Kaer Morhen shenanigans part 2 but this time it’s a story! (kinda)
Here is: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10 and Daily Lambert
also Keira & Lambert’s love story, Aiden & Lambert’s love story and… this.
So the idea is that young witchers from the griffin and cat schools come to Kaer Morhen - including Coen and Aiden. The purpose of the visit is for aspiring witchers to learn something from each other, and in fact it's just an excuse to play with the idea of Lambert x Aiden. Of course, Lambert's witcher brothers will try to help him with his crush, and they will not miss the opportunity to make fun of him. Probably ooc but I just don't care.
***
Lambert: Can I ask a dumb question?
Berengar: Better than anyone I know.
Lambert: Is it gay to think about your best mate in the shower?
Berengar: ...
Geralt: ...
Eskel: ...
Lambert: Asking for a friend.
Berengar: ...
Geralt: ...
Eskel: ...
Lambert: But now seriously: I'm not gay if I wanna date Aiden as like bros, right?
Geralt: I'm no expert but that does sound kinda gay.
Berengar: I'm an expert. That's gay.
***
*Aiden and Coen talking and laughing*
Lambert: *staring at them silently*
Eskel: You’re really quiet today, Lambert.
Lambert: Nobody plans a murder out loud.
***
Lambert: Why does this griffin dude keep talking to you?
Aiden: Lambert, we are friends.
Lambert: I know you two are friends but...
Aiden, deadpan: No, Lambert, I meant you and I are friends.
Lambert: Yeah, we’re friends, but I’d fuck you if you asked.
Aiden: What?
Lambert: What?
Berengar, eating popcorn: He said he’d fuck you if you asked.
***
Lambert: Fuck, Aiden, you look like hell!
Aiden: Yeah? I just got back.
Lambert: Dude, who hurt you?
Aiden: Do you want a list or something?
Lambert:
Lambert: *grabs sword* Actually, yes.
Aiden: No, wait, we can't solve all our problems with murder.
Lambert: How about just this problem?
***
Lambert: I think I might have a crush on Aiden...
Berengar: Congratulations, you’re officially the last one to know.
Geralt: Aiden would never date a jerk like you.
Lambert: Fuck you, shouldn't I be one of your best friends?
Gerelt: Yeah, which is how I know you're a jerk.
Eskel: So what are you going to do?
Lambert: I don't know, something dramatic I hope.
***
Eskel: Why are you ignoring Aiden?
Lambert: I'm playing hard to get.
Geralt: Why would you do that? You're already hard to want.
***
Lambert: I’m in love with you.
Aiden: That’s... a terrible idea.
Lambert: Yeah, I have a lot of those.
***
Eskel: I shouldn't be interfering in this but give him a chance. Lambert would throw himself in front of a speeding horse for you.
Aiden: Lambert would throw himself in front of a speeding horse for fun.
***
Geralt: I don’t really mind Lambert being homosexual, I just don’t like him dating men.
Eskel: You really haven’t grasped the concept of this gay thing yet, have you?
Geralt: There must be homosexuals who date women.
Berengar: Yeah, they’re called lesbians.
***
Aiden: YOU’RE SO ANNOYING! I CANT BELIEVE IM DATING YOU!
Lambert: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! YOURE THE ONE WHO CHEATED!
Aiden: Because YOU cheated FIRST!
Eskel: I think we’re done playing gwent for tonight....
Geralt: Wait, no. I’m enjoying this.
***
Lambert: I have an idea, but I’m going to need your permission.
Aiden: Sudenly you need my permission?
Lambert: Cause if I mess it up, I don’t want it to be just my fault.
***
Eskel: We're going to die alone, aren't we?
Berengar: Well, you've got your goat...
***
Geralt: *screams*
Lambert: *screams louder to establish dominance*
Eskel: Should we do something?
Berengar: No, I want to see who wins this.
***
Lambert: Helpful grammar tip: farther is for physical distance, further is for metaphorical distance, and father is for emotional distance.
Eskel: Who hurt you?
Lambert: My father, weren't you paying attention?
Geralt: Do you mean your real father or Vesemir?
Lambert: Yes.
