#cynicaldom

[amysubmits]

Communication

On top of the new-normal of the emotional stuff going on, we had a big party to attend (no fun for these introverts), I had a big high-stakes work project deadline, our oven caught itself on fire, and disappointing news came at the 6th doctor’s visit we took my dad to for the week. Yes, 6 appointments in 1 week. So we’ve kinda been running on empty. 

I find that we often end up having long heart-to-hearts when we are emotionally drained yet energized by the stress of the day. We talked for a long time last night. At first just pouring out emotional thoughts about all sorts of things, but eventually turning to our relationship. I guess our version of a meta-talk.  

We had a couple of situations recently where there was tension between us but we just kinda pushed through in the moment. The specifics don’t matter too much, but basically, I had some questions about plans @cynicaldom had made for us and when I asked those questions he didn’t answer the specific questions he just said he had it figured out. I knew in the moment he was upset but I didn’t know why, I chalked it up to general stress. It’s so unusual for him to react that way to questions from me. He’s usually all about encouraging me to ask questions if I’m confused. It hurt my feelings to not have my questions answered. There was another instance this week where I sensed that he was irritated with me but I didn’t know why. Again, I let it go chalking this up to stress in the moment. And there were moments of me being frustrated with him too..including for basically not reading my mind one day (yeah, thats crazy unreasonable but my emotions work that way sometimes). I also caught myself “reminding” him of things and not because I truly thought he forgot - but because I wanted him to do things sooner. This isn’t breaking a rule but it just isn’t well-suited to my place in our relationship. 

We were able to piece together that I am certainly questioning him and sort of double-checking him a lot more than I usually do. This makes him feel like I don’t have confidence in his leadership or I don’t trust him, which hurts him. He is fueled by my confidence and trust in him and isn’t used to me second-guessing him all the time, so that feels like a bit of an insult right now. I explained how I am not at all feeling like I've lost confidence in his leadership. I don’t feel like he has changed or is doing anything wrong. I feel like he’s doing a good job as my partner and my Dom, especially given all that we have going on. Yet I don’t feel as comfortable and secure as I usually do. The stress makes me anxious and when I’m anxious it makes me second-guess things, double-check things. When little things around the house get fixed quickly it gives me a lot of confidence that he’s in a good place and has a good grasp on things. If he can jump on little side projects he clearly is in a good place having everything else handled well first. That hasn’t been happening lately. When little things go wrong and they he can’t immediately tend to them - broken faucets, even replacing light bulbs that I can’t reach, whatever it may be - a fear sets in that he’s overwhelmed. This makes me anxious which makes me second-guess him more. But it also brings up insecurities or guilt. If he's overwhelmed and he’s doing some things for me, maybe I should “help” by taking back some of that control. Except he doesn’t want me to - leading me makes him feel good, so taking it back is an insult to him. Yet my instincts tell me I am burdensome if he is stressed for any reason because I just have a deep insecurity about being a burden.

So we both understand what is going on. He isn’t able to do little fix-it things around the house very quickly which removes some of my comfort and security. I’m anxious from stress in general, but that adds a little to it that is specific to our D/s, and I am worried about burdening him right now due to his stress level, so I’m questioning him more to double-check that he has things handled. This makes him feel like I don’t trust him, which hurts him. So neither of us are getting all of what we want, and neither of us feel like we can just “act normal” right now. So we see the issue but we can’t really resolve it. He can’t just do all the things as he would never sleep or have a chance to relax and breathe. I can’t just stop questioning him at all because I need to air concerns when they feel genuine even if they logically aren’t.

We also talked about our sex lives. We’ve both seen changes in our sex drives. With sex, orgasms and spanking all three I’ve been all over the place, from super needy to disinterested. Sometimes swinging from one extreme to the other in the same day or same afternoon. Again, nothing to easily ‘fix’ here but it was nice to air that we are both conscious of these changes and trying to work around them as best we can, trying to fulfill needs and desires when we reasonably can. This hasn’t been an issue for either of us, we’ve just run on instinct but I knew things had been a little abnormal for us so it was nice to know he saw it too but was okay with it too. 

