#coura

[murkmirth-halo]

happy valentine's day from Chrysanthemum, Amor, Coura, and Romeo!

[ramendotexe]

I’ve been in Arknights gacha hell for two weeks now. Here are some of my fav units so far

[antmfunny]

2. Oh the Horror!

The model bus pulls up to a dilapidated mansion, which serves as the site of the photo shoot. Drew explains that Lady Gaga on American Horror Story has bridged the gap between horror and fashion. He really should give credit where credit is due, though: ANTM did it first when they thought Kelly Cutrone would make a good judge.

Drew says that the brief is for the models to act a combination of scared and fierce. Given this show’s love of invented portmanteau, you’d think at least one of the judges would jump on “FEARCE” but that never transpires. I realize that’s one you have to see rather than hear, but if ANTM is going to keep springing for graphics to spell out #NextLevelFierce and COURA-GE, they could do that here, too.

Drew introduces the freaky celebrity costume designer B. Akerlund to dress the girls and boy is she a sight for sore eyes. I mean that literally, what’s with her eyes?

B. greets the models in such a weird way that I’m going to transcribe it as spoken word poetry:

“hi models welcome to my world of horror today’s about torture and pain none of my looks are comfortable so enjoy the nightmare”

Forget costumes, get this woman a job writing next cycle’s acting script!

She’s right, the wardrobe looks terrible to wear. Drew stresses that it’s not a shoot for complainers - thank Satan that Courtney isn’t here! Christina gets locked in her own personal head prison, Jeana just visited the world’s worst acupuncturist and Rio…

Easily has the worst photo, right? The judges give it a pass because they consider it “comedy.” No doubt I laughed at it, but what the hell is that face?

Sorry, Liz, it sure looks like Rio got that prop.

On the real, Khrystyana’s hair isn’t the only thing with 50 shades of gray because there is an element of S&M to this shoot. There’s that paddle that Drew says he’s going to keep for himself (eww) and that B. says is from her own closet (double eww.) I’m not here to kink shame, but maybe let the models pose with something new rather than making them handle your used sex toy.

Speaking of sex toys, was Liz getting fit for a ball gag? Anything to make her shut up, I suppose.

I’m 100% certain that the show is taking a jab at Sandra’s chastity by positioning a skull on her crotch.

If you also buy into the symbolism, do you suppose this clip is foreshadowing?

Is Sandra finally going to lose “it”? Will her deceased poonani finally get smashed open before the cycle’s over?

I’m telling you, if Sandra has any taste whatsoever, she’ll save herself for Stacey McKenzie.

Once again the judges hate Sandra’s photo saying she looks like Lady Gaga in that the wig is wearing her rather than she’s wearing the wig. (Oh the shade on Lady Gaga!) Liberty, on the other hand, gets complimented for her wig-wearing ability.

In the spirit of this frightening shoot, I’m going to admit something that I’m most afraid to say aloud: I think Liberty’s the best model in the house at this point. This shot deserved another first call out. Welcome to Trump’s America, y’all - it’s a red state takeover!

While I’m paying compliments, I might as well say that I loved Brendi’s makeup and wardrobe and think her makeover should permanently be Harley Quinn.

And I don’t care if it barely fits the brief, Kyla just sitting and staring is STUNNING.

Congrats to Kyla on being the only pregnant model in the competition to keep her baby. She told us she is an activist, but I wouldn’t have guessed that meant pro-life.

At one point during the shoot, B. Akerlund says of Rhiyan:

If that’s supposed to be a criticism, it really shouldn’t be. Has she seen what she looks like? You’d think dead would be B’s aesthetic of choice.

I also want to highlight her complaint about Coura:

GLASS HOUSES, B. Akerlund!

5 Funniest Moments of America’s Next Top Model Cycle 24 Ep. 4

[begottaum]

We must assume our existence as broadly as we in any way can; everything, even the unheard - of, must be possible in it. This is at bottom the only courage that is demanded of us: to have courage for the most strange, the most inexplicable.

 Rainer Maria Rilke 

[d-j-c-p-blog]

[nula7]

Mezi pátky bez legrace CXXXIII.

Ani vlastní hlavě nejde poručit.

Stále

Jsi na vždy vzdálená A pořád se mnou bydlíš Bydlíš v mojí hlavě Ráno se mnou vstáváš A ovládáš mě hravě Ta hořká pachuť z lahve vína A vůbec všechno tě tu připomíná Ano, neviděl jsem tě už roky Ale pořád slyším ty tvé kroky Jsi v ševelení křídel ptáků A v podobiznách šedých mraků Když tváře skrápí slzy deště Co všechno vyvolá tě ještě Kde všude ukryta ta tvoje aura Co vždycky všechno zbourá Ta coura

[antmfunny]

3. Beauty Tips with Patrick Starrrrrrrr

Ashley Graham enters the house, but this time she doesn’t bring any pesto pasta. She’s here to talk about accepting your own body and blah blah blah… it’s really hard to pay attention because Ashley’s boobs are on display in a major way.

