HOWSMMMM CALL, DO YOU ME STILL LOVE?
4.7k + words , angst , could perceive reader as an emotionally wise drunk or a truth-spilling drunk , however you'd like to interpret reader , fem!reader title - go go juice , Sabrina Carpenter series mlist
Reader hated the internet.
Every part of it. Every app, every comment section, every stupid little algorithm that somehow always knew exactly what would upset her most. But she especially hated Alex’s corner of the internet.
No matter how many times she pressed not interested, muted words, blocked fan accounts, or scrolled past as quickly as possible, clips of Alex and Tara still found their way onto her feed.
And neither of them seemed ashamed. Not even slightly.
Reader saw it everywhere—livestream clips, tweets, TikToks, edits with romantic music layered over them. Tara laughing too hard at something Alex said. Alex staring at her for just a second too long. Flirting that wasn’t even subtle anymore.
And Reader hated how much it still affected her.
Because only a week and a half ago, Alex had stood in her flat apologising. Telling her he never wanted things to end like that. Telling her there was nothing serious between him and Tara.
Another lie.
And somehow, Reader had still believed him.
Again.
The thought alone made her feel stupid.
To stop herself from spiralling completely, she’d spent the past week forcing herself to stay busy. The first four days after ending things with Alex had been miserable—barely leaving bed, crying at random moments, ignoring half her messages, surviving mostly on takeaway and wine.
But after that, she’d thrown herself into anything that kept her distracted.
Brand deals. PR events. Dinners with friends. Random influencer parties she normally would’ve avoided. She’d even started agreeing to trips and collaborations she would usually overthink for weeks beforehand.
Anything to stop herself sitting alone with her thoughts.
And honestly, it almost felt validating now. In a horrible sort of way.
Seeing Tara and Alex openly flirt online should’ve made Reader feel worse than she already did, but instead, it confirmed everything she’d spent weeks questioning.
She hadn’t been dramatic.
She hadn’t been insecure for no reason.
She hadn’t imagined any of it.
For months, she’d convinced herself she was overthinking things every time Tara flirted with Alex on stream. Every time her stomach dropped while Alex awkwardly laughed instead of shutting it down. Every time fans pointed things out online and Reader defended him anyway.
But now?
Now they weren’t even trying to hide it.
And somehow, that almost gave her peace.
Alex was the furthest thing from Reader’s mind.
At least, for most of the night.
He wasn’t in her thoughts while she sat crammed into a booth at dinner with her friends, laughing so hard her stomach hurt. He wasn’t there when they left the restaurant and wandered into some tiny hole-in-the-wall club hidden down a side street. The best kind of club, honestly. Warm amber lighting, exposed brick and cobblestone walls, old 2000s songs blasting from the DJ booth while everyone screamed the lyrics badly over each other.
For the first time in what felt like ages, Reader was only focused on herself and the people around her.
Shots appeared at the table. Then more drinks. Then even more drinks after that.
Another shot.
Another martini.
Another vodka soda.
Someone handed her something pink in a glass and she drank that too without asking questions.
By midnight, Reader was completely, hopelessly drunk.
The kind of drunk where everything became funny for no reason. The kind where walking suddenly felt unnecessarily difficult, like her legs belonged to someone else entirely.
Unfortunately, her friends were in almost the exact same state, meaning there was absolutely no responsible person around to stop Reader from wandering outside with her phone clutched loosely in her hand.
She didn’t go far. Just outside the club entrance where the cold air hit her flushed face instantly.
Reader blinked slowly at her phone screen before opening her recent calls.
Her thumb “accidentally” slipped onto Alex’s contact.
It only rang once before he answered.
Had she been sober, she probably would’ve called him pathetic for picking up that quickly.
“Reader?”
“A—lex!” she squealed, the name coming out mixed with a hiccup.
There was a brief pause. “Oh.”
Reader completely missed the disappointment in his voice. She was far too drunk to notice things like that right now.
“Hiiiii!”
“Reader,” Alex said carefully, “what are you doing?”
“Calling you, duh.”
“Yeah, I know that. How much have you had to drink?”
Reader frowned at the pavement like it personally offended her. “Uh…” She giggled slightly. “I dunno. I’m sorry.”
