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CSJJ Day 24: The End of Fear Is Where We Begin

A/N: Here she is, folks! My (not so little) contribution to this year’s CS January Joy. First, several thank you’s: to the mods over at @csjanuaryjoy for hosting the event and allowing me to interact with some pretty spectacular people. Speaking of which, a massive shoutout to everyone I’ve had the pleasure of meeting through the JJ Discord chat; I’ve so enjoyed making new fandom friends and having the most random conversations that never fail to make my day. Third, much love to @wellhellotragic and @ultraluckycatnd for beta duties and helping me come up with an end result I’m super proud of. You’re all fantastic humans.

Summary: Consumed by grief after the deaths of his brother and fiancée, Killian Jones has spent the past three years on the verge of being a recluse until a late night encounter with his next door neighbor and her dog changes his life in ways he didn’t think were possible.

Rated T |no major TW’s, although some excessive drinking and discussion about death

AO3

Killian Jones considered himself to be a lot of things. A Brit, for one; that fact was made obvious by both his accent and his habitual use of phrases such as “rubbish,” “knackered,” and “car park” despite having lived in the States for over three years. A professor who spent most of his afternoons during the week lecturing freshmen and sophomores on British lit during the twentieth century. A Sagittarius, although he had no idea what that dictated outside of his date of birth. A borderline alcoholic who often had to force himself away from the bottle when memories of his late brother and fiancée became too much to bear.

But one thing Killian was not, was an animal person.

Don’t get him wrong, he had no desire to see an animal hurt or hungry. But he’d never been the kind of person who always wanted to have a pet or to fawn over other people’s (when he spent time with other people, that is.) He just didn’t see the appeal in having a companion around who couldn’t fend for themselves and had to be taken care of on a regular basis. Maybe that had something to do with the fact that his father hadn’t allowed pets when he and his brother were growing up, and even if they wanted one, they wouldn’t have been able to afford it after he and Liam were on their own.

He could tell that his neighbor, however, did not share his feelings on animals. Killian had actually never met the woman who lived in the apartment next to his in the six months since she’d moved in, aside from briefly glimpsing her one night when he was struggling to unlock his door after a few too many drinks and she’d stuck her head out to see what all the noise was about just as he stepped in and shut the door behind him. But the signs were there all the same: a mat in front of her door that read “Hope You Like Dogs,” the presence of paw prints all over the ground outside whenever it rained or snowed, and the high pitched barking he heard when there was any kind of noise or commotion out in the hallway. Whoever this woman was, her dog desired to keep her well protected.

But she, like most of the people Killian was surrounded by on a regular basis, remained a mystery to him, one he never tried to crack or even look into if it required any type of interaction on his part. The isolation had started after Liam’s passing, but increased drastically after he lost Milah a year and a half later. The friend groups and social gatherings he’d once found enjoyable soon became painful reminders of everything he’d lost, memories of their presence around old friends and at the local pubs they frequented the most no longer tolerable. It was the biggest motivation behind his leaving everything in London behind and moving across the pond less than two months after Milah’s death. He’d found himself in Boston in a small apartment big enough for him and his books, where he still remained.

His primary interactions in the three years since had been limited to his colleagues and students at the university (and only in the moments when his job required it) and the bartender at a local pub who now prepared his preferred rum as soon as he walked in the door and placed it in front of him without comment. Killian was more than aware that his existence had turned into a depressing one, but he often lacked the desire or motivation to make any changes. Making new friends was a foreign concept to him now, as was dating; even if he felt comfortable with the idea of being with someone who wasn’t Milah, he wouldn’t know what to say to a woman over dinner or drinks now if his life depended on it. Which is why he kept to himself in the apartment, leaving mostly just for his weekly lectures, trips to the store, and visits to the bar that he made a slight effort to minimize now and then. It was better that way- at least, that’s what he told himself on nights when the loneliness began to make its way back in. It was better he keep from burdening anyone else with his grief and evident lack of current social skills thanks to everything he’d lost.

It was New Year's Eve that threw a wrench into his life and made a bigger change than he ever could have bargained for. Killian arrived home from the bar in an Uber just after two, not quite plastered but not sober enough to trust himself behind the wheel. He dragged himself up the stairs and to his door, and, as he did on many nights like this, struggled to tell which key was the right one. It shouldn’t have been hard considering there were only a handful on his keyring, but they all looked alike and he never remembered to mark this one with something to identify it from the rest.

He was on his third try, mumbling something about the “damn bloody keys” when the door next to his opened and out popped his neighbor, wearing pajamas and square-rimmed glasses, blonde hair pulled into a knot on top of her head.

“Everything all right out here?” she asked, green eyes shining with emotion. Whether it was anger or concern would have to be reassessed when he was sober.

His reply was cut off by a loud bark coming from inside her apartment. “I don’t think I’m the one you should be asking that question to, lass.”

She ducked back into the apartment and came back with a still barking dog squirming in her arms. “Sorry about that. You were kind of making a lot of noise, and Wills doesn’t get that not everyone who breathes out here isn’t out to get us.” The dog, Wills, he presumed, was on the small side, more so stature than in weight. His fur was a golden blonde color a few shades darker than his owner’s. It looked at Killian incredulously as if assessing whether he could be trusted. “It’s just Killian. You can calm down,” she told it, scratching the fur behind his pointed ears.

“Pardon me, but how exactly do you know my name?”

“Your mail has ended up in my box a few times, and there’s only been one marked as K. Jones when I’ve gone to put it in the right box.”

“Oh. Erm, that’s very nice of you, Miss, um…” he trailed off, feeling somewhat embarrassed that this woman knew his name and he didn’t have the slightest hint of hers.

“Emma Swan. And this is Wills.” She shifted the dog to one arm and held her free hand out to him. Killian took it awkwardly, letting go after what seemed appropriate only for the dog- Wills, he supposed- to start licking his hand excitedly. The odd feeling of the dog’s cold tongue on his hand caught him off guard and he stepped back, pulling his hand away and wiping it dry against his jeans.

“Chill out, kiddo. Not everyone’s as affectionate as you are,” Emma said to the dog, who then began licking her cheek with the same fervor. “I’m sorry,” she told Killian, “he loves people and tends to get a bit carried away when he’s excited.”

The random affection from his neighbor’s dog was more personal than any interaction he’d had in years, not to mention whatever kind of conversation he was having with her. “Yes, well, if you’d excuse me, I’d best be turning in.” He turned back to his door, and, after finally selecting the right key, disappeared into his apartment without another word to Emma Swan.

Killian woke the next morning with an awful hangover and an inkling that his neighbor and her dog were not his biggest fans. He couldn’t say he blamed them.

His next semester of classes began without preamble, welcoming new groups of students that were either excited for the course materials, or couldn’t care less; he’d guessed that there were few in between. He spent the first week going over the syllabus, trying to familiarize himself with the new faces, and telling annoyed students in his eight a.m. lecture class that yes, they would have to come to class in the morning to receive attendance credit. (It was tempting to tell them he didn’t bloody like the chosen class time any more than they did.) Emma and Wills Swan were seldom on his mind in the midst of the chaos, although he still heard the barking now and then through their thin walls and often felt a sudden pang of guilt he couldn’t explain.