Eskel: ...
Geralt: ...
Eskel: Don’t say that, Vesemir would be proud of you.
Lambert: Lemme check.
Lambert: DAD, ARE YOU PROUD OF ME?!
Vesemir: Don't call me that in public.
Lambert: Well there you go.
Eskel: ...
Geralt: Dude...
Lambert: Ok, you know what, sometimes I don’t even realize an event was traumatic until I tell it as a funny story and notice everyone is staring at me weird.
***
Geralt: There are only three ways to do things; the right way, the wrong way, and the Lambert way.
Kaer Morhen shenanigans (but mostly Lambert’s) part 3
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Here is: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10 and Daily Lambert
also Keira & Lambert’s love story, Aiden & Lambert’s love story and… this.
.
[ Also here it is nice to remind you that Berengar, like Lambert, was dissatisfied with being a witcher and didn’t have a good opinion about Vesemir. This influenced his decision to reveal Kaer Morhen's location to Salamandra and cooperate with them. If you don't know who Berengar is, I highly recommend playing the Witcher 1. ]
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Vesemir: *points to Eskel* Dis a son.
Vesemir: *points to Geralt* Dis a son.
Vesemir: *points to Lambert* Dis a pointment.
Berengar: xD
Lambert: Fuck you.
Vesemir: *points to Berengar* Dis a ster.
Lambert: xD
Berengar: ...
***
Lambert: Am I a good son?
Berengar: No.
Lambert: Good.
Both: [evil laugh]
***
Vesemir: Berengar, I've been looking for you everywhere!
Berengar: What a coincidence, old man! I've been avoiding you everywhere!
***
*Young witchers on the path*
Lambert: I think I accidentally got your lunch.
Lambert: *holds up note* I am very proud of you, love Dad.
Eskel: Oh yeah, I didn’t think this was for me.
Eskel: *holds up note* Please be good. For the love of GOD, please be good!
***
Vesemir: We have lost touch as a family and it’s time we get reacquainted. Let’s start with an ice breaker game called, two truths and a lie!
Lambert: Oh, I’ll go! My eyes are blue, I’m basically sample size and one time...I escaped from a fisstech dealer dungeon by bribing them with sex.
Vesemir: [eye roll] Right idea, but it’s gotta be more challenging-
Eskel: His eyes are amber.
Vesemir: ...
Lambert: ...
Vesemir: You did WHAT?!
***
Lambert: I can make my own decisions I’m an adult!
Vesemir: Adults don’t start a bar fight because they forgot to bring their wallet and can’t pay the tab!
Lambert: I never said I can make good decisions.
Vesemir: Why are you doing this to me?
Lambert: Because I’m bored, it’s funny, and I hate you. There you are. The holy trinity of why.
***
Eskel: What's the worst decision you've ever made while drunk?
Lambert: Don't mean to brag, but I don't need alcohol to make bad decisions.
***
Eskel: The moon is so huge and pretty tonight!
Geralt: Yeah it is!
Berengar, quietly to Lambert: Should we tell them it’s just a tortilla you threw at the window?
Lambert: Please don’t.
***
Geralt: My worst trauma is when Lambert tried to murder me.
Lambert: I didn't try to murder you. I just didn't try to save you.
***
Lambert: I swing both ways.
Lambert: Violently. With a sword.
Lambert: Also, I’m bisexual.
Lambert: ... promise you won’t tell anyone?
Berengar: Your secret is safe with me. I wasn’t even listening.
*later*
Eskel: The printer messed up the invitations. it was supposed to say "Lambert’ birthday".
Geralt: What does it say instead?
Eskel: "Lambert’ bi"
Berengar: Well that could still work.
***
Geralt: I think we should do it.
Eskel: But that stuffs illegal!
Geralt: ...
Eskel: ...
Eskel: Ok, I’m in.
Lambert: *walking in the room*
Lambert: I heard illegal, I’m in.
***
Eskel: *angry* ARE YOU-
Lambert: Fucking.
Eskel: -KIDDING ME?!
Berengar: What was that?
Lambert: Eskel legally cannot say fuck, so I’ve volunteered to say it for him.
