#cure slash

[thiskisscouldcostmylife]

Hysteria

Pairing: Robert/Simon Rate: PWP Description: a very quick sequel of Kissy… Disclaimer: I don’t own The Cure’s members (unfortunately). Everything you are going to read is PURE fiction.

As soon as they finished the interview, Robert just wanted to know what his friend meant by saying “tricks”, waiting for his next move… What did he have to wait for?

...

The sounds. The low whimpers Robert made as Simon slid his hands along his body. The soft cries escaping from those scarlet lips as he kissed his neck, moving downwards, licking and nibbling on that tender pale skin.

He could sense the singer’s heartbeat getting faster, his body squirming as his hands travelled on his back. He started murmuring the bassist’s name, faintly, and Simon couldn’t help but moving upwards and kiss him, a slow deep maddening kiss. He could melt in that mouth. He could feel his right hand coming up to cup his cheek, his thumb stroking it while, behind my ear, his fingers played with his hair, deepening the kiss.

The muffled moans coming out from Robert while they kissed made Simon desperate, and hungrier. He broke the kiss, only to assault the singer’s neck, sucking at that sweet skin just below his ear, while he started to rub his manhood into his friend’s groin, building friction. Robert moaned louder, roaming his left hand into Simon’s hair, while the other rested on his back, digging his nails on the bassist’s flesh.

“You like it, don’t you?” Simon whispered as he trailed his way along his Adam’s apple, eliciting a breathless yesss from Robert’s throat. Slowly the bassist moved downwards, travelling his torso open-mouthed, as Robert’s body started trembling with anticipation. He knew he needed him, as much as the singer needed him.

They can’t fight it. They are each other’s drug.

Simon felt Robert’s hands on his shoulder, encouraging him down, where he wanted him the most, and the bassist looked upwards just to see his best friend staring back at him, sparkling blue oceans waiting for his next move.

Looking at him the whole time, Simon eased his fingers inside the waistband of Robert’s pants, watching him nibbling at his bottom lip to stifle a gasp. “You have no idea what I’m gonna do to you” the bassist thought as he grinned mischievously to him, hooking his fingers on the waistband to push the singer’s underwear down to his thighs and then ease them off, throwing them somewhere in the room. As soon as Simon started placing wet kisses on his friend’s low belly, Robert tilted in head back and let out a low gasp, trying to look down at the bassist, wanting to see and feel everything, until his body trembled with need.

Resting his left hand on Robert’s hip, Simon went downwards, licking his friend’s shaft before encasing him completely, the singer’s loud groans of pleasure filling his ears. Seeing him squirming in ecstasy, breathing hard for the overwhelming sensation, could make Simon burst right there. But he had to wait for it, waiting to give everything to him, to be buried deep inside him, hearing him scream his name in a breathless obscenity. The bassist was still torturing the singer, sucking his cock greedily, making him turn his head to one side, gripping the pillow with shaking hands. “Simon.. uhh - please” murmured Robert while gripping onto Simon’s shoulders again, begging him. And Simon knew too well what Robert was begging for…

He went upwards to be able to murmur into the singer’s ear, caressing the side of his neck, while his hand went down, where his mouth was just seconds before, his smooth movements on Robert’s cock made the singer moan again, grinning at how Robert’s body moved underneath him. “Beg me again”, Simon whispered into his friend’s ear “Tell me how much you want it”, and Robert let out a low groan due to Simon playing with his manhood, then he tried to stifle another moan, whispering a faint please as he let out a soft gasp, and Simon realized the singer’s hands were tugging at his boxers, trying to pull them down. He couldn’t resist to him, not when he was like this, so wanton and ready for him.

As fast as humanly possible, Simon took off his boxer, nearly tearing them off as they flown to the corner of the room. While kissing Robert, he reached the bedside table one-handed, grasping the bottle of lube on it and sleeking up his fingers, almost losing the grip on his friend, whose eyes were glistering for desire. They shared another more passionate kiss while Simon’s fingers travelled downwards, instantly finding where he opens.

He knows what Robert likes, and Robert loves how Simon knows him so well.

He slowly pushed his index inside him, gasping as he saw Robert throwing back his head to catch air, a breathless moan escaping from those crimson lips. The singer deliberately opened his thighs wider, giving the bassist’s hand more room to cup his balls, fucking himself on those fingers as he rolled his hips up to meet Simon’s moves. But still, Robert wanted something more… The bassist was nibbling and sucking at that tender flesh of the singer’s neck, as Robert nuzzled him, whispering into his ear, desire filling his soft voice “Fuck me - please”, moaning again and arching towards him.

And that’s when Simon’s control shattered.

The bassist came down to kiss the singer passionately, as he swiftly pulled off his fingers from his friend’s heat, eliciting a loud gasp. As they kissed, Robert slid a hand between their bodies, trying slide inside the front of Simon’s boxer. Simon let out a low moan as Robert touched the already clammy head of his cock, feeling him trembling in return.

He needed to feel his pounding heat inside of him, he needed it so much it was driving him crazy. As soon as his hand left the bassist’s boxers, the singer pushed his hips up, his cock brushing against Simon’s groin as he brought himself up to whisper in his ear, shaking, “I need you”.

Simon was still trying to resist to the urge of giving in too soon, but Robert was making his efforts too hard to deal with. So he gave in. He pushed up one of Robert’s legs, pushing it to his torso, so he could have more room to pleasure his friend, who let his leg go as far as possible. The bassist aligned himself as Robert rolled his hips up again, wanting nothing more than his friend’s hot shaft inside, as he felt Simon’s sliding inside slowly, stretching him as softly as possible, in order to avoid pain. The more Simon pushed inside, the more Robert winced in ecstasy, never moving his gaze away from those hazel deep eyes. As soon as he got fully inside, the bassist took hold of the singer’s wrists, pushing them on the mattress, over his friend’s head, as he started to move inside him.

