i am sorry for ventposting so much, but i am like just. tired, of everything happening around me. and especially yapping about this during pride month, but yeah. i don't have anyone to talk to about this, haven't been given a therapy appointment yet haha. anyway.
i calculated everything last year, and if things had gone right, i could've started hrt this month. but the psychiatrist declined giving me a diagnosis because i am not binary enough and this is the best doctor they say we have in my country, well fuck her. and i can only go back in september.
i am not out publicly, just to friends and some family, i am perceived as a woman no matter how i look and i can't change that. i lost the people from around me who i thought understood because they're like me, but even one of those people sometimes made me feel invalidated on purpose, despite being my beacon of light for two years.
i have a genderfluid friend but we don't really talk about these things much and i appreciate them a lot, but our experiences are very different and i can't confide in them often. my friends try, but they still get my name wrong, they still misgender me in subtle ways, i know they'll never see me as a man or only if i look like what they perceive as a man.
i am tired of correcting people, i am tired of my identity being taken as a joke, i am tired of getting hurt, i miss having trans people around me, i miss having a community i never really had. i am grateful for the people now not in my life, because they're the reason i finally chose a name and finally started standing up for myself more. but i feel so alone and dysphoria is unbearable most days.
so this pride month i vow to myself that I'll stand up for myself more often, I'll demand respect, I'll correct people no matter how bad i feel, I'll put this first because i shouldn't be questioned and i shouldn't have to endure this, respecting my fucking being shouldn't have to be an effort.
and if you're going through something similar, know that we are seen by eachother here, know we are connected even through space. and we will get to the place we want, no matter how long it takes.
