#cuasher

[divorcedlizbartlet]

my heart has changed and my soul has changed

A Chicago Med fic

Chapter 1 - Prologue: We Were Built to Fall Apart (And Fall Back Together)

Hannah Asher has had a lot of fuck-ups in her life-- less so recently, though, now that she's nearly three years sober. She's no stranger to consequences, long-term and short-term both, but this… this is a new problem.

4,149 words - rated M - TW for past drug use, canon-typical hospital environments, brief infidelity

[divorcedlizbartlet]

picnic dates + nellie/hannah pls oh my god

wanna hold this moment the way you're holdin' me

Alright, so this got longer than I really expected, and took a different direction entirely tbh... anyway I love them and I had a great time writing them and also Hannah needs therapy. Those are my takeaways from writing this all evening and posting at a quarter to midnight 😅

When the temperatures stay in the 60s and 70s all week, Nellie knows summer is well and truly on the way. She hates the cold, and rain is usually at best a minor frustration, so seeing the sun on her way into work every morning and enjoying the warm afternoon on her lunch break has her beaming at patients and brushing off work issues far easier than she normally would.

"We should go somewhere," she says to Hannah, their shoulders brushing as they leave the hospital together Thursday evening. Shift work means they have all of Friday off, and from where Nellie is standing, a sunny June Friday is too good of an opportunity to pass up.

Hannah smiles regretfully at her, stepping away from her just a little as she turns toward where her car is parked. "I'm on call on Saturday, I don't think we can go too far."

"It doesn't have to be anything big," Nellie cajoles, following her still even though she's parked further down in the lot. "Let's just do something to enjoy the nice weather. We could splurge on that sandwich shop you like and have, I don't know, a picnic or something!"

Hannah fidgets with her car keys in her hand, and for a moment Nellie thinks she's going to say no, like she does whenever she suggests actually having dinner out or seeking out an event fancier than ladies' night at a club or god forbid, letting on to anyone at med that they're seeing each other. But the blonde just smirks, raising her eyebrows with a flicker of disbelief in her eyes. "Is Lincoln Park good enough to fulfill your lesbian cottagecore fantasies?"

Nellie snorts at the phrasing. "Oh, please. We both know I'm easily entertained."

Honestly, Hannah is on the same page as Nellie about the beautiful weather. To calm herself down about the level of date this outing might count as, she dresses intentionally casual, converse and a black concert tee with light blue jeans. She drives out to grab the sandwiches they'd ordered and then swings by Nellie's apartment building, laughing at the bundle of blankets and tote bags she's carrying. "Woah, you came prepared!"

"No ants or grass stains at this picnic," Nellie pronounces with a grin, tossing her hair over her shoulder. "Just blue skies and sunshine and nice, big blankets. Did you get the sandwiches?"

"Yep!" Hannah shuts the door to the backseat and accepts a quick kiss from Nellie before heading back to the driver's seat. "We're all set."

Hannah's spotify is already hooked up to her car's bluetooth, so Nellie teases her about her music taste and they both sing along until they reach the park, a drive that feels like it hardly takes any time at all with the good moods they're in. As they step out into the sunlight and head down a walking path, Hannah finds herself more enthusiastic about the idea of a picnic than she'd been when Nellie had suggested it. "Can we find a spot by the water? It's a weekday, and it's not quite lunch time yet, I don't think there'll be too much crowding."

"It's not like it's a hot new restaurant, honey," Nellie teases, lengthening her stride to keep up with her. "As long as we don't mind dog walkers or nannies and toddlers, I don't think anyone is going to bother us."

"Well, I'm down for either of those options," Hannah agrees, following the signpost toward the waterfront. "Seriously, I would adopt a dog in a heartbeat if my apartment had the space... and, well, it's probably obvious that I think kids are pretty damn cute."

"I could've guessed," Nellie laughs. "I would totally love a dog too, but I would want to adopt a rescue."

"Absolutely," Hannah agrees. "That's the only way I would do it... the SPCA ads always make me cry."

