#crownd

[the-looking-glasss]

[is-it-heaven-is-it-hell]

at this weird stage in my life state where im self aware abt my issues but i haven’t accepted change yet. i know what i do is wrong and how fucked up it is, i just happen to not care about that right now. it makes it difficult to relate cause i know i can get better, everyone can. this is just me being rebellious or sum shit. i’m mad at ppl that want me to get better. i want to feel accepted for the mess i am but instead i feel like i have to sanitize my emotions and act stable enough otherwise im gonna lose everything and the truth is just that. i am not well but i have to keep that hidden and that upsets me sometimes. it makes feel like ppl will only love to a certain extent. no one wants to deal with a person that’s constantly complaining abt their problems but also refuses to do anything about it and act like it’s not up to them to change their life. i want to be honest, i want to feel close to people but i fear their response is just gonna be that i should go to therapy. which i know, i fucking know i should but it feels dismissive. i want to tell you how i feel not cause i want you to fix me but so you can understand me. i seek relatability and understanding n acceptance so fucking badly. i worry my problems aren’t real if no one can understand them. i feel like im just making shit up.

[is-it-heaven-is-it-hell]

i apologize for my existence.

i have spent my life showing nothing but kindness towards others, its something i enjoy and i also something thought it would make people want to be my friend or at the very least leave a good impression with them. now ive started wondering if the issue isnt my lack of kindness but more so just me. i like to believe i am an authentically kind person… most of the time. but maybe people don’t care about that.

i was always told im too rude and too unpleasant for ppl to like me. most people did treat me like that and at first i didn’t understand. i was a shy and quiet kid and i didn’t speak unless spoken to. i never gossiped nor made snarky comments or took up a rude tone so i knew that me talking wasn’t the problem. it was only when i had gotten significant amount of the same questions did i realize that people thought i looked angry. that every glance and stare i gave was received as cold or like i wanted to bite their arm off and my anxiety was misinterpreted as me being rude. i was quite taken back to learn this but i guess i could see what they were talking about. so i tried to change my demeanor to not come off as cold and angry.

i worked on breaking my walls down a bit and sorting out my anxiety so smiling at someone didn’t feel like like i was giving them permission to stab me. eventually i became softer, still shy but i could speak up more, a bit more animated and was easier going. i learned that i actually liked being more relaxed, that it didn’t feel like i had just put a target on my back. and people seemed to be kinder as well, they’d engage in more conversation and it felt great. i thought i fixed the problem, but the longer i got comfortable into my new role that more i realized that it presented the same issues yet somehow worse. i didn’t gain more friendships or any sort of relationship and i didn’t seem to very memorable to people as i would have to reintroduce myself often or just pretend this was our first meeting to hide the embarrassment and pain. i still felt like i stood on outside of the bubble around everyone, like i was watching a movie and i could see them, the characters, but they couldn’t see me, the audience. i had finally started displaying some of my personality and it just made me feel like they’d smiled at me and id smile back only to realize they weren’t smiling at all me but instead at the person behind me. i felt like glass, completely see through, so non-offensive that i left no impression at all, like i was a ghost. im not sure what im supposed to do now and ive slowly stopped caring. at least when i was considered rude i was still considered a person.

[is-it-heaven-is-it-hell]

i’m so glad to have a friend like him but i feel so bad that i can’t be the same type of friend to him :/ like everyone needs a friend like him and he deserves it more than anyone ;(((((

[is-it-heaven-is-it-hell]

As long as you’re not being insufferable to Lestat and Loustat fans it doesn’t matter. There’s a portion of the fandom that just hate-watches the show and makes fandom spaces unnecessary hostile

i truly adore the show, its the best show ive ever seen. one of the reasons i love it is because it takes abuse seriously instead brushing over it just cause they’re vampires. i think its a sign they did their job correctly if people feel indifferent to lestat as well as the other characters. what he did is taken seriously, its only natural for people to feel that way. i understand the love the fandom has for lestat and i dont condemn it and i also understand that we have not seen lestats side of the story but because we lack that information people are gonna feel indifferent towards him but its subject to change.

its a common theme in fandoms to overlook the serious consequences the characters should be held accountable for just cause they like em. not every character you like can have a simple redemption arc so you can feel good about liking them. it minimizes what the show is trying to say if you view it through that lenses. if you cannot love a character and also criticize them that is not my problem.

[saymariso]

[rinrosesarin]

#alotofpeople #crownd (at ร.ร.พระหฤทัยนนทบุรี)

[patriciarammos]

Apaixonadíssima pelo meu black. 💙 50 mil fotos 👯‍♂️ 50 mil poses 👯‍♂️ Essa pose nem é tão boa, mas é. Ou não. 🤷🏿‍♀️ Do you understand me? 💁🏿 It's my 👑 It's me I love me. ♥️ . . #crown #crownd #minhacoroa #coroa #meublackpower #meublacképower #meublack #pracima #meucabelocrescepracima #preta #negra #preta (em Waikiki, Hawaii)