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The advice of others

Friend: All you ever talk about is your illness.

Me: Wow you’re right! It’s almost like it affects every part of my life.

Friend: If you just got out more you’d feel better.

Me: Wow you’re right. It’s not like my pain limits my movements.

Friend: If you would just give exercise and a new diet a chance you’d feel better.

Me: Wow you’re right. It’s not like an exercise class and going vegan are at the top of my list when I can’t get out of bed and throw up all the time.

Friend: You need to think about other things other than you’re illness.

Me: Wow you’re right. It’s not like it doesn’t overwhelm my thoughts night and day.

Friend: It’s not about what’s on the outside that matters, it’s about what’s on the inside that counts.

Me: Wow you’re right the way. If I put what’s on the inside out there for the public, people would run a scream.

Friend: It’s all about attitude.

Me: Wow you’re right. If I could just get rid of my shitty attitude, my illness would miraculously be healed.

Me: Walk a mile in my shoes, you would not get past the first five steps.

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My own worst enemy

Imagine if you can waking up every morning and you aren’t sure if you can get dressed, make a meal, or even leave the house. Having chronic pain/illness is understanding and accepting the delicate balance between fighting and acceptance. There are days when you struggle but you can get through the day. There are other days when you struggle just to breathe and those are the days when you are forced to accept that you can’t do what your mind wants you to do. I have realized through the years that I am my own worst enemy, I push too hard when I know I should really stop and rest, and I hate myself on the days I can’t get out of bed. And most of all I resent that life is passing me by and I feel stuck. Stuck in a body that is deteriorating from pain, depression, illness; and the worst part is that nobody even knows that you are at war with your body, your mind and your soul.

Chronic Illness is...

It’s anger, depression, anxiety, and frustration all rolled up together. It’s wondering if the pain will really last forever or should I hold on to hope a little longer. It’s wondering how you can afford new treatments, medications, paying the bills, and food. It’s regretting what you have missed, while being barely present in the now, and fearing the future. It’s hating yourself for being dependent on others, medication, and doctors. It’s listening to criticsm from friends, family, and even strangers. It means waking up every morning unsure if you can even get out of bed, let alone handle the difficulties of the day. It means trying to face all this with a strained smile and voice that does not quiver from unshed tears.

Now that’s courage!

God don't I know it.