The start of February and the latest snowfall caused his next run in with Emma and her dog. The snow had just began when Killian left for his morning lecture, but had increased in severity so much over the next few hours that all remaining classes were cancelled by the university, sending him back home instead of to his one-thirty class. He was walking up to his building when he heard what had to be paws on the snow and turned to see Emma and Wills, the latter of whom was wearing a bright red harness attached to a leash that Emma struggled to hang on to as he ran up to Killian.

“You know, not everyone likes to sporadically run as much as you do,” Emma said, the dog panting as he hopped up on his hind legs and used his front paws to brace himself on Killian’s knees, a grin on his face. Was Killian supposed to pet him, he wondered? He didn’t think he’d pet a dog since he was a child.

“Wills, get off of him!” Emma tugged on the dog’s leash and he hopped off of Killian, only to jump right back up again leaving faint wet paw prints he could feel through the fabric of his trousers. “I’m sorry,” she apologized to Killian. “The snow has him excited.”

Killian had multiple reasons to be annoyed: he was far from an animal fiend, but the knees of his trousers were slightly damp and dirty now, and all he wanted was to be up in his flat with a hot cup of tea and the book he was reading, not outside in the snow talking to this woman he barely knew. But, to his surprise, he wasn’t. Wills seemed to be decent enough, his clothes would need to be washed anyway, and the book would still be waiting for him if it took a few minutes longer to get up to his apartment. “It’s all right, Swan.” He reached down and stroked Wills between its ears like he’d seen Emma do that night in the hallway. The dog sighed appreciatively and licked Killian’s hand before jumping down and returning to her.

He’d almost forgotten about the weather until snow began to fall again as the wind speed increased. “I guess we should get inside if we don’t want to get blown away.” Emma laughed and pulled the white beanie she was wearing farther down over her ears.

“Aye. That would be most unfortunate.” Killian held the front door open for Emma and Wills who followed him up the stairs to their floor.

“I should have known living in a complex with no elevator was a bad idea with a dog,” she muttered on the second floor. “Wills makes me get in more than enough exercise as is.”

Killian contemplated what to say in response. Should he joke that the dog wanted to make sure she stayed in shape? No, that might come across as him insinuating that she needed to stay in shape. Something told him Emma might not react well to that.

She must have taken his silence as disinterest because she didn’t speak again until they’d come to the doors of their respective apartments. Had he become so antisocial that he was incapable of having a normal conversation with a woman?

“Uh, take care, Swan,” he tried as a last minute effort to patch up things as she unlocked her door.

Emma gave him the slightest hint of a smile. He took that to be a good sign. “You too. Hey, there’s a bunch of leftover pizza in my fridge from a work thing yesterday if you don’t have anything to do for dinner tonight. It’ll take me forever to eat by myself, and this guy can’t have any, despite how much he wants it.”

Killian couldn’t recall the last time someone had invited him to, well, anything. Sure, he’d gotten occasional dinner invitations from colleagues and a few people in their apartment building when he’d first come to Boston, but these invitations stopped coming as soon as people understood that the chances of him accepting were slim. Perhaps saying yes to Emma’s offer wouldn’t be a horrible idea. It wasn’t as if he had prior plans for his own dinner and one night away from his book on the couch for a few hours wouldn’t be the end of the world.

It had been so long since he’d been alone with anyone for an extended period of time, though. He had no idea how to talk to someone like Emma Swan, even in the most platonic of circumstances. She didn’t need Killian and his antisocial tendencies making things awkward between them.

Emma took his silence as a rejection. “Or not. Don’t feel like you have to or anything; it was just an offer.” She unlocked her door and slipped inside the apartment with Wills as Killian watched, wondering how he’d become so far gone.

He spent the better part of the afternoon on the couch with his book, just as he’d intended, but stuck on reading the same sentence over and over as he recalled the earlier moment in the hall with Emma. He’d blown it with her. She probably thought her neighbor was rude and antisocial. Maybe he could work up the nerve to show her she was wrong on the former if nothing else.

Tossing his book to the side, Killian got up and left before he lost his nerve. He stood in front of Emma’s door and took a deep breath before knocking on the paneled wood. There were no sounds coming from inside. Maybe, he considered with a pang of disappointment, she wasn’t home thinking he wasn’t interested in her offer and had decided to brave the weather. But then he heard a familiar bark and paws scratching up against the door.

“Oh, Killian,” Emma gasped when she answered the door. She looked much like she did on the night they met- glasses, plaid pajamas, hair pulled up and out of her face.

“Uh, hello, love. I was wondering if that offer of yours from earlier still stands?”

“Of course. Come on in.”

Her apartment, not surprisingly, was laid out much like his own, same foyer, kitchen, living room, hallway to the bedroom and bathroom back and to the left instead of the right. There were few similarities elsewhere. His rooms were neat and pristine, every coffee mug and book in its designated place. Here, there were shoes by the couch, hair ties on the coffee table, Emma’s red leather jacket thrown over the back of a kitchen chair, and dog toys scattered on the floor. It wasn’t messy, per se. It looked like a place that was actually lived in and enjoyed.

“Ignore the mess,” Emma said, noticing his eyes wandering. “I try to keep things neat, but I’m not exactly the tidiest person ever and it’s been a busy few days.”

“No worries, love.”

She opened the refrigerator and pulled out a cardboard box with a logo he vaguely recognized from a local pizza parlor a few blocks from their building. “I have cheese, ground beef, and some weird supreme thing with mushrooms and olives that coworkers sent with me despite knowing I wouldn’t touch it with a ten foot pole.”

He realized a moment too late that he was probably supposed to laugh at that remark. “Uh, anything’s fine love. I don’t mind mushrooms myself.”

She wrinkled her nose. “In that case, have all you want.” She turned on the oven and placed the pizza box on the top rack to be heated. “Make yourself at home,” she told him, gesturing to the living room. “This should only take a couple of minutes.”

Killian took a seat on the couch, feeling awkward. Wills, who had been trailing Emma around the kitchen, darted into the room and jumped up next to him. He rolled over onto his back and rested his head on Killian’s lap.

“He’s a big baby,” Emma called from the kitchen. “Feel free to move him if you want, but there’s probably gonna be dog hair on your clothes just from stepping into the apartment at this rate.” Sure enough, Killian noticed a few stray white hairs on his jeans and the ends of his shirt sleeves. He wasn’t thrilled about it by any means, but it was tolerable.

Wills stared up at him with his big brown eyes, looking unsatisfied with Killian’s lack of affection. He’d seemed to like being pet when they were outside earlier, he remembered.

“Okay, pizza’s done!” Emma sat down on the other end of the couch with the pizza box and a stack of paper plates and napkins. “Sorry, dude,” she told Wills as he caught a whiff of the pizza and looked at her with what could only be called longing. “You can’t join in.” Seeming to understand, the dog jumped down and went to his small bed over by Emma’s TV, where he curled up and went to sleep.

