Boundaries
One of the biggest learnings for me is my boundaries are not where I thought they would be. As I mentioned in earlier posts, we started this lifestyle six years ago with a lot of boundaries - created by me - based on what I thought I could handle. Those boundaries did not make the lifestyle fun or easy for her, so she changed the game to work for her. By the way, I find it very hot that she did that. She led me to her desires and I adapted. Her pleasure ruled the day, which is my motivation. As my situation changed, I had to be very self-aware about how things make me feel and to either change my perception or ask for what I need to cope. I learned that I have a lot of insecurities about losing the girl, being taken for granted, and being deemed not worthy of her. My wife and children are my world, so I wanted to be careful not to lose them. I created boundaries that I thought would lower that risk.
For instance, I naively wanted no emotional connection with her lovers, but more transactional sex. Hot right? Hell no! It enhances the experience for her, makes it easier, more consistent sex when she has a steady FWB. The connection increases the chemistry and the connection and hopefully the orgasm for her. Gifts were a no. Now, she has a ring from her FWB that she wears all the time and a bracelet (long story) that she wears on occasion. (I've mentioned the competitive aspect of this in earlier posts. She is starting to look like a Christmas tree from Tiffanies.) Dates were a no. Now, they have lunch in plain view and spend hours together. My fear was that she would fall in love with the guy, and we would become the cautionary tell of why people should not do this lifestyle. She would find greener pastures and leave me. We had to find the balance that reassures me that she is not falling for the guy.
With the confidence that all of these broken boundaries did not cause me to lose the girl, I am eager to push my limits even more, to benefit us both. I want to find where my current boundaries exist - in my mind, in our relationship, or in her presumptions about my reaction, so we can explore these boundaries. Just like she changed the game early on, I need her to keep changing the game. Where her pleasure goes, I will follow.
Now I don't suggest that you simply move a boundary without talking first. Violating that trust could be devastating. So, it's back to the importance of communication. Talk about where you think boundaries might exist, or an experience that might be off limits, and really think about why that is. It may be as simple as an experience has not been discussed in six years and it would be fine. I often wonder if my wife would want an overnight experience, or a short trip with a lover. It has not happened, and we (or I) decided six years ago that would be too hard. Six years is way too long to not revisit. As I read more about the stag side of things, I am very interested in exploring different ways to enhance my experience. Overtime, the art of this lifestyle is to keep it fun, and to grow beyond where you started. Challenge your boundaries and explore more and more opportunities to give each other the best experiences possible.
