"You shouldn't put _this trigger_ in fiction *at all*" Censor before publishing discourse.
So, People of Color people aren't allowed to write about racism?
Women aren't allowed to talk about sexual assault, feminism?
Victims of r* aren't allowed to talk about it from their PoV and should leave it to people who've never, ever gone through it?
Men can't talk about how they too have gone through it and sort it in a social justice way and talk about the patriarchy is a way that goes deeper than the basic white feminism of Barbie?
People who know what *abuse actually feels like and would like to advocate against it* aren't allowed to talk about abuse?
When people talk about sex in YA, often the discourse isn't about writing safer sex and consent at all, but "should you write about sex with teens"
But this creates severe issues.
Look, I as one of the fundamentally token red shirts on this planet, queer, PoC, NB not a woman, but often have to fake it for the doctor's office because they won't let me check off NB and give me the form for that, with a history of abuse, history of institutionalization, want to fucking transform my shitty crap into diamonds by transforming my trauma into social justice awareness.
When you say, but you shouldn't write it into books at all, that means you silence the people who have gone through it, and need to talk about it, and wish to make the world a better place.
And sometimes the veneer of fiction is what people need in order to do that.
The reason, as many, many Science Fiction, Fantasy, and Horror authors have said their genre is one of the best ass places for talking about social issues is because of that ability to create distance from the issue and then dissect the hell out of it. This way it's not because I am left and live in this country... tory, whig, democrat, etc. It's these are the issues at stake, this is how it actually feels as this person going through this thing. This is why you exactly shouldn't do it, because it fucks with your head exactly this way long term.
But if you start labeling the issue in an exact way with the modern/contemporary terms from our world, people will start flipping out, but fiction gives the author super powers to say, this is what transformation of this AWFUL TERRIBLE thing looks like. And maybe this is why it's hard and this is how to do it.
Fiction can divide things into questions.
Instead of the discourse being, should teens have sex *in fiction*. I think the discourse should be, why aren't more writers writing like Norma Klein who was absolutely frank about birth control methods, what consent and safer sex was, and the results of (for her time period) a sexually abusive person that didn't get to go to jail, and marry his teen victim. And instead the reviews of her book are... OMG, she's soooo frank about sex I'm blushing.
Nyahh, you should read her because she's frank about sex, she's doing anti-body shaming initiatives, spends a fair amount of time comparing television to reality, talking about pubic hair as a natural thing, and combating TV images, and the "perfect" body through talking about sex. Maybe more romance could do that?
This guy doesn't have the 10 inch scholong all night long. But is kind, caring, knows what else to do in the interim during his refractory period? Did Norma Klein do that? Absolutely. She talked frankly about sex in order to push sex education. I got things in her 1960's written book that my sex education teachers failed to teach me, like anti-body shaming. Pubic hair is natural. (Romance is far, far from reality, I get that, but still... if you're going to blush at the word penis and think you can't possibly use it in a romance book in a frank discussion, then maybe you should reevaluate a bit. And I do wish Romance books went over consent too and made consent super sexy by having those frank consent discussion and making it oohhh I can't wait until we get through this discussion to *try* that, but we have to wait and oh my god, I didn't know that about you, I'm glad I get to *try* that. Make consent sexy. Make BDSM negotiations sexy. Make the how, "Would you like that?" OMG yes. sexy.).
The fact an ace is writing this about consent, safer sex and trying to ask people to not do body shaming isn't lost on me. But seriously. Also, I'm not sex repulsed, just on the indifferent scale. And aces can be sex positive.
Maybe in order to get queer joy, you need a bit of trauma up front so people know what the issues are. Maybe to get social justice in this area, you need to be able to talk about what people have to think about in order to go through transition and why people might opt out of it and how that too can be queer joy.
In order to transform the shit of the world, people should censor shit like happy slave gets with their master. YES. That probably should not be shared. Write it, keep it to yourself. OMG Nazis were good actually. Write it, don't share it with the general public.
But for the gnarly, for the honestly tricky, for the things that could be made into social justice, let it be written. Own voices preferred, but don't make them write it. But don't censor them either.
If a person who has gone through rape wants to write about rape and how horrific it is, then yes, let them write it. (BTW, I'm saying this as a person who knows what it's like and NO it's not "that's why you are ace, then." I was ace long before then. I was having ace-like thoughts at 5. Some people do, and that's fine. But don't paint everyone with the same brush.) But keep their feet to the fire and make sure they write it in a way that doesn't glorify it, doesn't make it feel "right" and aims it towards social justice. Then trigger warning.