“No, no, don’t apologise,” Alex said quickly. “I should be apologis—” He cut himself off with a sigh. “Where are you?”
“Uhm… at a club,” Reader mumbled, looking around the street uselessly before turning back towards the entrance.
“Right. Real helpful,” Alex muttered under his breath. She could hear him moving around on the other end of the call now. “What’s the name of the club?”
“I can’t really read it,” she admitted sadly. “Everything’s blurry.”
Alex let out another sigh, though this one sounded more worried than annoyed. “Okay. Is there security or a bouncer nearby?”
Reader looked around slowly before spotting someone standing near the door. “Mhm.”
“Good. Give them your phone so I can talk to them, please.”
Reader’s face scrunched up immediately. “Why? I wanna talk to you.”
“I know,” Alex said softly. “I know you do. But I need to know you’re safe first.”
She could hear rustling on his end again, like he was already grabbing keys or shoes.
Reader’s drunk brain latched onto that immediately.
“Wait…” she said slowly. “Are you picking me up?”
Alex went quiet for half a second too long.
“Do you miss me?” Reader continued before he could answer. “Do you—”
“Reader.” His voice turned firmer suddenly. “Stop. Just for a second, please. Just find a bouncer for me.”
Her expression dropped instantly. “Okay…” she mumbled. “I’m sorry.”
“No,” Alex said immediately, his tone softening again. “Reader, don’t apologise. I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that.”
Reader nodded to herself even though he couldn’t see it, then stumbled back towards the entrance of the club in search of security while still clutching her phone tightly to her ear.
She managed to stumble her way over to one of the bouncers near the entrance, nearly tripping over the uneven pavement in the process.
“Hi,” she said far too brightly. “My ex-boyfriend wants to talk to you.”
The bouncer blinked at her for a second before slowly taking the phone from her hand.
“Hello?” he said cautiously into the speaker.
Reader swayed slightly where she stood, arms folded loosely across herself against the cold while the music from inside the club thumped through the walls behind her.
She couldn’t properly hear what Alex was saying, only the low murmur of his voice through the speaker. The bouncer nodded a few times before glancing over at her.
“Yeah, she’s alright,” he said. “Very drunk, though.”
She frowned. “That’s rude.”
The bouncer laughed quietly despite himself.
A minute later, he handed the phone back to her. “Your boyfriend’s coming to get you.”
Her face immediately twisted. “He’s not my boyfriend.”
The bouncer lifted both hands in surrender. “Alright, alright.”
Reader pressed the phone back to her ear as she wandered over to lean against the brick wall beside the club entrance.
“He called you my boyfriend,” she informed Alex seriously.
Alex actually laughed softly on the other end of the line, and the sound hit her harder than she expected. She hadn’t realised how much she missed hearing him laugh until now.
“Did he?”
“Mhm. I corrected him.”
“Good to know.”
Reader smiled faintly to herself before her expression slowly dropped again. Drunk emotions came fast and hard, and suddenly she felt strangely close to crying.
“You didn’t block me,” she mumbled quietly.
Alex went silent for a moment. “Neither did you.”
She looked down at the pavement beneath her shoes. “I tried to hate you.”
The confession slipped out before she could stop it.
Alex let out a slow breath. “Reader…”
“I’m serious,” she continued, words slightly slurred now from both the alcohol and exhaustion. “I unfollowed you everywhere. I blocked Tara. I kept telling myself I never wanted to speak to you again.” She laughed weakly. “And then I got drunk and called you anyway.”
Alex stayed quiet long enough that Reader almost thought the call had disconnected.
Finally, he spoke softly. “I’ve missed you too.”
Her chest tightened painfully at the admission.
She squeezed her eyes shut for a second, leaning her head back against the cold brick wall behind her.
“This is so pathetic,” she whispered.
“No, it’s not.”
“Yes, it is,” Reader mumbled. “You hurt me and I still miss you. That’s embarrassing.”
“You missing me doesn’t make you embarrassing.” His voice sounded quieter now too. More careful. “It just means you cared about me.”
She swallowed hard, suddenly wishing she wasn’t drunk enough for all her emotions to feel this close to the surface.
Across the street, headlights turned the corner before slowing near the club.
She frowned slightly. “Is that you?”
“Probably,” Alex admitted. “Can you see my car?”