Robert was trying so hard not to give in to the pleasure too early, throwing his head back for that blissful ecstasy, never taking his eyes off of Simon’s face, who was gazing at him so intently to make his friend moan louder, due also to his thrust becoming more rhythmic. The bassist let one of Robert’s wrists free to grasp his hip, while the other hand slid down from the other captive wrist to the singer’s chest, feeling him shudder at the pressure of his hand, as Simon’s thrust became more demanding. “Ssimon - ah… please” Robert breathed as he grabbed a handful of Simon’s hair, trying to push him down, wanting to feel his body rubbing against him. The feeling of his skin on his, his harsh breath on his neck and his hands on his waist… just the thought could send him over.

And Simon knew that. The bassist followed Robert down, as he felt the singer’s inner thighs sliding upwards on his hips, and his lips curled in a devilish grin before crashing their mouths in a passionate deep kiss, and Simon slid his hands down, grabbing Robert’s sides, as he paced up his thrusts, going deeper and faster. Breaking the kiss, the bassist nuzzled his face on the singer’s neck, breathing him in, as he felt Robert’s hand on the back of his head, while the other was gripping his shoulder blade from behind, head thrown back, eyes shut and open-mouthed, moaning Simon’s name, as the bassist fucked him as deep as possible into the mattress. If the singer stopped squealing, the bassist could distinctly hear the mattress creaking under their bodies. The pounding was getting so hard the bed would have broken - and maybe Robert's body too - but he seemed to not care about it at all. He was so overwhelmed by the pleasure he started rolling his hips to meet Simon's thrusts, which now were getting stronger and urgent, and the bassist was rewarded by the feel of the singer’s hands gripping his buttocks, wanting to feel him all.

All of a sudden, an loud, high-pitched scream came out from Robert, his eyes opened wide, breathing heavily, and Simon knew he was getting close. The bassist swiftly got up from his friend’s torso, still inside him, and grabbed the singer’s quivering thighs, spreading them wider and pushing them as far as they could go, in order to have even more access. He grinned at the thought of how flexible Robert was… every position was possible with him, especially when he was like this, so focused on the pleasure he couldn’t even understand whether he was getting hurt or not. Simon kept pounding him on the mattress, his best friend’s body jerking back and forth, and each inward movement made him squirm in ecstasy, seeing him gripping the crumpled bed sheets where they were consuming their lust, two bodies painted of red smears of passion. “Pleeaseee -ah” Robert tried to stifle another moan, then he breathed “Please.. uh -.. make me come!”, as he gripped the bedpost, eyes rolled back, as if his life depended on it. Robert was starting to get tight around him so, as he tried to pull back a little, he took his friend’s inflamed cock in his hand, jacking him off while he was still fucking him. The sensation was too much for Robert to take. In a few minutes, he came all over Simons low belly, screaming his name out loud, his orgasm getting Simon to plunge into him again and again, roughly, till he reached his own release, moaning Robert’s name as the singer whimpered in return, and then collapsed on his friend sweaty body.

Both of them stayed still for some minutes, trying to recover, as Robert placed his hand on Simon’s back, feeling his heartbeat pounding softly on his chest, while Simon’s thumb stroked his thigh tenderly, relaxing the singer. As their breath slowed down, the bassist gazed at his best friend, eyes full of love, and kissed him, as he slid his cock out of Robert, who whimpered for the sudden loss, but kissing Simon was always a good distraction from that little ache. After kissing and caressing for a few minutes, Simon laid down next to Robert. Gazing up on the ceiling, the singer said, his voice hoarse for the screams of pleasure “I swear Simon, I think I won’t be able to walk for the next days”. He tried to stretch his legs down, and winced doing so, making Simon burst out laughing. “Oh is it funny for you?” Robert said playfully, just to gain his friend’s attention, and so Simon replied, still laughing “I guess you aren’t still used to it as you think you are”. “You think so? Mhm…” Robert said, as he rolled on his side, his body facing Simon’s. “Next time, you'd better let me ride you” he went on, gazing the bassist’s hazel eyes intently, as he grinned at him. “So you are sure you will be able to tame me, aren’t you?” Simon asked him giggling, as he raised his left eyebrow, and smiled as Robert got closer to his face, closer to his ear, and whispered “You have been already tamed”. “Oh really?”, Simon replied “So how do you describe… this?” and jumped towards Robert, gripping his waist, as he started to tickle him. Both the singer and the bassist squirmed and laughed together, playing on the crumpled bed, knowing too well that as long as they were together, nothing bad would happen to them.

[horizon-greene]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

New fic. R/S, 2409 words, Explicit.

Robert discovers an unexpected way to ease Simon into their first time.

[dissidentaggress0r]

PSA

I am drunk AF rn so I feel like I should finally admit that I would FUCK Simon Gallup in a heart beat

[gallithtrash]

So I'm reading Cured and after all the cure trash fics I have read over the years is completely distorting how I think the book will play out. All I want to do is spend the next six months writing out every scenario I've envisioned and post it for everyone to read/enjoy/be disgusted in. Anyone interested?

[horizon-greene]

Fic: Afterimage

Reunion sex, circa 1985.

R/S, Explicit

Robert had thought it might be different now, after how it had ended before.

The precise sequence of that final argument—the points of escalation—were lost to him, but there were fragments of memory that persisted in Robert’s brain, despite the near-perpetual drunken stupor they’d all existed in at the time. He remembered the shouting, the shoving, fists flying. He could still see the blood dripping from Simon’s nose and smearing across his face, transforming his sneer into a ghastly, nightmarish shape. The pain in Robert’s knuckles and the bruise on his mouth had lingered stubbornly for days afterward, tormenting him every time he moved his fingers or looked into the mirror.