“So.” Emma grabbed a slice of cheese pizza and curled up into the corner of the couch. “Tell me something about yourself. All I’ve been able to gather so far is that you’re clearly not from around here.”

“Er, there’s not a lot to tell.” It had been so long since he’d had a reason to talk about himself. “I moved to Boston from England three years ago. I teach British lit at the university. Not much of a people person, honestly,” he admitted, “but you might have gathered that by now.”

She nodded. “I got the feeling the night I met you in the hallway. That’s okay though. Some people just suck.”

“Aye.” Or just talking to people at all is more of a struggle than it’s worth. Something told him not to add that. “And what of you, Swan?” He wasn’t so far removed socially that he’d forgotten you were supposed to ask those kinds of questions back. All that he knew about Emma was limited to the dog sleeping in the corner.

“I work in bail bonds. Tracking down people who’ve skipped bail and dragging them back to court,” she explained in between bites of cheese and pizza crust. “Or to jail, depending on how much trouble they give me. I got a black eye just before Christmas from a guy who was trying to get out of paying child support.”

“Sounds like a bloody prat,” he muttered, earning him a laugh from Emma.

“I’m not entirely sure what that means, but judging by your tone of voice, I have to agree.” She told him a few similar stories about people she’d dealt with in her line of work as they finished what was left of the pizza. Killian was grateful she was willing to lead the conversation, keeping him from having to more than sit back and listen. The things she dealt with in bail bonds made his job seem much simpler.

As if he knew they had finished eating, Wills darted across the room and back onto the couch, planting himself on Killian’s lap.

“I think someone likes you.”

“He’s...nice.” There wasn’t much else he knew to say about a dog. He wasn’t quite sure what to do with him either. “What kind is he?”

“He’s a chihuahua and corgi mix. Do you have any pets?”

“No.”

An awkward silence set in, Emma likely interpreting his apprehension for disinterest again. He was quite interested, but not knowing what to say to her made things complicated. This was the most time he’d spent with a woman, colleague or otherwise, since Milah. He could still vividly remember the last day they’d spent together before her accident, cooking one of her favorite pasta dishes together in his flat and falling asleep together on the couch halfway through The Matrix.

The memory made his heart sink. He’d spent enough time with Emma Swan for today, “It’s getting a bit late,” he said. It wasn’t even six o’clock. “I suppose I should get going.”

She held out her arms for Wills. He jumped up and moved to her lap, saving Killian from the dilemma of how best to move him from his own. “Thanks for dinner, love.” He stood and gave her what he hoped looked like a smile.

“Don’t mention it.” Emma got to her feet as well, the dog curled up like an infant in her arms. “I’m glad the pizza didn’t go to waste. Maybe we’ll see you again soon?” Wills’ ears shot up at the suggestion. “I guess that’s his way of saying he wants to see more of you.”

“Perhaps.” Or perhaps not if memories of his lost love were going to resurface again when he spent time with her again. “Goodnight, Swan.” He saw himself out without listening for her response.

Killian threw himself back into his routine with unusual fervor over the next few weeks, planning lectures out weeks in advance and grading assignments as soon as they were in his hands. He’d gone without running into Emma and her dog since the night in her apartment, and as terrible as he felt about it, he was relieved. He couldn’t think about either of them for long without his thoughts heading in a downward spiral he didn’t have the emotional strength to conquer.

Things seemed to be looking up (as much as they could, anyway), until the one day in March he’d grown to dread more every year. He cancelled both of his lectures, sending students an email stating he was under the weather, and spent the day the same way he always did: alone, replaying that awful phone call on repeat until five, which, for some reason, was the time he deemed acceptable to give in and head for the bar. Rum wouldn’t make him forget the pain, nothing could, but it usually dulled the sting enough to get him through the night in one piece.

“Usually” being the key word. Killian wasn’t sure how much he’d had to drink, but it should have been long enough to at least distort the words of the naval officer who’d called him that night: I’m so sorry. There’s been an accident. Lieutenant Jones didn’t make it. Tonight, he remembered every word as if he’d just heard them for the first time.

The sentence was running through his mind for what had to be the hundredth time when something hit his left shoulder. Killian turned to see a man stumble into the bar stool beside him. “Sorry about that,” he apologized. “Guess I’ve had more to drink than I thought.”

“Perhaps you should be more careful about what you’re doing then,” Killian spat. He was in no mood to deal with the bloke or his excuses.

The guy shot him a dirty look. “Dude, I said I was sorry. No need to be an asshole about it.”

“What did you just say to me?” Killian clenched his jaw and felt his hand ball up into a fist. He didn’t realize what he was about to do until he felt someone grabbing him by his raised arm and yanking him back. It was the bartender, who’d come around the counter to stop him.

“You don’t want to do this, mate.” Killian realized for as long as he’d been coming to the bar that he’d never taken the time to learn the man’s name, odd since he was the first fellow Brit he’d come across in Boston, although he vaguely recalled hearing someone refer to him as Robin before. “Trust me, the wanker isn’t worth spending your night in a jail cell for.”

He nodded, shame and regret both getting to him almost as much as the rum. “Apologies. I think it’s time for me to leave.”

“Good idea. I’ll call you a cab if you’d like.”

“Please.” As Robin left, Killian turned to look for the guy he’d almost taken out, but he’d disappeared. It was probably for the best; he doubted he would have taken Killian’s apology well considering how the almost fight had started in the first place.

He all but stumbled into the cab when it arrived, thinking he should have left Robin a bigger tip for the incident he’d caused. The bartender, however, was soon forgotten. Liam would have been ashamed of him - getting worked up over something inconsequential and almost harming another person because of his anger. In truth, his brother would be ashamed over quite a few things in Killian’s life. Liam was full of life, the guy who had many friends and was constantly going out of his way to do things for other people. He wouldn’t have stood for the borderline recluse Killian had allowed himself to become over the past few years.

By the time the cab pulled up to his apartment building, Killian felt sick, and it wasn’t because of the alcohol. He tossed the driver a handful of bills, not caring if it was more than his fee, and dragged himself up the stairs to the third floor. It was when he got to his front door and pulled out his keys he realized he’d never marked them after the last time so he’d know which one was for the apartment.

Liam wouldn’t have had this issue. The thought was all it took for him to let out a loud string of obscenities and hurl his keys at the door. They hit the wood with a loud thunk. Drunk or not, he shouldn’t have been surprised by the barking coming from Emma’s flat next door.

“Bloody hell,” he muttered, bending down to pick up his keys. He needed to unlock the door and get inside before Emma came out and found him like this.

Killian was trying the first key when he heard a door open and saw a familiar blonde head out of the corner of his eye.

“Hey. Everything alright?”

“‘M fine.” He didn’t look up from the door handle. The second key was no use either. “Just a bloody wanker.”

“Killian?” She stepped out into the hall, Wills trailing out behind her. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I told you, I’m fine.”

