I’m all ears all eyes - sooooo yakuza!daichi you said 😻
I just think he's *rubs hands together* neat.
He's known for being responsible, right? He's the dad figure of the group. He's the man with the plan. Canonically, he's a do-gooder- but his personality type would carry a lot of those same traits over into the opposite corners of the moral alignment spectrum, too.
He'd still be the responsible dad figure who keeps everyone in order and the business operating top tier. The Crows would be the family with the most respectable "business" tactics, as far as respectable illegal activity can go. He doesn't do unnecessary conflict or juvenile behavior, nor does he allow his men to act like boys.
He's so delusional, Nana, about his lifestyle.
Mutual pining with Yakuza boss!Daichi is dumbfounding, because he doesn't understand your apprehension here!
You keep saying you're crazy about him and that you *do* want him too, you're just scared of the dangers that come with involving yourself in his life.
Meanwhile, he's convinced that you couldn't be any safer in the world than with him, as his girlfriend.
😮💨🥴
Who would mess with Sawamura Daichi, after all?
You're protected by not only the most powerful man in the city, but every meticulously edified crow on his wire.
Just let him spoil you *sigh* It's not like he's gonna' give up unless you can really look him in the eyes and tell him you want him to.
i said in this post that i have original characters and backstories for neil's extended family. it took me,, a really long time to write it all down. it's been a full month since the original post, and this is still just a run through of things, not full prose, which i might be interested in doing one day but not anytime soon
now, some things to note about what i'm writing, why, and how. methodology, basically. this might not have come through yet in my posts, because i just don't post about my half-finished ideas, but i research a LOT. i like to base what i write about on real life, even if it's just headcanons and fanfic
also, i love helping people with research, so if anyone wants help with research for a fic or just their personal headcanons or anything hit me up!!
as a white person who wants to write characters from different ethnic backgrounds, i feel i have a responsibility to really do my due diligence and research as much as possible to consider things from every angle. and part of that for me is making sure that every character of color has a backstory. they don't just appear somewhere, i have to give them a reason for being there and a story for how they got there, even if that's not what i write their STORY about. people, come from places, basically. i follow a lot of demographic census information and population averages, as well as a lot of history, from as general as transatlantic trade in the last 500 years to as specific as the changes in a single city in a certain year
talking to other writers in the fandom i know i'm a little overzealous, but this is what gives me peace of mind to feel like i am putting the effort in to get things right
so anyway, as for what that means here:
i like writing neil as mixed black/jewish. it works well thematically for his character, as well as just what FEELS right for how i visualize him in my head
only, that can't simply come from nowhere. we know who his parents are. they need to also be poc for neil to be one, and they're a complicated pair to handle in that lens
one choice i made about that, for multiple reasons, is that everything about neil's parents' backgrounds should mirror each other. it can't simply be that one if them is black and one is jewish, or even that mary is both and nathan is white, because that says something i don't want to say any way you slice it. additionally, i want both facets of his ethnicity to be important to neil, and i feel as though he would want to ignore the half of himself from his father.
so: they both have to be mixed, giving them a sort of,, ideological equal footing, as it were. that way, i can also write three different experiences, rather than accidentally implying that This is what being black is, or This is what being jewish is, or This is what being mixed is. and that's also important to me, even if it's just in my head or not even directly addressed. it's still a big consideration of mine anytime i write about any of them
now, finally, onto mary and nathan! i'll put it below a cut because this is already long enough, the under-the-cut is much longer, and i don't want to wear out your thumbs if you don't care
mary hatford
canon timeline, neil was born in 1988. as a tentative number let's say mary was around 30 when he was born, meaning she would be born in the 50s. say her parents were roughly the same age, so they were born around the 20s
like i said, what's happening where in history is very important to me for building these backstories, and major historical events tend to have a lot of influence on population shifts. and well,, jews and europeans in the early-to-mid 20th century? there's no getting around involving world war II. nothing explicit, but it is mentioned and part of the story
mary’s paternal family are the hatfords. they're from the british west indies, largely jamaica, but they've been involved with shipping and trade all over the trans-atlantic region for generations.