She squinted dramatically at the road before spotting it properly. “Oh my God, it is you.”
Alex laughed softly again. “Stay where you are, alright? I’m coming over.”
Reader watched him cross the street towards her, hands shoved into the pockets of his hoodie as the cold night air moved through his hair.
And for one horrible second, it felt painfully normal.
Like this was just another night where Alex had come to pick her up after drinks. Like they hadn’t ended things. Like Tara had never happened.
She hated how comforting that thought felt.
Alex stopped in front of her, immediately looking her over carefully to make sure she was alright. His expression softened slightly when he realised she really was just drunk and emotional rather than hurt.
“Jesus,” he muttered quietly. “How much did you drink?”
Reader pointed vaguely towards the club behind her. “A lot.”
“Clearly.”
She frowned at him. “Don’t judge me.”
“I’m not judging you,” Alex said, though he looked like he was trying not to laugh. “I’m just trying to work out if you’re gonna throw up in my car.”
She gasped dramatically. “I would never.”
Alex finally laughed properly at that, shaking his head a little before stepping closer. “C’mon.”
Without really thinking about it, he reached for her hand.
The second his fingers wrapped around hers, both of them seemed to freeze slightly.
Reader’s stomach twisted painfully. Because even now, after everything, holding his hand still felt natural. Familiar.
Alex seemed to realise it too. His grip loosened slightly, like he was about to pull away.
But she held on first.
Just for a second.
Alex looked down at her quietly, his expression unreadable beneath the orange glow of the streetlights.
“You’re staring,” Reader mumbled.
“You’re drunk.”
“Okay, and?”
Alex huffed out a soft laugh before guiding her carefully towards the passenger side of the car. He opened the door for her automatically, another habit neither of them had managed to break yet.
Reader climbed in clumsily before looking up at him again. “You still care about me.”
It wasn’t a question.
Alex paused halfway through shutting the door.
“Reader…”
“You do,” she insisted softly. “I can tell.”
For a second, he just looked tired. Emotionally exhausted in a way Reader recognised because she felt it too.
“Of course I still care about you,” he admitted quietly.
Her chest tightened again at the honesty in his voice.
“Then why did you let me go?” she asked before she could stop herself.
Alex shut the car door gently without answering.
And somehow, the silence hurt even more than the answer probably would have.
“You didn’t answer my question,” Reader mumbled once Alex finally got into the driver’s seat.
Alex glanced at her briefly before starting the car. “It’s the kind of question I’d rather answer when you’re sober. So you actually remember it.”
Reader frowned immediately. “I remember everything I do when I’m drunk.”
Alex let out a quiet laugh under his breath as he pulled away from the curb. “You really don’t.”
“Yes, I do.”
“You absolutely don’t.”
Reader crossed her arms stubbornly, nearly losing balance against the seatbelt in the process. “Name one time I forgot something I did drunk, then.”
Alex’s mouth twitched slightly like he already knew she wouldn’t like the answer.
“Silky’s party.”
Reader scoffed instantly and rolled her eyes. “Nothing happened at that party.”
Alex actually laughed properly this time. “Reader, a lot happened at that party.”
“Like what?” she challenged.
Alex glanced at her again briefly before looking back at the road. “You kissed me.”
Reader blinked at him. “No, I didn’t.”
“You did.”
“I think I would remember kissing you, actually.”
Alex shook his head slightly, clearly amused despite himself. “Well, you don’t.”
Reader stared at him suspiciously for a few seconds, trying to dig through her blurry memories of that night. All she really remembered was dancing with friends, arguing with someone over music, and waking up with the worst headache of her life the next morning.
“You’re lying.”
“I’m not.”
“Alex.” Reader pointed accusingly at him. “If I kissed you, I definitely would’ve remembered it.”
“That’s what I thought too.”
Reader narrowed her eyes. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Alex sighed softly through a smile. “It means you spent half the night insisting you didn’t like me, then dragged me into the kitchen and kissed me ten minutes later.”
Reader’s jaw dropped slightly. “I would never do that.”
“You absolutely did.”
“No. Nope. Didn’t happen.”
Alex laughed again, quieter this time, and Reader hated how much she’d missed hearing that sound.
“You even got annoyed because I laughed afterwards,” he added. “You told me I was ruining the moment.”
