they’ve finally wrapped up filming, and convex is heading back to korea — taeyong sits in his seat, claiming a spot next to the window so he can stare wistfully out of it, like the main character at the end of a coming-of-age film.
it’s not much of a joke — it’s completely serious. reflecting back on his brief time back in his home state of california, as he looks out into the pacific ocean from the comfort of a korean air flight back to seoul, taeyong feels a rush of emotions course through his body. feeling the summer sun warm his skin once again had brought back memories that he completely forgot about, the good and bad times. he remembers the summer vacations he would take with his family, preferring to drive down to take in every single view worth seeing down the coast — stuffy eight-hour drives in a cramped car made better by looking out the window, staring at how the waves of the ocean crash against the coastline, just as he’s doing now.
he’s changed since then — for the better, he hopes.
taeyong looks to the window opposite from his own, on the other side of the plane — he can somewhat see the expanse of los angeles getting smaller and smaller in the distance. the screen in front of him displays the estimated time of arrival, and he mentally braces himself for a ten-plus hour flight. he has his hood up, a pillow wrapped around his neck — some of his members are already asleep, and he decides against taking embarrassing photos of them to maybe post on the fancafe. he’s not done reflecting just yet — mischief can come later, maybe nine hours into the flight, when he’s had his own nap.
the flight reminds him of the flight he took when he moved to korea — he had sat right next to the window back then also, almost an entire decade ago. weird to think that it’s almost been ten years since he’s moved to korea and found himself, found what he’s supposed to be doing after being so lost — that it’s been almost been ten years since he’s been back in the states and felt that lost. sounds cliché, but he’s glad that he’s come back and is leaving a completely different person than before.
ten years ago, he was alone — he remembers looking out of the window, afraid of what was to come but ready to start anew, to have agency over his own life, to feel like he belongs somewhere that isn’t there. he couldn’t have predicted any of this to happen to him, that he would even get a shot at a dream that seemed so far away.
now, he’s living that dream, surrounded by people who make him feel like he belongs somewhere, like he knows what he’s supposed to be doing in life instead of having to search with no result. he looks around once more and sees brothers — family members whose presence he’ll always cherish, who he shares memories with, both new and old.
taeyong closes his eyes, thinking back to how he felt back in the desert — the harsh summer sun beat down on them, the rigorous nature of having to be completely synchronized while withstanding the elements. he felt strong enough to endure it, because he knows that he has people to support him if he ever falls down. he had tried his best not to falter — and that’s the difference of him ten years ago and him now. he wouldn’t have tried as hard, he would have given up.
he falls asleep looking at the ocean, continuing to think about how much this trip really meant to him, what this all really means to him. maybe this is what he needed — he didn’t know he needed this, but maybe this is what he needed.
desert, they were going to the desert-- jaehyun looked out the car window and watched the landscape change from the big city to more and more abandoned and empty. once at the filming location he looked outside then at his own outfit and even if it was early in the morning the sun was out, it would be warm dancing with long sleeves in the desert. jaehyun wrinkled his nose slightly as he exited the car.
jaehyun wanted to avoid rubbing his eyes and ruin the make up-- but it was difficult to do when he was feeling as tired as he felt. he walked aimlessly from the car and to the destination that the filming crew had scouted out for them, the sun was bright even though it was so early in the morning and he was wearing a long-sleeved sweater. one of the staff had given him a small hand-held fan that ran on batteries, he held it tightly in his hand.
looking around with squinted eyes he spotted one of the older members-- hyun, who didn't have a fan like him and jaehyun walked over to him and lifted the fan and turned it on, "aren't you warm hyung?" he asks, while standing out in the direct sunlight not even noticing the staff members flailing behind him looking around for the sunscreen.
personally, he isn’t much of a perfume or cologne aficionado. at the most, he knows the princess knows of the best and priciest, if you ask him, ones. he knows that chanyeol uses an expensive one too and that hoseok choked on air when he found out the price. this, though, is different.
when he learns of the opportunity, he spends the day thinking about what perfume ads look like. he can’t remember seeing them when he tries to remember and yet when he looks them up, he realizes he’s seen more than he thought. it reminds him of previous opportunities some of the members had and modeling for one seems harder than speaking of it.
his thoughts drift to why him over the clear models of the group but he loves the opportunity, thinks it’s fun that he’ll be able to bring some home so throughout the photoshoot, he finds himself asking questions about scents, trying to remember what he’d looked up on each one though it’s for a newer one that he’s taking photos for from what he can tell.
top notes, base notes, it all intrigues him as each spray wafts in the air when he tries them himself. the scents themselves are just as the brand name implies and he finds it interesting how many things it claims. even the packaging is clean and he questions if he has a clean image. for his character on entertainer, he hopes so and that might match most of all, his character and this image for the perfume.
trying to pick out his favorite is more difficult than expected and it’s the appeal of the cleanness of the brand. maybe he’ll ask each member to pick a favorite too. in that, he hopes convex has a clean image over all, from sharp dancing to boyfriend like images from each member. that suits them too, right?
a group promotion like this . . . now that sounds amazing.
the location reminds him of another in their last mv but this one is much more terrifying. he didn’t think he had a fear of heights but looking over the city from this high is more nerve-wrecking than he expected to feel when he heard about it.
but the overhead shots must look amazing and he puts the visuals first, thinks of how it’ll look, of how their fans will react, and he can do anything really once he thinks of their consta.