they have a complicated relationship with the british empire, having both worked for them and against them at various points, sometimes both at once. similarly, they've tried multiple times through the generations to relocate the family to england permanently, but have been turned away or pressured out
they associate england and the british empire with power, and they both disagree with and desire that power in degrees which vary person to person. they do have a general idea between them though that living in england is a sign of status and authenticity, and while they don't want to leave jamaica permanently they do want their center of power to be in england, and there is a deep resentment against the anglos for not allowing them to stay permanently despite their wealth and influence, the fact that their work will always be looked down on and seen as lesser
i did come into building the hatfords with the primary idea of them being black british, and looking into the organized crime connection second. them being jamaican/west indies is a reference to the jamaican posse, who have a large presence in the london crime scene, although that's really the only connection. the hatfords aren't really yardies in any sense
the hatfords' status as organized crime is a little iffy. mostly they skirt the line between legal and illegal, owning legal trading companies and doing plenty of legal shipping. their main business in the criminal underworld is being middlemen moving supplies for other groups. they have a lot of contacts, and they serve an invaluable role in international smuggling, but they rarely get their own hands dirty. they move things from one place to the other and don't question too much what it is, though they don't deal in people
mary's father is named samuel hatford (first name in reference to samuel bellamy, the gentleman pirate king of the early 18th century). he was born in England, raised largely in Jamaica, then moved back to England as a teenager/young man. he's light-hearted and a bit idealistic for someone from a crime family, seeing the best in people even when they're cold and often believing in principle over profit, which at times put him in conflict with what's best for business
he almost enlisted in world war II, but instead convinced the family to work as weapons and supplies runners supporting the Allies and guerilla resistance groups
mary's mother is named cima ben nahman (ladino/judeo-spanish/sephardic names, doesn't really reference anything or anyone in particular). She's is an algerian jew. Born in algeria (city undecided, though algiers had the largest jewish community at the time), she moved to france for a few years as a young woman, probably for education. she joined anti-fascist organizations which became resistance groups once germany invaded
she's stoic, and has a ruthless mind for strategy. like most algerian jews, she's caught between her home country and its colonizer. the french empire played the algerian muslim majority against the jewish minority as a way to create infighting and distract the algerians from uniting and turning against them, but the algerian jews also then became reliant on the french for protection. (it's a really, really complicated situation)
cima sort of hates them both, both algeria and france. her only allegiance is to being jewish
(contrast this to samuel, who feels that he is BOTH british and caribbean, even when those two identities may be in conflict)
cima and samuel met when samuel provided weapons and supplies to cima's militia group. he took particular interest in them and went out of his way to help, above and beyond the other groups the hatfords were supplying
in the waning period of the war, cima was seriously injured, i'm currently thinking a land mine accident. she survived, but her recovery was slow. she lost an arm and had burns across half her torso, neck, and face. samuel brought her to england supported her through her recovery. in the hospital, they spoke a lot about why they each chose to fight, and the ways they did because neither were formal soldiers fighting for a country. samuel was in many ways fighting for an ideal, while cima was fighting for her people. cima also talked to him a lot about judaism and religion during this time, which samuel took an interest in. eventually, cima decided to stay
they got married. samuel converted, which was somewhat controversial with his family. however, cima agreed to join the family business, where she became an integral but sometimes ruthless member. after algerian independence, she brought some of her trusted family and community into the fold as well, some moving to england and others to france
both cima and samuel believed very heavily in responsibility, though what it meant for each of them was different. cima believed in preparedness and follow-through, samuel believed in family and protection, doing what's right outside of the bounds of the law. this contributed a lot to how they raised their children
when they were born, mary and stuart were raised in england (and i like to think they have an oldest brother). the hatfords were a big family, and influential, although careful about balancing the legal and less-legal sides of their business. the ben nahmans were smaller, and most of them were in france so mary and her brothers saw them less often. they were raised very religiously and culturally jewish, though close with the caribbean side of their family too, as well as being the first generation who were born and raised in england. this put them at a cross-section of three very different cultures, and was where mary first learned about changing and blending in with different groups
mary was the youngest and a little bit spoiled by her father, aunties, and uncles. her mother however was much less tolerant of her. clearly very affected by her time in the war, cima became extremely distrustful and suspicious, and tried to instill in her children a similar sentiment of secrecy and self-sufficiency, avoiding attention and casual relationships. she could be harsh on them, especially mary, who was the most resistant to this
growing up, mary was irresponsible and fun-loving, goading her brothers and cousins, getting in trouble, and starting fights. she didn't understand the tenuous balance of being organized crime, and at times put the whole family at risk by overestimating their sway. her mistakes affected the whole family but it was usually her mother who confronted her about them first and most harshly
she resented her mother's control, and didn't understand the reasons behind it. she also couldn't differentiate between the boundaries her mother sets as a result of her own trauma, and the necessary boundaries she set for the safety of the family, viewing them as one and the same, and leading her to hate any kind of control exerted over her
really, a lot of cima's character is just who mary ends up becoming after being married to nathan and being on the run. i like the story of a child becoming the parent they once hated. rather than learn from her mother, both her failures and her successes, mary becomes her, doomed to make the same mistakes. this is also why cima is wounded by a landmine, because mary dies in fire
---
nathan wesninski
nathan was HARD to come up with a story for, mostly because,,, WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS GUY WORK FOR THE JAPANESE YAKUZA
wesninski is a VERY polish name. the japanese-polish connection is,, not super strong
so anyway, working off the idea of the wesninski family being a polish jewish one, WHERE is he going to meet a japanese crimelord to get into a multi-generation debt/business arrangement with?
