1 of the 4511
I was struggling with my faith.
It all started when I failed our Incoming 5th Year Qualifying Exam. I was devastated, and after reading testimonies from some of my batchmates sobra akong nagtampo, tinanong ko S’ya if He was playing favorites? Haha. Nakakahiya, kumbaga dun sa Parable of the Sower (?) ako yung seed which fell on the rocky soil. Sobrang tampo ko, I stopped praying altogether, I stopped reading the bible, I stopped listening to and singing worship songs.
Buti na lang 2-strike policy pa sa batch namin kaya eligible pa ‘ko for a retake, pero struggle kase ayoko na sana magreview uli. Nakakababa ng morale, and many times during my review for the retake gusto ko na lang sumuko, and talagang susuko na ‘ko dapat. Pero know what, not once lang na nangyari na just right when I told myself na ayoko na mag-aral and binitawan ko na libro ko biglang may magtetext ng “Galingan mo, I’m praying for you.” As in, nakaka-amaze, at alam ko S’ya yon, pero during that time ayoko yun irecognize. Yung retake naipasa ko, pero yung faith ko talaga di ko naibalik sa dati.
Nag-5th year ako na halos hindi ko S’ya kinakausap, sobrang dalang ko magpray. Dumating sa point na sobrang hina na ng faith ko, I was starting to doubt His existence. Feeling ko at some point of 2016 sobrang lapit ko na maging atheist, na suddenly all these bible verses did not make sense to me. Sobrang scary, sobra. The night na narealize ko yon I prayed hard to Him to save me from that dilemma, to not let me drift that far away ever again, kase gusto ko isalvage yung relationship ko sa Kanya. Di ko kasi alam, siguro naghahanap ako ng validation? Gusto ko S’ya mafeel pero ba’t parang di ko S’ya mafeel?
Pero iba nga talaga sa review school, ano. Sa review, di lang susubukin sa’yo kung gano mo na-master yung mga accounting concepts, matetest ka rin talaga mentally and spiritually. Pero sobrang stubborn ko, I pray intently lang every Thursday sa St. Jude, kapag nahihirapan na ‘ko sa sarili kong review, hangga’t maaari di talaga ko humihingi ng tulong.
Around two to three weeks before board exams ngarag na ‘ko, andami ko pang dapat icover na topics pero yung utak ko ayaw na mag-absorb huhu. At dahil ang stubborn ko talaga, di pa rin ako nagppray. Pero that verse –yung “Come to me all of you who are weary and I’ll give you rest”—it kept repeating in my mind, hanggang sa hindi ko na talaga kaya yung pagod and pressure, nagpray ako. And in an instant, I felt peace. Nakaka-amaze. Alam mo yung feeling ‘pag nasa dagat ka, tapos tahimik, wind blowing on your face, and there’s no other sound but the water crashing on the sea shore. Alam mo yung ganung klaseng peace of mind? Ganun yung feeling. Pag binabalikan ko ngayon nakakaiyak T.T sobrang stubborn ko, pero when I finally prayed He immediately answered. That was Wednesday, 2 days before board exam. Sa sobrang at peace ko ata nagmukha akong chill, kase tinanong ako ng ka-dorm ko non kung hindi raw ba ‘ko kinakabahan? Kase mukha raw akong chill. And to be honest hindi na ‘ko talaga kinakabahan.
Yung peace na binigay N’ya sa’kin nung Wednesday na yon abot hanggang release of results. Hindi ako kinabahan, hindi ako nagworry habang naghihintay, although every time na magpopost yung PRC ng “Results are out!” nagsskip ng beat yung puso ko hahaha pero hanggang dun lang. Laging nagrerepeat sa utak ko na that battle has already been won, kase it was not me who fought, it was Him. Huhuhu.
You know what? Looking back, I realized na I actually needed to fail. That Incoming 5th Year Qualifying Exam failure was a slap in the face, that I was not as good as I think I am, that I was overestimating my capabilities. Kung hindi ako bumagsak sa exam na yon, baka hindi ko ibinigay yung klase ng effort na ibinigay nung review for the board exam. Baka andun pa rin ako sa mentality na “kaya ko na yon, madali lang naman yun e”. This is so cliché na to say pero you really just have to trust the process, no? God really wouldn’t do anything that will hurt you, and in the end everything will make perfect sense. And it all makes sense to me know.