Reader covered her face with both hands immediately. “Oh my God.”
“There we go,” Alex said smugly. “That reaction tells me you’re starting to remember.”
“I hate you.”
“No, you don’t.”
The words slipped out casually, but the second they landed between them, the atmosphere in the car shifted slightly.
Reader slowly lowered her hands from her face and looked over at him.
Alex seemed to realise what he’d said a second too late, his grip tightening slightly against the steering wheel.
Because the worst part was… he was probably right.
Reader wanted to hate him. She’d spent weeks trying to.
But sitting here beside him now, drunk and emotional while he drove her home like he’d done dozens of times before, hatred felt impossible.
Complicated? Yes. Painful? Absolutely.
But not hatred.
Reader looked down at her lap quietly before mumbling, “That’s the problem.”
“I am sorry, Reader,” Alex said quietly after a long stretch of silence. “I really am.”
Reader kept her gaze fixed out the passenger window, watching blurry streetlights pass by one after another. LA looked strange at night when she was this drunk. Too bright and too distant all at once.
“I don’t know if I believe you anymore,” she mumbled eventually.
Alex’s hands tightened slightly around the steering wheel. “Why not?”
Reader let out a tired laugh under her breath. “Seriously?”
She finally looked over at him properly.
“Because every single clip I see of you lately is you flirting with Tara,” she said softly. “Even after you stood in my flat telling me there was ‘nothing serious’ going on between you two.” She swallowed hard. “Those clips just completely contradict everything you told me that night.”
Alex went quiet immediately.
Reader looked away from him again before continuing. “And maybe I could’ve handled it if it was just one clip. But it’s not. It’s everywhere.”
She laughed weakly to herself. “Do you know how humiliating it is opening TikTok and seeing edits of the two of you?”
“Reader—”
“No, seriously.” Her voice cracked slightly now. “People are literally shipping you together publicly while I’m sat there feeling like some stupid ex-girlfriend who got replaced overnight.”
“You weren’t replaced.”
Reader scoffed softly. “Sure doesn’t look that way.”
Alex sighed heavily, glancing at her briefly before looking back at the road. “It’s not as simple as it looks online.”
“That’s exactly what you said the first time,” Reader pointed out quietly.
That shut him up for a moment.
Reader rubbed tiredly at her eyes before leaning her head against the cold window beside her. “I just don’t understand how you went from saying you loved me to publicly acting like that with her barely a week later.”
Alex’s jaw tightened slightly. “I didn’t plan for any of this.”
“But you’re still letting it happen.”
The words hung heavily in the car.
Reader could tell Alex was trying to think of something to say, but honestly, she wasn’t even sure there was a right answer anymore.
After a moment, Alex spoke again, quieter this time. “Do you really think I never cared about you?”
Reader’s chest ached immediately at the question.
Because that was the problem.
She knew he cared about her. In his own messy, emotionally confusing way, he definitely had.
But caring about someone and treating them properly weren’t always the same thing.
Reader looked down at her hands in her lap. “I think you cared about me when it was easy,” she admitted softly. “But the second things got complicated, you stopped fighting for me properly.”
Alex visibly flinched at that.
And Reader hated that part of her still felt bad for hurting him, even now.
“But I also think,” Reader continued quietly, “that you genuinely don’t know the difference between caring about someone and actually treating them the way they deserve to be treated.”
Alex stayed silent beside her.
“With care,” she said softly. “And love.”
The last word caught slightly in her throat.
Reader swallowed hard and turned her head towards the window again before she could say anything else. Streetlights blurred together outside as the car moved through the empty roads, her reflection faintly visible in the glass.
“And I…”
Her voice faded off completely.
A sharp breath caught in her chest as she pressed her lips together tightly, suddenly regretting how much she’d already admitted tonight.
Beside her, Alex loosened one hand from the steering wheel slightly before gripping it again.
“Finish what you were going to say,” he murmured.
There was no irritation in his voice. No pressure. He sounded like he genuinely wanted to hear it, even if it hurt.
Reader shut her eyes briefly. “I don’t know if I can handle being cared about like that anymore.”
Alex frowned slightly. “What do you mean?”
Reader laughed quietly to herself, though it sounded more sad than amused. “You cared about me enough to keep me around,” she admitted. “Enough to text me constantly, take me out, tell me you loved me…”
Her throat tightened again.