turns out, the answer is brazil
brazil actually has a large jewish population (roughly 10th largest in the world). it began with its colonization by the portuguese, but the 19th century to modern population largely comes from central and eastern europe. brazil ALSO has the largest japanese population outside of japan
also this story ended up being WAY more detailed and prosaic than samuel&cima's story, which is basically just bullet points. there's no reason for this i love both stories very much just for some reason the words flowed for me here and not there
to avoid having a second jewish story where wwII is prominent, the wesninskis get a page out of my own family's book: nathan's grandfather (neil's great grandfather) came to the americas fleeing the russian pograms around the turn of the 20th century
so
Wesninski came to brazil (city undecided, have a lot more research to do about individual cities in brazil). he had waardenburg syndrome(a hereditary genetic condition that can affect eyes and hearing) which runs very strongly in his family (his son, nathan, and neil will all inherit it), and he is completely Deaf. while he came to brazil alone, in his new home he connected both with the local jewish community and the local deaf community, and eventually marries another Deaf Jewish woman
eventually they were able to establish a kosher deli and restaurant in the city, one which became a common hangout for the Deaf community. then one day (probably around 1915), a group of japanese men came in, and kept returning
these were the moriyamas, recently arrived from japan, in a place with very few japanese people and businesses. they liked the wesninski deli because they didn't share a language with anyone in there, couldn't even be heard by most of them, and it would also be difficult for the authorities to question them. two layers of protection for a crime family in a vulnerable place
wesninski and the moriyamas were amicable to each other, but as they didn't actually have a way to communicate that was the extent of it. but the moriyamas were polite and payed well and didn't bother the other customers. als, as a jewish establishment, they had a lot of education resources, which were helpful to the moriyamas in learning about brazilian society, including beginning to understand portuguese
now, in japan, the moriyamas were a small yakuza family. they got driven out by their bigger and stronger and more established competition around the time when japanese immigration to brazil was just starting, so that was where they went. though they had little option in where they ended up, they also had little competition in establishing their business
i still have a lot of research to do about the moriyamas. about both how the yakuza operate and about how brazilian organized crime works, and about life in brazil for early japanese immigrants. so a lot of the moriyama details are pretty vague
now the wesninskis had a son, meyer (nathan's father. name in reference to meyer lansky, famous american jewish mobster of polish descent) who was around 14 when the moriyamas arrived. he himself was not fully deaf like his parents, though was hard of hearing and raised in the Deaf community. as he goes through his rebellious teenage years, well, the gangsters are right there
in the early days the moriyamas were still more concerned with mostly the japanese enclaves, but they had aspirations of expanding. meyer wasn't japanese, but he was helpful to the moriyamas who came into the deli to study. he was perceptive and bold, could keep a secret, knew his way around knives from working in the deli, and knew the city. he was a good asset to them, and he was interested in causing some trouble
over the next ten years or so, meyer got increasingly more involved, alongside the moriyamas becoming increasingly more established throughout the city. he goes from someone who helps out occasionally and relays information beyween parties to getting involved with minor shakedowns, bribery, evidence disposal. by the time he's in his 20s he's thoroughly enmeshed
his parents were older when they had him, and his father died relatively young, leaving meyer the store and his mother to take care of. they were vaguely aware of his connections to the moriyamas and didn't approve of what he did with them but he also kept the worst from them, and was always a diligent son, and the only one they had. he assured them no matter how far he went that he wasn't "really" part of the gang
"yakuza have tattoos, and see, ima? no tattoos. i'm still a good jewish son, not a gangster"
now the problem arises when meyer falls for camara da machado, a young Deaf woman who frequents the store
(based on/inspired by/FC yaya dacosta (where the name comes from) and rutina wesley)
she was a Deaf girl born to a hearing family who struggled to give her the support she needed, maybe even just a single mother, and she'd spent a lot of time alone at the deli from a young age (12-ish?). she was shy and quiet and a little bit of a shrinking violet, but the wesninskis became very fond of her. she started tentatively helping them out around the store which became a job. she was often included in family meals and holidays, and always had a bed in their apartment above the deli if she needed one, and more than once had helped patch meyer up after he got in trouble to hide the extent of it from his parents
she was a couple years younger than him but he'd always been sweet on her. and she'd had a crush on him from basically the moment she'd layed eyes on him. they'd known each for years and camara was basically family, and then one day when they were both in their 20s it just suddenly clicked for them
so meyer and camara fell in love. meyer was head of the house, had to keep the deli running, and had his mother, camara, and possibly camara's mother (undecided at this juncture) to worry about and he decided he didn't want to continue working with the moriyamas in case it dragged his family into danger. being a gangster was a fling of youth and he was ready to grow up
when he informed the moriyamas of this though, they,,, did not agree.
while MEYER might not have considered himself part of the gang, THEY didn't think he just got to walk away. he'd worked with them for too long and knew too much. there might even have been a desire to tie him to the family permanently through marriage. and well,, one man against a growing criminal empire can't do much
it was a huge shock to him, and made him truly realize how naive and reckless he'd been. he'd been a dumb kid who wanted to start some trouble, the moriyamas were career criminals. they expected that once you were in, you were in for life, and they did not take kindly to meyer disagreeing with this
he didn't know how to explain this to his family... so he didn't. they'd all told him they wanted him to stop, but he'd meant for the announcement to be a surprise. after learning that he would not be permitted to walk away, he chose to just hide it and continue with business as usual
it worked for a while, maybe a few years, a time during which the moriyamas were getting a lot more brutal as they got more established and increasingly looked to expand, putting them in competition with other gangs and greater law enforcement, until they were a true crime empire spread across whole regions of the country. meyer had lost a lot of esteem in their eyes by asking to leave, leading them to put him under increasing scrutiny and giving him more incriminating tasks, to ensure that he would be incriminated if he ever tried to turn them in. it's during this time that he first had to kill for them
then camara got pregnant
and meyer was terrified. he didn't know how the moriyamas would deal with a kid. the only marriages and children he knew of within the family were endorsed by the boss, many arranged by him, and he knew his wouldn't be approved. yakuza wives were heavily involved with the business too, and he absolutely did not want that for camara
he broke down and told her everything. she's horrified, and furious that he kept it from her, but she didn't want to give up her baby. it would be hard, but she believed they can keep it hidden, and if the moriyamas found out, maybe it wouln't be so bad?
