i am v tired, unproductive studying, i went to get coffee at 2pm and bam walked into pal in the coffee shop i never go to, it was her first time there, i would have stayed and talked longer if i felt i had time; sometimes stumbling into people u know is tiresome when you’re tired-messy but my hair was nice, avoided looking at my reflection in the mirror walls anyway; this time it felt like this is my place, with people i know, she hugged me bye; i texted two people when i got home; i am going to go decorate my family’s tree with them tonight and my brother promised hot toddies; my mother is drinking the tea my coworker’s partner suggested in her workshop, flowers and bright things, talking to me about it, interested in what i’m learning now; i feel like everyone is weighed down lately, some waiting, some rebuilding, some just withdrawing; things feel very bad and impossible u know but somehow distant, muffled, is it the season or my personal luck; and i feel so slow, but steady, picking up what i can along the way; but kind of bumbling in a huge cluttered internal space & seeing others up across the boundary