“But never enough to make me feel secure.”
The car fell silent after that.
Reader could practically feel the guilt radiating off him beside her, but she forced herself to keep talking anyway because if she stopped now, she knew she wouldn’t start again.
“I spent months trying to make myself smaller so I wouldn’t scare you off,” she whispered. “I acted chill about things that were actually hurting me because I didn’t want you thinking I was dramatic or difficult.”
Alex looked genuinely pained hearing that. “Reader…”
“No, it’s true.” She shook her head slightly. “I let myself settle for half of what I wanted because I thought eventually you’d give me the other half on your own.”
Alex’s jaw tightened as he stared ahead at the road.
“And maybe that’s my fault too,” Reader admitted quietly. “Because I should’ve walked away the first time I realised I was begging for things that should come naturally when someone really wants you.”
The words seemed to hit Alex hard enough to physically tense beside her.
Reader looked down at her hands again. “I loved you properly,” she whispered. “And I don’t think you realised how much responsibility comes with being loved like that.”
For a moment, Alex didn’t say anything at all.
Then, very quietly, almost like it hurt him to admit it, he said:
“I think you’re right.”
Reader sucked in a slow breath, nodding faintly as she stared down at her hands.
Hearing Alex agree with her should’ve felt satisfying somehow. Like confirmation that she hadn’t imagined everything. But instead, it just made her chest ache more.
The car was quiet for a few seconds before she finally spoke again.
“Why did you only try to fight for us when I asked you to leave?” she asked softly. “Even after you were the one saying we should break things off.”
Alex’s grip shifted slightly against the steering wheel. He looked exhausted now, emotionally worn down in the same way Reader felt.
“Because…” He paused briefly, like he was trying to figure out how to explain it properly. “Truthfully, I only said I wanted to end things because I didn’t want you getting dragged into whatever drama was coming.”
Reader frowned slightly but stayed quiet, letting him continue.
“I knew people were already talking,” Alex admitted. “About me. About Tara. About you. And I panicked.” He laughed weakly to himself. “I thought if I ended things first, maybe I could protect you from it getting worse.”
Reader looked over at him properly then. “You really thought breaking my heart was protecting me?”
Alex winced immediately. “When you say it like that, it sounds awful.”
“Because it was awful, Alex.”
“I know.” His voice dropped quieter. “I know that now.”
Reader leaned back slightly against the seat, listening while he spoke.
“I realised way too late that it wasn’t my choice to make for you,” he continued. “You should’ve had the chance to decide whether you wanted to deal with all of it alongside me.”
The honesty in his voice made something painful twist in Reader’s chest again.
“But by the time I figured that out,” Alex said softly, “you’d already made up your mind.”
Reader swallowed hard.
“And honestly…” Alex glanced at her briefly before looking back at the road. “If I’d realised it earlier, I don’t think we’d be sitting here having this conversation right now.”
Reader’s heart stuttered painfully at that.
Because part of her immediately wanted to ask what he meant by it. Whether he would’ve made things official. Whether he would’ve chosen her properly if he’d just gotten out of his own head sooner.
But another part of her already knew those questions wouldn’t help anymore.
So instead, she looked back out the window and asked quietly, “Then why didn’t you say any of that that night?”
Alex let out a slow breath. “Because I was scared.”
Reader laughed softly under her breath. “You know, for someone who spends his entire life online in front of thousands of people, you’re unbelievably bad at talking about your actual feelings.”
Alex smiled faintly at that, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Yeah. I’ve noticed.”
Reader shook her head slightly. “You could’ve just talked to me.”
“I know.”
“And I probably still would’ve stayed.”
That seemed to hit him harder than anything else she’d said tonight.
Alex looked genuinely upset hearing it. “Reader…”
“It’s true,” she admitted quietly. “That’s the pathetic part.”
“No,” Alex said immediately. “It isn’t pathetic to love someone.”
Reader looked over at him then, eyes tired and glossy beneath the passing streetlights.
“Maybe not,” she whispered. “But it hurts when they don’t know what to do with it.”
Alex went quiet after that.
Not defensive. Not frustrated. Just quiet in the sort of way that made Reader think her words had actually settled somewhere deep inside him.