Emma frowned and folded her arms over her chest. “I know when someone is lying to me, Killian. It may very well be none of my business, but yelling and throwing your keys at the door doesn’t sound like “fine” to me.”

Even drunk, he couldn’t help but notice she was wearing the same pajamas as the night they met in the very same place. They barely knew each other, he reminded himself. But he needed to tell someone, anyone; he’d kept it to himself for so long now.

“He’s gone,” Killian whispered, his voice breaking.

Her facial expression softened. “Hey. Who’s gone, Killian? Is there something I can do?”

“There’s nothing to do! My brother’s gone and I can’t do this without him. It gets worse every year. But it’s not supposed to happen like that, is it? Isn’t it supposed to get easier over time?” Killian wasn’t sure what he was saying now. “But it’s been three years without both of them and none of it’s easier. I can’t even unlock my own bloody door.” Tears welled up in his eyes but he blinked them away before Emma noticed.

There was a long moment of silence. She put a hand on his shoulder. “Why don’t you come over to my place for a bit? I’ll help you unlock your door later, but I think you could use a different kind of drink for now.”

All Killian wanted was to crawl into bed and forget any of this had happened. But he nodded and followed her into the apartment. “Sit,” she insisted, pointing to her couch. “I’m pretty sure there’s a bag of decaf around her somewhere.”

He lowered himself onto the couch and didn’t object as Wills trotted over and took a seat in his lap once again. He soon found himself rubbing the dog’s back the way he’d seen Emma do before. Wills gave a contented sigh and curled up tighter against him. It was how Emma found them when she came into the living room holding two steaming mugs with a bottle of cream and a box of sugar packets tucked under her arm. “I didn’t know if you liked cream or sugar in your coffee, so I brought both.”

“Both is good.” He drank it black in the mornings, but the extra calories surely wouldn’t hurt him after everything else tonight. After adding enough cream and sugar for his liking, he took a long sip of the drink, not caring if it burnt his tongue. “Thank you, love.”

“Don’t mention it. I think the concept of coffee sobering you up is a myth, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to try anyway.”

They sat in silence drinking their coffee, Killian continuing to pet Wills without thinking much of it, until Emma must have felt it safe to broach the reason for his outburst in the hall. “Did you wanna talk about any of it?” she asked. “Y’know, the stuff you mentioned earlier. If you don’t, that’s fine,” she added when he didn’t respond. “Just thought I’d offer.”

“I suppose I should.” He gulped. “Today is the anniversary of my brother Liam’s death. I rarely spend it sober.”

“I’m so sorry, Killian. How did it happen?”

“He was in the Navy. There was an accident; something about the ship he was on colliding with an oil tanker.” Picturing the scene was always the worst part. “I’m not sure about a lot of the specifics. I really didn’t want to know more than necessary.”

Emma nodded. “That’s understandable. I can tell he meant a lot to you.”

“Aye. Our mother died when we were young, and father bolted as soon as Liam turned eighteen and could take responsibility for me, so he was the only parent I had for most of my childhood.”

“Tell me about him. What was he like? What were his interests?”

Killian told her everything. How Liam never parted his hair correctly, how he liked to dip his pizza in wing sauce, about the time he followed Killian to the movies on his first date and attempted to hide a few rows behind him wearing sunglasses and a rain hat. He wasn’t sure if it was the rum or his pent up loneliness that caused him to pour his heart out so freely, but he had no qualms with telling Emma everything there was to know about his brother.

“It sounds like he really looked out for you,” she said once she’d stopped laughing over the date story. “That’s what big brothers are supposed to do.”

He nodded. “Liam was an insufferable arse some days, but he always wanted what was best for me.”

“Can I ask you something?” she asked after a moment.

“I don’t see why not.”

“Out in the hall, you said something about being without both of them. Was there someone else too?”

Killian had forgotten about that. Despite everything else he’d shared, that was one subject he wasn’t ready to delve into. “Aye, there was. But I’m not sure I feel up for discussing her tonight.”

“That’s okay. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable by mentioning it.”

“No apologies needed. Although I feel as if I owe you one for interrupting your evening.”

“Yeah,” Emma scoffed, “you really threw a wrench in my watching TV on the couch with Wills. Seriously, it’s fine.” Hearing his name, the dog sat up from Killian’s lap and wagged his tail, barely missing his coffee cup. He had to admit he found himself warming up to Wills the more time he spent around him. He was still far from an animal fanatic, but he had grown to see the appeal of having a pet around for company.

“I suppose it’s time I turn in for the night.” Killian wasn’t looking for an excuse to leave this time. He could feel his eyes growing heavy and knew he needed to sleep before dealing with the inevitable hangover he’d be nursing tomorrow.

“You sure? You’re more than welcome to stay a bit longer if you want.”

He shook his head and quickly drained the last of his coffee. “I’m afraid not.” The dog moved from his lap as they both stood and she took his empty mug. “I can’t thank you enough, love. Not just for this,” he gestured to the coffee, “but for allowing me to, well, vent. It’s been so long since I spoke to anyone about my brother.”

“I’m honored you felt comfortable enough to tell me about him. Feel free to come back anytime you need to talk again, or just want some company. The fur child and I would be glad to have you.” Wills rubbed his head against the side of Killian’s leg as if showing he agreed.

“I may have to consider that.” He took her free hand and brought it to his lips briefly before letting go. “Goodnight, love. And Wills,” he added, smiling down at the dog.

“‘Night, Killian.”

He successfully unlocked his apartment door on the first try.

When Killian awoke the next morning, it was with the hangover he’d expected, but also with the feeling that a weight had been lifted off of his chest. He knew it was because of Emma, or rather what she’d done for him. He wasn’t naive enough to think another person could come in and solve his problems, but maybe she could steer him in the right direction to do so himself.

He returned to work feeling better about his job than he had in months. Instead of bolting for the door the minute he finished a lecture, he was willing to stay behind and answer questions from students and even found himself making small talk with a few colleagues at the next department meeting. It felt strange trying to create a space for himself in that environment after keeping to himself for so long, but he also knew Liam and Milah wouldn’t want him living the same as he had been since he’d lost them. Something told him Emma would agree.

There was a knock at his door on a Saturday morning a few weeks later. The sound caught Killian off guard; it was rare that anyone came by his apartment unless it was the landlord, who called before his visits.

“Hello, Swan.” Emma stood at his door dressed in leggings and her red leather jacket, along with Wills on his harness and leash.

“Hey. I thought I’d take this guy for a walk since it’s nice outside today.” Wills began to pant, showing his approval. “I didn’t know if you’d be interested in joining us? If you’re busy, that’s fine, I know it’s last minute but-”

“No!” he interrupted. “I’d like nothing more. Give me just a moment to find my coat and shoes.” Thankfully he was already dressed, wearing his favorite jeans and a navy henley that Milah liked because it brought out the blue in his eyes. He tried not to dwell much on that last bit.

“All right, love.” He was back at his door five minutes later, double checking that it was locked before pulling it closed behind him. “Lead the way.”

