THE SOUND OF THE CABBAGE ROAR
I was in an interesting location which had an Aztec/Egyptian vibe, with a grassy garden area. The sky was golden but gloomy, like a heavy sunset of doom hanging overhead. There were paths in the grass which lead to a number of raised platforms of concrete; a layout which would not be out of place in an old-school first person shooter on the PlayStation 1. Moments earlier I’d been running through the murky corridors of the pyramid. It was really important that I should try to stop the evil, ancient, Egyptian guards from destroying the sun. Because that would be really bad for everyone.
Now I was standing outside the pyramid in the garden. I’d escaped the first group of Egyptian guards inside the pyramid, who’d had feathered head-dresses and white flowing robes with gold lining. Two of them were in front of me now, and they were looking at me as if they were about to do something important, a bit like when you get past the first bit of a really hard boss in an old-school first person shooter on the PlayStation 1, and they’re about to start attacking you in a different way. The guard in front of me looked me in the eye, and without blinking, he adjusted his legs so that he was sat in the lotus position, whilst levitating in mid air. The other guard had done the same. Then they began to float downwards into the soil below them, staring at me manically with a sickening grin. I could only stand and watch.
The moment their heads had submerged below the surface of the soil, they began to slowly rise back up again. They were floating upwards, this time stood bolt upright. They both had menacing cabbage heads, with wild eyes staring forward like a particularly expressive pumpkin at halloween. Now however, they were both wearing smart suits, a bit like those agents from ‘The Matrix’. But with cabbages for heads.
And they began to slowly walk towards me.
I took a few steps back. This was clearly a worrying turn of events. The cabbage-head closest to me was now only a few metres away, and I tried to prepare for whatever the fuck it might try to do. The cabbage-head leaned forwards towards me and let out a chilling roar, particles of cabbage leaf flying from it’s horrific gaping jaw with a mighty force. The sound was a bit like those nasty Wraith things that stab Frodo Baggins in ‘The Lord of the Rings part 1′, but pitch-shifted lower, and combined with the sound of the velociraptors in ‘Jurassic Park’, slowed down to half speed. It was a horrific sound, which had such a force that I was lifted off of my feet and thrown backwards onto the hard concrete of the path.
I struggled back to my feet, and was forced to jump to one side, narrowly avoiding the cabbagey-roar of the second cabbage-head, doing a nifty sideways backflip onto the grass. The cabbage-heads could only stumble forward at a steady pace, and if I could just keep them at a distance then I could somehow work out a way to kill them and stop the sun from being destroyed.
I ran from platform to platform, each time negotiating a way in-between the two cabbage heads, which were drawn zombie-like to my position in the garden. This was becoming frustrating, and I could see no clear weakness which would allow me to get any where near to my enemy. As I narrowly avoided another horrific roar, I noticed a long flag pole protruding from one of the walls lining the garden. Next to it was a poster stuck onto the wall. It clearly showed a cartoon skeleton being skewered by a long flag pole, which stuck comically from it’s chest. Whilst I didn’t really understand what the poster was advertising, (and why it was stuck on the wall in the gardens of a pyramid which housed an evil community of ancient Egyptians who wanted to destroy the sun) it gave me a simple idea of how I might try to deal with the cabbage-heads.
A cabbage-head stood before me. So I pulled the flag pole from the wall, and thrust it deep into it’s chest and right through it’s body. It did a little bit of twitching, and then stopped moving. The other cabbage-head was now nowhere to be seen. Perhaps it had escaped the thrust of my spiky pole, and was now flailing it’s arms around as it ran off into the distance. It didn’t matter.
Whatever had just happened, it had meant that the sun was no longer going to be destroyed. This was definitely a good thing.