(spoiler: it would)
they have a son, born natan da machado, under his mother's name
meyer and camara never got married. meyer was going to propose after he left the moriyamas but that obviously didn't happen. marriages were supposed to be blessed by the boss, and meyer never dared to ask. they already lived together, anyway
but with natan, they decided that meyer couldn't acknowledge him as his own. in the deli or in the streets, he didn't acknowledge natan. he was camara's bastard son, and meyer didn't want anything to do with him
it was a flimsy disguise at best. natan was mixed, but there was a strong enough resemblance to his father. even if his hair was a darker red or he had brown skin, they had the same eyes
they tried to keep him away from the moriyamas as he grew up, hoping they wouldn't see him and make the connection, but they also kept him very hidden in general, just in case. he spent a lot of time inside, with his grandmothers
and that was how natan grew up, feeling like a secret, his father cold and distant, only acknowledging him in their apartment. cut off from other kids his age. a hearing boy in a Deaf family (natan himself was HoH but still had most of his hearing. meyer and his maternal grandmother could both hear, but they had gotten out of the habit of it and mostly communicated through sign)
natan developed a deep feeling of resentment towards his father and shame about himself from a young age. he felt like a mistake, defective somehow. so wrong he had to be hidden away from everyone
there's only so long that you can hide a child, though, and when natan was around ten the moriyamas found out about him, and they were not happy.
they didn't like split attention or loyalty. they kept children and family under very tight wraps. they should be one hundred percent enmeshed in the moriyama empire, raised to be loyal and helpful in whatever way they were needed. the fact that meyer wanted and was willing to leave for this family, and then hid his son, was a huge betrayal
still, they gave him an opportunity to prove his loyalty: kill camara or the moriyamas would kill them all: her, natan, meyer, and both their mothers
but meyer couldn't do it, and instead he told camara to run and hope they didn't actually care enough to chase her down. and she did. and she couldn't take natan with her. (i haven't fully fleshed out why yet, currently thinking that meyer was given this ultimatium when they already had natan)
so camara left her son, and got away
i built the story of mary's mother as a reflection of mary's story if something had been different, and i built nathan's story the same way. his wife takes her son and runs away with him when the moriyamas try to take him from her. nathan's mother was in the same situation and left him behind
over the next forty years of his belonging to the moriyamas he gets to marinate in that resentment. from the father that ignored to the mother who ran away from him, he internalizes it as being something wrong with him, not the circumstances. the more he's taught to torture and kill and the more he excels at it, the more this belief gets cemented. he's good at killing, he was meant to kill. he's twisted and broken and wrong inside and he always was and his parents always knew
and then when it happens again but differently this time he throws away a decade and millions of dollars and his standing with his boss to hunt down his son and his wife because he didn't get to run away so why should they? why does mary love nathaniel more than camara loved natan?
from here, the exact detail's of nathan's story aren't quite solidified. whether he was raised by his father from then on or by his grandmothers (or whether his grandmothers left with his mother) or whether the moriyamas put him somewhere else entirely, but from then on he lived under the moriyamas' direct supervision, and they taught him how to turn a knife on a man
they took his mother's name from him, though, so he's natan wesninski, not natan da machado, because they own the wesninskis now
and when the moriyamas decided to expand beyond brazil when natan was a young man instead of a child, and settled on the east coast of the US, they renamed him nathan, because it sounded more "american"
---
so that's it. obviously there are still a lot of unfinished details in both stories, but they're strong enough at this point to stand on their own and i haven't changed or rethought a lot of the major details in a long time
i've become extremely attached to these OCs and their stories, and i hope they interest other people too. some day i'd like to write them out in prose properly, along with the story of nathan and mary meeting, but that'll be a while away considering the pace i move at
But genuinely, Renee's backstory as a former-gang member combines many of the most disturbing elements of both Andrew and Neil's already sinister pasts. She was raised in an impossible situation and made terrible choices because she didn't know any alternative. She's hurt people, killed people, and she doesn't regret it, even though she's trying to grow past it. There are many different kinds of dark type pokemon, and the interpretation of what makes them 'dark' can mean many different things, but what unites many of them is a perception of fear and mistrust from humans, and Renee is in a unique place to work with all the many different ones, from the dark-types that are misunderstood to the ones that can pose genuine danger. Renee's experiences and choices allow her to reach out to them
dan & electric | kevin & ice | andrew & steel | matt & grass | aaron & ground | seth & fire | allison & normal | nicky & bug | renee & dark | neil & ghost | wymack & psychic | riko & dragon |
:- Absol: Absol is THE classic misunderstood dark-type. A reclusive pokemon believed to be a bad omen and thought to cause disasters, it is in fact a keenly intelligent and empathetic pokemon that can foresee natural disasters and appears in an attempt to warn people. Renee has made an active decision to reach out and help in much the same way. She devotes her time to charity and her deadly skillset to protection, and like an Absol she seeks to warn people away from disasters or at least keep them safe through them
- Shiftry: A secretive, reclusive pokemon that reside at the tops of the oldest trees, Shiftry live quietly, but it is also a forest guardian, whipping up massive whirlwinds to drive away those that would harm its home. Renee is one of the Foxes' "guardians", the overwatcher of the upperclassman, who subtly tries to guide them, and steps in to protect them when necessary. She is the quietest and most reserved of the Foxes, and far less forthright with her protection than Andrew, the other "guardian"
- Mandibuzz: I've always associated Renee with vultures. They look on the surface the way Renee does on the inside. Macabre death omens, yet also an essential part of the life cycle. We live. We die. We decompose. It's neither malicious nor comforting, it just is. That's what vultures remind us of, and it's that sort of distant, objective pragmatism that Renee embodies. With Mandibuzz specifically, i like the way the design is both morbid and motherly, because Renee tries very hard to be comforting yet there is still something deeply unnerving about her
- Alolan Muk: As always, I get to include one that isn't that deep. There aren't a ton of super colorful dark types, but Alolan Muk has a nice toxic rainbow coloration. Absol references Renee's bleached white hair, but Muk references her dyed rainbow ends. Also, as like,, an actual read or whatever, the original Kanto Muk emphasizes how toxic and disgusting it is, but its Alolan form redirects focus on the way it can be helpful by consuming trash. I like the positive shift in perspective for how Renee also focuses on putting good into the world rather than punishing herself for her sins
- Spiritomb: Renee has killed people. She doesn't regret it, but she carries it with her. Spiritomb is a pokemon made out of 108 souls bound together to a keystone. As well as a reminder of her past and the people she hurt, Spiritomb is also a reference to her born-again faith in how her soul was saved and she feels she can do the same for this pokemon. But also that being "saved" is not undoing the harm you caused, because that's impossible, but in dedicating yourself to doing good moving forwards
- Tyranitar: Tyranitar is the most direct memory of Natalie Shields. While the rest of her pokemon focus primarily on the ways Renee has grown and changed and reapplied her trauma in productive ways, Tyranitar is all the rage and pain that cannot be reapplied. Tyranitar are pokemon defined only by their desire for violence and destruction. They want to fight, and they will level anything around them in the process. This is the part of Renee that Andrew goads out, the part from their sparring sessions, the part that will always be there no matter how good and useful and productive she can make the rest of herself into. And yet its important that Renee still have compassion for this side of herself, and thus compassion for this difficult pokemon. She cannot abandon her Tyranitar any more than she could hide from her knives
fair warning, I wrote this for school. Cw: gangs, violence, death
Carina lived near a beach. The salty breeze would push through her windows and into the house. She woke up in the morning to see the sun rising over the horizon. The colors would dance on the water, and the peaceful crashes of waves would be soothing. She’s always like the beach. At night, after everyone was asleep, she’d climb out her window. There was a tree planted just outside, the jump to the branch was easy.