So, we didn’t really have any answers. Still, we were able to both express how we are longing for a bit more than we can manage right now, and we are both a little hurt by each other here and there even though we know we are both trying our best. It helps to air out that sadness together and to express understanding in each other, to recognize how our iprefections are impacting the other person. It was nice to openly tell each other that we see the effort we are both putting forth, to address how neither of us are being selfish or ill-willed towards each other. That we both miss our normal but we simply can’t have it right now. We talked about how we feel like we are doing really well overall. How this is hard, but we are both feeling like true partners through this, that neither of us feel alone or rejected. That we are doing well all things considered, that we are just in a tough place right now but we are trying. 

I think this as one of few times where we discussed hurts or longing for more than we were getting where we didn’t walk away with a plan for some sort of change. It still felt reassuring and affectionate to communicate super openly even though there isn’t much we can do but keep moving forward. Communication is often great for solving problems but it’s still a nice form of intimacy even when we are just kinda stuck in a tough spot for a while. 

[amysubmits]

Over The Knee Podcast #2

@cynicaldom and I got the second episode of our podcast up! The goal with this podcast was to discuss what our D/s relationship looks like, why the domestic discipline aspect is particularly meaningful to us, and some of the reasons why we do D/s the way we do. We got sidetracked talking a lot about thoughts and feelings on sadism and masochism, but we got back on track later and covered the points we intended to. 

https://soundcloud.com/overtheknee/how-we-do-ds

[amysubmits]

Power & Control

We went out to dinner with my family, which is rather large. We picked out a table with my sister and her family while we waited for the rest of our group to arrive. We took seats. As more people filed in @cynicaldom realizes we will be short on chairs. He brings one from an empty table, puts it next to me, and tells me to move into that chair. I don’t understand why he wants me to, but I move. He gets more chairs that he places in other places around our table. He sits down next to me, leaving me between him and my sister with no spaces. 

“[stepdad] is probably going to sit there” he says in reference to the chair on the opposite side of him. It sinks in. He’s being a barrier for me so that I don’t have to be next to my stepdad. My insides turn to mush. He melts me without even trying to. 

I look around the table. There are still several open spots so it’s interesting to me that CD is predicting that my stepdad will sit near us. Yet when he arrives, he does pick that exact chair. 

It reminds me of discussions that CD and I have had about my stepdad before. How he seems drawn to me more so than my other siblings. There has never been an argument, and I’ve never even told him that I dislike him. Yet everyone seems to know.

I moved out of my mother’s house at 15 to get away from him. My siblings are not his biggest fans, but they all like him at least a little more than I do. CD and I both suspect that this is why he is drawn to me. Growing up I noticed that he would hang around to “compliment” cashiers or waitresses on inappropriate things such as their “lovely shape” or the design on the back of their jean pockets. I couldn’t count how many times he’s said “Do you ever get told you look like an actress? Gosh, I can’t think of her name right now but you are a dead ringer for her!”  He goes after ones who appeared shy, nervous or disinterested to begin with, and then they clearly become more uncomfortable but he just gets more eager to continue the interaction instead of backing off. He feeds off of the discomfort he causes them. For women he knows it can be almost anything. “I had a dream about you the other night.” is a common go-to, but he’ll comment about your lip-gloss, your perfume, or he’ll ask every other time he sees you if you got a hair cut (No, I didn’t, AGAIN) and then stroke your hair until you step away. He comments on how soft your sweater looks and will use it as an excuse to rub your shoulders. He likes the girls who he can use discomfort to push and bend, who will duck or step to the side instead of exploding on him. And that’s the kind of girl that I am. I’m not proud of that inclination. I know it would be better to be bolder, at least with people like that, and I try to be when needed. Once I realized that not speaking up makes me easy prey to certain people, I’ve tried to force myself to speak up more. But when I was younger, I was always silent.  

