Sometime, in the future, whether close or distant, I will want an energetic love. I'll long for splashing in fountains and laughing too loudly in the super market. Sloppy kisses that miss their marks and hands held at odd angles because the physical comfort isn't as important as being together. To be tangled up with someone, their elbow jabbing me in the stomach and my arm falling asleep beneath their weight. I'll want someone who can fight with me about silly things like what classifies as a sandwich but lets it slide when I forget to change the roll in the bathroom. I'll want someone worth making it work for a while. Someone I'll seperate with because we've had what fun we could before all turned into catchphrases and call and response. Who I leave with a hug and a bittersweet smile after all our dates become habit instead of adventure. I will want to have fun while it lasts, taking my favorite pieces of them with me into my next home. Letting our inside jokes be all that is entirely ours as I begin to learn from my next love, taking all I learned from them with me. I will want someone who inspires me and creates with me and looks better under neons and fluorescents than sunlight and dimly glowing lamps and looks best when they fall flat on the ground laughing their head off.
But right now. I want to hold and be held in silence, a comfortable, imperfect quietness broken by breath and heartbeat. Something mathematical and routine. Warm and content with space to contemplate unquestioned. I want to ask and be asked what's being thought of and unmoving silence to be answer enough. I want to live quietly and peacefully with someone who talks about science and nature more than anything else. Quiet, unquestionable things that just make sense. I want us to be safe within our unanswering nature, with space to wonder about things we cannot explain with words. I want to ask them a question and see them respond by carefully planning a trip to somewhere that I can see the answer so that I may fully understand. I want us to talk without looking at eachother, and look at eachother without thinking. To never fully associate them with their voice but to know it by heart. I want us to pass eachother quietly with a hand brushed against the others back. I don't want to know them in their entirety or associate them with anything but rain and warmth and comfort and silence. And when we part, I don't want it to be any different than the warmth and comfort and silence that we have known with eachother. I long for it to be simply because it is time. For a new sort of comfort, a different form of love. Because of new opportunities, a new calling that pulls us gently from eachother. And I want to see it coming. I want us to be together in our comfortable silence until our last days together, as the keys are handed back to the landlords, as we walk down the drive to our cars. And then, I want to look at them, one final time. I want to speak as I look at them, and I want them to do the same. So we may finally be whole people, un-abstracted to eachother. With flaws and perfections and loves all our own. To live together as abstract lights of yellow and soft orange, the gentle warmth of flames, and to part as people who barely recognize eachother as such a thing.
I want to see them again, years later, with a haircut I don't like and wrinkles I don't recognize. When we are both doing well, in good health and living happily and comfortably enough. When we can create things we're proud of and that other people like too, when we have new loves that have changed who we were into someone entirely new except by our kindness and our thoughtful pauses. I want us to have a coffee and some small talk, and I want to be left amazed by how much we can change over the years. I want to wonder how much I've changed too. I know they don't notice their differences, I know that I'll remember them as separate people. And I know that it will be a comforting thought that such change is possible. To see with new clarity that our growth is permanent despite all its setbacks.
I long to have something good enough to end.