He followed her down the stairs and out the door to their building. “There’s a park nearby with a place for dogs that Wills really likes,” she told him when they were outside. “Figured I’d let him run around there for awhile if you don’t mind.”

“Not at all. Sounds quite nice, actually.” In truth, Killian found himself so elated at the prospect of not spending yet another Saturday holed up in his apartment. That wasn’t to say he was becoming a social butterfly by any means, but taking advantage of Emma’s invitation wasn’t going to do him any harm.

And, he found himself thinking as they sat together on a bench in the park and watched Wills run around a playground made just for dogs, he liked spending time with her. A lot. The idea scared him for multiple reasons. For one, there were moments he wasn’t sure if he’d moved on from Milah. Even after so much time, he’d think about a memory of them together or see an advertisement from a band or show she liked and be hit with a wave of grief all over again.

Killian also couldn’t help but contemplate whether whatever it was he was growing to feel for Emma Swan was more so to do with her specifically or the fact that he hadn’t spent time like this with a woman since Milah. He liked to think it was the former. Emma was funny, kind, thoughtful, and, one thing he couldn’t ignore, beautiful. If he were being honest, he’d noticed it to some degree when they’d first met. But it was then, sitting on that park bench watching her laugh at Wills chase his own tail in circles that he got a glimpse of how stunning she truly was, blonde curls reflecting the sunlight and green eyes so vibrant and full of life. There were a few times he noticed her watching him with a look in her eyes he couldn’t describe, but he chalked it up to his imagination running away with him.

They spent most of the afternoon at the park and then at a local ice cream parlor Emma frequented because they made special treats for dogs.

“Thanks for coming with us,” she told Killian as they ate their ice cream cones on the walk back to their building, Wills long since having finished his own. “It’s mostly been just the two of us since my brother and his wife had a baby and don’t have much free time anymore. So the company is nice.”

“I’m the one who should be thanking you for the invitation, Swan. You’ve actually done quite a bit for my social life as of late. I mean it, love,” he continued when she raised her eyebrows quizzically. “I’ll spare you another heavy conversation about my past for now, but let’s just say the majority of my social interactions over the past few years have been limited to explaining the themes in Lord of the Flies to bored students.”

Emma pursed her lips as if carefully considering her response. “I understand. After you’ve been through something traumatic, it’s easier to shut people out - look out for yourself and you’ll never get hurt, right?” She continued without waiting for his reaction. “But, Killian, that’s not much of a life. You and I may not know each other all that well, so I’m sorry in advance if it feels like I’m overstepping boundaries here. But your brother and anyone else you’ve lost would’ve wanted more for you.”

He gave a reluctant nod. “You’re right, Swan. It’s something I’ve given much thought to as time goes on.”

“Oh?” Emma must have thought he’d be upset at her confrontation.

Killian considered going into detail on how she’d inadvertently caused this change of heart, but it all seemed too much for this level of their friendship. (And wasn’t that what they were now? Friends?) “Let’s just say I’m turning over a new leaf. Or trying to, at least.”

Spending Saturday afternoons in the park with Emma and Wills soon became a regular routine. The two of them continued to get to know each other, discussing everything from rom coms to favorite foods and bands they thought were overrated.

“You’re English and you don’t like The Beatles? Isn’t that, like, some kind of heresy?”

“I believe that’s pushing it a bit, love. For one, there’s no list of requirements, and I never said I didn’t like them. I just can’t comprehend the amount of people who would be willing to die for Paul McCartney.”

He was grateful that Emma rarely mentioned his brother or anything else he’d shared that night in her apartment. She’d also never pressed him for more details about Milah, something he also appreciated considering she was always involved when it came to sorting out his feelings for Emma.

The end of the semester came and went, with finals quickly approaching. Killian had spent the past few weeks caught up in grading papers, finalising his exams, and spending time with Emma and Wills that he didn’t take notice of the date on the first Friday in May until that evening.

He’d come home from work, exhausted after giving two exams and a staff meeting with the head of the English department. His phone vibrated as soon as he walked in the door, something that had been a rare occurrence a few months ago. Emma had taken a penchant to sending him different literary memes she found online, today’s being a picture of Bilbo Baggins with a caption that read, “I started walking around without any shoes, and it became sort of a Hobbit.”

Killian laughed and typed out a quick response, pausing when he went back to his home screen and saw the date on his calendar app. “Bloody hell.”

He jumped at the sound of a knock on his door. “Hey,” Emma said when he answered. “I was gonna send you another text, but I heard you come in just now and figured it would be easier to- what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, Swan,” he insisted, trying not to meet her gaze. “Just a long day, that’s all. Now, what were you going to ask?”

Emma gave him a knowing look. “Uh uh. We’ve had this conversation before; you know you can’t lie to me and get away with it. I’m not gonna force you to talk about whatever’s going on if you don’t want to, but don’t even try to tell me everything’s alright when you’ve got that look on your face.”

“What look?”

“The one that makes it seem like you’ve lost your best friend.”

If Killian’s heart had sank when he realized the date, now, it had plummeted. “I suppose you can say I did.”

He watched as Emma’s expression changed from one of irritation to sadness. She took a step closer to him and placed a hand on his arm. “Hey. I still meant what I just said about not forcing you to talk about anything, but if you want to, I’m here.”

He nodded. “I’ll put on the decaf.” It was far from what he really wanted for this conversation, but he had no desire to go back down that road again. In fact, he realized as he turned on the coffee pot and waited for the water to heat, he hadn’t had a drink since that last night at the bar. Not to say there hadn’t been a few times he’d been tempted, such as now, but the regret over what he’d almost done and who he’d allowed himself to become when he drank always won out.

“Where’s our third member?” he asked, entering the living room with two steaming mugs, having added the cream and sugar to Emma’s the way he knew she liked it. It was the first time she’d been in his apartment, he noticed as she took her coffee from him. But anyone else wouldn’t have been able to notice; the way she sat back on the couch and curled her hands around the mug made it look like she’d been here and done this a dozen times before. Maybe that’s what happened when you got to know a person so well.

“At my place. I hadn’t planned on staying, plus I figured you wouldn’t want white fur all over your apartment.”

Killian shrugged. “I’m used to it now. Why don’t you go ahead and bring him over?”

“Sure thing. I know he’ll be excited.”

Excited was an understatement. Minutes later, Wills bounded into the living room and onto his lap. Unlike the first few times, Killian thought nothing of it now, even appreciating the dog’s affection. “Hey there, mate.”

There was a moment of silence as he contemplated how to start this conversation. “Do you, uh-” He forced down the lump in his throat. “Do you remember the night I told you about my brother? When you asked if I’d lost someone else?” Emma nodded. “I did. Her name was Milah. She was my, well, my everything. We met not long after Liam passed. I was struggling just to get through any given day without him, but she helped pull me out of that and reminded me what it felt like to live again.”

“I can tell she meant a lot to you.”

“Aye.” He quickly went through the story of how they met in a pub, she celebrating a divorce that had been a long time coming, him trying to numb the pain of Liam’s death. A night that could have ended in disaster led to falling in love. Their happiness lasted just over a year, until she was the only victim of a fatal car accident. One that happened less than a month after he’d proposed.