But, sure, I agree, big is beautiful, particularly when it’s DD.

Ashley prompts the models to talk about their insecurities and who they’ll represent with their look. Jeana’s not just doing it for the alopecia sufferers, she’s also looking forward to repping for bald men. Yeah, she really said that. I don’t know how many men with receding hairlines have been waiting for a bald lady to make them feel good in their own hairless skin, but let’s go with it!

Coura says she’s cried in cab rides home from modeling agencies (cabs? did she also drop out of driver’s ed?) that have called her “too masculine.” Coura, you bitch, that’s Brendi K’s [the K stands for Ken doll] insecurity, you can’t steal it.

Christina is more confident in her look, which Ashley acknowledges. Christina says, “I don’t want to have that I’ve-been-there-done-that attitude, but…” Nope! Stop while you’re ahead Christina. “… but like I do have the experience.”

So she doesn’t want to say she’s been there, done that, but she also wants to say that she’s been there, done that. Christina, this is supposed to be about how you’re going to be relatable to people, not come off as obnoxious.

Next she claims to be more “professional” than the other girls… in what fucking world, Christina? She’s come off as a brat since moment one.

Ashley isn’t the only guest to visit the house. Next through the door is… Oh my god! It’s… whoever that is.

I don’t watch Youtube personalities nor do I wear makeup, so I had to google Patrick Star… which is apparently a Sponge Bob character.

From there I learned that the challenge’s special guest is actually named Patrick Starrr with three R’s. That’s more R’s than Kyle’s first love, Starr, even. I’m tempted to call that stupid, but if he’s brave enough to wear that outfit, he can have all the R’s he wants, I reckon.

It makes me feel better that we don’t get any evidence that anyone aside from Rio knows who Patrick Starrr is either. I mean, I guess Tyra did, too, since she appeared on his channel, but I watched the video and it’s clear to me she did it an attempt to plug her cosmetics line more than anything. I mean, she’s snapping on her gum like she’s too good to be there.

Rather than watching the full video, I suggest you watch this compilation of Tyra testing Patrick’s patience:

Anyway, Starrr is here to shoot beauty videos with the girls for a social media challenge. The girls get some unusual items to work with in their videos, like hardboiled eggs, scotch tape, shaving cream, and condoms. There’s also “chicken cutlets,” which I’m pretty sure is of the bra padding variety, but in my head, I’m pretending the models were rubbing their faces with raw chicken because that makes the segment that much more exciting. Salmonella, here we come!

The worst two performers, as far as we can tell, are Christina and Coura. Christina is too slow at pulling tape off the dispenser (hey, sometimes it gets stuck, we’ve all been there) while Coura talks way too fast to be understood. Too slow and too fast? No wonder they end up in the bottom two. I can hear Tyra’s speech already: “You each have what the other one needs…”

Erin also seems a little lost because she’s 40-whatever and doesn’t understand social media. She’s still waiting for all her fellow contestants to accept her Friendster invites.

As for the standouts, there’s Rio, who acts a little extra if you ask me, but that’s probably not a problem for viewers of someone like Patrick Starrrrrr.

The other stars are the team of Sandra and Shanice. Sandra can’t stop laughing that she got assigned the condoms because, I don’t know if you’ve heard this, she’s a virgin. If she’s not going to stuff a cock in it, I hope she at least stuffs a sock in it, because it’s really not that big of a deal.

Shanice, though, is out to prove that she’s every bit of the freak we assumed she was since that acting challenge. She says she has three personas: Sha-Nice, Sha-Mean, and Sha-Nasty, and while handling condoms, it’s Sha-Nasty who is out to play. She tells us that she likes “hard” condoms, and that she likes them on her face. Why would you want a condom on their face, though?

Unfortunately for Sha-Nasty, that’s just a little too vulgar to win the prize unless Law is judging, so her scene partner Sandra gets the win instead. Sandra’s video will appear on Patrick’s channel, misinforming viewers that rubbing condoms on your face is a good form of beauty treatment. 

4 Funniest Moments of America’s Next Top Model Cycle 24 Ep. 5

[antmfunny]

1. Beauty Sandwiches

Tyra’s welcomes the girls to panel where the judges will assess their “beauty sandwiches.” Why would anyone other than a cannibal would refer to a shot with three heads as a sandwich? Tyra must really be hungry because will she not drop the sandwich metaphor.