They’d fought before, exchanging sharp, cruel words—but it hadn’t ever come to blows like that; Simon hadn’t ever left.

It had shaken Robert to his very core, left him adrift and flailing for months.

So it felt like a minor miracle that Simon was back in the band at all, had been there all night whenever Robert looked to his left onstage. Robert hadn’t known what to expect, had thought they might be distant, cautious with each other. Maybe things were still too fragile; maybe it was still too much to expect that they’d go back to all of their previous habits.

But that was a foolish thought. It seemed so obvious now, as Simon pushed him harder against the wall of his hotel room, his knee between Robert’s thighs and his tongue deep in Robert’s mouth. It was all connected, inextricably linked. There would always be the band, them, this—this need to exchange the fading adrenaline of a show for a different kind of rush.

Robert grabbed at Simon, his hand catching in Simon’s collar on the way up the back of his neck. His hair had never been this long before, and he grabbed a fistful and pulled, angling Simon’s face sideways. He slowed the kiss, deepened it, his tongue tracing the familiar curve of Simon’s lips before easing between them. He was dizzy with how much he had missed this, practically clinging to him, and he moaned softly when Simon pulled away.

Simon dipped down to kiss his neck, open-mouthed, and Robert closed his eyes and tipped his head back against the wall.

“What do you want?” he asked. He knew the answer, he always fucking knew, but he wanted to hear Simon say it.

Simon huffed a laugh into Robert’s skin. “You,” he breathed. “Sucking my cock.”

Robert flushed with heat and deeply-ingrained need, guiding Simon’s mouth back up to his own, pushing his hair out of his face as they kissed. The slow ease of moments ago was gone; he wanted to get closer, wanted to devour him, wanted Simon to devour him in turn.

He reached down and undid Simon’s fly, slipping his hand inside. Simon exhaled hard and shifted his hips forward, pushing into Robert’s touch. There wasn’t room for Robert to do much more than stroke his fingertips along Simon’s cock, but they both moaned into the kiss.

Simon reached for his hands. “Come on,” he whispered, and tugged Robert across the room.

Between the two of them, they made a wreck of the bed, tipping back onto the mattress and shoving most of the pillows to the floor, kicking the blankets into a hopeless tangle as they kissed and rubbed and maneuvered out of their clothes.

Robert hadn’t forgotten Simon’s words, or the burn they’d sparked inside him, and he pushed Simon onto his back and slid down his body, settling between his thighs. He bent down, tongue curling familiar shapes around the head of Simon’s cock, lips pursing against the tip in languid kisses. Simon didn’t look away, and Robert lingered there, licking, watching Simon watch him, before he finally took him into his mouth with purpose, sinking down until he reached the base.

“Oh, fuck,” Simon sighed, his thighs tensing beneath Robert’s arms.

Robert pulled off slowly, humming around the wet sound it made. Simon reached out, trailing a fingertip down the center of Robert’s mouth.

“Look at you,” he murmured, and Robert tipped his head back fractionally, exaggerating the tug against his lower lip.

He knew exactly what he looked like—smudged eyes and smeared mouth, hair spider-webbed across his damp temples. He’d seen the aftermath in the mirror countless times, sometimes alone, sometimes with Simon there, a presence at Robert’s back, peering over his shoulder at their reflection and pressing his fingers against Robert’s cheeks, into his mouth.

It wasn’t unusual to fuck again, right there, watching themselves in the mirror until Robert’s legs trembled, until he ached so sweetly he could scream, until—

His eyes had fallen shut at some point as he slipped into his memories, and he blinked them open to find Simon staring, smiling faintly at him. His hand pushed into Robert’s hair, cupping the back of his head.

“Come on,” he urged, gentle pressure downward, and Robert went.

He had missed this—being the focus of Simon’s attention, the center of his world, Simon’s cock against his tongue and his hands in Robert’s hair. He sucked, greedy for Simon’s touches, for his low, appreciative moans each time he took him down his throat. It was a little like music, in its own way. Robert still knew exactly how to play him, even after so much time apart—knew what would make Simon erupt in noise, what would render him nearly incapable of making a sound at all.

“Robert. Robert, fuck.” Simon finally gasped, easing Robert off and then pulling him up into a kiss.

Robert closed his eyes, grabbing Simon’s shoulders in an effort to steady himself. Giving head always made him feel desperately turned on, and he whimpered as Simon’s lips followed the curve of his jaw to the sensitive skin below his ear. He was shaking, settling his body closer to Simon’s, on the verge of mindlessly rutting against him, when Simon pushed Robert onto his back and followed him over, his mouth on Robert’s throat and his hand tight around his cock. They writhed against each other, breathing hard, and Simon’s hand slipped lower, cupping his balls, then lower still.

Robert moaned and arched into the touch, bringing his lips to Simon’s ear.

“Simon, I want—do you have…?”

Simon groaned, sucking hard at Robert’s skin, making him shiver all over.

“Hang on,” he mumbled.

He rolled over, off the bed, and when he returned a moment later, the fingers he slipped between Robert’s thighs were slick with lube.

It had been a while, but Simon hadn’t forgotten what Robert liked. Long fingers pressed in deep, curled exquisitely inside him, and Robert jammed a foot into the mattress, extra leverage to push up into Simon’s hand. It was so good, he was nearly sobbing as he fucked himself on Simon’s fingers, but it wasn’t enough, he needed—

He reached between their bodies, seeking. Simon’s cock was hot against his palm, and so wet at the tip that Robert shuddered, knowing Simon was as undone by this as he was.

“Fuck me,” he gasped. “Simon, come on.”

Simon was staring at him, a strand of hair clinging damply to the corner of his mouth, and he looked as wild-eyed and desperate as Robert felt as he withdrew his hand. Their fingers tangled briefly as Simon gave his cock a couple of hard jerks, and then he was pressing it against Robert, pressing in.

