#cosmicvents

[cosmicxd]

Fucking hate it when truck drivers come up to me at work and just announce that they are just gonna do something and ask me if that’s okay.

Like, mother fucker I just work here talk to someone in charge

[thecosmicjackalope]

you know what i hate? when you’re in the process of trying to better yourself, and you’re getting somewhere and someone has to make a comment to you about you not being a certain way or your method of life being unhealthy, and suddenly it’s like you’re back at square one, before the healing. before the start of your journey. before the growing sense of self-confidence at your small victories. their fucking comment suddenly takes you away from all the success you’ve had so far in bettering yourself, and they disguise it as kindness and act so proud to have “enlightened” you when really they just made you feel like shit. i know my “normal” is not “healthy.” i know i’m not there yet. i don’t need you to make me hate myself when i’m liking myself a bit more day by day. you think it’s kindness. but it’s fucking unnecessary. i know i’m not where i should be. but i’m trying. i’m really trying. and i’m getting there, too. so fuck off and let me keep going. how dare you. honestly.

[thecosmicjackalope]

Stupid Argument About Nothing

Just writing this to vent. I had a stupid argument about nothing with my mom right now. It didn’t have to happen, but it did, and it only blew up as big as it did because both our nerves are raw now. She asked me a question and unfortunately it hit me in a sensitive spot with me in a sensitive way, and it gave way to some existential fear I’ve been keeping locked up for a while. It was a question about my new job, and it opened up a deep, old fear about my place in the world and about making the wrong choice that leads me to a stupid, painful place, or worse, failure. She didn’t mean anything by it, but i panicked and cried. Then she started screaming at me for always blaming things on her. I don’t blame them on her, for the record, it’s just......I’m scared, she asked me a scary question, and now I’m left with an angry and hurt mom, and myself angry and hurt. It didn’t have to happen. Our nerves are both raw because of the week we had. But I regret it.  I want to go apologize to her, but with the way things are, that will just make it worse. So for now, I’ll vent my words here until I can tell her myself. I’m scared, and it’s because I want to get better, and I’m afraid that I’m making the wrong choice and landing myself into something stupid that I can’t handle. I’m afraid I’m setting myself up for failure. I’m afraid I’ll quit again. I’m afraid I’ll never be good enough. I’m afraid I’m tricking myself into believing I can and then will find myself failing completely. I’m afraid of never getting better. I’m afraid of being in an endless cycle I can never break out of. I’m afraid of letting people down. I’m afraid of my parents lying on their deathbeds and being completely sick of me. I’m afraid of not being loved. I’m afraid of not being worthy of being loved. I’m afraid I’m wasting my time, everyone else’s time, and steering myself into the wrong place. I’m afraid of being outed as a fraud, even though I want to do and try to do my best. I’m afraid of never being independent. I’m afraid I’ll always be a parasite leeching off of everyone stronger than me. I am so afraid and all it took was one offhand question to break open my shell and set that fear coming forth. And I let it all out on the person I care about most.

i’m about to head off into a new job, with a good company, doing something that helps people. and i’m afraid it’s the wrong choice or that i’m not good enough to keep it.

I hate myself. I know it will get better. I know storms don’t last forever. But even so, it hurts. I don’t know why I let myself panic like that. It wasn’t worth it.