#crazykeeping

[filenesdebasement]

i realize no one wants to hear this but it's 2:30 AM so. thanks to engaging with my angry molested 9yo alter i am living the classic homophobic child spn moment every day of my life now ✌

[hypokeimena]

gender is stressful. my dad doesn't like coffee so growing up in my family coffee was feminine-coded and now i'm convinced everyone will know i'm Not Cis bc i'm holding a coffee cup. like not that i have longish hair and no facial hair and pink glasses and i'm not binding

it's the starbucks that will give me away

[filenesdebasement]

lrb is sooo like why thought insertion / thought broadcasting is Real, psychosis is just experiencing the structural bones of reality at a more stripped-down level, it’s just not CONVENIENT: you must accept that it’s not ‘true’ in the pragmatic sense because it renders action impossible: but posts really ARE the ideas of others invading you like knives

[filenesdebasement]

i guess the antipsych posts i see about scrupulosity seem to presume that it’s a mental process that WOULD make people more ethical agents — i.e., accurately attuned to their moral position in the world as a whole, albeit perhaps debilitatingly aware of it — if they just allowed it to run unfettered. and maybe that’s true like 10% of the time? but if it were just ‘existential hyper-awareness’ i wouldn’t even like, complain about having this disorder or call it one! in my experience the worst things about it are: (1) makes it extremely difficult to tell whether i am responsible for literally anything that has happened or will happen, ever; (2) collapses the intensity of all actions so they all hold the exact same moral weight, e.g., liking the wrong post is exactly as bad as killing a person; (3) prevents me from taking almost any meaningful action because i am convinced that anything i do down to breathing is going to hurt or kill someone. This is very different from like, understanding how supply chains work and the role my consumption of coffee plays in global inequalities; my ocd makes it *much harder* for me to think clearly about things like that.

i’m sure people are using the terms ‘scrupulosity’ and ‘moral ocd’ in a variety of ways, and mine has additionally been described as thought disorder/delusional, but like… argh!!!

[filenesdebasement]

"oh no, it would be Bad to dissociate into the version of myself that is capable of gay sex solely to have gay sex" -> dissociates into the version of myself that is asexual and can only remember social development up to the age of 9 -> ok can you possibly see how that is not the move

[filenesdebasement]

omg ok currently hanging on to reality by my fingertips

things that helped:

way more buspirone than normal

deliberate deep breaths

“what can i see that indicates [a specific event in my life has happened], therefore it must be past [year]” — caveat: requires visual processing well enough to recognize objects

walking thru cemetery seeing birds and trees

wanted mocha frappuccino type thing and remembered there is a dunkin donuts nearby so got it

you do not HAVE to do [whatever impulse either carries you into the darkness OR purports to solve it]; this is what’s incredibly hard to remember

“john sheppard would have this exact breakdown”

[filenesdebasement]

i don’t rly differentiate btwn ‘mild capgras tendencies’ and ‘semi faceblind’ and ‘autistic difficulty with change’ and ‘dissociative such that i often don’t remember who ppl in my life are esp if they change things abt their appearance/etc’. mostly it’s mortifying to know that i havent rly evolved beyond the person i was at age 8 when my best friend got glasses and i got mad at her and refused to interact with her for a while bc to me she was a Different Person now.

[filenesdebasement]

im kind of upset because i kind of thought i was possibly malingering due to my contrarian evil psychosis symptoms / etc due to the Breakage last couple semesters. but i am no longer in that particular headspace, and now that it’s been a few weeks since vacation i once again can’t do things like ‘process multiple audio inputs at once’ or ‘think of chores to do w/o prompting’. it wasn’t just The Evil making me slack off to hurt others on purpose, i am this disabled even when trying my hardest :/