Robert sucked in a breath through his teeth and barely stifled a second, more painful noise as Simon sank into him, stretching him open. There hadn’t been any other men, not since Simon, not—not really. His mind conjured up blurred recollections of strangers’ hands on him in bars and clubs, a brief sense memory of Steve’s lips on Robert’s mouth and cheeks—but he hadn’t taken it any further. It hadn’t been right; none of them had been Simon. But he didn’t want Simon to know about his pointless devotion, didn’t want to have to explain the reasoning behind it. He hid his face against Simon’s neck and wrapped his legs around his thighs, urging him closer.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Simon grunted, shifting with him, sliding in deeper. He began to rock slowly against Robert, tilting his face up into a kiss. Robert opened to him, darting his tongue into his mouth, because kissing Simon was always a reliably good distraction, and he lost himself in it, stroking the back of his neck and pushing his fingers through Simon’s hair.

As his discomfort faded, he became acutely aware of how gently Simon was fucking him, with careful movements that produced little more than glancing, abbreviated friction inside him. It was maddening, and Robert didn’t need to be treated delicately—not by Simon, not by anyone.

Robert moaned into the kiss and tightened his grip on Simon’s hair, then slid his hands to his hips. Simon groaned as Robert dug his fingers in, hauling them forcibly together.

Simon pulled back, bracing himself on an elbow and grasping one of Robert’s hands, pinning it above his head. They were both breathing hard, staring, but Simon was finally starting to really fuck him, and Robert brought his free hand up to tangle in his own hair.

Simon withdrew until he was barely inside, and Robert pushed up into the long, deliberate slide back in, the angle so perfect that he cried out, curling his hand against his mouth.

He raised his knees, loosely bracketing Simon’s hips and giving him room to fuck as hard and as deep as he wanted. Robert moaned, easing a fingertip between his teeth, as Simon did just that—again, and again, and again.

Simon’s eyes were dark, his tongue just visible at the corner of his mouth, and he was watching Robert so intently that Robert’s toes curled. Robert knew exactly how to arch beneath Simon’s hands, how to twist his body into pleasing shapes, how to give Simon something really worth looking at. It required no artifice—not when he’d been wanting this, needing it, aching to have it back since practically the moment he lost it.

“You love this, don’t you,” Simon grunted, stroking his fingers lightly across Robert’s temple even as his thrusts below grew rougher, more demanding. “Fuck, Robert, you’re so—”

Simon didn’t finish the thought, but he bent down and kissed him, hard. Robert cupped the back of his head, eyes slipping shut as he kissed him back. Simon was getting in so deep, stretching him so wide, and Robert couldn’t fathom how he had gone without this for so long.

They were both close. Simon had one hand in Robert’s hair, the other rubbing up and down his thigh until he finally grasped the back of his knee, opening him up wider.

Robert twisted his face to the side, breaking the kiss.

“Simon, fuck me, fuck me, please—” Robert begged, but he was losing track of the words, losing control completely. He moaned, tightening up around Simon, and he couldn’t think beyond the pressure between his legs, the pleasure.

“Come on,” Simon urged, his voice hoarse and uneven with exertion. “Do it.”

Robert did.

He cried out as he came, hot and wet between them, and Simon swore under his breath, pushing into him even harder.

Robert curled closer to him, drawing Simon down into another kiss. Simon’s mouth muffled the low, satisfied sounds Robert made—noises that rose in pitch as Simon kept fucking him.

It was rapidly becoming too much, and Robert clenched around him, oversensitive. Simon groaned, his rhythm faltering, and he buried his face in Robert’s neck as he came, gasping words of praise against his throat, the sharp edge of his teeth catching on Robert’s skin.

Robert exhaled as Simon shuddered and then went still. His mind was pleasantly empty of anything except an awareness of the heat of Simon’s body, the weight of it, motionless now save for his thumb stroking back and forth across Robert’s knee.

Simon lifted his head and shook his hair out of his eyes, then bent down to lick into Robert’s mouth, tongue barely dipping inside before he pulled out and rolled onto his back.

“Well, fuck,” Simon said, staring at the ceiling.

Robert hummed and eyed the generous curve of Simon’s mouth, bright red in the lamplight and swollen from Robert’s kisses. His own mouth felt bruised and tender, and he touched his lower lip briefly before stretching his arm above his head, fingers curling against one of the remaining pillows.

Simon’s eyes had closed, and Robert straightened out his legs, wincing as he became aware of all the other places that felt sore and used. It was silent in the room, and his mind was spinning to life again and beginning to wander. Even with Simon outwardly calm and relaxed next to him, Robert could feel a familiar anxiety creeping in, threatening to sour his mood.

Neither he nor Simon had reacted well to the pressures of their prior modest success, and Robert couldn’t help projecting the situation forward. He could sense the upward trajectory The Cure was on, could feel all the music still inside him, waiting to be written. There would be more albums, more tours, more music videos, more promotional appearances, more interviews. It was already laying out like a minefield in Robert’s head, and starting this up again with Simon made it all even more complicated and treacherous. There were so many entanglements—ego, fame, money. There were other relationships that needed tending outside the two of them.

Robert rubbed his hands over his face, exhaling into his cupped palms.

“I thought about this all the time,” Simon admitted suddenly, startling Robert out of his thoughts. “Even when I wanted to bash your face in, I couldn’t stop.”

Robert peered at him over his fingertips. Simon glanced at him, then away, unwilling to hold the eye contact for long.

“Me too,” Robert said, lowering his hands.

Simon really looked at him, then, and Robert bit his lip, feeling a rush of pleasure at their shared confession, an almost giddy relief at the knowledge that for all the hours Robert had spent sifting through the wreckage of their relationship, Simon had done the same. One-sided obsession was a tragic, pitiful state of affairs, and Robert was glad to have avoided it.