"Precious" does have sexual abuse, rape and all of that, but if you get through that story and the difficulty, she transforms her shit into something positive. And it's an argument against rape, no matter what the book challenger thought. (OMG sex scenes and it's sexy? WTF is wrong with you, dude. Go see a therapist.)
What better way to make the book banners win than to let people who went through horrible traumatic shit never to make it to the bookshelf by shaming them for talking about it and transform their stories of horror into social justice gold?
There's quite a difference, though, when you're glorifying racism as a good thing.
I wrote a post https://www.tumblr.com/kimyoonmiauthor/724640612027121664/how-to-write-safe-r-sex-consent-in-sex-scenes?source=share.
So I am going to write a post on how asking for a kiss can be sexy.
This is in answer to an article that thought asking for a kiss wasn’t sexy. Oh and making grand declarations of love without a kiss can also be sexy. And it’s trash saying Mr. Darcy didn’t ask for consent. Every stage he does ask for consent. Every version. Colin Firth to the new movie and older movies, consent. No arm tugs, no forced kisses. Any character in an Austin novel that tried anything close to arm tugs or forced kisses gets binned.
To review the basics of romance, as I’ve said before... romance is both a court argument (AND These people belong together forever for the following reasons...) and playing with a rubberband in terms of tension. (This, for those who’ve been following my worldwide story structure series is true worldwide. I’ve watched more rom coms than you care to know from various countries and locales)
I’ll try my best, BTW, to make this LGBTQIA friendly.
SLOW
90/10 Rule
Alan Seawright credit here, saying this on Twilight commentary said, the 90/10 rule. (I think it was New Moon on Cinema Therapy about Jacob)
One partner comes 90, the other comes 10.
Soft caress to the face
Back of fingers to the cheek, long stare, looking down to lips, back to eyes, slow head tilting and coming in.
Cupping face slowly
Slow cupping of face, stroking of cheeks, eye gaze, then kiss.
BUT I WANT IT FASTER!
Consensual flirting for AGES.
Until both characters are on the brink. Bring up the tension by releasing it, making it more taut until the rubber band breaks. If you make the audience scream, c’mon, DO IT. DO IT. Then that’s about right. Then the characters meet at 50/50.
Hinting at it.
“Haha. You want to kiss me.” (in ear, softly)
“Are you staring at my lips?”
“Usually, this is where people would kiss, but I won’t.”
And then the other person says, something like, “But I thought you would.”
Make vocal asking sexy
Whispered into the ear
brushes ear, and whispers into it, “Wanna kiss?”
During phone flirting
All I can think about is your soft lips and touching them. Would you like that?
During a love letter
I think about how far we are and great it would be if you wanted to kiss me as I do you.
During dancing
He spun towards Kai as Kai held him close. His lips were so close. “You’re thinking about kissing me,” Kai said.
Screamed into a pillow
“I want to kiss you so much, but we can’t.” She flipped over and stared at the canopy of the ceiling then got up.
“Why can’t we?” Laura asked, kneeling next to her.
caught together really close while being chased
His breath caught on their nose. Guards were coming. But why did the smell of him, make them want him more? It made no sense. “This is our last moment,” he said. “We might not make it. One last kiss for good luck?” Staring lovingly, into their eyes, they tugged him down and he kissed them.
make it a negative
“You don’t want to kiss me.”
Movie reference.
“My favorite part of Titanic was when Rose was on the bow of the ship. What was yours?”
“When they kissed for the first time,” side eyes.
BUT MORE (Toxic) MASCULINITY
*eyerolls* Rapey? OK...
If you insist on arm pulls and the like, you can still end up with teasing.
For example...
He pulled her towards him, his breath coming hard as he stared into her eyes. He tilted his head. He was going to kiss her. He was. But then he grinned and said, “Not today.” She gritted her teeth. He laughed before kissing her.
BTW, After the kiss, checking in, (not in lieu of prior consent) isn’t bad.
“Did you like that?”
“Are your lips tingling too?”
“Should we do tongue next time?”
“Do you want more?”
*Wink* “Wasn’t that fun?”