Geralt: I think you just like saying, fuck.
Lambert: That doesn’t make my job less important.
***
Lambert: Pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell. Looking back, I have no regrets.
Geralt: You should.
Lambert: Probably.
***
Guard: Put your weapons on the ground!
Lambert: How exactly do I put sarcasm, a scathing wit, and sex appeal on the ground?
***
Eskel: I sleep with a knife under my pillow.
Geralt: Weak. I sleep with a sword under mine.
Lambert: You're both pathetic.
Berengar: What killer weapon do you sleep with then, Mr. Badass?
Lambert, proud and confident: Aiden.
***
Berengar: What up? I’m back bitches.
Geralt: I literally saw you die. You died. You were dead.
Berengar: Death is a social construct.
***
Lambert, drunk at 1AM: *in pajamas and blasting ABBA in his room* Gimmie gimmie gimmie my man after midnight! Won’t somebody help me-
Geralt in the other room: Aiden is dead. Get over it and go to bed! There’s your help.
Kaer Morhen shenanigans (but mostly Lambert’s) part 10
Here is: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9 and Daily Lambert
also Keira & Lambert’s love story, Aiden & Lambert’s love story and… this.
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Lambert: Ok guys, operation ‘This Will Most Likely End Badly’ is a go!
* meanwhile *
Vesemir: *Literally just chilling for once while reading the newspaper*
*Suddenly an explosion far away*
Vesemir: *Glares at the phone*
Vesemir: Don’t ring, don’t ring…
Phone: *Rings*
Vesemir: *Muffled angry sounds and sobbing*
*later*
Vesemir: I don't fucking believe this. What do you do, sit in bed at night and think about ways to fuck up my life? You’re like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!
Lambert: Can I be Death?
Vesemir: No, you’re Pestilence because you’re a god damn pest! And your insolence goes too far this time!
Lambert: Wrong. It can go a lot further!
***
Eskel: Oh, what's up Vesemir?
Vesemir, back from another day of dealing with his sons and their bullshit: What's up is my blood pressure.
***
Lambert: Okay, name one thing you would change about me.
Eskel: Your personality.
Berengar: Your wardrobe.
Geralt: Your address.
Vesemir: All three above.
***
Coen, upon arriving in Kaer Morhen: Uh, excuse me, who’s in charge here?
Eskel: Theoretically, Vesemir.
Berengar: But usually that’s whoever yells the loudest.
Coen: Um, so… Any advice for a newbie?
Berengar: When work gets too overwhelming, remember that ultimately, you're going to die. And if you feeling anxious, worried or maybe you just want a chat, please, don’t come crying to me.
Lambert: And remember, the path to inner peace here begins with four words: not my fucking problem.
Geralt: I’m not great at advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? Like, for example, welcome to hell.
Coen:
Coen: What is this place?
Eskel: Unfortunately this is my home. And no matter how much I usually don't like to agree with them, everything they just said is true.
***
Eskel: This is probably the second weirdest way I’ve almost died.
Coen: What was the first?
Eskel: It’s very complicated but, long story short, my brothers are banned from every brothel in Kaedwen.
***
Lambert: Hey, I have kind of a crazy idea.
Eskel: Those are never comforting words coming from you.
*later*
Lambert: So hypothetically, if I were to get a young wyvern...
Vesemir: Lambert, you are not bringing a wyvern into Kaer Morhen.
Lambert: …
Eskel: So hypothetically, if Lambert lost a wyvern in castle 20 minutes ago...
Vesemir: …
Vesemir: Forget it, I’m not even shocked anymore.
Lambert: Aw, that’s no fun.
Vesemir: This has become the norm for you, Lambert.
Lambert: I’ll have to try harder next time.
Vesemir & Eskel: Please don’t.
Lambert: I feel like I’ve been issued a challenge.
***
Geralt: I dare you--
Vesemir: Lambert’s not allowed to accept dares anymore.
Geralt: Why not?
Lambert, mocking Vesemir: I have no regard for my own or others personal safety.
***
Vesemir: Berengar, I’m very disappointed in you.
Berengar: I’m not Lambert. Your approval means nothing to me, old man.
