sometimes that teacher is you
it's a funny thing. to be someone who is very affected by energy, by emotional energy; sensitive to the nuances of gesture and mood to such a degree that you feel far too receptive. too much input, too much stimuli. my nerves are as sensitive as my tastebuds are insensitive (i like confrontational food! give me the jalapeño, and never buy the "medium" sauce.)
you learn to be careful with your own energy. you learn to stay far away from too much drama, or those who would engage it casually. you do not get caught up in thread war, you chow no virtual beef. you learn to keep yourself to yourself a lot. feels better.
wait, we're not at the funny part. this part is just tough. and it's painful. especially at first. but it's a necessary work. it's learning who you are, and how to interact energetically and emotionally, with the world, and with others. responsibly, kindly, wisely.
the funny part (and i don't mean literally, but nearly baffling and perverse, it seems) is how you can end up being the one who helps others who have not done this work, navigate their own energy. you want to just get away from reckless or grating energetic fields, but you almost end up playing nursemaid to these sorts because they don't know how to properly wield their own energy (and i am speaking of people in my-non internet life, here, in the last two days).
like...instead of just going off in kind, you end up shepherding them through processes. they can be spilling on you, carelessly, and in all of it, somehow, you come across as cool and calm and mature--and this is definitely a funny funny part--when really, you are not! not really at all (but really, are we any one thing?) and you do even fear one day you may just flip out at the next person who doesn't take care with you. you don't see it as being calm or patient, you are just a seasoned soldier of the psychic killing fields, and you came through with methods of control and technique due to your own need to survive them. and here are these other people (usually men) who are totally undeveloped in being aware of their own energy, how to wield it, what they are radiating, what they are really saying in their hyped up state and by their hyped up state, and in how they are treating others. and they cause you psychic damage with this wayward spillage, and all the while you are having to manage yourself as well as them.
one reason is because you know once certain lines are crossed, you can't go back. and it's best to push that line as far down the road as possible. but other times, it simply...feels right. feels like being true. to you.
in the beginning you just wanted to learn how to better yourself to save yourself, and to minimize harm done to others. and you end up being given even more responsibility by life. as if it is part and parcel of growing...that you need to apply that growth to others who need it. a juvenile part of myself wants to whine and abdicate any responsibility there. and i sometimes do. and it's not always 'juvenile' to do so. i definitely endorse anyone walking away from people who cannot act consciously. you don't owe anyone self-damage. and truly, i just wanna be doing my own thing and not deal with the flailing of other humans most of the time.
but the truth is, we all flail at one time or another, and if we were willing to learn even while we were flailing, life always supplies a teacher. sometimes that teacher is a bird flying overhead. sometimes it is a poem you find by accident. sometimes the teacher is someone unexpected. sometimes that teacher is you.
somebody better bring me a pinche apple one of these days!