“Oh, Killian.”

“I hadn’t realized it was her birthday until just awhile ago. I always made a big deal out of the day, and she loved it, then I went and bloody forgot for the first time.”

“Killian, losing track of what day it is doesn’t make you a bad person or insinuate that you loved her any less. If anything, I think it means that you’re trying to move on, and she would have wanted that for you too.”

“Aye. It’s just that for so long, moving on seemed impossible, and taking a step in that direction feels…”

“Weird?” she finished for him.

“That’s putting it lightly.” Betrayal was more like it.

“Yeah, I’d suspect that’s normal. I’m really proud of you though.”

That was unexpected to say the least. “Aye? For what?”

“When you and I met on New Year’s Eve, you were drunk off your ass and hardly ever seemed to leave your apartment or speak to anyone. I can tell you’ve tried to change all of those things over the past few months, and that’s not easy. So, yeah, I’m pretty damn proud of you, and you should be too.”

It was odd, he thought later after they’d left and he’d started getting ready for bed, how Emma attributed so many of the changes in his life to his efforts alone. And while he’d certainly tried to do things differently, her own involvement was not to be ignored. So many things about her had changed him for the better.

Killian had an enlightening thought just before he fell asleep: befriending Emma Swan was without a doubt one of the best things he’d ever done.

As he thought on it though, he considered the idea that maybe what he felt for Emma was more than just friendship. He could easily admit that he felt a certain tenderness, but wondered if it was something more, something like affection. But feeling this kind of affection for her? Well, that was going to complicate things.

His friendship with Emma continued as normal as summer began. There were more trips to the park with Wills, dinner and movie nights in each other’s apartments, and a few outings with friends of hers that she’d invited him to meet when she thought he’d be up for it. It felt as if he’d already known David and Mary Margaret for months after hearing so many of Emma’s stories about them and everything they’d done for her over the years. Ruby came on a bit strong at first, but he liked both her and her girlfriend, Belle, as well as Elsa and Anna. He even found tolerating Will Scarlet to be easier than expected after Emma had warned him about the number of questionable things that were possible to come out of his mouth.

One night, their conversation took a different route when Emma let Killian in on her own past. Her childhood was less than pleasant, spending years bouncing around between various group homes until she had been taken in by David’s mother as a teenager. She’d also experienced her fair share of heartache. Her first love had set her up for a crime he was guilty of when she was only seventeen; she’d narrowly avoided a prison sentence because of it. The only other serious relationship she’d been in lasted less than a year when she found out the man had a wife and kids she knew nothing about.

“Please tell me you punched the bloke,” Killian had said after hearing that particular story. He was livid at the idea of anyone having the nerve to treat her so poorly.

“Sadly, no; I was too upset at the time to lash out at him. But he’s bankrupt now and his wife left and took the kids at least.”

“Still not nearly what he deserved.”

As their friendship evolved, so did his feelings for her. With every random meme or message she sent him, every late night conversation, everything that chipped away at both of their walls, he found himself inevitably falling in love. He also still continued to question whether his feelings were one-sided. There were times she would take his hand walking down the street without thinking much about it, hold his gaze longer than normal, or joke around with him in a way that might be considering flirting. There were also the nights when they fell asleep on the couch in the middle of a movie and he’d wake up with Emma’s head on his chest, one hand inside the neck of his shirt and the other over his heart as if she’d placed it there intentionally. He liked to think there was something to be said for these moments other than unintentional habits.

Summer ended just as quickly as it had began, and Killian started preparing for another semester of classes. There wasn’t quite as much on his plate at this time of year in comparison to finals week, but it was enough to keep him preoccupied. The Wednesday before classes began, he was so swamped with meetings and pre-course work that he hadn’t noticed there had been no word from Emma all day. In fact, he hadn’t thought to check his phone at all until it rang around four that afternoon. He normally didn’t answer calls from unfamiliar numbers, but figured it could be something important.

“Killian? It’s David.”

“Hello, mate. Everything all right?”

He could sense David’s hesitation over the phone. “Well, kind of. Emma’s bit in a bit of an accident.”

Killian felt his throat close up as his heart began to pound in his chest. “Is she-” he gulped. “Is she okay? What happened?”

“I’m honestly not sure yet. Her boss just called me; something about a skip getting rough with her. She’s in the ER now. I figured you would want to know.”

“What hospital?” His voice was starting to break.

“I’ll text you the address. It’s not far from the university.”

“Thanks.” Killian hung up and bolted out of his office, disregarding the papers or supplies spread out across the desk. He had more important concerns. Not trusting himself to drive coherently, he called an Uber and gave the driver the hospital address David had sent him.

He was unable to think straight as the car crept through mid afternoon traffic. His mind was going in a dozen different directions, thinking of every possibility. When had this happened and where? Had they apprehended the bloke who did this to her? How serious were her injuries?

Liam and Milah were gone. He couldn’t lose her too- no, he wasn’t going to think like that. Emma had done so much to help him move on; she wouldn’t want him to even consider the possibility.

A number of people were almost knocked down when he bolted through the doors to the emergency room and ran for the front desk. “Can you tell me where Emma Swan is?”

“Are you family?” the receptionist asked, not bothering to take his eyes off of the computer screen in front of him.

“Well, no, but-”

“I’m sorry, sir, but we’re only allowed to disclose a patient’s information to relatives.”

Bloody hell. He should have expected as much.

“Killian!” He let out a sigh of relief when he saw David approaching. “It’s fine; he’s with me,” he told the receptionist. It was a nice gesture from a man he’d only met a handful of times. Perhaps Emma had shared more about their relationship with him than he’d assumed.

He followed David down a hallway of identical looking hospital rooms. “What’s going on? How’s Emma?”

“She’s okay for the most part. A few broken ribs, a black eye, and a couple bruises, but nothing too serious. They wanna keep her overnight just to monitor everything, but she’s already insisting to be discharged.”

That was a good sign- she was being as stubborn and feisty as ever.

“Here we are.” David stopped at an open door on the left. Emma was propped up in bed, wearing a standard hospital gown and white terrycloth robe. She didn’t look quite as bad as he’d prepared himself to see. The black and purple skin around her right eye stood out blatantly against her pale skin, and he could see a bruise peeking out from the sleeve of her robe, but those were the only visible injuries he was able to make out.

Mary Margaret stood by the bed, fluffing out her pillows. “Are you sure there’s nothing you want?”

Emma started to answer but froze when she saw him. “Killian?”

“Hello, love. I hear there’s someone out there who needs his arse kicked.”

She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, and I could’ve done it if he hadn’t caught me at a bad time.”

“Don’t worry, Swan. I know you’ll pay him back for it as soon as you’ve recovered.”

Mary Margaret took that moment to grab her husband by the arm. “David, why don’t we go get Emma something to drink?”

David glanced at the table by the hospital bed. “But she’s already got so-”

“Be back soon!” They were gone before Emma or Killian had a chance to question them.