Might make the character sexier... again, if the character is into it, and the reader feels emotionally invested in the action and character, they will go along with it.
We’re writers. We’re supposed to come up with creative scenarios. We can do better. What is wrong with her asking, or them asking? What is wrong with flirting for ages over it? If romance is delivering a maximum tension before the characters get together, then kissing should be included. And it doesn’t have to be toxic.
My (un?)popular series on Safe(r) sex and Consent goes Historical and Fantasy? (Maybe Science Fiction)
CW: PG-13
So the previous 2:
💬 0 🔁 9 ❤️ 13 · How to write Safe( r ) sex / Consent in Sex scenes · I originally wrote this May 6, 2015, found here: https://eclecticcrea
💬 0 🔁 11 ❤️ 27 · Romance: How to make a consensual kiss sexy. · I wrote a post https://www.tumblr.com/kimyoonmiauthor/724640612027121664/h
Yeah, I know, ace spec, and all of that talking about it. And you might think that I did this independently, but as always I did it with some inspiration. Norma Klein, whom fans of romance say is "too much" for actually talking directly about diaphragms, birth control, etc. And call her "explicit" but when authors don't talk about it and venereal disease in the comments and are much more explicit... there aren't pearl clutchers. So is the problem birth control and sex ed? I've read much more explicit scenes for teens, but they didn't get marked this way, but this one is the one you mark as too explicit because it's frank about body hair, sizes, and shapes and celebrates that?
Seriously, that's what you're concerned about? The sex ed? I kinda found it charming, honestly, and assuring that it's not like a flagpole meeting a dark cave every time.
Annnyyywayyy... let's go Historical.
Condoms
Condoms have been a subject of curiosity throughout history. The idea of safer sex has been explored in ancient and modern history, and has
Condom history actually goes way back and goes biblical, probably before then. Ancient Egyptians.
Yes, sheep guts were used. With Egyptians, it's not quite clear if they were reused like Europeans did them. But apparently this tech spread with everything else at the time.
I guess for vegans (weren't invented yet) this is disgusting. I know about India, but to have that, the reason the top caste could do this was because they didn't get to do any of the labor. Unless you're someone like Benjamin Lay, I don't quite think you can claim the ethical superiority.
But condoms were effective in preventing pregnancy, but not venereal disease.
They didn't go rubber until the 19th century, and were highly unpopular until the discovery of latex.
All condoms have a smell. (lol I bought some effectively to test the idea that condoms of a certain ilk don't smell. Nope, all have a smell. BTW, unflavored ones.)
But, but it's animal GUTS
You've eaten sausages? The casings are usually really well-washed animal guts. There are artificial casing too.
Historically, people would go to the BUTCHER or the PHARMACIST and get them. They wouldn't be out there making them themselves.
Every, single time the character mentions eating sausages, that the same thing.
The process is actually long and involved, and takes about a week to make. So your average (usually Duke in HF) isn't going around and slaughtering some random sheep, and then sticking his stuff in it.
The average meat-eating person in anything before the 1960's wouldn't even care.
Cheese is also often made with linings of animals. There are vegan ones, but that comes later in history.
The point is that it would be really, really well-cleaned. It also gives you a reason for your local landed lord and a butcher to hook up. lol (Butchers could be women back in the day too).
If you really, really think your reader will be anxious, then include the *gasp* process of how they were made (OMG, Process Story structure is useful again)
These same people love butt stuff in Romance... but then hate animal guts?? (And back then they were so dirty with their lye soap and regular bathing, you know~~ So soundly debunked by Historians.)
BTW, I'm informed that leather has more weird chemicals in it historically than washed out animal guts. But you aren't screaming about leather dildos, are you? Do you know how historical leather was made? And you're reusing it without a condom without washing it?
Be far it for me to have to say this, but clean your toys. Also silicone shouldn't be reused without condoms. Clean your toys.
But, but it takes forever to warm them up.
Basically, the old ones you needed to stick in water to shag a person.
Screw cap lids were invented in 1858, for those curious:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Screw_cap
So quick shag in the bushes 100% out, right?
No spontaneity!
Historians don't have imaginations of writers, I guess.
Flasks, and drinking vessels were invented in PREHISTORIC TIMES. It's not even a Homo sapiens sapiens invention.
Just like a man these days has to anticipate, to stay safe, so a man back then could also anticipate. The thing is that it won't biodegrade and with the ribbon, hypothetically, you would pull it out by the ribbon end.