The tree held the treehouse that she and Castor helped build. Years ago, when their dad was around more and not just some “ghost” who lived with them, he loved to build things. The math it involved and the different angles. Gears would turn in his head as he figured it out. He loved the thought of all the things he could make, it was limitless as long as he had the motivation.
The treehouse was still standing. Carina barely went in there anymore. It was full of memories, toys from her and Castor’s games were left, long abandoned as they grew up. The paper hats from when they pretended to be sailors, the toy swords made of cardboard from when they were pirates looking for the buried treasure. The old towels repurposed as capes for when they were flying around, saving the world.
They always dreamed of saving people together. They’d find someone who was in need of a hero and they’d be there. Not a superhero from a comic story though, those were too flashy and seemed to only use their powers for fame rather than focusing on the people screaming for help. Real heroes don’t care about who see them, they care about saving lives and sparing families.
It was crazy to think that was only a few years ago. Everything had been so simple then. Family meant everything, Castor was her best friend, dinner that night would be something like Mac and Cheese. Their favorite when they were kids.
But they aren’t kids now, are they? She’s seventeen, has a job working as the cashier at McDonald’s, and she’ll be off to college in a year. Carina hasn’t even applied anywhere yet, despite everyone pressuring her too.
So she climbs a tree, using the old wooden steps that were nailed there what feels like an eternity ago. Her feet hit the dirt, and the wind blows through her hair. She loves it. The town is empty at this time of night.
The street lights are dying out, flickering on and off as she walks by. It’s cold out, but she’s wearing not shoes. She leaves her jacket unzipped when she runs down the street and to the beach.
The sand is calming beneath her feet. It’s cold but not freezing, it’s perfect. She stays there., simply sitting in the sand by herself, because sometimes your own company is better than anyone else's.
She stays out there until the moon is gleaming over the ocean in such a comforting manor that her eyes start to droop. Startling herself awake, because she can’t follow asleep and have the police escort her home again, she dips her hands into the water and splashes herself in the face.
She’s hit with more adrenaline, and take off down towards one of the more secluded areas of the beach.
Carina ran through the streets of Godric, the rain was coming down hard on her. She’d be lying if she said she didn’t love it. Her bare feet were slippery on the wet concrete and puddles. Her thin sweater and sweats were drenched, sticking to her skin and making her shiver from the cold.
“If you care too much, you worry too much. Then you’ll never really get to live.” Caelum said that to her one night. The two stayed up late, watching some stupid cartoons on this old tv they had found. It was one of those, “Take it, it’s free,” things where people left their junk on the side of the road.
The TV was obviously years old, no longer in “new” or even good condition, but with a little tinkering and rearranging the wires they got it to work.
The lights from the cars blurred around her and she ran down one block to another. Her heart was pounding and she laughed. It was a small thing, a little manic and mad to anyone who saw her. But it was nice, she hadn’t smiled a lot recently. She was growing up, a teenager now. And apparently, the joy gets sucked out of everything when you’re a teenager.
It was the times like this she loved. The hours of the night where it was just her and her thoughts. Honestly, Carina preferred being alone over hanging out with other people. Sometimes the company was nice, Kai and Matilda were really two of the only people she didn’t mind being around.
Sometimes, when she and Caelum stayed up late at night, they’d talk. With her brother, she could practically say anything. Sometimes she had to worry about what she said, but there was a type of vulnerability that she couldn’t quite place that came in the dead of the night. It was a safe to know that whatever they said wouldn’t be repeated.
Sometimes they wouldn’t talk and just sit there in silence. That was okay. The company is what they’re both looking for, not the words that come with it.
The rain was coming down harder, and she grinned. The night had started out clear, if not a little cloudy. The rain was a nice surprise. It was probably well into the morning, at least 2 or 3 am. It was late, but there was a good chance that Kai was still awake.
Kai lived just on the outskirts of town. She had just moved out of her motor home with her dad. Carina was glad they decided to stay in their small town. It wasn’t much, certainly no amusement parks or that many town festivals, but it was home.
Kai’s house was on the cheaper side, one story, and mysterious stains on the walls. It was homey though, more than Carina’s own house at least. The Robinson’s were more a family to her than hers was anyways.
But that wasn’t surprising. It wouldn’t be hard to be better than her own family, the standards weren’t all that high.
