8/8/2019 CT
Streaaam of consciousness—GO Did I even spell that right? It’s been a very long time since I sat and reflected, or at least feels like it’s been a while. I think I worry that if I don’t come to some new change-course-of-current-goals conclusion, it hasn’t been a successful session. Here I write in hopes that my feelings on that change; that with even so much as thoughts to words to paper, I’ve begun to carve into the iceberg that is my psyche.
I don’t think I could ask for a better background: I’m home, alone. The sounds surronding me include the following: -parakeets -CIA Jr’s house construction (what a face lift that whole lot has gone under!) -at least 3 diff kinds of birds -cicadas -roosters (XD) -the occasional car driving down Old Tavern -one of the neighbors outside, maybe on the phone
The sun is starting to peak through what used to be overcast, although rain is expected later today. Christine just left and I sure hope she doesn’t need anything because my phone continues to not charge/turn on (new development today). Lemme message her on FB...
I have two cans of worms to open/disect, especially per the Tarot Card reading I got in Solvang, CA. Therapy would probably be best: I’m so worried there are things that I’m unaware of that continue to slip by. I think this is part of the reason Stasia remains at the forefront of my thoughts (unfortunately). For obvious and multiple reasons, my life would be so different were it not for her influence, persistence, interventions... and she wanted me to keep working at it, to not allow the beaver-dom to seep back in. I’m afraid that’s what has happened since. It’s been an interesting two years. I definitely was feeling myself most in FL, but as is natural with ebbs and flows, I think I'm finally calming down. HOWEVER Being home makes me wonder if I’ve made any progress at all. Naturally, I have-- I know so. But maybe I’m comparing/measuring up to who I want to be or who I think I am. Maybe herein lies the biggest incongruency. It’s more than thoughts or wishes. This Ronaldo I have in mind... I think I imagine some hunk of a man, with the personality to follow. What I am reminded of (especially in CA) is that I’m instead a short transdude who still has effeminate qualities about him. Talk about puberty part two: finding whatchu got, working towards betterment yet learning to love the goods and bads of who you are. It’s so goddamn frustrating to have been in place (after starting my transition) where I loved all of who I was. Everything made sense. Nothing could touch me. The world was my oyster and everything was new, exciting, brimming with promise of growth... and then to feel right back where I was in middle school about wanting to look/sound/embody someone or something more. The self-conscious middle-schooler threatens to cloud my thoughts again. I worked past this already, no?! I’m baffled that I get stuck on what to say to someone I might find attractive in public, or search my brain for a topic to discuss with someone, or worry about the witty response-- what the hell? What even happened to the Ronnie I've been cruising with for two years? No, MORE. I was past this in high school and then some. So I don’t know if it’s: -being back home (facing old demons? Idfk) -reflecting/resetting/relaxing ---> so maybe the effects of CA are catching up to me? (because everyone is so gd beautiful and tall and built and shit) But I was still way more like, cool there x) idk -hormones (late on my shot) -overall part of this puberty/transitioning process
Hopefully more on all this later.