The car continued moving through the near-empty streets, the low sound of the engine filling the silence between them.
Reader rested her head back against the seat, suddenly exhausted. The alcohol was starting to hit her differently now — less loud and fun, more heavy and emotional.
After a while, Alex spoke again.
“I really did love you, you know.”
Reader’s chest tightened immediately.
She gave a small nod but didn’t look at him. “I know.”
Because that was the worst part of all this. If she genuinely believed Alex had never cared about her, moving on probably would’ve been easier. Cleaner.
But she knew he had loved her. In the only way he seemed to know how.
It just hadn’t been enough.
“I don’t think you’re a bad person,” Reader admitted quietly after a moment. “I think you’re just emotionally stupid.”
Alex let out a breath that almost sounded like a laugh. “That might be the nicest insult anyone’s ever given me.”
Reader smiled faintly despite herself before it faded again just as quickly.
“You hurt me anyway.”
“I know.” His voice sounded rough now. “And I hate that I did.”
Reader looked down at her lap again. “Do you actually like Tara?”
The question slipped out before she could stop it.
Alex went still beside her for a second.
Reader immediately regretted asking. “Forget it.”
“No,” Alex said quietly. “You deserve an honest answer.”
Reader’s stomach twisted painfully as she waited.
“I think…” He paused carefully. “I think after everything blew up, I leaned into it because it was easier than dealing with what happened between us.”
Reader frowned slightly. “That’s not really an answer.”
“I know.” Alex sighed softly. “I care about her. But not like I cared about you.”
The words should’ve made Reader feel better. Somehow, they didn’t.
Because if Alex supposedly cared about her more, then why had she still ended up here? Sitting half-drunk in his passenger seat trying not to cry over someone who never fully chose her?
Reader laughed quietly to herself, though it sounded tired more than amused. “God, this is messy.”
“Yeah,” Alex admitted softly. “It is.”
They stopped at a red light, and for the first time since picking her up, Alex properly looked over at her again.
“You deserved better from me,” he said quietly.
Reader held his gaze for a moment before looking away again.
“I know.”
The car moved again as the light turned green, neither of them saying anything for a while.
Reader kept her head turned towards the window, watching the city blur past in soft streaks of orange and white. Her reflection stared back at her faintly in the glass, tired eyes, messy hair, makeup slightly smudged from earlier in the night.
She didn’t feel drunk anymore. Just drained.
Alex drove more slowly now, like he was giving her space to think. Or maybe he just didn’t know what else to say.
After a few minutes, Reader spoke quietly again.
“I think I’m angry at myself as much as I’m angry at you.”
Alex glanced at her briefly but didn’t interrupt.
“I keep thinking I should’ve left sooner,” she admitted. “The first time I felt like I was waiting for you to choose me properly. The first time I saw those clips and told myself I was being paranoid.”
Her fingers tightened slightly in her lap.
“But I didn’t. I stayed. And I made excuses for you.”
Alex’s grip tightened on the steering wheel again. “Reader, you didn’t—”
“Yes, I did,” she cut in softly, though there was no anger in it now. Just honesty. “I wanted it to work so badly that I ignored everything that was making me feel small.”
Silence settled again.
A few seconds passed before Alex spoke, his voice quieter than before. “I never wanted you to feel small.”
“I know,” Reader replied. “That’s why it’s so confusing.”
She finally turned her head slightly towards him.
“You weren’t cruel,” she said. “You weren’t malicious. You were just…” She paused, searching for the right word. “Unclear.”
Alex let out a quiet breath. “That sounds about right.”
Reader gave a faint nod before leaning her head back again.
“I think that’s what hurts the most,” she admitted. “It wasn’t one big moment where everything fell apart. It was just… lots of small ones that I kept ignoring.”
Alex stayed quiet, letting her talk.
“And now I can’t tell if I miss you,” she added after a moment, voice softer, “or if I just miss what I thought this could’ve been.”
That seemed to land heavily between them.
Alex didn’t respond straight away.
Instead, he drove for a while in silence before finally speaking.
“I miss you,” he said quietly.
Reader closed her eyes for a second at that, exhaling slowly.
“I know,” she replied.
This time, there was no confusion in her voice. Just acceptance.
Missing each other wasn’t the problem anymore.
They both knew that.
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