It didn’t take too long to get to her house if you knew the right paths. Carina ran through a path that was in between two separated some bushes. The dirt had turned to mud from the rain, coating her feet. She was careful not to fall and stain her sweater, but the cuffs of her sweats were already covered in the dark, sticky substance.
She didn’t care much, stains give character, they show where you’ve been and how you choose to live your life. Whether that be reckless, careful, or somewhere in between, your clothes tell a story. Whether you want them to or not, they do.
It didn’t take long for Carina to arrive at Kai’s house. The large tree in the front with the eccentric drawings on the window made it noticeable from around the block. Carina quickly climbed on top of the trashcans before jumping and grabbing onto the ledge of Kai’s window. Luckily, she’s learned how to be quiet when she needed to not be noticed.
Perching on the thin window sill, she tapped on the glass impatiently. The light of the room was a soft green behind the curtains, thanks to Kai’s LED lights strung around the room.
After a moment, Carina sees the curtains shift a tiny bit, revealing an all too familiar eye looking at her. She huffed impatiently, poking the glass right over Kai’s eye, to signal “let me in,” because really she was a few seconds away from falling off the slippery window sill.
Kai opened the window, rolling her chair backwards to make room for Carina to climb into the house. She immediately made a puddle on the hardwood floor and smiled apologetically to the redhead.
Kai rolled her eyes fondly before standing up.
“It’s nice to see you, too.”
“The pleasure is mine.” Carina gave Kai a mock bow, but really she only managed to make a bigger mess.
“Hold on, hold on, stay there.” Kai held her hands out towards Carina, as if that made her words easier to understand. Not that they were particularly difficult to understand in the first place. “I’m going to go get you a towel.”
As Kai left the room Carina looked around. She’d been here a 100 times or more already, but she neve did get old of seeing at the polaroid pictures that covered her walls. There were pictures of Kai and herself, mot of them involving something stupid going on. Some were of Kai and her dad, one of Carina’s favorites was where Mr.Robinson has his around her, because he had said, “you’re just as much my daughter as Kai is. You’re over enough to practically live at my house already.”
Carina loved that memory, she felt that she had truly belonged somewhere for the first time since her mom died when she was four.
Kai walks back into the room with a large fluffy, green towel in her hands.
“My favorite! How did you know?” Carina slaps an over the top smile on her face, making it hard for both of them to not start laughing.
“Only because you try to steal it every time you come over.” Kai grinned, then promptly threw the towel at Carina, causing her to stumble into what she now noticed was the still open window.
“Oi! Rude!” Carina complained. “Just for that I’m not closing the window now.”
“Ri.”
“Kai.”
“Close the window.”
“Let me think about it.” Carina hummed for a moment, pretending to scratch her head before looking back at Kai. “Yeah, no, my answer is still no.”
Kai groaned, stalking past Carina to close and lock the window for her.
By the time Carina is dry and in clean clothes, it’s half past 2 am.
“How’d you know I wasn’t asleep?” Kai asked, seeming to finally remember the question she forgot.
“You’re a raging insomniac Kai, it wasn’t hard.” Carina laughed at the affronted look on Kai’s face. “But then again, so am I, so, we can suffer together.”
The two of them traded mindless banter before diving into deeper subjects.
“You know the gangs that have been popping up around town?”
Carina nodded. Of course she knew, everyone knew. It was all over the news, reports of someone gone missing, robberies, deaths. It was hard to escape the threat of violence that ran throughout the city. Her older brother and her dad belonged to one.
There were two major gangs that ruled the city. The Riders and The Silence were enemies, but the two seemed to have a truce going on at the moment. Her family was to join the The Riders, in a year Jack and her would be recruited to join.
“Yeah.” She trailed off. “Yeah I know.”
Kai nodded slowly, “What’s going to happen to us?”
Carina shrugged. “We join one, go off to college, and then when we come back we hope they’re still together.”
“I don’t want to join one though.”
Carina’s head snapped up, her long black hair covering half of her face until she moved it with a flick of her wrist.
“You know we don’t get a choice Kai. This is Godric we’re talking about. If you try to leave, or try to stay neutral they’ll kill you. Anyone unclaimed for is fair game.”
Kai agreed solemnly. “I know… just… I was talking to Willow about this earlier too. I don’t want to hurt anyone, and if I have to join one I think I want to join the The Silence. They’re the least violent in the town.”
Carina felt the breath leave her lungs. If she joined the Silence, then they would have to be enemies. Conversing with the opposite gang was dangerous and against the rules. If you were caught then you were a trader, and would have to work your way to earn your leaders trust back.
Carina exhaled shakingly. “I guess we have to make the most of these last few months then, huh?”
Kai thought for a second. “What if… What if you came with me? What if you joined me and Willow, and we could probably get Matilda to come with us too.”
Carina was shaking her head before Kai even stopped talking.
“We both know I’m joining The Riders. My families there, and I can’t leave them. That would danger all of us.”
Kai looked like a kicked puppy, it made Carina feel slightly bad, but not bad enough to make her want to change her mind.
“Just think about it, yeah?” Kai asked.
“I will.” Carina agreed. She wasn’t going to, she made up her mind years ago.
It wasn’t until her dad brought it up that Carina really thought about it. He told her that he wanted her to join The Silence. It was safer, and wouldn’t push her as hard.
Not many people really knew of her anyways. They knew Caelum and Castor, but at the younger twin she was usually forgot about. Her slipping away to join The Silence wouldn’t be very hard.
She considered it, and she agreed to it. Joining The Silence wouldn’t be the worse thing in the world, and maybe she’d get to keep an eye on her friends.