She pointed to one of the chairs by her bed. “Might as well make yourself comfy.”

“Aye.” He took the one closest to her. “How are you feeling?”

She shrugged. “Okay. Kinda sore. Mostly pissed that the guy got away. He’s been skipping out on paying child support for months, and I thought I finally had him.”

“You’ll get him next time, Swan. I have nothing but confidence in you.” He chuckled. “Plus, I’m sure he knows better than to mess with you now.”

Emma started to laugh too, then winced. “Don’t say anything funny; it hurts too much to laugh. Hey, I thought you were swamped with work this week? Classes start back soon, right?”

“I left as soon as David called and told me what happened. Some things are more important than classes.”

She studied him for a moment, her green eyes pensive. “That was...Thank you, Killian.” She gave him a small smile. It was enough to break him all over again. Who knew the woman he’d lived next door to for months could show up with her dog and change his entire life?

Speaking of which- “Where is Wills at, Swan?”

“Shit!” Emma tried to sit straight up and winced again. “He’s at my place. Great dog mom I am, I hadn’t even thought about him yet. The poor guy is gonna go nuts when I don’t come home tonight.”

“He could stay with me. I know it wouldn’t exactly be the same, but he’s been to my apartment before, and I don’t mind having him there.”

“That would be great. I’ll give you my key before you go. The only things you’ll really need are his bag of dry food, and his leash and harness if he needs to go out.”

Killian nodded. “Doesn’t seem too complicated.” He’d seen Emma take care of her dog enough times that he figured he’d know what to do.

“You’re the best, you know that?” There was no hint of sarcasm in her voice.

His face broke out into a grin. He loved her so much. “I try my best.”

David and Mary Margaret returned soon after, followed by Emma’s doctor, who reminded them she needed to rest. Killian tried not to laugh when he saw Emma roll her eyes when the woman wasn’t looking. He had no desire to leave her, but it helped to know she’d be coming home tomorrow, and he’d be making things easier for her by taking care of Wills.

“The apartment key is on the key ring in my jacket pocket,” she told him, pointing to where her red leather jacket hung in the corner. “There’s a blue dot painted on it, so you shouldn’t get it mixed up like you always do with yours.”

He retrieved the key and tucked it away in the pocket of his own jacket. “No worries, Swan. I’ll see you tomorrow?” he asked, approaching the side of her bed.

“Yeah. I’m not sure what time it’ll be, but I’ll let you know. I’m ready to get my fur baby back.”

“I’m sure the feeling is mutual. I’ll take good care of him though.” Killian leaned over and pressed his lips to her forehead on the side of her uninjured eye. “Goodbye, love.”

If Emma found his display of affection odd, she said nothing.

Wills all but knocked Killian down when he stopped by to retrieve him. He wasn’t used to being alone for so long since Emma was normally home earlier in the evenings. The novelty soon wore off when the dog realized Killian was alone.

“I know, mate. But don’t worry. She’ll be home tomorrow.” He wasn’t sure if he said it to comfort the dog or himself more.

The dog was familiar with Killian’s apartment by now, bolting into the living room and sprawling out on the couch. Killian knew he’d be vacuuming up white fur for the next month, but it was worth it. Wills laid there and watched as he straightened up around the apartment. Emma had always said he was the laziest dog she’d ever seen, and she wasn’t wrong. He didn’t move until Killian went to get ready to turn in for the night, curling up in the middle of the bed like it was his own.

Killian laughed and took a picture that he sent to Emma. It could make the night she spent in the hospital a bit more bearable if nothing else.

Her response came only seconds later. Looks like someone’s made himself at home.

Aye. I can tell he misses you. So do I.

The feeling is mutual. On both fronts.

Maybe his feelings weren’t too far fetched, he thought to himself later as he fell asleep with paws digging into his side.

Killian woke the next morning to Wills jumping on his chest and licking the side of his face. “C’mon, mate. It’s too bloody early for that.” The dog didn’t agree, though. He ran out of the bedroom to where Killian had left his leash and harness in the hall the night before.

“I’m guessing you want to go out, eh?” He knew it wouldn’t hurt to take Wills for a walk while the heat was bearable. “All right, let’s go.”

Killian put Wills into the harness the way he’d seen Emma do before and attached it to his leash before heading out with him. The dog shot out the door and down the stairs, with Killian almost struggling to keep up with him at times. They walked around the neighborhood for the better part of an hour before Killian had enough, his need for breakfast and caffeine winning out.

He spent the morning doing work on his laptop, answering emails and updating the syllabus for his first class. Wills stayed on the couch and either slept or watched him, only getting up now and then for food and water. Emma texted him just after lunch. Hey. They’re getting ready to discharge me and then David’s bringing me home. Any way you could bring Wills over? I had planned to come get him, but I’m pretty sore today and the doctor suggested I take my pain meds and go on to bed.

Not a problem, Swan. Just let me know when it’s best for you. He’ll be glad to see you again.

It wasn’t long until he heard footsteps in the hall and the sound of Emma’s door unlocking. Wills heard it too and began to bark frantically. “Easy there,” Killian told him. “Let’s give her some time to rest. She’ll be ready for you soon.” He was glad they’d gone out for a walk earlier. Hopefully he’d gotten enough exercise that he’d be calm for Emma later.

He got another message from Emma about twenty minutes later. Okay, I’m in bed and drugged. You guys can come over whenever you want, but no guarantees as to how long I’ll be awake.

Killian turned to Wills. “You ready to go see your mum?”

The dog bolted for the front door.

They found Emma just as he’d expected, propped up in bed wearing her favorite pajamas. Wills jumped onto the bed and Killian caught him just as he was about to leap onto Emma. “Woah, buddy.” Emma laughed and reached out to pet him between the ears. “I missed you too, but let’s take it easy, okay?”

Killian normally would have laughed, but he was too focused on his relief that she was all right.

“How are you feeling Swan?” He could tell she was tired, the events of yesterday and the painkillers both catching up to her, not to mention the black eye that had yet to heal.

“Eh. Pretty sore. I’m glad to be home though.” She held her arms out for Wills and he moved to curl up on the bed beside her. “I hope he was good for y-” she yawned mid-sentence.

“He was great. I’m gonna leave so you can get some rest, but let me know whenever you need something, all right? I can come back later to take Wills for another walk if he needs to get out again.”

“M’kay. Thank you, Killian.”

“Not a problem, love.”

“No, I mean it. You up and left work yesterday to check on me, and then had a sleepover with the dog. I know none of this is convenient for you, but you’re doing it anyway. So, yeah, thank you.”

“What are friends for?”

He returned to his apartment soon after, Emma half asleep before he’d even left her room.

A similar pattern followed over the next few days, Killian coming over in the morning and around dinnertime to take Wills outside. Either he or David and Mary Margaret tried to make sure Emma had access to meals that weren’t Pop Tarts or takeout Chinese, but she soon started insisting that it was unnecessary.