I told CD about my stepdad before we were even dating. CD is certainly not the type to pick a fight, and I’ve always known that. However, I remember expecting my stepdad to go too far with me, and for CD to say something at some point. I knew CD wouldn’t let me be disrespected in front of him. So, I was kind of shocked when it never happened, but years later my stepdad has never said anything inappropriate to me in front of CD. It’s incredible because for years prior to CD, he would say something to make me uncomfortable every single time he saw me. CD never said anything to my stepdad, just his presence in my life altered my stepdads behavior towards me. 

Back then, it was such a huge relief to suddenly be able to spend time with my mom and my siblings without feeling like he could make me uncomfortable at any moment. I was so grateful that CD didn’t see this as a burden and gladly just came with me to family functions. 

Occasionally I hear of dominance described as people who feel comfortable with power and control. That description makes me a little uncomfortable sometimes, even though I do think those are common dominant traits. I use those words often when talking about dominance, too. I’ve realized that it’s incredibly important to distinguish between someone who thinks they need control, and is desperate for it, vs a person who gladly accepts power and control that is freely handed to him, and who understands the responsibilities that come with holding it. The former is simply power hungry, while the latter has the potential to be a dominant. 

It’s clear to me that my stepdad enjoys control. He likes to see women squirm and feel uncomfortable, because it shows him the power that he can have over a stranger. On rare occasion when he’s picked the wrong woman who does speak up to him, he will act truly shocked at their response. As if he had the right to make them uncomfortable and get no flack in return. He feels that he is entitled to power and control, as if he needs it, and he feels shorted when he doesn’t get it. 

My stepdads desire for power and control at any cost is so visible. It practically leaks from his pores. It’s desperate, and he wishes to have power over everyone, even strangers. CD enjoys power and control too, but it’s primarily within our relationship. If others want him to, he is comfortable leading in social situations too - but he doesn’t assume he’ll lead everything. He doesn’t expect it, or get twitchy and feel shorted if someone else takes a leadership role. He doesn’t set out to snatch every bit of power and control that he can from anyone he meets. 

The control that CD has over me is somewhat visible. A careful eye could spot hints of our D/s in our restaurant interactions. But a little ironically, the control that I CD has is more subtle than the desire for control that my stepdad feels. 

You may only find it in the way that he scopes out a table for us, or in this case, created a social barrier for me. Or in how I defer to him. How I let him know I plan to ask for a drink refill, or how I will be leaving for the restroom. You may see me lean in and whisper too softly for anyone else to hear, and see his nod before I order alcohol. If we’re out with another couple and the woman says “Can you guys make it to our party next Saturday?” and looks at me expecting an answer, you’ll see me glance at CD and wait for a nod before agreeing to attend. He'll sign the receipt and pay the bill. He’ll announce “Get your jacket back on, we’re going to leave soon.” He’ll take my hand and guide me out the door as we leave. 

He happily leads me, but only because I happily follow. And I happily follow because he always considers his impact on me. 

[amysubmits]

Burden

When I’m depressed and/or dealing with anxiety sometimes I get stuck on this thought that I’m too needy. That I’m wearing @cynicaldom down. That I’m not pulling my weight. That despite everything he tells me to the contrary, that I’m just this big, whiny leach. When I get thinking that way, it feels too needy or clingy to burden him with my feelings on it all. So I just don’t say anything and try to act like I’m fine. Which just makes things worse, of course. 

I’ve been in that kind of a cycle recently. Earlier today with some prying and prodding I confessed these feelings. CD reassured me that he’s fine, and not too burdened by my neediness, that this is my anxiety talking, and so on. 

Shortly after we had that talk I jumped onto some other topic. Apparently, I threw in the fact that I needed to pee, but then kept talking for several more minutes. 

“Go pee.”

“Huh?”

“Earlier you said you have to pee.”

I laugh. I have no memory of saying this. “I don’t think I said that? I don’t have to pee.” 