Carina called Kai after school the next day, letting her know that she was in. The plan was for Carina to move in with Kai the day before her 18th birthday, that way when The Riders came for Castor they wouldn’t find her.
She knows it’s for the safety of all of them and that she has to do this, but it hurts to know that the next time she sees her twin is probably going to be across the way when someone is trying to kill him. They’re going to have to fight each other and that’s a horrifying thought.
Moving into Kai’s house went smoothly. Kai’s dad welcomed her with open arms, getting her settled in the room next to Kai’s. It stops being labeled as the guest room and is now Carina’s room instead.
Waking up in the middle of the night and not hearing the pages in a book turning or seeing the dim lamp that Castor used to read was concerning at first before she remembered where she was.
Carina never thought that she’d miss that house, but now all she wants is to be able to go home. The Robinson’s house isn’t her home. She thought it was but it wasn’t, not when her brothers weren’t there. Not when the smell of oil lamps and cinnamon didn’t fill every room.
The walls in the room are a blank white. There are no pictures hanging on the walls, and no shelves holding her trophies. It’s a change, she can't tell if it’s good or bad but it’s there.
Keeping her family history underwraps is a lot harder than Carina thought it would be. Since she moved to Godric she knew she was going to join The Riders. She memorized their schedule, how they worked, what types of things they pulled.
The Silence was different, and she wasn’t prepared to join them. Gangs were hard, and they were dangerous, but sometimes without a little danger you aren’t gong to make it out alive.
Carina slipped up more, making a reference to the riders every now and then before trying her best to cover it up immediately. She saw the looks that everyone else was giving her. They saw her as a spy, a threat. She was treading on thin ice and if she wasn’t careful then she’d probably sink.
Kai’s the only one who knows who Carina’s family is. Luckily Taylor was a common enough last name that name many people were able to make the connection. Matilda and Willow were both friends with Carina since elementary school, but they never talked about their home lives. Not because they were all bad, but because they wanted to keep their lives separate. It was an unspoken rule amongst everyone in Godric. Everyone’s hiding their demons, you don’t bring up what doesn’t need to be discussed.
There are some people who tryst Carina though, they don’t see her as a spy so much as someone who does their research. After all, from what she’s let slip about the riders wouldn’t be that hard to figure out if you want to know.
Kai, Willow, and Matilda were always together. They vowed to fight with each other and to protect each other, if one was going down then they all were. But Carina strayed a little from her group, meeting Jacob and Lewis.
They were twins, it made her heart ache thinking about how much she missed her twin. Of course she couldn’t say that, settling on asking them what it was like to be a twin instead. They were questions she herself had answered what felt like 100 times over, but she asked anyways.
The three of them formed a close bond, and Carina was starting to choose her own family of those she could trust.
The twins started coming around more, merging into he friend group with Willow and Kai and Matilda. They all got along well, and shared the same views on a lot of things.
She hadn’t meant to let her guard down so easily, she didn’t even realize it was slipping until after she said it.
“Right, me and my brother Castor used to get mistaken for each other all the time. At one point we even got the same haircut just to mess with people.” She laughed. Suddenly the friend group went silent and she saw Kai wince in her peripheral vision.
“I-I mean,” Carina couldn’t think of a lie out of this, but she didn’t get time to think of one anyways.
“You have a brother?” Lewis asked.
“You have a twin?” Jacob asked louder, gaining the attention of some people sitting at some of the surrounding tables in the small cafe they were in.
Kai and Carina hurriedly went to shush them.
“I, uh, I didn’t mean to say that?”
Matilda, Willow, and the twins all had their jaws dropped.
“How did we not know you had a brother? A twin at that?” Willow asked. They looked hurt at the thought of Carina keeping that from them.
“I never talked about him I guess…” Carina trailed off. She wasn’t sure how much she should reveal to them. She could tell them that he was dead, but that would dig her into a bigger web of lies. Or she could tell them about her family, and hopefully they wouldn’t turn on her for having outside connections to other gangs.
The waiter decided that right then was a good time to bring their drinks and food, placing them on the small table in front of them.
The best course in action would be to just come clean, tell them about the burden she’s been carrying and let it all out. But not there in that Cafe, it was too dangerous when anyone could hear her.
“Later.” She said, picking up her tea and swirling the cup in her hands a few times. “I’ll explain everything later.” And that efficiently put and end to their conversation .
Later she did tell them. They met at the twins house, which was an apartment that was near the local college in Godric. She told them about her parents, howo her mom died when she was four and she moved from Italy to America. How she lost her eldest brother a few years after when gangs first started popping up and he father made the wrong people mad. She told them about her father and brothers being in their rival gangs and having to move out the day before her 17th birthday.
Willow looked at her in pity, like she as the victim here. The twins seems to be torn in wanting to see the good in her but seeing the trader there at the same time, she couldn’t blame them. Matilda was calm and stoic as always. She was always hard to read, but it was just now that Carina realized she hadn’t said a thing the whole time. It was concerning, but she just had to hope that they all kept her secrets.
The news came suddenly. Everyone could feel the tension that was swarming the two gangs, increasing until it broke. Everyone was alerted that there was to be a braw at midnight, they’d meet in the back alleys hidden behind a run down soda shoppe.
The rules were no weapons, but there was always someone who didn’t listen. Everyone wouls end up bring something, but you wouldn’t use it until someone else forced you to.
The clock was ticking down, the group that had soon become a family were sitting on the floor in the twin’s apartment. They also had loads of nervous energy built up in them, and by the time the clock hit 11:45 pm they were shrugging on their coats and heading out the door.
