having some difficult feelings around some sexual interactions i've had recently, just need to write it out (tw some mentions of sexual trauma)
so there's this person i've been sexting with, just on the odd occasion over the last few months. gonna try and be kinda vague on the off chance that they ever see this (tho unlikely). they write about sex in a way i enjoy, we're pretty sexually compatible, and when we're talking they're kind and respectful.
on the one hand it's fun to actually engage w someone sexually, and it gives me an opportunity to sit with my feelings and think about what i like and set boundaries and actually be assertive and say 'hey, i'm not into such-and-such', all things which are incredibly hard for me to do in a sexual context. i've been saddened to find this is even difficult for me when sexting, but when actually having sex with a person it's often impossible, so this is a realm in which i can actually build up those skills.
on the other, like....man....i am discovering that i just can't have any sexual interactions with anyone and be chill about it. this person is a total stranger. we have never talked to one another outside of a sexual context. all we're doing is sexting. and yet my attachment issues are still rearing their ugly heads! i don't enjoy just being an anonymous stranger with someone i'm engaging with sexually. it doesn't feel good to me.
part of me feels like, 'god, really?! you even have these feelings in this context?!' it feels a bit pathetic. and i have to recognise and be aware that those feelings of emotional attachment have almost nothing to do with them as a person, because i barely know them. but i also need to be kind to myself and acknowledge that these feelings are fine and valid, and respect and listen to them and realise they're telling me something i need to hear. which i guess is that when it comes to anything sexual i need a bit...more....from the other person.
like, this person is clearly very busy and i know sexts with a ton of people. i am just one of many to them and probably don't cross their mind outside of their interactions with me. for me, when i'm sexting with someone, i want (need?) it to be like we're sharing a sexual experience and are present with one another during. like, if i'm sexting with someone i'm focusing only on our conversation, probably in bed getting myself off, and i want the other person to be doing the same.
but with this person the convo's all broken up, they're clearly busy and talking to other people and will disappear for big chunks of time and sometimes just disappear completely right in the middle and never return. and i'm not saying they're doing anything wrong, they're just a stranger, they're obviously approaching this in a different way to me, and they don't owe me anything bar basic kindness and respect. but it just really makes me feel bad! i'm realising that even when it comes to sexting, i really need to feel safe with and held by the other person and to feel like there's a mutual understanding as to what the interaction is. because even though it's just words on a screen it still ultimately feels intimate and vulnerable to me.
if i'm in that sexual headspace with someone and i'm engaging with them and sharing my desires, and especially if i'm being more submissive, which i have been recently, i get into this place where i just feel needy and vulnerable, and i suppose when i'm in that emotional state i need to be engaging with someone who makes me feel safe and held within it. and like i said, this person is kind and respectful, but a person who isn't really present with me and just keeps disappearing and is clearly not as invested in our interactions as i am just doesn't make me feel that way!
recently we were sexting and i had just gotten to a place where i was feeling suuuper desperate, and was both feeling and being very vulnerable in the way i was writing. and then they just disappeared! which when i'm in that state leaves me feeling weirdly emotionally abandoned. and they haven't messaged me since, despite being online a lot and posting sexy things since. so they're obviously just....not bothered about replying to me or 'finishing' that interaction in any way. which really brings up a lot of my attachment issues and trauma - it makes me feel rejected and neglected and abandoned and angry.
which makes me feel crazy! because i'm like girl! this is just a stranger who you have no kind of relationship with! to them i'm just some random person they exchange sexy messages with every now and then. and technically they're that to me as well, except apparently i can't engage in this way without my emotions getting involved. it's not a case of my consciously wanting any kind of further relationship with this person, or theoretically with anyone i engage with sexually - it's just that on a totally emotional, instinctual, deep-rooted level, i can't help but need to feel....cared for...by someone i'm engaging with sexually. i just can't be an anonymous fuck buddy with no kinds of expectations of the other person without feeling like shit. even when it comes to sexting apparently. i'm trying to be kind to myself and remember that i am someone who has an extensive history of sexual trauma from a young age. like...yeah...no shit i feel this way! no shit i need to feel especially safe and for there to be clear expectations and boundaries around sexual interactions, especially if i'm in a submissive headspace.
i just a) do not feel good. i think frankly i'm feeling triggered and weird and then shame around that bc i feel it's partly down to my own lack of boundaries with myself around sex, and b) frustrated and disappointed bc i've always wanted to be able to have casual sex and explore and sleep with lots of different people and be sexually adventurous (not out of any feeling that i should be doing that, but because it genuinely appeals to me and my sexual desires), and this is yet more evidence that it's unlikely i'm ever going to be able to do that, or at least that it's going to be incredibly difficult to navigate and find a way to do that that feels right for me.
i guess if i really want someone to sext with i need to be more intentional about it and find someone who wants to be present with me and see the interaction through to the end and then some. it's like....the difference between a fuck buddy who you run across in the club who gets you all worked up and needy in a bathroom stall and then leaves and doesn't bother contacting you again, versus one who you arrange to meet up with at your place who chats with you beforehand and cuddles with you afterwards and makes sure you're okay. i probably shouldn't message this person anymore, problem is when i'm horny i have no self-discipline and can't think straight
sigh...sometimes i feel like maybe it's not even fair for me to engage sexually with anyone outside of a committed romantic relationship bc all my trauma stuff makes everything so complicated