he believes this yet when they’re done, he calls his grandmother first, tells her about it with slightly shaking hands and finds relief in when she praises him for it. for being scared and exceeding through it the way she knows he did. she’s praised his dancing before, even his singing by now, but when she praises him for being a good grandson and a good person, hoseok truly feels it. how much he loves his grandmother most in the world. no matter what his feelings were for the princess too, his grandmother is first.
ah, might be why he considers baek jiyoung’s opinion too. gotta love a strong maternal figure, right?
when he goes back to the group. to continuing their lunch break together, he’s calmer, more comfortable. he owes that much to them too, that he can feel vulnerable but not weak. because he knows if he went to one of them instead of calling his grandmother, they would’ve comforted him too. but he wants that connection to her now more than ever. as he continues to go places in life without her to go home to or to see him in person.
one day, he tells himself.
one day, he’ll be able to introduce each of them to her too and, if he could, he’d introduce the members who left too. every person who’s left an imprint on his heart.
when they land in the united states, in california, hoseok underestimate how hot it would be. when the sun hits them, he feels his forearms burning from exposure and he’s relieved to reach the hotel.
that is, til he notices that room division is easier with one less member and he comes back full circle. nothing changed at all from the flight, did it? he comes right back to that within moments and he stretches his neck with a deep breath. but still they’re filming a mv abroad. doesn’t that speak of how much baek jiyoung believes in them? how much she wants to put into their development and careers?
how can he be sad when he thinks of that?
one of the first things he does is text chanyeol, ask him a few more things about california and joke that he should’ve been better warned about the heat. it’s not like a seoul summer. it’s far more dry and he drinks more water at the thought of it.
his mind is still on the choreography for the music video and he wonders what sets they’ll be using. how hot it’ll be when they’re dancing for hours and he looks at each member with mild concern. would they all be okay?
so that night, his thoughts are focused on hoping for the safety of all of them for the mv filming, that there will be enough shade and rest, water and food. for now, he really wants to look around the area but there’s another thing in the back of his mind. the filming he’s missing for the show. it reminds him to send a few encouraging texts to the numbers he does have for those filming with him and some of the staff, apologizing to the director for taking time away so they have to accommodate him but that’s what scheduling is for, right?
it isn’t his first time traveling to the states but it is the first with his group members, on his own without the meng family, and it seems surreal even as they get the airport. they go through the typical motions and when he picks up his bag again after they finish at security, he wonders if he should call his grandmother first. his wishes for her were once simpler. bring her to korea with him and buy her a house of her own. now, he realizes he has grander desires. take her traveling, see all the things she couldn’t do in her own lifetime with his grandfather and child.
he has questions of his own, of course, that he’d love to ask her but he held back all those years in case it was too much. now, he understands he’s the one it would’ve been too much for, that he didn’t want those answers most of the time, didn’t know how to handle hearing about someone who couldn’t keep him.
does he see him now? does he know that it’s him? but something makes him believe that his career wouldn’t be approved of either, even if his grandmother has never discouraged him from whatever his heart wants. hoseok is the one who holds himself back in the end, even with people.
looking to the group members, he notes that he must be holding back with them too. that they’re family but he’s just as secretly reserved with them too. lasting connections that don’t go as deep as they could.
how much longer can that continue? so, for now, he fidgets with his passport, how it’s different from some of theirs, and he takes a deep breath as they take a few seats before boarding. will jinwook be okay for the long flight? ah, that’s right. it’s also one of the longest flights he’s taken in a while. if he falls asleep on the plane, he wonders how much will change in waking up?
another comeback, another choreography— getting the choreo for their b-side this come around reminds him of the fondness for their last b-side track and his own involvement. how upbeat it is reminds him of their versatility and how different it is from the vibe of their title track. the synchronicity is one of its highlights and he hopes that it becomes one of their defining features as a group, if it isn’t already.
the news is bound to be officially made sometime this month before the comeback itself and he isn’t looking forward to it, to the reaction and aftermath. he can only hope it won’t be as chaotic as the first time they lost a member, that it’ll be the last time again.
throwing all of his energy into memorizing each part, every member’s changes just so he can offer a guiding hand if need be, so he can monitor and make comments as they go, he’s reminded of why he prefers overworking himself, keeping his mind busy. there’s no time to be sad and it’s just like their new title track says, don’t wanna cry.
how long has he told himself not to shed tears for other people when there’s so much life to live? so that he wouldn’t be wrapped up in his own past, in the people he’s lost before even getting a chance to remember them? in glimpses and fleeting images of a childhood with someone who didn’t want him. those kind of memories, he leaves behind in lieu of happier ones and he wants to do the same this time around. again and again. as many times as he has to in order to move on.
because if there’s anything his childhood taught him, if there’s anything life has taught him time and time again, it’s that life goes on with or without you. the next course of action you take is the most important from then on.
he's always excited when they travel. it only adds onto the positives woohyun finds with idol life-- getting to go to different places for different things; los angeles is entirely new, and he's excited. he can't help but babble and ramble throughout their journey to the states. even the trip from the airport to their hotel, woohyun's eyes were glued on their surroundings. taking in everything and anything he could in the short amount of time they're here for.
he's using a towel to dry his hair, idling on one of the hotel beds. they've got a long day of filming tomorrow, and he's thinking about how everything will go with it. he's in good spirits, humming a song he heard on the radio under his breath. letting out a sigh, he drapes the towel around his shoulders, raking a hand through his hair. turning his head, he shoots a smile at seonghwa. "have you been to the states before?" he fiddles with the ends of the towel, shifting idly. "we haven't seen much, but the scenery looked so nice...i can't wait to film." he trails off in a murmur, smiling to himself.