***
Eskel: If I were a drink I’d be a cherry vanilla soda. If you were a drink what would you be?
Geralt: Vodka.
Berengar: Bleach.
Lambert: Sewage.
Eskel, sighing: Please calm down edgelords.
***
Eskel: Lambert's been gone for awhile, do you think something’s happened to him?
Geralt: No, but I do think he happened to someone.
***
Eskel: I’m on my way, try not to swear at anybody.
Lambert: Fuck you. I’m not an idiot.
Eskel: There you go, like that.
***
Lambert: If I was kidnapped, what would you do?
Berengar: Nothing.
Eskel: Wait 30 minutes until they let you go voluntarily.
Geralt: As if anyone would voluntarily kidnap you. I would pay them to take you.
***
Vesemir: Lambert, the key in the fake rock only works if it's among other rocks, not sitting on your welcome mat!
Lambert: Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks, it's impossible to find when you're drunk.
***
Eskel: But Vesemir said-
Lambert: To hell with Vesemir!
Vesemir: I can hear you, Lambert.
***
Geralt: Get up you ass! It’s morning, the sun is out!
Berengar: The fuck am I supposed to do? Photosynthesis?
***
Vesemir: Let me ask you a straight question-
Lambert: Only if you’re okay with a gay answer.
***
Lambert: Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no.
Berengar: Don’t you have to be a stupid person somewhere else?
Lambert: Not until four.
***
Lambert: How do you politely tell someone you wanna hit them in the face with a brick several times?
Berengar: One wishes to acquaint your face with a rigidly edged object commonly used in the construction of walls, repeatedly.
Lambert: Wow, that was poetry.
Eskel: No, that was a therapy cry for both of you.
***
Countess Mignole: So what’s the tea?
Vesemir: Well apparently Berengar lost his sword again, Eskel is chasing Lambert because he called him a goatfucker, and Geralt is crying because he lost the bet and now he has to dye his hair canary yellow.
Countess Mignole: I meant what type of tea are you drinking, but maybe you need some alcohol.
Kaer Morhen shenanigans (but mostly Lambert’s) part 8
Here is: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10 and Daily Lambert
also Keira & Lambert’s love story, Aiden & Lambert’s love story and… this.
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Eskel: Can I keep this goat?
Vesemir: No.
Eskel: Why not? She’s so cute, I named her Lil’Bleater.
Berengar: Because she’ll hurt and annoy everyone.
Vesemir: And she will destroy everything.
Eskel: But you basically just described Lambert!
Geralt: He has a point. If we can keep Lambert we might as well keep the goat. She can't be worse than him.
Vesemir: It's hard to argue with this logic…
***
*brekfast*
Lambert: Give me a vodka on the rocks.
Geralt: Lambert, it’s 7 in the morning.
Lambert: And a piece of toast.
*a moment later*
Geralt: Eskel, we just ate. Why are you making pancakes?
Eskel: They’re for Lil’Bleater.
Berengar: Why are you making pancakes for goat?
Eskel: She doesn't know how.
***
Lambert: Um, guys?
Berengar: What now?
Lambert: Can animal breathe inside a washing machine while it’s on?
Berengar:
Geralt:
Eskel:
Eskel: Where’s Lil’Bleater?!
*a moment later*
Berengar: *leaning against a wall with Geralt while they watch Eskel try to catch Lambert *
Berengar: Amazing.
Geralt: This is the worst chase I’ve ever seen in my life. How has Eskel still not caught him?
Berengar: Lambert is pretty fast, and if he caught him, he would probably kill him. Tbh I don’t think Eskel really wants to touch him. You never know where he’s been.
Lambert: Eskel, calm down! This goat was stinking, someone had finally wash her!
Eskel: YOU CAN RUN BUT ILL STILL BE IN YOUR NIGHTMARES!
***
Vesemir: I can’t believe how drunk you are!
Lambert: I am not drunk.
Vesemir: Yes you are!
Lambert: I am not!
Vesemir: Can you tell the time?
Lambert: Yes *turns to point at clock* I am not drunk!
Vesemir, pointing out of a window: Lambert, do you see that over there? Running between the trees?