And if you really need to warm up more, just like I said before, the anticipation, the sexual energy, the tension, that's time for your characters to cook and burn.
But, But then OMG, they reused them. Elew.
There's creative ways around this one too. I swear people like to conform and not think outside of the box.
The character is a butcher, so they got plenty.
The character is a pharmacist, so they don't understand the need for reuse.
Someone has read about Germ theory. (Which actually goes quite fa back)
Someone is a clean freak.
There are always deviants in the crowd.
Do I have to keep spinning out reasons? Invent your own.
BTW, they don't object to toys being reused without mention of them being cleaned. How is that different? It's for the same reasons. (Also don't use other people's toys).
But then it has to use oil on condoms and...
on latex oil+condoms breaks and that's not good sex ed.
If the condom is really wet, and romance authors love to go on and on about how the other character was really wet, then you could skip over this part.
If not, then, emphasizing it's a condom.
But the smell
Interests of describing the difference... All condoms smell. !@#$ Iunno, some people get turned on by latex smell, even like it as a fetish. I get that some romance veers very closely to more fantasy elements. No diseases, etc. She was banged 60 times and never got pregnant. But when she wanted to the 61st time, it magically happened and the womb opened. lol (Wait until you get into the Mpreg of the Alpha Beta world...)
Is it unreasonable that they would notice the smell? No. But they don't effing know what latex smells like either.
But then it's a bow on a cock.
Rolling over and laughing. Your man is that historically inaccurate and insecure?
They didn't give a shit back then about men wearing bows, you see, but you need to conform to after 1950's masculinity standards. *gasp* Like wearing a ribbon bow is the end of men.
This is being sold on Amazon. (Not an endorsement)
Not when it's a bowtie?
You see, in the past, men with less women's rights were super alpha, (even though the term alpha wasn't invented yet) and concepts of consent weren't even invented yet /s
OK, I'll stop mocking gender norms as an NB. (for now)
Some basics of consent were understood throughout history. It's more like who got control. There were dissenters along the way.
Pull Out Method
So the other popular method is the pull out method in Historical fiction.
This means if you have them do it more than 5 times, the chances go up that you'll hit pregnancy gold between men and women. (Mpreg would be the same, unless you're getting technical).
With a condom it's near to 100% effective. (Not perfect, but 1 in 5, versus 1 in 100)
I kinda think that with M/F fiction people aesthetically like it because people can "see" it so to speak, and it really has nothing to do with birth control.
This is because with M/M fiction it's also popular.
But, there was no "The Pill"
Daucus carota L., a member of the Apiaceae family, comprises 13 subspecies, with one being cultivated (D. carota L. ssp. sativus (Hoffm.) Ar
Wild carrot. I swear, as an Ace spec, I sometimes know more shit than people do. Your local medicine women and monks historically knew this and might dispense it. There was a PBS show about a historical monk that solved mysteries and he gave out birth control during an episode, so I looked it up.
It's not perfect, but Rue is known to also help with abortion. (and no, this isn't a recommendation or medical advice. let's not go Medieval). There are lots of side effects, problems, etc with this method, but they did know about it back in the day.
Other ones less umm... tasteful are things like crocodile dung, etc. But I kind of think wild carrot will do ya.
Birth Control Talk is not romantic
O.o; And again, I disagree. I covered this. You just have to be a good writer and figure out how to make it romantic. How to build the sexual and romantic tension during those moments, and find a good justification for why.
The best writer can take a reader on a huge journey and the reader might fundamentally disagree with it, disagree with the characters, disagree with the character's choices, but still go for the journey. Ah, the writer's dream skill.
If people were Scandalized by Norma Klein being frank about sex, then I kinda think it can pass muster.
Same sex?
Yeah, yeah, I know, for F/F and M/M, they kinda can't do safe(r) sex beyond keeping it to hands. And that's not ideal. For Historical (white) fiction it's often about the stigma and not getting caught. Not my favorite, honestly, which is why I kinda prefer the Fantasy F/F and M/M and/or the PoC ones away from the whole stigma game, but it's exceedingly difficult to find PoC Historical Queer fiction that doesn't have European gender and sexual orientation norms (getting into why is a long explanation).
N/N?
Doesn't tend to happen in Historical fiction. The notion is the GNCs didn't exist.