And knowing what it was like not to have Simon at all, to fixate in excruciating detail on everything that had gone wrong, Robert was loathe to lose him again. They’d both been fucking idiots, willfully cruel and awful to each other, but Robert was determined not to repeat his mistakes.

“Should I stay?” he asked. That had been their usual routine, Robert in Simon’s room, Simon in Robert’s room, a natural extension of the early days when they had doubled up as a matter of necessary frugality. It had never been a question before, but while the sex tonight had been familiar, this felt uncertain, in need of navigating.

Simon grinned, rolling onto his side to face him. “Yeah, stay.”

Robert smiled back. Turning off the lights plunged the room into total blackness, but they didn’t need to see to find each other in the dark, bodies fitting together with the ease of long practice.

Simon’s fingers stroked lightly across Robert’s palm, to the inside of his wrist, and Robert’s mind went quiet as Simon kissed him.

His mouth ached, but this was the kind of pain Robert welcomed. If it lingered until the morning, if it lingered even longer, that was no hardship at all.

[thiskisscouldcostmylife]

The Top

Pairing: Robert/Simon Summary: December 1983, Robert thinking about Simon, writing his thoughts on a diary. Disclaimer: I don’t own the members of The Cure (sadly). Everything wrote here is just pure fiction.

I wrote this little fanfic an year ago to vent myself about some personal stuff so forgive me if there are some grammar errors. Enjoy… 

16th December 1983,

And so here we are again, struggling to forget what had been and what had not. I’m so sick of this, so fucking much… Even now that I should just be happy for the new album, which gave the band a new kind of look (less “gloomy” I guess), I still can’t forget him, however hard I pretend… I just can’t. We acted like fools. I was too selfish to understand what was happening and he was acting the same way as me, so we ended up not caring about what was going on each other’s minds… and we exploded. I’m so sorry for this… If only I could turn back time, telling him I was sorry for my indifference and that I should have been more understanding towards him. I wasn’t myself during that period honestly. Neither was he. We just pretended to be somebody else. I felt so alienated from everyone and he was growing distant… I was so pissed off for his behavior because I thought he was excluding me from his life, and I couldn’t bear that. “All those moments we shared meant nothing to you” I used to think. That’s one of the reasons why I attacked him that cursed night. I got wild. I shouldn’t have acted like that… The day after I realized what I had done, what a fucking asshole I’ve been to him, I couldn’t even gaze myself in the mirror. He would never forgive me for how I treated him. Oh God…

Sorrow and regrets became my closest friends since that moment. I still feel some sort of lonely, because I feel there’s something missing in my life… and I perfectly know what - or better who - I am missing in it. And my problem is really this. Missing— I can’t even say or just think his name without crying. Every day I act like there’s nothing that could stress me a bit, like I don’t give a single fuck about anything… but the problem is that I do. I do, and I can’t change anything now. I think about going to find him, telling him I need him, telling him I am sorry, but in my head I can just imagine him telling me to go fucking myself.. and he would be right. No day passes without this thought surfing my mind…  and at night this sense of loneliness becomes unbearable. I miss talking with him, laughing, sharing things, with him… I miss him.. so fucking much. I always repeat to myself that there’s something more in this life that could give me some sense of happiness (or at least of lightheartedness) but… I’m not used to be happy without him. I mean.. I find myself faking laughter and smiles which are not sincere at all. Sincerity was reserved just for one special person.. the one with whom I’ve ever felt the need to be sincere. I feel like a ghost, like.. every second that passes… I disappear, feeling my soul slowly dying. Drugs and alcohol aren’t helping me… they made this situation even worse ‘cause they amplified feelings, and I don’t want to feel anything anymore. How much I would like to just rip my heart off my chest and throw it away, to avoid feeling. I know I’m making a fool of myself just thinking about this depressing stuff… but it’s just the way I feel inside. This is terrifying. Every day I worry about how is he, whether is okay or not, if he misses me too, or if he just forgot me. Not seeing him for so long makes me sick. We used to see each others every day, and if it was not every day, we phoned to each others, just to know if the other was fine. I feel like a part of me has gone with him and I don’t think I will have it back. He probably stole my heart… no, not probably… let’s be honest, he definitely stole my heart! And now I feel like having an hole in my chest, which aches for his absence… I cry almost every night for him and what I did to him. It’s better to cry when no one can see me then bursting into tears in front of someone, in order to avoid explaining my situation to people who will probably not understand what it’s happening to me. I started writing this diary because, as he went away, I didn’t have someone to talk to anymore… This is another sign that confirms my struggling towards him. I am fucked up. God I hate all of this.. I guess I should find enough courage to go to him and tell him all I have inside, all these thoughts winding in my head. Maybe this could be a way to have him back with me… but I don’t think this will actually change anything. How could I say what I have inside if I can’t admit it to myself? I’ve already thought about some forms to say what I feel.. but I always end up saying what I want to hide to him… my real feelings, the ones I’ve always kept inside because they were so weird and hard to understand, even for myself. Maybe that’s why I felt alienated and I had been a perfect idiot towards him… because my feelings were growing deeper and stronger and I couldn’t do anything to stop it… and I ended up hating him, with him feeling the same about me. I fucked up everything as usual. A little part of this huge deal is also of him, but I feel like a big failure myself, as a person, but most of all as a friend. I should have treated him better. We should have been better to each others.

… I love you so much.

[thiskisscouldcostmylife]

Kiss Me Goodbye

This fanfic came out from a dream I had as I fell asleep listening to The Same Deep Water as You… and I don’t say nothing more.

Pairing: Robert/Simon (1989) Rate: I don’t know actually… it’s in the form of a letter (and implied suicide sorry).

