If you need to hear this,
I can’t tell you how or why it would be different with other people, but it will, if you let it. At one point not too long ago I had lost all hope of letting someone get close to me or of ever getting close to someone again.
This led me to do things subconsciously to push new people away, I would find the smallest things to write them off as the rest. I closed myself, much like you do, it sounds like. This went on for a long time until the summer before my senior year of college.
I allowed myself to have a new experience (like I suggest you do). Through that I met a group of people. They were wonderful, but I wouldn’t get close to them because I had it in my mind that they too would leave me or hurt me or let me down.
However, although it wasn’t easy, having gone through that new experience together and realizing my own self sabotaging behavior of pushing people away, slowly but surely they made me see that if I was willing to put int the work, they would put in their efforts too.
This isn’t an overnight switch. It took a lot of me to trust people again and to be open, I still struggle with it. Even so, I try my best. Slowly, I’ve realized that they are not perfect and most importantly, neither am I. So, I am forgiving of people and of me. Now, I consciously try to open to life as much as I can. I still have a long way to go but I’m excited. I hope that soon you can feel this way too.
Ours,
C. Alien