I struggle a lot with imposter syndrome and self-doubt about the stuff I make that I usually am able to keep at bay, but recently, it’s been hitting me pretty hard. While I’m proud of the things I’ve done, and I understand a lot of people are moved by the words, comics, and finished products I create, there’s always that doubt in my head that I’ve failed in some aspect. That I’ve disappointed myself and the people I make content for. This tends to mainly form itself in Roseverse, as I’m sure you expected.
With Roseverse, I’m aware that many do love the content and have for years. However, for me, a lot of the time I have a lot of hatred for it, as I always believe I could’ve done better in some fronts, but it’s too late to go back and change it as it’s been years since it dropped or was published. It’s been something I’ve never really discussed before, as I don’t want anyone to think that I’m upset every time I work on it, as that’s simply untrue. However, finishing the latest chapter did bring a lot of these thoughts out— where I’m stuck in a mindset that the decisions and plot points I decided on when I was still a child do not represent the writing process I have now as a adult. Nor are they stable enough to keep people’s love for long.
I think it’s important to state that I’m almost 20 now, and I started Roseverse when I was 16. That growth changes an individual a lot— especially through personal experiences and schooling. As such, my writing and views on life have changed as well, and some of it doesn’t reflect the old media I’ve made, but to be consistent, I must stick by its at times I feel as though I’m still left in my highschool bedroom, crafting away, and while it’s nostalgic, it can also be demotivating.
I get wonderful comments every day praising my work— telling me how much it means to them and I do believe it wholeheartedly and appreciate it. But at the same time, it saddens me as I always feel like I could’ve done better— done something more— showcased a dynamic’s complexities better or elaborated on small sections. I’ve put a lot of effort into my writing and my art, but I’ll always end off with wants to rip it all apart and start over from scratch. To retry and do better and make something I can be fully proud of.
I know that that’s a fleeting, negative thought. And I also know that at this point, it’s far too late to back out of the story I set up as so many people adore it and admire it for what it is now. It’s been years—Roseverse is cemented in what it is. I have friends who met me through it because they love it. I’ve inspired people, even if my worries try to convince me otherwise.
I believe that most artists who create long term projects have these feelings after a while. It’s an eventual process as you grow and learn through life that your opinions and experiences will shape the work you make, and starting young will cause you to want to retry many times. However, if it’s already present and has a fan base, it can be hard to grapple with those feelings and appreciate what you created.
For me, I try my best to push through, and not give false expectations. I believe my audience is pretty aware of my sporadic interests, as I’ll jump from focus to focus very often. It’s important to remember that there’s people who follow you for all forms of what you do, no matter what you end up making. There’s someone out there who loves your work and is starting their artist journey because of it. How many small artists on tumblr did you used to follow as a child, that you didn’t realize were small in the grand scheme of things? Because to you, they were ur whole world, no matter the numbers. No matter what was the main interest. The knowledge that somewhere out there, I am that person for a kid who is silently watching, keeps me going. It keeps me proud of what I do. It makes me acknowledge the work little me put into what she made, as she too, was mimicking the people she looked up to. And I’m proud of her for that.
So, despite these feelings, I try to push through. If anyone relates to this, I hope you do as well, and continue to be proud of what you make, even if you feel impatient. Even if you wish to start over. Because someone out there saw your work, and began to pick up a pen. And that is enough.
…I don’t know if this will make any sense but it’s been on my mind for a while. I’m trying to push through it chat…trying…
