VI - Doubts
The sixth part, the one with the shortest title.
This is the chapter where I learnt a vague timeline is the shortest path to lose track of time when the chapters are written more than a couple of months apart. No need to overthink it. Not. Think it through! Better safe than sorry.
Part VII will take a while. It’s not written and I don’t have the time to write it now. Sorry :<
And many thanks to @the13thprince and @bastafunk for beta reading.
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Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | ...
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Fandom: Frozen Pairing: Elsa x Nikolai Rating: SFW Chapter: 6 of 10
Summer was slowly leaving Arendelle and the days had become shorter and colder as Autumn took its place. That mattered little to the outdoorsy Anna, who summoned Nikolai to meet her in the garden, yet something felt odd. The princess would usually just come to find me. Was he thinking too highly of himself? The possibility made Nikolai quickly discard that strange feeling.
He was not wrong. The moment he laid eyes on the princess he noticed she was not her usual self. Etiquette dictated he should wait for her to address him, but seeing the fiery princess so listless he couldn’t withhold himself:
“Is everything alright Princess?”
“There’s nothing wrong, wrong. But everything's not alright either.” Anna smiled joylessly. “You can tell?”
“I can when the most cheerful person I know is so quiet. I can lend an ear if you want to tell me about it. It was why you called, was it not?”
“It was. And I want to and don’t want to, at the same time.” She was finding it hard to put what troubled her into words. “Talk about it, I mean.”
“Princess, like you kept my secret I will keep to me whatever you say. You can trust me to listen to your every word. No lectures this time.” Nikolai reached for her hand and held it in between his. “Because you made me your friend and that’s what friends do.” Her expression softened.
“What friends do. What sisters do. I understand those. I learned so much but I still don’t know everything about love.” She paused as the knot in her chest began to unravel. “What lovers do. I was so sure the first time. Too sure. But the mask shattered and it was all but an illusion. What I thought I loved was never there. With Kristoff it’s all so clear but... Nikolai, how do you know? How do you know without any doubt that you love someone?”
It’s about Kristoff then.
“There isn’t a single answer for that I’m afraid.” Nikolai knew enough about love to know that. He also knew that wasn’t helpful in the least. Love is both simple and complicated. Knowing you’re in love mostly comes with knowing yourself. Or the occasional accident to make it dawn on you. Well, that might be just me. What was left for him to do was to convey it and, perhaps, work his words to be the little accident the princess needed.
“Princess, no one ever knows everything about love. No matter how much they’ve loved. It takes so many shapes, answers to no reason and, above all, what it means is slightly different for everyone.” As for how you know... he prepared to say when the princess words struck him. Wait. The princess doubts about Kristoff. It can’t be that wretched traitor still lingers in her heart? Nikolai chilled at the thought. “Princess, could it be you are in love with the Prince of the Southern Isles?” Escaped his lips before he managed collect himself.
“Wait, what? Oh, no, no, no. This isn’t about him at all. I know I mentioned him, but it’s not like I had that many suitors to compare to. Closed gates, remember? I am not in love with him.” She stated, mildly vexed with Nikolai’s slip of the tongue.
“What troubles me is that I am not in love with Kristoff either.”
The huff quieted as quick at it rose and the princess continued, only her eyes drifted from Nikolai and wandered beyond the garden.
“He is so sweet. A bit rough around the edges, but nevertheless he’s sweet. Also honest. Well, blunt is the word really but he means well. Most of the time. It’s just…”
“It’s just?” Nikolai tried to encourage.
“It’s just, whenever I’m caught up in the rush inside the castle before a ball. The fast-paced preparations, from the food to be served to the flowers on the halls and the guest rooms arrangements. The arrival of the guests. Oh, so many strange yet beautiful costumes and languages I only ever read about. One day I want to be the one to travel to those distant kingdoms.” A sigh ended the excitement overflowing into her words. “I lose myself in all that and, even though he is always there, I know he prefers when there are far less people. But he’s still there for me. He bears with it and never fails to take my hand and pull me for a dance, flawlessly wearing the formal attire I gave him crowned with his biggest smile. Still, I can feel in the way moves that he is happier when we practice, just the two of us, in the empty hall.”
