All from the tiniest of triggers. I got a text from the Assistant Director of Nursing at work this morning while I was in class, asking me to come in and do a little charting on something that happened over the weekend, and wanting to know whose idea something was. I never responded. I just looked at it, and ruminated over it all the way home from school, and all through the rest of the morning, and over lunch, all the way until I had to go out the door to work.
When I saw it, I told myself I'd go in a little early and do the charting. No big deal. But I got home and promptly started worrying about whether that would get me in trouble, because she asked me to come in "this morning." But I hadn't answered! I can't answer now, what will I say? In the end, not only did I NOT go in early, but I had to struggle to get there on time, as I had wasted far too long sitting in the floor of the shower berating myself over everything I've ever done wrong, and how I'm a bad nurse, and a bad student, and a bad parent, and how nobody notices it, but I still KNOW.
I need help. I know I do. I'm a huge proponent for professional psychiatric help, and I know I need it. But I haven't sought it out for the million little meaningless reasons that I haven't gone to the neurologist about my ADHD. We don't have the money. What if my insurance won't cover it? When am I gonna do it, cause I don't have that kind of time! It's all bullshit, and I need to cut through it, but my particular combination of anxieties, attention deficit, and depression work together to keep me isolated at home, wanting human contact, but denying any potential for it. And that's all the more reason for me to berate myself in these manic episodes.
I feel like I have to hide, sometimes it's all I want to do. I love talking with my friends, or even just being around them, but I never seek them out, even though I know that even if they don't do anything to make me feel better, they keep me from making myself feel worse.
countingcrowds, guymontagburning, thirddegreebyrne, I love you guys. And everybody else that I follow, too. I'm sorry to dump all this, but I just wanted to get it out there, while I'm feeling relatively okay. And if you ever want to come over and just hang out, I'd love to. Just give me a call.