They met up with a group of others a little ways away from the alley with 7 minutes to spare. Quickly the group grew and most members showed up.
Blair caught a glance of familiar black hair and red shoes slip around the corner of a building. Looks like her family was here.
It all happened in a blur. One moment everyone was yelling and running towards the old alley way. The shouts echoed off the walls and amplified it enough to make her dizzy. The next thing she knew someone was coming after her, knife raised in the air and ready to strike. She ducked, going in to defend herself but the other person was too fast, already changing directions and then she was trapped. She was pinned against the wall, crowded from each side so there was no escape.
She was singled out, and probably wouldn’t make it out of there. She wasn’t going to. That is, until her brothers eyes locked with hers, and then he was pulling the man off of her and he was attacked instead.
Traitor, they thought he was a traitor. And Carina barely caught him before he fell to the ground. His clothes were staining red, which contrasted against his pale skin.
Carina cried.
She cried because how could people be so- so ruthless? How can the kill, and kill, and kill, but they never showed remorse. They didn’t care. They did it for the money, the accomplishment, the fame.That did it so they could say that they- they were the one that made the light leave that kid’s eyes.
Because that’s what they are. They’re kids fighting a losing battle, trying to stay afloat but everyone just takes and takes and takes, drowning them in violence and hostility that they might not get back up from.
It’s always a gamble getting up after you’ve fallen. They don’t know if they’re going to make it, or if it was even worth it in the end afterwards.
The world is crumbling around them and no one is doing anything to save it. It’s sick. People are flying, gangs are forming and growing, and soon they’re all going to go after each other. There’s going to be a lot of bloodshed until only on gang is left standing.
And for what? To show dominance, to say that you’re better then everyone else? The world isn’t going to stop spinning on its axis while everyone stands around and tears each other apart. By the time someone comes out victorious, it’ll be too late. There’s no coming back from that. There’s no revival when you’ve already let something important die.
She tried to hold onto to what she had left of her brother, but his eyes had already slipped shut and his breathing was shallow. Kai had crossed over to her at one point, and together they carried him out of the danger area.
Hospitals wouldn’t treat gang related injuries, they already knew that. But even if they did they doubted that they could save them.
That night is filled with tears, blood, and anger. She doesn’t remember what happened after that, she doesn’t know how she got back into Kai’s house or falling asleep. She does remember the dreams though. The bravery written over Castor’s face. He wasn’t scared to die, not if it was for family.
She should have saved him, should’ve been strong enough. She promised herself that no one else was going to die for her.
The world moves on, whether your ready or not. At least that’s what she tells herself. She was supposed to start college soon, moving into the dorms was supposed happen in a week. She’s packed, and is ready to leave Godric.
Kai is going to local college here in town, but Carina wanted to leave. She wanted to get in the car and drive. But she wouldn’t leave Kai here without looking back, so she chose a college a couple states away but within driving distance.
That way she could still come back afterwards for Kai.
Leaving for college was hard. Her dad wasn’t there to see her off, and Castor wasn’t coming with her. Rigel wasn’t there to make them ramen at 12 am and Kai was staying here. Kai was there for everything in her life, having been best friends since kindergarten.
Mr. Robinson drove her to college, and helped her carry things into her dorm. After everything was in place she made sure to thank him for being more of a dad to her then her own was.
College was stressful and there was a lot of pressure she put only herself to be perfect. In Godric she learned how to handle stress. Sometimes that involved shutting down and getting her work down by going through the motions. Another thing she worked on was managing her time.
Although after Castors death she wanted his memory to live on. She picked up some of his hobbies. Reading books, memorizing quotes, he always wanted to be one of the top students in every school he went to.
It was a few weeks after school started, she got a call from her dad. She wasn’t aware he still had her number but then again there was no reason that he wouldn’t.
He informed her of Castor’s funeral date, the gangs agreed she was allowed to come, anyone who knew him was allowed to attend. Carina broke down again that day.
The day before the funeral she drove back to Godric. She spent that night at Kai’s house, where the three of them—Carina, Kai, and Mr.Robinson—would leave together to go to the funeral. Seeing her brother in the open casket was heart wrenching. He died for her and she could have prevented that.
It was her brother who took her place, and she knew it was her fault. No one was going to die for her, she’d give up her own life first.
Four years passed quickly. Most of them were full of studying and classes, every now and then the friend group would meet up, coming from their different colleges and states to get a cup of coffee or do something dumb. Occasionally Carina came home to join in the rumbles and brawls between gangs.
She grew to love the adrenaline that came with it. The thought of hurting someone else didn’t register much anymore as long as it never went too far.
Coming back after she graduated college was something she never thought that she would do. She always assumed that after college that was it, she was free. But without Kai and Willow and Matilda, she would never truly be free.
So she rented a car, and drove from her new apartment back to Godric for the final time. The three of her friends were waiting at the Robinson’s house. They had all moved in there after the death Mr. Robinson. He was battling cancer these past few years, and after holding out for a long time he lost. The big house was lonely without other occupants so Willow and Matilda offered to move in.
They left Carina’s room alone while she was gone, because even if she wasn’t living there that was still her room. She was still welcome back anytime.
Carina rolled up to the house, taking a good look at it. She pulled her keys from her bag, unlocking the door. She wanted to see the house one last time.
Matilda, Willow, and Kai were sitting around the table, eating oatmeal and scrolling through their phones.
“Ready?” She asked. Kai looked up, smiling.
“Let’s get out of here.”
The four of them drove off and away from the violent town. They were finally free and didn’t have to peer around every corner every time they went somewhere. And if Carina stopped and dropped a letter off a her father’s house then no one had to know.