For queer authors, think about that one.
Fantasy
With limited technology and all of the planet's resources, your people can't ya know, invent birth control and other methods of avoiding pregnancy? If it's our planet, you have the same resources listed. If you're working on another world, unless the point of it is the whole fantasy of impregnantion (no judgment here), then invent things that sound good.
But Science Fiction
lol I'm still rolling at the idea that Picard couldn't figure out how to get the replicator to produce a condom. It's almost like he wanted to get Beverly pregnant. Baby, I like it raw.
Haha.
You have a holographic deck and you couldn't figure out effing birth control? I'm rolling with laughter.
BTW, I'd so read the fan fiction that goes over why this is.
You'd think they would invent a male birth control pill by then.
Why not make up technology that gets rid of venereal disease?
A few generations and we have AIDS under control.
Conclusion
As I said previously, the limit is your imagination, and your ability to convince the reader and string them along. The writing power I'd like is the power to make the reader arc with the characters. So change the reader's minds. Make consent and (historical/fantasy/Science Fiction) birth control sexy and romantic again.
Haha. I'm always surprised when I know more sex ed as an Ace spec than Het allo people. Get out of Victorian attitudes. People get upset over pegging. I guess it's the gender norms getting to you again. I swear.
BTW, while we're here, you don't have to follow a set order for sex. Mix it up. Of course with consent. Asking in a husky voice can be extremely sexy.
Hi- I teach 1st graders in the Mississippi Delta and my kids can tell you that “Yes means yes!” and “No means no!” oh and “Stop means stop!” My kids really get what consent means.
These seems to be hard concepts for many adults to understand so I thought, hey there is no better way to start my teaching journey online than by sharing something valuable to all!
My 1st graders came into the classroom touching everyone. Kids were constantly playing with each others braids, or shirts or ear lobes (kids are strange creatures…) or patting someones arm. This is all normal behavior for children of this age, so when I first started teaching I just ignored it. None of my kids seems necessarily upset by it and honestly we had some other classroom management issues to address (i.e. HITTING!).
Well, a week into this I heard one girl say “stop touching my hair” and the little boy kept swinging her little braid back and forth. None of this seemed vindictive, he was spaced out and when she pushed his hand away he stopped. But what an eye opener that way, consent needs to be TAUGHT to children y’all and we have pretty much failed to do so.
Right then and there I stopped my lesson, reading can wait, and we talked about consent as a class. We talked about how our bodies belong to us and only us, no one has a right to touch our bodies until we give them permission.* I wanted to be realistic and not just stop the touching, I wanted my children to learn a valuable lesson of asking permission, waiting for a response and learning what to do with that response. And also the fact that I do not control my students bodies, if they are okay with a friend touching their braid, or back or ear lobe, that is not up to me.
If we want to play with someones braid or touch their ear (for some reason…) we have to ask them by saying “Jayla, may I please touch your braid?” and then we wait for them to answer us.
If someone says yes, we may only do the action until they tell us to stop. Stop means we must stop immediately. “STOP MEANS STOP.” If the friend we asks says no, we say “Okay, I respect your choice.” We do not try to convince our friend to change their mind, we do not touch our friend anyway, we say to ourselves, “NO MEANS NO.”
Every day after this little meeting we chanted in the mornings “No means… NO!”, “Yes means… YES!” and “Stop means… STOP!”
The kids got this quickly and pretty pain free! A week later one of my girls was sitting at his seat and one of my more sensory kids was touching her arm, she looked at the girl in the eyes and said “You did not ask me permission. You may NOT touch me without permission. Ms. Smith says my body belongs to me!” and by God if the other girl did not pull away and say “Dez. I am sorry for touching you without asking first, will you forgive me?“**
And then about a week later when we were lining up one of the little boys asked a little girl if he could fix her braid, she said yes, and then almost immediately changed her mind and said “stop,” he had his little fingers caught in her hair and tried to pull away gently but she was not pleased and yelled “STOP MEANS STOP DARIAN!”
*Yes, we later talked about all the crazy scenarios only a 6 year old can come up with where someone would need to touch you. “Ms. Smith! What if I am in an accident and bleeding and can’t tell the police to help me!” or “What if someone has a poisonous spider on their arm?” You know that kinda stuff. ;)
**We have had another serious conversation about how to form a proper apology.