Lambert, confused: No, I don't. What is it?
Vesemir, now looking directly at Lambert: It's my patience for your stupid drunk shit, running away from me again!
***
Berengar: Wow, I really like this new, abstract, surrealist, post-modern painting of this depressive and tormented person.
Lambert: Dude, that’s a mirror.
***
Berengar: The fact that I exist literally pisses me off sometimes.
***
Vesemir: What are the signs of teenage depression?
Geralt: Why are you asking?
Vesemir: Berengar was doing laundry earlier and he dropped a sock and I heard him say “why has the god forsaken me”.
***
Vesemir: Where's Berengar? I've been looking for him all day.
Eskel: He’s been in the shower.
Vesemir: All day?
Eskel: Pretty much. He takes really long showers when he gets depressed.
Vesemir: Well, when do you think he’s going to come out?
Eskel: I don't know. He took a chair in there.
*a moment later*
Vesemir and Eskel: *knocks on bathroom door*
Berengar: Who is it?
Eskel: It's us, we just wanna talk.
Berengar: How many of you are there?
Vesemir: Two.
Berengar: Then talk to each other.
***
Vesemir, calling Lambert: Hello.
Lambert: What?
Vesemir: Lambert, you should identify yourself when you answer the phone.
Lambert: Sorry.
Lambert: *thick sarcasm* The Kaer Morhen keep, major disappointment speaking.
Lambert: Better?
Vesemir: *sighs in defeat*
***
Lambert: Hey guys- Why are you all standing on table? Are you playing a game?
Geralt: Yeah, we’re playing “we saw a young arachnomorph in the castle and don’t know where the fuck it went”.
Lambert: *scrambles onto table*
***
Lambert: I’ll think of a plan, I’m the best at plans.
Eskel: No. You’re not.
Lambert: I am! Name one bad plan I’ve come up with.
Eskel: Blowing up the rock troll in the castle tower.
Berengar: Starting a bar brawl because you forgot your wallet.
Geralt: Ritualistically sacrificing Eskel.
Eskel: Putting Lil’Bleater into the washing machine.
Geralt: Throwing bombs inside the castle.
Berengar: Take fisstech and go hunting for a Water Hag in brothel.
Geralt: Ooh, so that's why they kicked you out of there!
Lambert: …
***
Vesemir: I'm disappointed
Lambert: And I'm tired of hearing this shit. You're disappointed? Let's think about it: Brengar has depression and suicidal thoughts, I have drinking problem and anger issues, Eskel's best friend is a goat, and Geralt is a slut.
Geralt: Wait, what?
Lambert: And tell me Vesemir, whose fault is that?
Vesemir: It's not your job to question my parenting methods.
Lambert: Why not? I find some of your methods highly questionable.
Geralt: I'm not a slut!
***
Geralt: Ok Lambert, we need you to distract the guards.
Lambert: Right.
Berengar: What are you gonna do?
Lambert: I'm gonna kill them. That ought to distract 'em.
Geralt: I said distract them, not cut them down!
Lambert: There is just no pleasing you sometimes.
Gerlat: Lambert!
Lambert: FINE. I'll take care of it. No killing, I promise.
*Lambert leaves*
Geralt: What do you think Lambert will do for a distraction?
Eskel: He’ll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That’s what I would do.
*Building explodes and all the horses fled*
Berengar: ...or he could do that.
Geralt: …
Geralt: Fuck. It’s time for Plan B.
Berengar: We have a Plan B?
Geralt: No, but it’s time for one.
*meanwhile in another part of town, Vesemir on a date with countess Mignole*
Vesemir, to Mignole: Hah, look at those idiots getting chased by guards.
Vesemir: Wait.
Eskel, Geralt, Lambert & Berengar: *yelling in the distance*
Vesemir: SHIT- THOSE ARE MY IDIOTS
*later*
Vesemir: I can’t come today, sorry.
Countess Mignole: Why not?
Vesemir: Geralt, Eskel, Lambert and Berengar are all in the hospital.
Countess Mignole: Oh my, what happened?
Vesemir: Varying degrees of idiocy.
