Kaer Morhen shenanigans (but mostly Lambert’s) part 8
Here is: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10 and Daily Lambert
also Keira & Lambert’s love story, Aiden & Lambert’s love story and… this.
.
Eskel: Can I keep this goat?
Vesemir: No.
Eskel: Why not? She’s so cute, I named her Lil’Bleater.
Berengar: Because she’ll hurt and annoy everyone.
Vesemir: And she will destroy everything.
Eskel: But you basically just described Lambert!
Geralt: He has a point. If we can keep Lambert we might as well keep the goat. She can't be worse than him.
Vesemir: It's hard to argue with this logic…
***
*brekfast*
Lambert: Give me a vodka on the rocks.
Geralt: Lambert, it’s 7 in the morning.
Lambert: And a piece of toast.
*a moment later*
Geralt: Eskel, we just ate. Why are you making pancakes?
Eskel: They’re for Lil’Bleater.
Berengar: Why are you making pancakes for goat?
Eskel: She doesn't know how.
***
Lambert: Um, guys?
Berengar: What now?
Lambert: Can animal breathe inside a washing machine while it’s on?
Berengar:
Geralt:
Eskel:
Eskel: Where’s Lil’Bleater?!
*a moment later*
Berengar: *leaning against a wall with Geralt while they watch Eskel try to catch Lambert *
Berengar: Amazing.
Geralt: This is the worst chase I’ve ever seen in my life. How has Eskel still not caught him?
Berengar: Lambert is pretty fast, and if he caught him, he would probably kill him. Tbh I don’t think Eskel really wants to touch him. You never know where he’s been.
Lambert: Eskel, calm down! This goat was stinking, someone had finally wash her!
Eskel: YOU CAN RUN BUT ILL STILL BE IN YOUR NIGHTMARES!
***
Vesemir: I can’t believe how drunk you are!
Lambert: I am not drunk.
Vesemir: Yes you are!
Lambert: I am not!
Vesemir: Can you tell the time?
Lambert: Yes *turns to point at clock* I am not drunk!
Vesemir, pointing out of a window: Lambert, do you see that over there? Running between the trees?
Lambert, confused: No, I don't. What is it?
Vesemir, now looking directly at Lambert: It's my patience for your stupid drunk shit, running away from me again!
***
Berengar: Wow, I really like this new, abstract, surrealist, post-modern painting of this depressive and tormented person.
Lambert: Dude, that’s a mirror.
***
Berengar: The fact that I exist literally pisses me off sometimes.
***
Vesemir: What are the signs of teenage depression?
Geralt: Why are you asking?
Vesemir: Berengar was doing laundry earlier and he dropped a sock and I heard him say “why has the god forsaken me”.
***
Vesemir: Where's Berengar? I've been looking for him all day.
Eskel: He’s been in the shower.
Vesemir: All day?
Eskel: Pretty much. He takes really long showers when he gets depressed.
Vesemir: Well, when do you think he’s going to come out?
Eskel: I don't know. He took a chair in there.
*a moment later*
Vesemir and Eskel: *knocks on bathroom door*
Berengar: Who is it?
Eskel: It's us, we just wanna talk.
Berengar: How many of you are there?
Vesemir: Two.
Berengar: Then talk to each other.
***
Vesemir, calling Lambert: Hello.
Lambert: What?
Vesemir: Lambert, you should identify yourself when you answer the phone.
Lambert: Sorry.
Lambert: *thick sarcasm* The Kaer Morhen keep, major disappointment speaking.
Lambert: Better?
Vesemir: *sighs in defeat*
***
Lambert: Hey guys- Why are you all standing on table? Are you playing a game?
Geralt: Yeah, we’re playing “we saw a young arachnomorph in the castle and don’t know where the fuck it went”.
Lambert: *scrambles onto table*
***
Lambert: I’ll think of a plan, I’m the best at plans.
Eskel: No. You’re not.
Lambert: I am! Name one bad plan I’ve come up with.
Eskel: Blowing up the rock troll in the castle tower.
Berengar: Starting a bar brawl because you forgot your wallet.