 “Go pee.”

I’m still sort of laughing, thinking he’s lost his mind as I go into the bathroom and as I sit down I realize I really DO have to pee! A lot. The living room is right next to the bathroom so he can hear me. We both laugh. 

While it was funny, it also made me realize he was paying more attention to me than I was. And it made me feel a little better. If I were burdening him with caring for me, he wouldn’t care for me in ways that I don’t even think about asking for, or that are so unusual like that. It’s just natural for him. 

Because noticing that made me feel better, I thought I would try paying more attention to our interaction for the rest of the night. His phone rings and he answers. After he hangs up he says the person who called asked about going to dinner and he said yes. 

“Okay.”

“You are coming too. Get ready. They are on their way here.”

I was wearing lazy clothes so I get up to go get dressed. It’s chilly so I want a long-sleeved shirt and a sweater. My only clean cardigan is light gray, and my favorite long sleeved shirt is sort of a charcoal color. I come out wearing it. “Does this look weird with the two grays? My pink and purple cardigans are both in the hamper. The only other one I have is black.”

“Yeah, it looks okay. Show me the black one though.”

I go back into the bedroom. “Oh. Actually, my black cardigan isn’t long sleeved so that doesn’t work. I’ll change my shirt.”

“No, the gray one is fine.”

I have some residual anxiety for a second. I think to myself -  Is it really fine? Maybe that pink shirt would be better? It’s too bulky for under a cardigan and it’s not very warm....No. Stop. He said it’s fine, so it’s fine. 

I finish getting ready. The people we are going to dinner with pull in to pick us up. I turn the handle and almost step outside.

“No. Put on your coat. It’s cold.” 

I do as I’m told. 

At the restaurant, the other couple sits on one side, CD and I together. The other side orders first. The waitress turns to me. “Do you guys want an app?”. She keeps looking only at me. I’m waiting for her to glance at CD next, but she doesn’t. Oh god, she’s expecting me to answer for us both. I start to turn towards CD and he answers for us both. “No thank you.” 

It’s rare for me to notice our habits, because they are unconscious actions most of the time. I was trying to remember when I started asking him to approve my outfits. I don’t know if I ever leave the house without asking anymore. And he doesn’t do it carelessly. He always wants to see my options and often has me change. Yet I have no idea when we started that or why it just happened naturally at some point. And I'm certain that the waitress situation has just always been our norm. I feel so uncomfortable when asked to speak for anyone other than myself. 

We’ve never discussed that he would be the one to decide these kinds of things. It just feels uncomfortable for me, while it feels natural to him. When I step back and analyze with a clear mind it’s so obvious that this just works for us. This is just how we both are, just like he tells me. I’m not too needy for him, and he doesn’t feel like I am a burden. He takes care of me in ways that I didn’t ask him to in ways that I never even thought about, because that feels better for him, too. The real burden is my anxiety, and he does his best to help me handle that, too. 

[amysubmits]

The Little House

One time that we were looking to move, prior to when we chose to become 24/7 D/s or to live domestic discipline. We had been looking for a few months, without much luck. We were opposed to complexes or condos, so we were primarily looking at duplexes as they were more affordable. However, I had this dream of finding a tiny house that we could afford on our own. One day this little house popped up online in our price range. I got butterflies and showed @cynicaldom and we went to look at it. It was quite small but we could make it work. It has a nice yard and a screened in porch. My mind started dreaming about making it ours. Visualizing where we would put all of our things, and how to decorate. Things were winding down on the little tour, and CD tells the owner that we’ll call her with our decision after a while. When we were about to part ways when CD asks the owner, “Do you need our IDs to run a background check?” She says “Oh, no. I don’t do background checks.”

We go out to the truck and start getting in - rambling about what I liked. CD is looking at nearby houses. “She owns those too. She doesn’t do background checks on any of these...”

In my mind I’m not even that worried when he says that. What are the odds that they’re bad people? That would be SO unlucky. It’s a cute little place! On the way home, I’m still thinking of all the details of how we could make it our home. We finally found a little house that is perfect for us, and I’m going to make it ours! 

