do you have any examples of/advice about those relational needs discussions you mentioned in your answer to the anon asking about therapy alternatives? that’s such a fantastic idea, but i don’t think i’d know how to even begin to structure that kind of talk. thank you! :)
yes! to begin, i really recommend dedicating some time to play some kind of conversation game, or q/a convo. you can get a lot of conversation cards of different styles and genres to start the process, but what i've done with some people is also just keep a list of things you want to ask them about or topics to try. these can be completely random and as silly as you want. often, they can lead to an opportunity to talk about a need or boundary, and can feel less awkward than asking directly.
it can also help to start with a quiz. it's super corny, but taking something like the love language test together and sharing your results can flow naturally in a conversation about what you're capable of providing for / need from each other. the way myself and my lov/qpp @estuarry went about this as teenagers (not knowing what this was, just kinda Feeling It Out) was taking mbti tests and talking about astrology. having a predefined list of characteristics that you might identify with can make it easier to be honest and precise about what you need. saying, like, "i'm really an introvert" means/meant a way to communicate: "when i need time away from you/everyone, it means i'm resting - i love you / don't disturb me rn". the result might be something about not expecting long visits/phone calls, or visiting with each other less frequently.
i tell most of my close friends and partners, and put in all boundaries agreements, that i'll always read and respond to their texts in full, but it will almost certainly take a while. there's only like 4 people on earth who could call/text whenever and always have me pick up. i say, "i can't be around all that noise, i can't go to your party." when i'm staying in someone's house for the first time, i might say that i need to sleep in a different bed. another common one is when people tell their partners where and where not to touch - the conversation might be me saying, you can touch my chest, ask about this part, but don't touch this part.
these documents (verbal or textual!) are going to grow as people/relationships do, and will be pieced out throughout your time together. but you can def start by finding some outside way of organizing your knowledge about each other!
