trauma anniversary is a thing, I've learned in the past two weeks.
I've largely stopped talking about this on here, mainly to not give her anything anymore, but this is my little corner of the internet so here goes a bit of venting. I'm not putting this in the patti tag because it's got nothing to do with patti but those who know know what this is about.
she's still at it, still using the same ruse to lure young women and succeeding apparently. tumblr recently got back to one of my friends who reported her for making a violent threat against me. a year later, they said they deleted her acc. so that's why she's got a new @ a while ago. funnily enough, she still thinks she got deleted for her objectifying sexual posts about patti lupone and her non-existent SO. funny.
I think what some of the people who watched this from the sidelines can't quite grasp is how fucked up all that was. It was at least 7 of us. 18, 19, 20s something year olds. Just in this fandom--she must've done this before, it was always the exact same strategy. Seven young women who were in a vulnerable situation in their life who she lied to, manipulated, exploited, and sexually abused after pushing them to get drunk. Yes. All of us were drunk when we got sexually involved with her. So how consensual is that? We are still suffering from sexual trauma caused by a woman who hasn't even touched us. Most of us had previous experiences with SA which this woman preyed upon and used for her own sexual gratification. It wasn't just some silly fandom drama and also not a case of "two sides". Because it was seven of us. Seven. At least. During overlapping time frames. There's not a single argument to be made in her defence.
She was texting us simultaneously. Sexting with one while on call with the other. Asking one for nudes while telling the other goodnight from her milf SO. Telling one she was going to fuck her SO and disappearing for half an hour during which she messaged in a gc in explicit detail about how she was going to fuck her SO. Only to then return to the first person to continue chatting and talk about how SO got it so good. Having a crisis with SO but then messaging in 4 chats about it around the same time, something that really wouldn't be a priority if you were having a difficult conversation with your romantic partner and also something that you wouldn't have the fucking time for.
SO is sicilian one day and italian the next and generally it's practically the same thing to abuser (it's not). She's 55 one year and turns 55 again the next. SO's favourite things are coincidentally always also abuser's or abuser's mom's fav things. Sometimes they change randomly. White wine suddenly becomes red wine. All of the photos of her were fake. Taken on different dates. On days she spent with her mom or other family members. Photos that were dated years back. Her lies have never been elaborate at all and they're easy to see through once you started paying attention. Btw: getting married is not that hard in Germany. You go to the nearest townhall and set a date. if they can't do it on the date you want they'll tell you immediately and if it's booked it's booked. No government papers needed. You just get a date. If you're lucky you might get an earlier one if one becomes available but they won't push it back. It's simple. She pushed the date for her alleged wedding back multiple times, and coincidentally to a date after... Well let's just say it's very convenient for her. And I do feel like a goddamn fool for not seeing through it sooner, for not noticing that she's literally using my fic as a template to sell me this middle aged woman as a real person and who I established a bond with and cared about. Only to then learn she never existed in the first place.
I was the only one of us afaik who met abuser irl. She was in my home. She sat in my bed (because I'm chronically ill and can't leave the bed much). She talked to my grandmother while I was asleep. She pet my dog. She knows where I live. She's like a stain I can't fucking erase.
My life is genuinely good now, I'm happy, I love my friends, I've got a partner who is like the best person in the world and who makes me feel so safe and loved and who I just have so much fun with that I don't care about online stuff a lot anymore. But what she did is still there. We don't call her by her name anymore, she doesn't deserve a name, but that stuff changes you.
I don't trust people anymore. I've got an urge to block every single person with a patti lupone icon or @ and for a while I did. Probably blocked a few innocents but I'm not going to apologise for dealing with this insane situation in my own way. I didn't share much of what was happening on here but it was really fucking bad. I was so traumatised I couldn't move, I couldn't exist, I ran out into my fucking garden one night to retch since I couldn't vomit because I couldn't fucking eat or sleep most days. And I think it's justified to be overly cautious when she's got like 10 burner accs to stalk me with. And even a year later. Can you blame me when I associate patti so much with this woman that seeing anything patti related still makes me want to vomit?
But I'm a lot better now, I went into therapy and dealt with this shit and I built myself a life worth living in spite of chronic illness and her. I don't have nightmares of her anymore and I don't think about her anymore unless something triggers it. And for a while I didn't think I could get through this but I did. So please, if you reading this are experiencing something like this: it really does get better. You can overcome it. It's not just something people say to make you feel better.
My outside fandom friend who keeps an eye on her blog(s) for my safety recently told me she directly responded to a post I made about looking forward to some things. Which means even though I blocked almost all of patti tumblr except a few I know are safe, she still has an acc somewhere that we haven't caught and that she's using to stalk me on here.
I'm still passionate about media and characters but fandom? This whole thing has just shown me how fucking ugly people are. The way some people behaved on here... People who were actively being targeted by her who we tried to warn and then said oh that's a shame she did that to you but she's always been nice to me so what do I care. People who are always first in line for the gossip but last to back you up. People who said oh that's bad but I don't want to be involved in drama. People who came to me offering support in a time where I really didn't know what the fuck to do and being traumatised to the max and hoping for advice from someone who knew her type only for them to become another fucking nuisance in my life and stab my back.
And like, what we all shared on here was nothing. Nothing. It's the fucking tip of the ice berg. And I'm glad a lot of people finally saw sense and that she's only got like 2 morons left who still fall for her shit and talk to her (if it's not just her talking to herself again which she still does with lobotomy and another acc anyway) but it's just depressing to see her use the exact same strategy with them that she used with every single one of us. The "you're special" stuff. the "only you get to talk to milf SO". "you're milf SO's favourite". "milf SO will pick your dresses." "We feel so maternal for you". "you're the only one who gets to message with milf SO." "you can talk to her any time." It's sickening.
And what messes with me even more is that a lot of the storyline with milf SO was ripped off from my fic and Lilia and Joan. Her name probably came from when abuser was here with me and we got drunk together and talked about a film where the protagonist had this name.
At the end of the day I just keep asking myself: why am I the one she still feels the need to target? why did she feel the need to start this smear campaign against me in the first place? because I was the first to speak up? because she thought I was this quote "young and sweet and innocent" little girl she fantasised about me being and who she thought would stay quiet? because she had a crush on me that I didn't reciprocate? it would explain why her abuse got so bad once I met someone irl.
And the thing is: you never think it's going to be a woman. Grooming? You think of a man. Some filthy old white dude. You don't think of a 30s something fandom girly who reblogs stuff like "I should be locked up" or "I'm a pervert" for laughs and being cutesy.
I don't want to say anything with this I just needed to get this off my chest and be done with it. There's things you just shouldn't stay quiet about. If me sharing this helps even one person feel more valid, I'm glad.