***
Eskel: With all due respect Geralt, have you lost your fucking mind?
Geralt: That's with all due respect? And since when you use the fuck word?
Eskel: You took advice from Lambert?!
Berengar: It’s called hitting rock bottom, Eskel.
Geralt: It's called following Vesemir's directions. He always said: „In the unlikely event that you encounter something that is not covered here, find a man named Lambert of Kaer Morhen, get his advice, and then do the opposite.”
Eskel: But you did exactly what Lambert told you!
Geralt: Because it was good advice.
***
Vesemir: Eskel wants to become a witcher when he grows up to kill monsters and help people in need. My other son, Lambert, wants to be a porcupine so he can stab people with his butt.
***
Vesemir, before the young witchers set off on their first independent journey: Eskel, you should look after Lambert.
Eskel: What do you mean? He's a witcher now.
Vesemir: That doesn’t mean he actually knows what he’s doing.
*later on the path during dinner*
Lambert: Okay, guys, who wanted the macaroni and bees?
Eskel: ...
Gerlat: You mean cheese?
Lambert, struggling to keep the bowl covered: That does make more sense, actually.
Eskel: I'm starting to understand what Vesemir meant.
***
Lambert: Your existence is confusing.
Vesemir: How so?
Lambert: Your presence is so fucking annoying, but the thought of anything bad happening to you upsets me.
Berengar: It's called Stockholm syndrome.
Lambert: Ah yes, another issue on my long, long list.
Berengar: I think you may also have PTSD.
Lambert: Yeah I have PTSD.
Lambert: Proficient Talent for Sucking D-
Vesemir: WE ALSO need to talk about your use of humor as a coping mechanism.
***
Vesemir: Everyone always asks me how I handle running the witcher school.
Vesemir: The truth is, I don’t. I have no control over them whatsoever. This morning, Geralt called my name, and when I showed up to see what was going on, Lambert shot me in the throat with a slingshot.
Kaer Morhen shenanigans (but mostly Lambert’s) part 5
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Here is: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10 and Daily Lambert
also Keira & Lambert’s love story, Aiden & Lambert’s love story and… this.
.
Geralt: How late is Lambert now?
Eskel: Two and a half hours.
Geralt: How did this happen? I called him at 8 o’clock this morning and pretended it was 11.
Eskel: I printed that fake schedule for him, saying we were starting at 9 instead of noon.
Berengar: Oh, and I set his clock to PM when it’s really AM.
Geralt:
Geralt: We may have overdone it.
Lambert: *bursts in* WHAT THE HELL TIME IS IT?!
***
Geralt: We saved our best idea for last.
Eskel: If it's your best idea, why did you leave it for last?
Lambert: Because we didn't know it was our best idea until our other ideas turned out to be terrible.
*moment later*
Geralt: It’s not illegal if you don’t get caught!
Eskel: We’re literally being chased by guards right now! How can you say that?!
Lambert: Yeah, yeah, whatever!
*an arrows comes flying towards them*
Lambert: Ooooh, it’s about to get fun!
Eskel: Lambert, NO.
***
Vesemir: What will this accomplish, Lambert? What are you trying to do?
Lambert: *shouting from the top of lungs* MY BEST!
***
Vesemir: WHY IS THERE BLOOD EVERYWHERE?!
Lambert: I may or may not have aggressively poked Geralt with a sword.
Vesemir: YOU STABBED GERALT?!
Lambert: No no, aggressively poked him with a sword.
***
Eskel: I have a question.
Vesemir: Hm?
Eskel: Is four a lot?
Vesemir: Depends on context - orens; no, murders; y-
Lambert: Murders also no.
Vesemir, hitting him with a newspaper: LAMBERT!
Lambert: WHAT?!
***
Vesemir: Our wolf school needs to find a way to cut down on expenses. Any ideas what we can live without?
Geralt: Lambert.
***
Geralt: Ok, so we have this plan-
Eskel: I’m not even going to try to give advice anymore.
Lambert: Okay, so we need a rock troll, a mallet, saltpeter and zerrikanian mix. Good?
Berengar: Good.
Geralt, Lambert and Berengar: *walk away*
Eskel:
Eskel: I’m so tired.
