imádom ezt a csávót.
Years ago at one of my office jobs I had to make hundreds upon hundreds of photo copies every single day. Hundreds. Literally. The copiers we had were these no joke massive ones that can do just about anything and print, sort and staple wicked fast. We had like 6 or 7. Anyways, as one could imagine I became very familiar with all the machines and their inner workings. It got to the point where I spent more time maintaining them than the fucking IT department..
One of the things that drove me bonkers was how idiotic people were with the handling of them. If they didn't know how to do something, they would mess up the settings and just walk away. If it ran out of ink or toner, they would just walk away, if they ran out of paper, they would never refill them and the jobs would back up, if it jammed, they just walked away. Here's the very best part: THEY WOULD NEVER CALL ANYONE TO FIX THEM. THEY WOULD JUST MESS THEM UP WALK AWAY AND THEN GO MESS UP ANOTHER ONE..
This obviously drove me insane at times because I would really need to get work done in time otherwise people would start bitching me out about their goddamn printouts. I can't tell you how many times I would walk up to a machine and have it be busted, run over to another one, same thing, over and over and over again. When I had time I would go back and fix them all but if I was in a rush and needed to get shit done, it was unbelievably frustrating..
It got so bad that if I didn't maintain a near constant vigil, all of the machines would be down SIMULTANEOUSLY from people screwing them up and not calling anyone to fix them. Not that calling anyone really helped that much since the IT department saw maintaining copiers as beneath them or some BS and delegated that menial task to the mailroom. Which after 6pm, weren't around to do shit. Not that it was much help when they were around as they weren't fucking trained for that shit..
The other great thing was how I would sit around all day for shit to do. Just twiddling my thumbs not doing a fucking thing looking at the internet. Which wasn't all bad as some of you will recall that was a time when I would find a lot of cool shit on the webz to buy and blog about. Now here's the frustrating part: At around 6:30-6:45 the catering people would show up and start setting up the food. Usually they were all done at 7ish. Guess what happened next without fucking fail? Yup, you guessed it, ALL the work everyone had been lolly gagging around with all fucking day came through AT THE SAME TIME. It was like fucking clock work..
So I would rush and get everything done as soon as I could so no one would bitch me out about their copies and try to get some food before it was all gone and picked over. OH BUT HEY WHAT YOU KNOW ALL THE FUCKING COPIERS ARE BUSTED..
So naturally I would be frustrated as all hell at how fucking annoying this situation was I was putting myself through and would let out the occasional DAMMIT or some other completely relevant explative slip. Then sit there, open the copier up removed the jams etc. This was usually noisy because since they jammed so frequently, the sensors in all the doors would get messed up and lose sensitivity. So if you closed one of the doors or rollers softly, it would read as being opened still. So a lot of the time you kinda had to slam it shut. So if I was in a rush and the machine was badly jammed, my hastily unjamming it would sound like a fucking car wreck. Naturally, people complained:
"He's cursing and slamming the doors on the copiers all the time!"
OH WELL GEE MAYBE IF YOU IRRESPONSIBLE FUCKING TITS WOULDN'T JUST WALK AWAY WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE YOU MESSED THE GODDAMN THINGS UP ALL THE FUCKING TIME MAYBE I WOULDN'T NEED TO BE SO FRUSTRATED TRYING TO FIX THEM ALL CONSTANTLY..
Meanwhile, I'm the crazy one so feel free to blame all your sub-standard BS work behavior on me. Awesome..
So if you've made it this far you might be wondering why the fuck I've been ranting about copiers..
This is basically one big analogy that corresponds with my last few long term relationships. At first, we're awesome and everything is working great. Then for whatever reason they breakdown. Whether it be issues they've had within themselves that have suddenly manifested for whatever reason, usually growing pains, or outside forces that don't necessarily include me being like, yo, grow the fuck up girl and trying being a bit more realistic about life by not making me dump all my friends who just happen to be girls but meanwhile you can keep all your man friends and ex's around because it's cool for you to be a total hypocrite, type shit. Which makes ZERO sense but it's happened like 3 times now and is pretty fucking retarded. Then despite my best efforts to maintain some sort of rational balance and keep them a float I eventually break down myself. Rather than return the favor like a self respecting compassionate human being and put in the effort into doing the same for me, they just.. walk away..
AWESOME
Why I still bother having anything to do with women is beyond me at this point. I feel like the only reason is to please my mother because clearly I'm not getting anything worth while in long term out of the arrangement:
"But you have to have a child before I die!"
Yes mother, that's a completely logical and sound reason to have a child. To make you happy while undoubtingly making myself miserable in the process. Great. No pressure or anything! It actually might be feasible if it wasn't for the fact that 99% of the women in NYC are absolutely fucking BONKERS. Like, make no sense insane. I mean, if you guys think I'm crazy you have NO IDEA of what crazy really is. I'm talking completely made up fantasy land kind of crazy. Which probably just speaks to my luck with being attracted to all the crazy ones and not having a shit bit of luck finding someone who's genuinely down to earth, cool and talented..
The talented part is really important because when you're a creative person and they're not, things like competitiveness and jealousy come into play a lot more. But I'll save that for another biblical discussion..
by Alan Sikiric