Hope you like it anyway…

Dear Simon,

When you will read this, I will not be here anymore. I hoped you would have never read this letter and I hoped I could have told you about this before, with you in front of me… but I haven’t found the courage to explain what was going on and I have just kept all inside, pretending that everything was okay… but it wasn’t.. at all. You thought that during these years I still wouldn’t have understood how you felt about us. You were not the only one who cried while we embraced each others under the sheets, cuddling before sleeping.. both of us knew that our story was impossible and people could not accept it as it was. “We shall be together” had been told for too long… too long.. and my heart could not contain all the repressed feelings I had inside. And so I exploded. I’ve been knowing you for a very long time and since the first time I met you I felt like we were made for each others, in every possible way. For the first time I felt.. complete. Together we decided we would have acted like friends when we were with the others, the people. I’ve always loved the brief moments when you pulled me away from the sight of everyone and kissed me till I was sated, feeling you wanting me as I wanted you. I’ve never felt like this with anyone before, neither with Mary.. and in a way I felt bad about it cos she’s the victim of this situation. She’s my best friend and it’s not her fault if her husband is a wanker who loves somebody else… you. Our problems started the night at the restaurant, do you remember? I was next to you and I drank a bit more than usual.. but I thought that was the right moment to make everyone see that our love was nothing to fear.. and so I kissed you. You were surprised of my action.. I thought it was right.. it seemed right. You were still afraid of what people could think of us… I’m still sorry for this.. I fucked up everything as always and I hope you could forgive me someday.

I’ve left you this letter because I want you to know that I did what I did because I can’t go on like this. I want our story to be real. No more secrets, just me and you against the whole world. I want to stay with you and only with you, but you keep on telling me that our story will not work cos people will never understand us, together as we have always dreamed.. So we just keep on acting like close friends.. I don’t want to suffer like this anymore.. I can’t bear it. Seeing you with other people that you don’t love and use just to hide our secret hurts me so much.. I can’t even glance at you. This is what destroys our story.. this and just this.. not the people who judge us.. I want you to be mine, but you just care about what the others would think of you and.. I can’t keep on acting like this anymore.. The very last thing before I went away.. would be kissing you.. but you wouldn’t do this .. you are scared of what the others could say.. and I’m sick of being scared.. You were the reason why I woke up every day, and without you by my side.. life has no point.. However, I don’t want you to feel guilty for my depart.. I’ve been a fucking mess for so long and just now I’ve realized what an idiot I’ve been.. everyone will be okay without me.. I will not torment you with my stupid feelings anymore.. I knew you would never be mine..

Give Mary a kiss and tell her I’m really sorry for the sadness I caused her.. I love you… please forgive me..

Goodbye.

[thiskisscouldcostmylife]

Something More Than This

I don’t know how to rate this ‘cause I haven’t already understood how the rating works. However I think that this could be a R-ish kind of fanfic. Pairing: Robert / Simon  Summary: (’80-’81) Robert and Simon find out that their friendship is something more than what they have always thought (in a few words, it’s the story of their first time). Sorry if there are some mistakes. Hope you like it!

I really don’t know what to think anymore. I feel like I’m falling apart just because I can’t stop thinking about him. I feel guilty for that. We have been friends since the first time we met and we are very attached to each other but… I don’t know. I’ve started to see him under a different light, in a way I could never think I was able to imagine a friend. He has never been an “ordinary” friend for me actually… He is something more. I always thought that Mary was the love of my life, but now I have doubts… I regret having these kind of thoughts. Am I such a despicable person? I don’t know nothing anymore… I have always seen Simon as some kind of attractive but I’ve never let my mind imagining him in a sexual way as I do now… He’s my soulmate: someone with whom I can talk about everything, who is always there to help, someone who I trust more than myself. I think I couldn’t live without him. He’s such a beautiful boy, so nice and his lips are so… No! I should stop thinking about that! I’m just getting ridiculous. He could have loads of women right there to his feet and I - who am I compared with them? - I’m just his weird stupid friend! That’s what I am. How I wish I could say what I feel to him! Every time I’m alone with him I try to encourage myself:  “Come on, Robert! 3 simple words - I love you - and then it’s done”. But whenever I find enough courage to let those words fall out from my mouth, I’m deeply lost into his hazel eyes and the only thing I can think is that I don’t want to lose him just for my stupid thoughts, I don’t want to hurt him. I couldn’t bear it… Therefore I will keep these things for myself. It’s better for him, it’s better for everyone. It will hurt as hell but I don’t want him to suffer for my fault. It will be my secret, my condemnation, my shame… All I have to do now is keep calm and try to focus Simon as my best friend, not as a lover - even if it’s going to be really hard to do.