Despite her insistence that she needed less help over time, Killian still took the opportunity to both go next door and check in with her often over the following weeks even as his next round of classes began. He knew he was being paranoid, and Emma told him so constantly. It still didn’t do much to minimize his concern. What happened to her was minor in retrospect, but it was hard not to wonder if he could have come close to losing her too.

He also found himself unintentionally becoming more affectionate with Emma as time went on. The casual hand holding, snuggling, and occasional forehead kisses soon became common during their time spent together. Killian would catch himself placing an arm around her shoulders while they watched TV. If Emma thought it abnormal she never mentioned it, only scooting closer on the couch and tucking her head in the spot between his neck and shoulder she seemed to favor so much. It was those moments that made him contemplate if there was a chance she wanted something more between them as much as he did. But if that was the case, why had she never acted on it?

She’s waiting on you, idiot. The thought hit Killian in the middle of the night as he lay awake in bed and stared up at the ceiling. He was thinking on the night he’d spent out with Emma and her friends at a local restaurant just hours earlier. Emma had collaborated with Elsa and Mary Margaret to plan a night out celebrating Ruby and Belle’s engagement. She’d requested he come along despite his hesitation that he’d be intruding, insisting that he deserved to be invited just as much as everyone else and she was guaranteed to have a terrible night without him. Unable to tell her no, he’d tagged along and enjoyed himself more than expected. There had been a great dinner, drinks (which he avoided), and dessert, but what stuck with Killian most was when Ruby chose to ask him about his love life at random.

“So, Jones. I’ve never heard Emma mention you having a girlfriend before. You seeing anyone?”

Emma choked on her water.

“You all right, Ems?” David asked, oblivious to any tension between them that the question had brought on.

“Uh, yeah, I’m fine. Guess it went down the wrong pipe or something.”

Killian noticed Ruby watching him curiously and realized he’d never answered her question. “Er, no, I’m not. Seeing anyone, I mean. Why do you ask?”

She shrugged. “Just curious. That’s kind of surprising, if I’m being honest. A guy who looks like you do in your line of work, plus the hot accent? If Emma was crazy enough not to jump on that, I’d be expecting a lot of girls in line behind her.”

He glanced at Emma out of the corner of his eye. The color on her cheeks matched the red leather jacket she wore. “It just...hasn’t been the best time for me to consider having someone like that in my life, I suppose.” He knew better than to think Emma had shared details about his past with her friends, and wasn’t sure just how else to answer.

Emma, who had seemed to be enjoying herself before, was quiet for the rest of the night, occasionally sneaking glances at him and then looking away any time their eyes met. She’d had little to say during the cab ride home, and disappeared into her apartment as soon as they’d returned with no more than a quick “goodnight.”

Maybe his past had everything to do with it, he thought now, replaying those few moments over again in his mind. Emma knew how difficult socializing and opening up had been for him for so long. She probably knew well enough to assume the same applied to dating and relationships. If she viewed him as more than a friend, it made perfect sense that she’d keep it to herself. Which left him no choice but to act on his own feelings while he had the chance.

Killian spent the next few hours tossing and turning until his alarm went off. He had a busy day ahead between classes and appointments, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to think straight until he told Emma the truth.

He quickly dressed and went next door, thinking little of how early it was. She might hate me for this for a number of reasons, he thought as he knocked on her door, but at least she’ll know.

Emma was rubbing her eyes when she answered the door. “Killian?” she asked, her voice thick with sleep. Wills popped up beside her and stuck his head out of the door. “Why are you here so early? Everything okay?”

“Aye. I just needed to tell you something.”

“It couldn’t wait until the sun was up and I’ve had caffeine?”

“Well, no.”

She must have detected the sincerity in his tone. She straightened and fixed her gaze on him. “In that case, I’m listening.”

“Swan, do you remember the night we met?”

“Yeah. You’d been drinking and couldn’t unlock your door.”

“Right, well, I’ve changed a lot since then, don’t you think?”

She nodded. “Of course you have. You were depressed and in a really bad place, but you hardly seem like the same person now.”

“And do you know why that is?”

“Because you realized Liam and Milah wouldn’t want you to live like that any more.”

“Yes. I know they would’ve wanted better for me. But it’s also because of you.”

“Me?”

“Love, meeting you has changed my life in ways I didn’t think was possible; it may sound cliche, but that doesn’t change the fact regardless. You’ve showed me what it’s like to open up and start living again without letting grief consume me.” He took a deep breath, choosing his next words carefully. “The truth is, I never thought I'd be capable of letting go of the people I’d lost, of Liam and Milah...to believe that I could find someone else - that is, until I met you.”

There was silence as Emma stared at him, unmoving. When she still hadn’t moved or spoken after a long moment, Killian started to think that he’d blown it. “I’m sorry if I seemed out of line, Swan. We can act as if this never happened, or if you feel uncomfortable with our friendship now, I understa-”

He froze as Emma took a step toward him and her fingers brushed the side of his face. “Killian.” His train of thought that had been full of questions and concerns just seconds before was broken as her head slowly tilted and she leaned in, pressing her lips to his own.

It was a bit awkward at first- he hadn’t kissed anyone in so long, what was he even supposed to do? She sensed his hesitation and pulled away. “Shit, sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking but-”

He didn’t give her a chance to finish that sentence. The shock had worn off now and he pulled her back to him. Emma’s mouth was soft against his own as he kissed her again, one hand on her waist and the other cupping her cheek, her arms around his neck.

Killian wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that until there was a loud bark and something trying to wedge itself between them. They looked down to see Wills glaring at him and they both laughed.

“I think someone’s a bit jealous,” Emma said, her eyes bright and lips red.

“So it seems. Do you suppose I’ll have to approach him for permission first before I attempt asking you out? I mean it, love,” he added as she chuckled again. “I haven’t done anything like this in so long. Hell, I might be terrible at it, but you at least make me want to try.” “Okay.”

“Really?”

He could tell she wanted to roll her eyes. “Killian, I kissed you first. Consenting to a date isn’t too far fetched.”

“Right. Yeah. Would I be redeemed if I said I was bemused by your illustrious charm and beauty?”

Emma snorted. “You still know how to charm a girl, don’t you?”

“So it seems. Are you free tonight, by any chance?” Killian saw no need to wait any longer than necessary.

“You’re in luck. Pick me up at seven?”

“I look forward to it already.”

There was a first date. And a second. And third. Killian had expected the amount of time he’d spent alone would make things awkward at first, but they weren’t, not really. There was something to be said for dating someone who already knew you better than you knew yourself.

Over the next few months, their lives mostly remained the same aside from the addition of more dates, more kissing, and other more enjoyable activities (that Killian soon realized were not as enjoyable if you forgot to ensure that the dog wouldn’t be observing.) So, when his lease ended in the spring, it only made sense that Emma suggested he move in with her and Wills.

He did, and soon began showing up for lectures with more white fur on him that he thought possible. It was worth it.

Fun fact: for those of you who don't already know (since he's the topic of 99% of my conversations), Wills is actually my dog irl! Here's the star of the show himself:

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