#cursedtxt

[cursedepub]

i can't believe that this morning i got up and went to work my job as a graphic designer instead of throwing it all away to embark on a hazardous and morally questionable scientific undertaking to probe the forbidden secrets of undeath and rebirth at the cost of my very soul etc

[cursedepub]

fellow goth transmacs do you ever read monstrous regiment, 31st novel in the discworld series by the late sir terry pratchett, and become consumed by thoughts of renaming yourself "maladict" every waking moment since putting the book down

[cursedepub]

i am reading/listening to tamsyn muir's short story "undercover" from the into shadows collection and between this and the locked tomb series, i am really glad she is out here writing truly riveting s-tier weird fiction for us insane people.

[cursedepub]

being Me in the year 2024 and actually Happy and even perhaps a little excited on Halloween feels........... unusual but good! i am not a big celebrator of any event or holiday but this October I have read 4 horror/thriller novels, have been following Ghost Files, have done a couple of watch parties of Youtube horror, and have plans to watch a horror film with my friend later... and it is the first time I have gotten to spend time really enjoying and making real time for spooky season in ages. I am wearing a shirt patterned with ghosts today.

[cursedepub]

not to make the most stereotypical, basic post ever but why does it feel like every monday lasts 10 days....

[cursedepub]

lily v lost in the loom on irem and seeing all the different possibilities of the future of the neath pass before her eyes as the tapestry is woven and unwoven, experiencing all the pain, shame, anger, hunger, longing, and bloodlust of her alternate possible selves, walking through the deepest abyss and the most blinding high wilderness and the glassy mirror-worlds, killing and being killed, her body destroyed and remade again and again: hold on guys. i need to start making notes. for like, science. let me go and do it again so i can document it this time.

[cursedepub]

i just realised that i have been picturing this incarnation of FL lily with long hair tied/pinned up (since it has grown during her year-long hibernation) but with curly tendrils let down on one side... IE HER ORIGINAL HAIRSTYLE BACK BEFORE SHE EVEN KILLED HER DAD.... wtf..... i cannot believe it.

FL lily's hair progression has been:

long unkempt hair from several months in new newgate

chopped to shoulder length w/ comma bangs and worn down (early to mid-game)

chopped further to her iconic chin-length curly bob, trimmed at irregular intervals (end of ambition, railway, start of evolution)

she slumbered for a year for reasons yet unknown to her while her hair grew

long hair tied into a small knot/bun/etc and skewered with a hairpin + one extra tendril

i am honestly truly shocked my brain generated this image of her with her ancient hairstyle from 10 years ago before she even became who she is now. damn.

[cursedepub]

lily's thoughts and moods upon reawakening in fallen london:

more pissed and irritable, especially with having lost a year of time. less sense of humour. her choleric-melancholic is showing.

impatient with daily regular life - she can tolerate it for short periods at a time but being amongst the "normies" of london is beginning to bore her given what she has gone through. even feeling superior isn't as fun anymore.

conflicted about Evolution - i think if there is a choice to be presented that only the Youthful Naturalist gets to be immortal just to escape the fate of being the Boatman, that's what she will go for. this isn't something she was ever interested in pursuing otherwise. but she really, really believes in his right to choose life, and his own life in particular.

there is a part of her that keeps kind of going back to the end of Ambition: Nemesis, which is the end of the previous chapter of her life. there is a part of her that feels the need to destroy everything that connects her to the past so she can really start moving forward - wait this actually sounds extremely relevant to the themes of Evolution as a story. i think she is probably reflecting a lot about how, for her, it's not like she can just turn a key and cast off her old skin and flesh. i think she is itching and uncomfortable that after everything, she's still lily vaswani. it doesn't seem fair somehow.