Geralt: Ritualistically sacrificing Eskel.
Eskel: Putting Lil’Bleater into the washing machine.
Geralt: Throwing bombs inside the castle.
Berengar: Take fisstech and go hunting for a Water Hag in brothel.
Geralt: Ooh, so that's why they kicked you out of there!
Lambert: …
***
Vesemir: I'm disappointed
Lambert: And I'm tired of hearing this shit. You're disappointed? Let's think about it: Brengar has depression and suicidal thoughts, I have drinking problem and anger issues, Eskel's best friend is a goat, and Geralt is a slut.
Geralt: Wait, what?
Lambert: And tell me Vesemir, whose fault is that?
Vesemir: It's not your job to question my parenting methods.
Lambert: Why not? I find some of your methods highly questionable.
Geralt: I'm not a slut!
***
Geralt: Ok Lambert, we need you to distract the guards.
Lambert: Right.
Berengar: What are you gonna do?
Lambert: I'm gonna kill them. That ought to distract 'em.
Geralt: I said distract them, not cut them down!
Lambert: There is just no pleasing you sometimes.
Gerlat: Lambert!
Lambert: FINE. I'll take care of it. No killing, I promise.
*Lambert leaves*
Geralt: What do you think Lambert will do for a distraction?
Eskel: He’ll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That’s what I would do.
*Building explodes and all the horses fled*
Berengar: ...or he could do that.
Geralt: …
Geralt: Fuck. It’s time for Plan B.
Berengar: We have a Plan B?
Geralt: No, but it’s time for one.
*meanwhile in another part of town, Vesemir on a date with countess Mignole*
Vesemir, to Mignole: Hah, look at those idiots getting chased by guards.
Vesemir: Wait.
Eskel, Geralt, Lambert & Berengar: *yelling in the distance*
Vesemir: SHIT- THOSE ARE MY IDIOTS
*later*
Vesemir: I can’t come today, sorry.
Countess Mignole: Why not?
Vesemir: Geralt, Eskel, Lambert and Berengar are all in the hospital.
Countess Mignole: Oh my, what happened?
Vesemir: Varying degrees of idiocy.
***
Eskel: With all due respect Geralt, have you lost your fucking mind?
Geralt: That's with all due respect? And since when you use the fuck word?
Eskel: You took advice from Lambert?!
Berengar: It’s called hitting rock bottom, Eskel.
Geralt: It's called following Vesemir's directions. He always said: „In the unlikely event that you encounter something that is not covered here, find a man named Lambert of Kaer Morhen, get his advice, and then do the opposite.”
Eskel: But you did exactly what Lambert told you!
Geralt: Because it was good advice.
***
Vesemir: Eskel wants to become a witcher when he grows up to kill monsters and help people in need. My other son, Lambert, wants to be a porcupine so he can stab people with his butt.
***
Vesemir, before the young witchers set off on their first independent journey: Eskel, you should look after Lambert.
Eskel: What do you mean? He's a witcher now.
Vesemir: That doesn’t mean he actually knows what he’s doing.
*later on the path during dinner*
Lambert: Okay, guys, who wanted the macaroni and bees?
Eskel: ...
Gerlat: You mean cheese?
Lambert, struggling to keep the bowl covered: That does make more sense, actually.
Eskel: I'm starting to understand what Vesemir meant.
***
Lambert: Your existence is confusing.
Vesemir: How so?
Lambert: Your presence is so fucking annoying, but the thought of anything bad happening to you upsets me.
Berengar: It's called Stockholm syndrome.
Lambert: Ah yes, another issue on my long, long list.
Berengar: I think you may also have PTSD.
Lambert: Yeah I have PTSD.
Lambert: Proficient Talent for Sucking D-
Vesemir: WE ALSO need to talk about your use of humor as a coping mechanism.
***
Vesemir: Everyone always asks me how I handle running the witcher school.
Vesemir: The truth is, I don’t. I have no control over them whatsoever. This morning, Geralt called my name, and when I showed up to see what was going on, Lambert shot me in the throat with a slingshot.
.