While I was having this brain-storming, the phone rang. I swallowed hard and I hoped it wasn’t Simon. I wasn’t ready to talk with him (not with these thoughts flying in my head), but I couldn’t leave the phone ringing all night long. So I decided to answer. “Hello?” “…Hi” “…Simon! H-how are you?” “ehm.. Fine! Thanks. And you?” “Not bad…” “…Robert?” “Yes Si?” “I need to tell you something…” “Okay, here I am!” “No, not at the phone… uhn.. I would like to talk with you face to face so… would you mind to come to my house? I know it’s late but I feel the need to talk with you about it. If you can’t, it’s okay…” “Oh, Si. I would do anything for you!…” then I realized what I just said “..No, ehm wait - what?!” “Ahahahah really?” “Don’t misunderstand me! I just… Okay let’s stop here! I take my coat and I will be there in a couple of minutes.” “Okay, I wait for you.” “Fine… see you soon.” I put the phone down, wondering about what Simon wanted to tell me so much. Curiosity filled my thoughts so I took my coat and I run out of my house, wanting nothing but seeing him. I had thought about that “something” he wanted to tell me until I arrived in front of the door of his house. I was putting my finger on the doorbell but Simon opened wide the door, causing me to jump backwards for surprise. “Simon!” “Oh Robert! Come in.” I got into his house and I saw there was no one. There was only Simon, standing in front of me. “Si, what’s up?” “…Not here. Follow me.” He gently took my hand in his and brought me upstairs. His head was lowered, not wanting to meet my eyes.This is something serious - I thought. We got into his bedroom and he made me sit on the bed where he sat next to me, still holding my hand. I tried to catch his eye but he was looking down at his feet. He kept running his thumb on the back of my hand, sending me shivers (and slightly kindling the thoughts I wanted to hide away from him). Silence filled the room and so I took enough courage to speak, sliding my hand away from his and putting it on his shoulder. “Tell me what upsets you. I’m here.” Simon lifted his head and turned to gaze me, with eyes filled with unrest. “It’s just…I don’t know how to tell you this - I really don’t know how to deal with it! I-I…” He took his eyes away from mine and burst into tears. “Oh no, Si!” I said, wrapping my arms around his shoulders, trying to soothe him. “Simon please, don’t cry! I’ll start crying, too! Tell me what makes you feel like this. I want you to be happy! I can’t bear the sight of you being sad for something. Come on! It can’t be that bad…” At that point, he lifted his head and those eyes met mine. I could see the ocean of feelings hidden behind his hazel wet eyes, emotions he couldn’t express with simple words, neither I could. I bring my hand up to wipe the tears on his cheek. At my touch, he smiled and I felt a trembling hand going up and resting on the back of my neck, slightly touching my hair. I shivered. His touch had changed. It was not that friendly touch I used to feel. It was something else. Maybe it’s just me - I told myself. Then Simon opened his mouth to speak but no words came out from it. “Simon…?” “…I-I don’t want to lose you.” he said, looking deep into my eyes. “Neither I want.” “Tell me you would never leave me alone!” “Are you joking? I would Never leave you! You will tolerate me for a very long time, dear!” He snickered with eyes full of tears. “Promise?” “Promise.” “Okay… but there’s something else…” “…Something ..else?” He was quivering. I could feel his fingers trembling on the back of my neck. I’ve never seen Simon so anxious. I caressed his shoulders, trying to calm him. “You can tell me everything, and you know it.” “Robert…” “Yes Si..” “I-I…ugh” “…Simon?” “I… I love you.”

I froze. I couldn’t believe it. Is this real or it’s just fantasy? I was paralyzed. It seemed like having little pieces of ice running through my hot blood while Simon was staring at me, waiting for an answer. “…Robin?” “…y-yeah?” “Say something, please…” I was thinking about every possible way to express him my love, but there was just one thing that could show him what I felt about it. I slid my hands from his shoulders to the back of his head, feeling goosebumps raising. I placed my right hand behind his ear and I put my left hand on the back of his neck. Still gazing into his eyes, I pushed myself towards Simon and I slightly opened my lips, waiting for his to part. He tilted his head to get closer to my mouth and we closed our eyes and delicately touch each other’s lips. We were both trembling like leaves for the new sensation that was pervading us. My desire for him was growing so I decided to push myself further in. I brought my mouth nearer to Simon’s one, who had his eyes still closed. His lips were parted and, closing my eyes again, I inserted my tongue between them, feeling the warmth of his delicious mouth. He opened wide it to get me deeper and I felt his tongue caressing mine as we twined in each other’s lust. It was just like a dream, the most delightful and sweet dream I’ve ever experienced. We were kissing, slowly and deeply, tasting each other. I cried tears of pure joy and our tears met the kiss. I felt his hand reaching out and his fingertips delicately brushed my cheek, then went down to my chin, then further down, feeling his long fingers running on my neck, leaving goosebumps and making me sigh into his mouth. As I felt the sheets with my left hand, I realized I was lying on my back, with Simon on the top of me. He left my mouth and started to place wet kisses on my neck and collarbone, slowly opening my shirt. I felt something pressing hard in my groin and I knew what it was. “Simon!” I gasped, grabbing his shoulders. “Don’t worry… Everything will be okay.” he whispered in my ear, soothing me. He slowly kissed my chest, running his lips down to my belly. Closing my eyes, I unconsciously tilted my head back and I bended my legs, parting them to let Simon get closer to my body. I shivered as I felt his right hand unbuttoning my trousers. That was all new for me. After unbuttoning me, he put both his hands on the waistband and, with a quick motion, moved down my trousers and underpants. His eyes widened, and mine too. I was scared. Fantasy is so different from reality. My heart was hammering against my chest, my veins were throbbing in my temples. I knew my feelings from him and what I would have liked to do with him but actually… I wasn’t ready for it. Contrariwise, he was. He finished to take off my pants and trousers, throwing them on the floor. Then he grabbed my hands and made me sit on the bed, pushing my back against the bedpost. Still sitting on my lap, he placed both his hands on my shoulders and he slowly slid them from my upper arms to my wrists, depriving me of the shirt and throwing it away like the rest of my clothing. “You’re so gorgeous, Robin.” he said before crushing his mouth against my neck, licking my bare skin. I moaned as he started to suck tenderly the skin behind my left ear and I rested my hands on his upper back, feeling myself near to lose control. Then he stood up on his knees and, still looking down at me, took off his white t-shirt and threw it somewhere in the room. I was completely smitten by the vision of his beautiful and slightly muscled body facing me. I scanned every centimeters of his exposed flesh, wanting nothing but to kiss it and feel it brushing against mine. Then my eyes fell on his erection constrained in his black leather trousers. “Oh God!” were the words that escaped from my mouth as I opened my eyes wide for that stunning sight. “Like what you see?” he asked me with a sly grin. I looked up at him almost worried as I swallowed hard. I couldn’t believe he fed such a strong desire for me. I was speechless. Still staring at me, he put his hands on my waist to hold himself up and made his legs pass between mine, sliding his body along my sensitive skin as I half-closed my eyes, enjoying that soft sensation. All of a sudden I felt strong hands grabbing the back on my thighs, dragging me on the center of the bed. I gasped loudly and then I felt Simon’s hands running from my knees to the inside of my thighs. As his hands arrived to where I was burning most, he forced my legs to widen and I immediately stopped him grabbing his wrists, feeling tension running through my body. “Simon! W-what do you want to do?!“ I told him nervously (I was really worried about his intentions). He looked at me and then said with a soft tone: “Keep calm. I don’t want to hurt you, really. If you don’t like it, then I will stop. Okay? Just relax.” I trusted him so I released his wrists. While I was placing my hands above my head, he took my ankles and slowly bended my legs, laying my feet on the bed. As I looked down at my folded spread legs, I saw Simon’s face in front of my pubes as I felt his hands grabbing my hips tightly to keep them still. Knowing too well what would have happened, I tried to calm myself and I looked up to the ceiling, closing my eyes and grasping the pillow under my head. And that was the moment when I understood how much love there was between us, how much passion was in it and from that moment nothing would have been the same. A sudden soft heat pervaded me completely. His tongue was making me scream as if there was no tomorrow. I felt his cheeks brushing between my inner thighs, his face completely buried in them and his mouth incessantly sucking my organ, feeling myself closer and closer to release. He reduced me to a moaning mess as he started to run his hands all over my body still curling his tongue along my cock. My hand involuntary found their way on my body, feeling warm hands all over. I was painting hard and then I felt my stomach tightening. “Si-ah… ooh-I’m…aaah” I wanted to tell him that I was close but I couldn’t speak. Strangely he understood what I meant with those noises as he held my hips tighter and run his mouth up and down faster and faster. “Aaahh-Si-.. ah-AAHHH” I moaned loudly as I took hold with both hands his hair, feeling them tickling between my fingers while the toes of my feet were curling. With a last scream, I came explosively into his mouth, feeling such an orgasm I would never be able to forget. Then everything became black.