They debate large dogs versus small dogs until they pass a grand, twisting willow tree, situated maybe halfway between the path and the riverbank. "Oh, look how pretty," Hannah gasps.

Nellie grins as she takes her hand. "And you thought this was a bad idea."

"I never said that!"

Even though she'd laughed at the level of preparedness, Hannah has to admit that the grassy hill is much more pleasurable with two layers of blankets. Nellie kicks off her birkenstocks and Hannah unlaces her converse, earning her some teasing laughter at the daisy print on her socks. "I just saw them at Target!" She protests. "I thought they were cute."

"Hey, I'm not judging," Nellie says with a shrug, producing a bottle of sparkling cider from her tote bag. "I love Target. I always spend way too much money, but then I'm like, 'hey, self-care'."

"Now I have an excuse," Hannah laughs, turning a little to open the paper bag and unwrap their sandwiches. "Impulse-buying? No, my psychiatrist girlfriend says it's self-care."

In the exact moment that Hannah processes the words that have just come out of her mouth, Nellie leans down to kiss her. It's a soft, warm kiss, and her fingers tilt Hannah's chin up to the right angle for her to deepen it, but Hannah pulls away instead, her heart racing. Nellie is watching her with a curious smile.

"Girlfriend?"

"I--" Hannah doesn't want to just brush it off, but her stomach is tying itself in knots. "I mean. Well-- sure."

"Hannah," Nellie says, her laugh tinged with uncertainty as she takes her hand, "I want a little more than 'sure'."

Hannah fees regret burning under her sternum as she bites her lip and meets Nellie's eyes. "I... don't know what I can give you."

"As an answer?" Nellie questions. "Or in general?"

"Both," Hannah laughs, caught off-guard by the blunt callout. "I... isn't this easy, Nell? We can go on fun picnics and spend weekend nights pressed up against each other at the club and share a bed for fun and comfort whenever we want. And we don't have to think about anything else, and I don't have to think about if there's any other reason you would want me."

"Hannah," Nellie says softly, squeezing her hand a little too tight. "Baby, I would never want you to think that. I want you for so many reasons, you're important to me way beyond having fun and hooking up."

"I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse," Hannah responds, swallowing hard. "Nellie... I trust you, and I care about you, a lot. But I haven't been in a committed relationship, one with a name on it, since before I got sober. And I feel like you're holding out your hand for me to join you on this great, amazing roller coaster... but I don't know if I'm really... ready." She presses her lips together, moistening them with her tongue. "I'm sorry... I know that's not what you wanted to hear."

"It's okay," Nellie reassures her. "You don't need to apologize. Thank you for being so clear with me, baby... I'm okay just staying where we are, yeah? If that's what you need right now, I don't want to rush anything."

A little surprised by the immediate agreement, Hannah gives Nellie a somewhat watery smile, before abandoning the sandwich bag to lean forward and throw her arms around the brunette. "Thank you," she mumbles, her face buried in Nellie's hair. "I care a lot about you, Nell. I really like what we've got going. I just wanna... stay here a little while longer."

"We can do that," Nellie promises, her fingers scratching gently at the base of Hannah's scalp. "We can stay here as long as you need."

"I didn't mean literally here," Hannah points out, readjusting her head on Nellie's shoulder.

"Why not?" the brunette says lightly. "We have beautiful weather, the river ambiance... sandwiches..." she reaches halfheartedly for the bag.

"I'm not hungry," Hannah decides, shifting position so that she's lying on Nellie's lap looking up at her. "Play with my hair some more?"

Nellie laughs, and her smile is so bright that Hannah actually feels a spark of hope that she hasn't totally fumbled this. "I'd love to."

"You're amazing," Hannah tells her. "You're too good to me."

"No I'm not," Nellie says simply.

Hannah blinks, and then shrugs, a smile brought over her face by the soothing touch and the warmth of the day. She closes her eyes and acquiesces, to everything Nellie is offering. "Okay."

[divorcedlizbartlet]

"Shh, it's ok. It was just a dream" + the OC WW2 AU?

okay hoax just came on shuffle so blame taylor swift for this. i think this is set between the end of the war and the start of the actual Lavender AU (i say, as if this au even has a full plot yet)... let's say early fall of '45?

