I need to air out some grievances so please excuse any rude language, and horrible expression. I’ll probably delete this later but I need to get this out.
I HATE THIS EXISTENCE.
I’m not suicidal or wish anyone those thoughts. I’m just tired of the existence, I have at the moment. I’m getting older, not wiser, stagnant in a rebirth of a career, quit grad school after one bad exam and making more money than before but still feeling undervalued and under appreciated.
Would more money increase my happiness or at least help tolerate my existence more? Temporarily yes because I’d fall back into bad habits, spending incessantly, drinking, smoking and then after being anxious about it all. My friend group is small like 3 people but they never talk, or hang or want to hang. Do i reach out you may ask? No, but what’s the point if one of us cannot make or decides that their time is better spent elsewhere.
Maybe my problem is I’m too considerate of others to ever so selfish? I stray away from selfishness as a principal because I associate it with a bad period in my life, a period where I became hedonistic, all about my own pleasure, ignoring the suffering in front of me, driving my own fruits at the expense of others. Hurting loved ones who love me no matter my actions. I hold resentment towards my parents who didn’t hesitate to push towards the first job that I got an offer for. Yes it was my own decision, and I have to action for it, but when you’re in debt and almost out of it, these feelings come back. I do in fact hate my job, it’s full of people who constantly back stab each other, are not sincere, and who are collectively promote a toxic work environment.
I find myself at war with this environment. In the one hand, I’m fucking tired of the expectations of working crazy hours like we’re surgeons or someone’s life depends on it. We are after all, just corporate professionals, driving profit for enterprise or helping companies avoid paying taxes. I’ve attempted to resist this expectation, setting boundaries, hard end times, and generally being laissez faire in my work approach. Did i sit down in my office all day? No, i moved around, watched tv, sports as I just clicked on the keyboard to prevent the screen going to sleep. Finishing at minute of a minimum end time. This job the hope my parents have is train me for hiring paying jobs in the industry, the fact of the matter is that I hate the actual nature of the job, i detest the notion of fake analysis when most of my day is spent creating fake numbers from C reports and pasting them to another. The perks of working at a big 4 or places like that is they train you enough that after 1 year or 2 you can leave and get hired into a promoted role right away. The truth is, I’m not really interested in this line of work. People say insurance is boring but accounting is far worse. I wish for moments where I could go back to my cushy job and just keep going but that job feels like it no longer exists and is dead.
I’m stuck in this dreaded situation, I can’t sleep, I’m depressed and I just want to lay in bed all day. I just want this existence to end but it won’t end till I’m financially free and full of decent finances - will it be worth it in the end? Probably not, but my purpose i guess isn’t my own happiness but those of others. Guess I shouldn’t worry then. FUCK!
