HOW TO MONITIZE YOUR ILLNESS: AN OFFER TO STUDENTS EVERYWHERE
I’ve been talking a lot online about the fact that I’ve been sick since the 18th of November, following a surgery I had, which led to an infection, which led to a series of very strange things--weird fevers and pain and shortness of breath and all kinds of stuff. These things caused the cancelation of my Shadow Cabinet Tour and a number of appearances and generally ate my winter and are now nibbling at the edges of my spring like a deranged, all-consuming time rabbit.
In the last two weeks, it has been discovered that the current problem is neurological. For the last week, I’ve been poked, shocked, drained of blood, stuck in machines, made to follow dangling strips of Smurf stickers with my eyes, and generally explored on a deep level. I have one more test this week, where they stick a bunch of electrodes on my head. In the meantime, if I move the wrong way, my temperature goes up. Rub my shoulder the wrong way, and I can’t breathe right. Stretching my back may cause dizziness for days. My body has essentially boobytrapped itself. It’s like my head is full of bees--bees that press buttons that make things happen in random patterns.
I AM A SCIENCE FAIR PROJECT.
Once this nut of wisdom hit, everything felt Right. I knew exactly what I had to do. So, students of America (or abroad, I’m not fussy), DO YOU NEED SOMETHING FOR YOUR SCIENCE FAIR? Displays about climate change, how plants grow, how volcanos erupt...they’ve all been done. Did you just forget to prepare? No problem. Want to go to the really good science fair where you get to meet the President? Guess what--you can.
Stand out from the crowd by having a REAL AUTHOR with REAL WEIRD PROBLEMS just STANDING AROUND.
Imagine, this could be YOUR display:
Science fair imagineering by Tunafish Tiger and his Photoshop Orchestra
Q. How long will you stand there?
A. As long as it takes. I’m in it to win it.
Q. Can we poke you or what?
A. No but I’ll move my arm and twitch a bit. But I’m good with words so I’ll just stand there and describe things.
Q. How much will this cost me?
A. I’ll be honest. A lot. But that’s a small price to pay to win at Science.
Q. Will you sign books as well?
A. Are you trying to kill me? I just told you I’m a walking minefield and one wrong move could SET ME OFF, but sure, I’ll sign.
Q. Do you come with a display, or...
A. I made this diagram, which you can use for free:
Q. I have an English project as well. Can I use you for both?
A. Yeah, I’ll do it. I’ll claim to have written any book you want.
Q. No, I want you to talk about your books.
A. I have neurological damage.
Q. It’s not that bad, though, is it? I feel like you’re just using that as an excuse.
Q. What if I win regionals? What if I go on to nationals? Will you go with me?
A. All the way to the top, kid, all the way to the top.
Q. But it’s going to cost me.
A. Look, I live in America. I had $4000 worth of blood tests the other day.
Q. Can I have those as part of my display?
A. Sure. For a nominal fee.
Q. What about the brain scans?
A. *makes money rubbing gesture*
Q. This feels like a weird scam. Or some kind of thing where it seems cheap at first but then they try to sell you add-ons all the time.
A. You insult me! I am only interested in Science.
Q. Our projects have to be on posterboard, so I’m going to have to glue you to a piece. Is that going to be a problem?
A. I come from Philadelphia, where we have the Mummer’s Parade, which is basically just people stuck to posterboard playing banjos while drunk.
A. Of course! I <3 posterboard!
Q. Will you tell me where you get the ideas for your books?