Before the war, Hannah had found the sound of rain and storms soothing. Maybe it was because of the relief and comfort that came with rain, with knowing the fields were being soaked and their harvest was getting more secure with every storm. Maybe it was because the farmhouse she'd grown up in had a tin roof, and the sound of the rain filled the whole place whether you were listening or not, a constant background comfort whether working or sleeping. Even tornadoes were more of an interesting occurrence than a terrifying threat.

Before the war, thunder had been a natural phenomenon, not a man-made sound, not an ominous promise of destruction and pain and more gravely wounded men crying out to her to help them in ways she seldom could. Before, it had been a soothing and nostalgic sound. But now, everything from distant rumbling to the loud, sudden clap makes the hair on the back of her neck rise. She's all but given up sleeping during storms.

Nellie is still asleep, though, slumbering next to her in the bed they're not supposed to share. Hannah watches her peaceful expression, twirling her fingers through her dark hair sometimes when she feels a little too panicked by the driving rain and rumbling storm outside. She doesn't know why Nellie can sleep and she can't, but she's hardly going to wake her up. At least lying here together, they can get a few hours of calm with each other.

The calm is disrupted, though, by a thunderclap that sounds like it might as well be right over their apartment building. Hannah jerks, gasping involuntarily as her heart skips a beat, and this time the sound does wake Nellie, who sits bolt upright, blindly pushing at the blankets.

Hannah wraps her arms around her and pulls her back before she can climb from the bed. "Nellie! Hey, hey, Nell." She buries her face in her hair, making shushing noises. "Shh, it's okay. It was just a dream, honey, it was just thunder. It's okay. We're safe."

Nellie finds Hannah's hands with her own, and Hannah loosens her grip to reciprocate. "I know," Hannah murmurs, kissing Nellie's shoulder. "I know."

"I don't even know what I was dreaming about," Nellie whispers. "Sometimes... a lot of the time, we're back there. But I wasn't... I was fine tonight. And then I woke up like we were under fire."

"Pesky thunder," Hannah says lightly, her smile sad even though Nellie's facing away from her.

"This is why I couldn't go home," Nellie murmurs. "I... everything is too different."

"I can't go home either," Hannah reminds her, "and I don't need to. I don't care what my father thinks or what my mother wishes I would do. You're my home now. You're my family."

"I love you, Hannah," Nellie says, turning her head into Hannah's shoulder. "I need you."

"Yeah." Hannah peppers kisses over her face, sliding her fingers through her hair. "I love you, too, Nellie."

"Good." Nellie leans against her with more weight. "I... good."

"Get some sleep."

"What about you?"

Hannah pulls her tighter into her to prevent her worried gaze searching her tired expression. "I couldn't sleep anyway. It's alright."

"I love you, Hannah," Nellie murmurs again.

Hannah relaxes into the mussed pillows so that Nellie is in a more comfortable position. "Yeah. I love you too."

[divorcedlizbartlet]

WIP Wednesday

Tagged by @swiftiebuckleys ily!! got this notif like RIGHT as the inspiration came back and the scene I just finished is... pure chaos.

From my Chicago Med Hannah/Nellie baby fic-- this is literally the entire first scene of ch 3. #coparenting au on my blog has moreeee 💗

“Hi,” Hannah says, dropping into an empty chair near Dr. Patchefsky’s desk, “I need a favor.”

“Well, you did buy me a beer the last time you said that,” her colleague says neutrally, “so sure, I’ll lend a hand again.”

“You’re the best,” Hannah says, leaning forward and propping her elbows on the edge of the desk. “When you have a moment can you squeeze me in for an eight week scan?”

Olga leans back in her desk chair, folding her arms over her chest. “What did you do with the levonorgestrel scrip I wrote you?”

“Got incredibly unlucky, I guess,” Hannah says drily. “The timing was just off, that’s all there is to it.”

“You seem remarkably calm about this.”

“My girlfriend is helping me keep my head on straight.” It’s the first time she’s said that out loud in the hospital, but if Patchefsky can squeeze her in they’re about to get a lot more personal, anyway.

