Still haven't gotten a pen so here's a notes doodle
CW : mention of parental abuse towards other parent and other types of neglect and abuse seen on the ACEs test
I was born under the ladder.
Everyone kept telling me I wasn't trying hard enough to climb the ladder, telling me it just took a little effort. I tried and tried but I couldn't even reach the ladder, let alone start climbing it. No matter if I went on my tippy toes, jumped, even with a headstart; it was too high up.
I used to blame myself for this. I hadn't seen anyone else ever be below the ladder so, in my mind, it must have been a quick process for everyone else to get hold of the rope. How embarrassing.
I had no idea that many people started with a stable home, a support system (family, safe adults, friends, etc), a calm and comfortable environment to grow up in.
My parents divorced when I was 3 after I walked in on my Dad tenderizing my Mom for complaining about the kitchen light being on. I don't remember details. I've gotten different sides of it from both of them. The difference between the two is that only one of them admitted that they would have killed the other if I hadn't walked in.
I grew up with my Mom. Didn't even know what a Dad was. Not even when my Dad got partical custody a few years later and I was dropped off at his house, my Mom obviously annoyed. I thought he was my new babysitter.
Honestly, I still don't really know what a Dad is.
My Mom is disabled. If you ask her if she was, she'd disagree, but she's always been as long as I can remember, even if I didn't have the words. I know that now because of my own diagnosises.
As such she had a hard time doing laundry, dishes, cleaning. She still did, mostly, but she was always so angry about it. She didn't teach me to take care of myself or how to do chores, she just expected me to know how and when to. Unfortunately, children don't respond well to kind of this attitude - at least I didn't - so I often hoarded my dirty clothes and dishes in my room.
Even in elementary I'd go to school in dirty clothes. She didn't seem to notice. I didn't understand how clothes were cleaned, or that they needed to be cleaned in the first place. All I knew were my socks felt bad and if I pulled on them they would produce small poofs of dust.
My Mom stopped making me lunches in 3rd grade after the end of year clean out when the teachers found my locker full of apples and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, most of which were in some stage of decomposing.
I had told my Mom apples hurt to bite, so she cut them up but they'd turn brown that way and I couldn't handle that ( #undiagnosedautistic ). She didn't care. As for the sandwiches, there is only so many times you can eat the same soggy sandwich while surrounded by other kids that had proper lunches with actual snacks and drinks.
By junior high (maybe even mid elementary) my Mom didn't even wake up before I'd leave for school. Our lives were so disconnected from each other..
Of course, when we did interact there was always a screaming match that came with it. It was rare that a day passed where she didn't swear at me, or I didn't hear her voice crack.
This is already really long, so I won't continue, but if you've heard of the ACEs test, I got 9/10. Possibly 10/10 but I can't remember if my Dad went to jail or not.
All this to say, if you're like me?
You need help to get up to that ladder. Most people already have that help the moment they are born, hell they never find themselves under the ladder in the first place, but you need others.
Find people that are good for you. Not just fun, and definitely not people that love bomb you or are immediately ready to jump off a cliff for you, but stable people. Calm people.
You aren't supposed to live your life in a pit.
I know it's easier said than done. I know.
But keep your heart open (and educated! Read up on abusive relationships, how to communicate, how to feel your own emotions) and be there for yourself in the meantime.
That starts with paying attention to how you treat yourself now. Are you kind? Are you patient? If not, why? Find out.
Okay I've been rambling for far too long. I love you.