At home, he uses some website to put in the address to check for nearby sex offenders. The rental right next door has been convicted of rape twice. He tells me the news, but it doesn’t fully register in my mind. I am caught up in this dream I’ve created in my mind. “Well, the yard is pretty big. If we were outside it’s not like he could hear us talking. You work from home so you’re always here...” I try to erase the concern. 

Of course, I don’t convince him. “But when I go out with friends or help my mom with yard work I couldn’t leave you here alone. You could never stay here by yourself. That’s not a home. We can’t live like that. I’m not doing that.”

I point out “Remember how she said one of her tenants was about to move? Maybe it was that one. We could at least ask..?”

“That wouldn’t stop the next person who moves in from being another rapist or violent criminal. She doesn’t do background checks.”

So it really hits me. His tone, his body language - it’s all calmly and gently but very strongly saying “No.”

I knew I was silly. I knew he was right. Yet I had this dream that I was so close to touching that in the moment I still really wanted it. I wanted to just put blinders on so that I could make the dream a reality. Logically I was in agreement with him, but my heart hadn’t caught up with my mind yet. But I stopped trying to justify my side. He called her and said we were going to pass on the house. She asked why and he told her the truth. He saw that the neighbor was a convicted rapist and he wasn’t comfortable living there with me. She said she understood. So the little dream was over. We later found a duplex that worked out really well. It wasn’t my dream tiny house for two but it was nice, and we had good neighbors. In hindsight, it’s obvious to me that I was being really irrational in the moment. I wouldn’t have felt safe there. Yet I think I was caught up in the dream enough that I could have ignored that concern long enough to sign a lease. 

If this were to happen today, it would play out in the same way. Nothing has really changed in regards to his leadership within our relationship. I forget that, sometimes. Sometimes I think about our conscious step into D/s was the beginning of our dynamic. I didn’t recognize it prior to D/s, though because it always felt like we made decisions together. Even when I started out disagreeing, it felt like our decision in the end. He never raised his voice, or made demands. Even now, he doesn’t use his “Dom card’ (the whole “that’s enough, do this because I said so” thing) on something as important as choosing where to live. He would never have let us move into that house, but he wouldn’t demand that I just comply without understanding or agreeing first. He wanted me to see that it was risky. As long as I do so respectfully, I get to disagree with him and express concerns. From the beginning, he earned the right to make the final call the hard way - by convincing me. 

[amysubmits]

Hindsight

Today Facebook’s “on this day” showed me a post from 2011. 3 or 4 years before we consciously chose to live D/s. It explains how a cashier was rude to me. We were in line with just a handful of groceries, and right before the cashier was about to scan an item I realized we had grabbed the wrong variety of something. I knew neither of us cared for the version we had grabbed, so we wouldn’t want to buy it. I pointed it out to @cynicaldom, and picked the item up off the conveyor belt. The cashier said “Give it to me and we’ll put it back.” So I handed it to her and stepped back. She sighs, looks at CD and says “Some people just aren’t very intelligent.”

I stood there silently, in shock. Did she not realize he and I were together? 

“That was EXTREMELY rude. Apologize to her.” he says. 

“Oh! SAHHH-REE” she says to me in a petulant tone. 

The store we were at was just around the corner from our apartment at the time. We were in the habit of grabbing odds and ends of groceries there pretty regularly. We stopped going there after that, though. 

By 2011 I had already fizzled out from updating my Facebook very frequently. It seems clear to me now that I shared the experience because it was meaningful for me. 

As soon as she suggested that I was stupid I just wanted to melt into the floor. I wanted to run. Or to just act like I didn’t hear anything. I was humiliated. Having him call her out was a little uncomfortable for me, because I just wanted to get out of there. Still, I was glad that he did. I loved that he wouldn’t let someone mistreat me. That he was looking out for me, and that he speaks up for what he believes in.