Sure enough, her eyebrows shoot up. “That’s a whole new layer to all this. What is in the air down in the ED?”

“It’s… a really long story,” Hannah sighs. “Can you squeeze me in or not?”

Patchefsky’s mouth puckers. “Two beers.”

“Sure.”

“Come on then, I have a postpartum patient coming in in half an hour.”

“Thank you, Olga, I owe you one.”

“What did I just say? You owe me two.”

tagging @someonefantastic @bluejay-in-write and @crockettmarcel if any of you are writing anything!!

[divorcedlizbartlet]

“I can’t hide my bump any longer. I think we need to tell people.” Hannah/Nellie pls 💕

This is set a little later in an AU that exists 99% in my head currently... context for the setting of this is that Hannah & Nellie are married with a 4yo daughter and a 9mo son. Pls enjoy some domestic shenanigans & fluff 🤍🤍🤍

Nellie scowls into the mirror, cursing the unforgiving nature of pressed work slacks. For the past few weeks, getting dressed has been awkward, sure, but she'd at least been able to make her clothes fit. Now, with the finicky flat clasp of her pants and the starched weave of her blouse, she's reached the end of her go-to wardrobe strategy. Twin pregnancy is... such a treat.

"Nell?" her wife calls, her voice echoing through the narrow hallway between the bedroom and living room. "Are you feeling up to taking Lulu to preschool? I'm on call in the ED today, so I should get there early, but I can drop Felix at daycare there."

"I'm actually feeling like I have a little more energy today," Nellie answers, unbuttoning her stretched shirt and rifling through her closet for other presentable options. "But that's not my biggest problem right now... I can't hide my bump any longer. I think we need to tell people."

Hannah appears in the bedroom while Nellie is tugging a black dress on. It's knit, hardly a step up from a sweater dress, but the color and the high neckline (March in Chicago is absolutely a reasonable time for turtlenecks) make it passable as business casual. She looks in the mirror and, yep, even her white coat won't do much to hide the obvious.

"...Oh," Hannah says, pursing her lips and nodding as she watches Nellie cradle her bump. "Yeah, you're probably right..."

Nellie reaches for her wife's hand, squeezing gently as she urges the blonde closer to her. "What's the matter, baby?"

Hannah shakes her head slightly, looking down. "I... it just feels so soon. You're only ten weeks, we've still got almost a month left in your first trimester..."

"Aw," Nellie murmurs, moving to lay her hands on Hannah's arms and kiss her cheek, "see, this is why you carried Felix. You're going to end up more stressed than me over these two."

"Don't laugh," Hannah pouts, "it's my job."

"Yes," Nellie says gently, resting her forehead against Hannah's, "your job which you are going to be late for if you don't start the battle of getting the baby into his outdoor coat now. I feel good, you know the scans look good, so let's just, y'know, get excited." She tilts her wife's chin up with two fingers and drops a quick kiss to her lips. "For these babies, and for confusing and shocking our coworkers all day today."

Hannah sighs. "You're not going to make me stop worrying," she insists, "but you're right about getting Felix dressed. And you look amazing in that dress. So I guess I'll live."

"Proud of you," Nellie says, smiling to remind her that she means it, she means it every day. "Now, I have to find stockings, I guess... and then help Lulu with her socks..."

At least that makes Hannah laugh as she slips out of the room. "Good luck! I'll see you at Med."

"Try half-caf coffee today," Nellie calls.

"In your dreams, babe!"

Nellie laughs and glances over in the mirror at her bump one more time.

[divorcedlizbartlet]

my heart has changed and my soul has changed

A Chicago Med fic

Chapter 1 - Prologue: we were built to fall apart (and fall back together)

Chapter 2 - my self-preservation and all of my reservations are sitting and contemplating what to do with me

Chapter 3 - these things that I’m thinking for hours

Blindsided as they head down their new and uncertain path, Hannah and Nellie each have worries about the prospect of parenthood.

3/? Chapters - 10,401 words - rated M - TW for panic attacks