* A moment later , witchers just before setting the fuse on fire*
Eskel: This is a mistake...
Lambert: A mistake we're going to laugh about one day!
Geralt: But not today xD
Berengar: Oh no, today is gonna be a mess.
Eskel: You're not really scared, aren’t you?
Berengar: Not really. I’ve already lived longer than I expected.
*Lambert sets fire to the fuse. An explosion breaks the windows in the castle*
Vesemir, yelling: WITCHER LAMBERT OF KAER MORHEN WHERE ARE YOU?!
Eskel: Oh, you mean Lambert the biggest Idiot of Kaer Morhen? Lambert I-Have-No-Idea-What-I'm-Doing of Kaer Morhen? Lambert I-Probably-Shouldn't-Be-Allowed-To-Be-A-Witcher of Kaer Morhen? Lam-
Vesemir: Is he pulling some reckless magic bullshit with Geralt and Berengar again?
Eskel: TAKE A GUESS.
*A few moments later*
Berengar: Vesemir, I really don’t see the point in getting upset over spilt milk.
Vesemir: Why would I be upset? The entire east wing of castle will be unusable for the next fortnight and three of my witchers orchestrated it.
Lambert: Actually it was four. Eskel was there as well.
Eskel: Why would you say that?
Geralt: We just thought it would help cushion the blow if we distribute the blame.
Eskel: Cushion who?
Berengar: Us mostly.
*Later*
Berengar: Why is Lambert bleeding?
Eskel: Because he's an idiot.
Berengar: I didn’t know idiocy caused people to bleed from their nose.
Eskel: Me either, I think it's a new phenomenon.
***
Lambert: I know you hate our pranks but stick with me with this one, and I promise you, you will love it.
Eskel: Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed this time?
Lambert: Kind, Sober and Fully Dressed. Good news, everyone! I found the name of Eskel's sex tape.
*later*
Lambert: (wearing a mask and holding a knife) WE OFFER UP THIS VIRGIN, FLESH AND BLOOD.
Eskel: Lambert, I'm not a virgin.
Lambert: (stops) Huh. Life is full of surprises.
***
Lambert: Why is my sword in the refrigerator?
Berengar: You said: “This is really gonna confuse me tomorrow”. Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
Lambert: This explains so much
***
Eskel: Why are you speaking in third person?
Lambert: Because I’m so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore. What's should I change into?
Geralt: A better person.
Lambert:
Lambert: Try me bitch.
***
Vesemir: Imagine if somebody gave you a box full of everything you lost during your childhood.
Geralt: Wow, my innocence! Thanks for finding this!
Berengar: My will to live! Haven’t seen this in years!
Eskel: I knew I lost my potential somewhere!
Lambert: Mental stability, my old friend.
Vesemir: ...
Berengar: If you are wondering now whether you are a bad parent, then, well, you are.
***
Vesemir: Alright everyone, I have an announcement to make and only have a minute
Lambert: Are you in a hurry?
Vesemir: No, I was just referring to your short attention span. Now, since you won’t be able to contact me for a month, I’ve left a complimentary bowl of advice.
Vesemir: For example, “Lambert, stop doing that!” just applies to everything.
Lambert: Why does everyone assume the worst of me?
Berengar: It saves time.
***
Berengar: To the prick who stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy now.
***
Geralt: What time is it?
Lambert: I don't know, pass me the beehive bomb we'll find out.
Lambert: * throws a bomb out the window *
Vesemir, screaming from the other room: WHO THE FUCK FIRED THE BOMB AT 2 AM?!
Lambert: It's 2 am.
***
Eskel: So, who will do it?
Geralt: Definitely not me.
Lambert: Shouldn't Vesemir do this?
Eskel: Give him a break. One of us must do it.
Lambert, taking a phone: Alright, let it be, I'll do it.
Funeral home employee, on the phone: You're calling to make arrangements for a loved one?
Lambert: No, actually I found a dead raccoon on the road and figured, if I don't honour him-
Employee: uhh...
Lambert: who will?
Eskel, facepalming: Oh, for the fuck's sake, Lambert!