With the knot loosened she faced Nikolai.
“It’s not that we come from different places, it’s that we are different people and, most of all, that we want different things. If I am to follow my dreams, one day Kristoff may have to abandon what he loves to follow me. I don’t want that. I don’t love him enough to to ask that of him. Not how he deserves to be loved. Not in the same way he loves me. Nikolai, I can’t marry him knowing this. So, “Tears began flooding her eyes.” I broke off the engagement with Kristoff.”
Nikolai misunderstood, the princess never had any doubts. Her question had been an attempt to prove herself wrong. Anna might not be in love with Kristoff but he knew she held him dear. He was so dear to her she could not allow him to put her needs before his. Not when she could not grant him the same love in return. She rather hurt than betray him. Nikolai noted as he gently tried to dry the princess tears with his gloved hands. A friend would hug her, and so he did. To hell with conventions.
“Thank you Nikolai.”
“It’s what friends do, Princess.”
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Anna had one last request before they parted in the garden. Nikolai was on his way to fulfill it. It was fortunate that he managed to catch Rolf, who was off duty that afternoon, and ask him to cover the end of his shift. Rolf promptly agreed, joking it had to be serious for a straight arrow like Nikolai to evade his duty. It was serious. Never take a broken heart lightly. Was something his mother taught him. And this was Kristoff’s first love.
He had hoped not to find the ice harvester there, but there he was, sitting alone at a table in the corner of the tavern, a mug of beer in front of him. Most men had an affinity with alcohol when life played tricks on them, it appeared the lad was no different. On the bright side, had he not come here, finding him would’ve been a lot harder.
“Kristoff, may I sit here?” Nikolai pointed at the stool at his side, noticing then the young man hadn’t touch a drop of his beer. He doesn’t want to forget.
“I will assume you don’t usually visit taverns in the middle of the afternoon. You already know don’t you? So, were you ordered to check on me?” The spite was palpable in the air.
“You would be right. Yes, I do know. And I was asked, not ordered. Mind if I sit here?”
“Why are you are you here? You don’t have to do all that Anna asks you to.” There was a slight crack in Kristoff’s hostile tone and Nikolai caught on it.
“True, I don’t have to. I do it because the princess is my friend. So are you, and that’s why I am here. Can I sit?”
“Would you go away if I said no?” Kristoff looked Nikolai in the eyes.
“No.” Nikolai admitted gently. “You should know that. Do I have to ask again?”
“Why are you even asking?” And rolling his eyes at Nikolai still figure, “Just sit already.” Kristoff begrudgingly agreed and returned his attention to the mug.
“Weighing if it will make it better? You’ll need more than one for it to work and it will cost you tomorrow. In the morning you’ll feel a lot worse.”
“Speaking from experience?” Kristoff retorted in a mildly sarcastic but mostly indifferent manner.
“As matter of fact I do. The reason was not that different from yours.” The admission visibly spiking Kristoff interest. “I was seventeen, brokenhearted and to heal it in a tavern was sadly a one night cure that, the next day, made death a comfortable prospect.”
“You’re really going to leave it that?” Kristoff grumbled. “I was young, got my heart broken and made a bad choice that made me feel worse?”
“I suppose I can tell you the rest.” A story for another. It was fair, if he was there to get Kristoff to talk, that he would share something too.
It was an old story. An eleven year old one. The story of Nikolai’s first love:
“She was a good friend. A couple of years older. Her knowledge of tales and lore rivaled my mother’s and she was truly a master storyteller, so we spent a lot together. Her world was much bigger than mine as she belonged to a family of travelers. Unfortunately, that meant the day she had to leave would come and, a year a and a half after she first set foot in Arendelle, it did. Her goodbye was a kiss on the lips, the sun had barely risen, and I was so stunned it only dawned on me that I loved her on that afternoon, when I didn’t find her camp. The tavern was my next stop and, besides my sad state the next morning, my parents let me taste hell for a few weeks. It actually helped, I was too sore to care about my sorrow. I suspect that was why they were so hard on me. To distract me.” Nikolai was surprised with the fondness he recalled those times. He still missed her. Specially the manner she spoke his name, Niklas! but he was no longer sad. Time does heal.