As I opened my eyes, I looked around to see where I was. It was morning and I was still at Simon’s house. I was naked, under the sheets of his bed - together with him, who had fallen asleep on me, his right cheek resting on my left collarbone. Trying to wake him up, I moved myself slowly and then I placed my hands on his shoulders, turning my head to face him. “Simon?… Si?… We have to get up.” Simon opened slightly his eyes to meet my gaze. “No. Just 5 minutes, please… You’re so comfortable” he replied as his hands found their way to my back. “Si, I should go home. My parents don’t even know where I am gone. Maybe they are worried for my absence.” “But I don’t want you to go away. Not now, not yet…” he told me, his face aligned to mine. “But Si, they will put me in chastisement for a week for this and you know it.” “…ugh okay. So what about calling them? You can use my telephone to tell them it’s all okay.” “Uhm, yeah. I hope they will not get angry for my unexpected escape.” “Escape? Ahah, nice term!” he snickered as his mouth came down to meet mine, slowly savoring each other’s laughter. Then Simon broke the kiss and stood up from the bed, leaving me slightly cold. He took the telephone and jumped back on the bed, slipping under the sheets again and handing me his telephone. “Come on. Call them.” How the hell could I talk serenely with my mother while I was lying under the sheets with my best friend who had just become my lover (and with whom I had sex)? She would have found out what I had done as if she had super powers - like all the mothers (they have a 6th sense for these kind of things…). Anyway I found enough courage to take the phone handset and did my number of home. After a few seconds. “Hello?” “Mom? It’s me, Robert.” “Where are you, dear?” She called me “dear”. This is worse than I thought - I told myself. “I’m at Simon’s. Last night he called me because he was mad for something and so I went to him. Don’t worry. I’ll come back early.” “Uhm, okay. Salute Simon and his family for me. See you soon.” “Okay, soon. Bye!” and I put down the phone handset, breathing out abruptly. Simon came closer to me, climbing on the top of me as he leaned to whisper in my ear “Do you have to come back home right now?” “Yes. Si, I’m sorry…” I replied him with a sad tone, my hands resting on his waist. “No, don’t be worry about that… It’s okay.” He told me, trying to disguise his rancor. “Hey, Si?…” I put my finger under his chin to tilt his face, gazing into his eyes as I continued “We can meet each other tonight. What do you think about it?” His eyes glittered when he heard my words and he answered me with a soft voice “I think.. it’s a very good idea!” As I stood up from the bed, we took our clothes spread all over the floor of his room and dressed up. Simon silently opened the door and put his head outside the room to see if there were someone at home. “None of them has come back yet” he told me as he grabbed my hand and pull me in the hallway. We found our way to the main door. Simon slowly opened it, letting the rays of light crashing on our faces. But then he closed it abruptly as he took me hold and pushed me against the door, leaning closer to my body. “I need you, Robin” he breathed in my ear as he placed his hands on my waist, slowly going upwards. “Si- “ I tried to speak but my mouth was kept busy by a passionate hot kiss. He run his hands up and down along my body and suddenly grabbed my arse, squeezing it. “Ah! Si!” I moaned trying to push him away. “What’s up?” he replied “You don’t like it?” “No-I mean- Yes! I like it, but not now! I have to go home… Can we just wait for tonight?” I asked him, praying he would be fine. “Ugh - okay, as you wish.” he told me, letting me free from his grip. Then leaned closer again to whisper in my ear “You can’t even imagine what I would do to you tonight.” “Uhm, sounds interesting…” I replied disguising my excitement. “You will see…” he told me as he opened the door to let me get out of his house. “Is that a threat, Mr. Gallup?” I asked him joking. “No. It’s a promise, Mr. Smith.” he replied closing the door in front of my face and leaving me sink deep in a world made of lust.