When the first group steps up for its critique, Tyra asks what kind of sandwich they are. Jeana says their sandwich has lots of ketchup. I’m not sure what that means… unless it has something to do with menstruation, in which case I don’t want to get it. Rio says there were also extra onions, and Tyra pretends she can smell their breath from 20 feet away.

Tyra also wants to know what kind of sandwich the next group is, and Shanice says they are a Baconator. Baconator? Between Shanasty, Erin, and Christina, there aren’t any fatties in the group. If Shanice wanted to go with fast food, she should have said a McRib. Shanice explains it’s because Christina is the “lettuce” with her green hair, even though Wendy’s doesn’t even bother pretending that the Baconator is in any way healthy by throwing something green on it.

You can see Christina laugh at Shanice’s lettuce comment, then Law asks if it was meant to be shade, and suddenly we see Christina frowning. Yeah whatever, that’s twice in one episode the editors have been sloppy with that kind of shit.

Not that Christina doesn’t have reason to frown. The judges don’t like how Christina is smooshing her partners. Erin explains that “being in the middle of a sandwich is very difficult.” Yeah, you don’t know how bad peanut butter and jelly have it! It does kind of look like Christina is lying limply on top like a piece of lettuce and Erin’s face is no longer her face, according to Tyra because it’s squashed.

Christina defends herself by explaining that she works out daily, a point that Drew and Law immediately laugh off as being irrelevant. I get why she’s saying it, though, because even though we’re only looking at faces in the photo, the top person especially has to pretty much be doing some weird yoga pose to fit into the shot. Plus, Shanice just straight up called Christina lazy. Ashley jumps in to say, “I work out too, but it’s not like I have to advertise.” Except that she just found a dumber excuse to point out that SHE works out than Christina did.

Law concludes that their sandwich is a panini because it’s all smooshed. That’s easily Law’s best joke of the night, and notice how it includes no mention of bottoming!

We don’t hear how the next groups refers to their sandwich, but I’m going to go ahead and say it’s turkey on white bread with a lot of mayo. Surely it’s not a coincidence that the only three (all) white contestants are grouped together. Maybe we should call it the Trump? It’s got an ignorant base, an attractive model with a whacky accent as garnish, and it’s topped off with some angry trailer park resident.

Challenge winner Sandra, along with Kyla, has the “advantage” of posing with Ashley Graham for her sandwich. Much like Khrystyana’s “advantage” of getting to pick an extra team member during the YouTube challenge where standing out was key, I don’t consider it an advantage at all. I mean, you know the judges are going to say Ashley outshines you no matter what - heck, Tyra even gives Ashley honorary top call-out. Not to mention they’re going to choose whatever Ashley’s best photo is, so you’ve got to hope that you happen to look good in that shot.

Which brings me to another important point that I’m sure I’ve mentioned in the past - group shots on this show are so bogus. You have to evaluate each woman’s best individual shots for this to be fair. I’m sure Coura had better shots than the one in which Rio looked her awesomest.

Tyra doesn’t make the women explain their sandwich (obviously, it’s a s’more with that Graham cracker and a couple golden brown marshmallows) but she does have visions of spinning off a reality show following Ashley, Sandra, and Kyla’s lives. That sounds hella boring, Tyra, do not make it happen. Law thinks they make for a good “beauty at any age” campaign since Kyla looks so young and… well, the implication is that Ashley’s really old, even though she’s barely 30 and younger than a few of the contestants. Law brought up shade incorrectly earlier, but THAT was the real shade.

However, Ashley seems more offended by Kyla calling her “regular” in a botched attempt to gush about how normal a celebrity like Ashley is.

“I’m not basic, but I’m regular” should be the go-to comeback to anyone being called basic from now on.

After all this sandwich talk, no one bothers to flip the sandwich question around on Tyra. If Tyra were a sandwich, she’d be a Banh me-me-me-me-me.

When making that joke, I decided to see if Tyra’s ever been to Vietnam and here’s what I found:

Damn, Tyra, the Hanoi traffic ain’t the scariest part of that photo. It’s like she either is an alien or just saw one.

Unfortunately, it’s this cycle’s extraterrestrial that gets the boot for being the spoiled deli meat in her group’s sandwich. At least Tyra gets to call her an alien a few more times (Coura is “not a human being” and “came from somewhere in the celestial skies”) before sending her back to her home planet. At least she didn’t leave on an empty stomach!

4 Funniest Moments of America’s Next Top Model Cycle 24 Ep. 5