“You never told her how you felt?”
“Never got to. I never saw her again.”
“Somehow that makes it worse.” Kristoff muttered.
“Are you talking about me, or about yourself Kristoff?” Nikolai wondered.
“I… You got me.” The lad caved in. “This hurts like hell but it doesn’t come close to when I thought I’d lost her. If I never got to tell Anna I would have to feel like that for who knows how long.” He let out a sad restrained laugh. “In the end I got to feel miserable anyway but I was happy first. Happy with her.” Noticing Nikolai stare. “Alright! So we’re different. I’m not exactly social and she loves to host balls with never-ending guest lists. While it’s pretty set that ice is my life, hers is, well, she is still figuring that one out. It may involve traveling to other kingdoms. Not a problem. I want to be with her.”
“Even if it meant to leave what you love behind?” Nikolai knew firsthand denial could be a very powerful emotion.
“She told me as much. I won’t know if we don’t try.” The words rang true but Kristoff’s voice betrayed his own doubt. Deep down he knew Anna was right. That’s why he felt so defeated.
“Sometimes we do know.” Like a guard in love with his queen.
“It still hurts. Even if I know I can’t turn off my love for her.”
“Even if you could you wouldn’t, would you? ” Otherwise you would’ve drank not only that beer but a few more already, yet the beer remained untouched on the table.
“You’re worse than Sven, you know.” He sullenly chaffed Nikolai.
“That sounds like a compliment coming from you.” Nikolai was almost sure it was. “Talking about Sven, I still owe him a bag of carrots. I know just the person who can take care of that and take away a bit of the weight on your heart. Get up, you’re coming with me.” In a second Nikolai was up and turning for the door. Anna’s brashness had rubbed off on him. “Give that to the old man at the counter. I will get you another when you’re in the right mood to drink.”
Kristoff was so stupefied he did exactly as Nikolai told him, much to the latter relief. Outside they were greeted with darkening skies. I hope Ida has enough for two more. It wasn’t like him to drop unexpected, then again, nothing that day had been expected so he wasn’t about to dwell on it. A hot supper and Ida’s boisterous temper might be just what Kristoff needed.
The young man walked silently beside him. As the now closed pastry shop arose on their line of sight, Nikolai thought best to break that silence:
“We’re going to my brother’s house.” Nikolai knew he had heard of Lars and Ida from Anna and Olaf. However Kristoff had yet to meet them in person. He never got to visit the shop with the princess due to both their duties. “Ida will likely pester you with a few questions about your family. Lars might have told her one too many legends. I hope you can forgive her.”
“I have quite a few stories. Nothing legend material though.” Instead of bothered Kristoff sounded a bit bashful.
“It’s here.” Nikolai indicated as the two passed by the storefront. He then turned into the alley behind it, with Kristoff after him, and knocked on the the door. A man roughly Nikolai’s height and a noticeably rounder build answered. Under the light that came from the inside, his hair shone lighter than Nikolai’s but his eyes bore a deeper tone of green and, though the older man had a larger face, his features were unmistakably similar to his younger brother’s.
Before any introductions Nikolai decided it was better to warn his brother of the motive behind their sudden visit. Casual references to the princess were to be avoided. After a short low key exchange, which Lars disguised with a loud reassurance that there was enough food, the older brother welcomed Kristoff with a bear hug that almost smothered the ice harvester. He didn’t see that coming. Nikolai choked his laughter at the young man’s surprised look. He couldn’t wait to watch how it would grow as Kristoff figured out the gap between his and Lars’ personalities. Not to mention Ida. Kristoff will have his hands full with her.
As he closed the door and climbed the stairs, following the other two, Nikolai thought of what was to come. He was certain this would bring about a big change. He just wasn’t able to guess what it would be nor that it would affect him too.
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