a personal update
I got diagnosed with narcolepsy and started treatment about a year ago, after over a decade of symptoms. And like, holy shit, it's been a huge positive change in my life! But also, it's been a HUGE CHANGE in my life? I had no idea how much of the way I'd learned to function was compensating for this thing that most people haven't experienced.
I've had to relearn some really dumb shit like "how to sleep" and "how much sleep" and "when a nap is acceptable" and "impact of environmental light on energy levels" and general sleep hygiene. But I've ALSO had to relearn a bunch of seemingly unrelated things that were heavily impacted, like "ideal amount of screen time" and "attention span" and "workplace preferences" and "decision making" and like ... everything else?
The whole rulebook switched up on me and my previous skills aren't nearly as relevant as they used to be. I feel like I was a level 27 fae barbarian, and then at level 28 I finally decided to multiclass to warlock. Turns out warlock is a lot easier for me to make progress in! But also I already threw all of my skillpoints into barbarian, so I'm basically a level 1 warlock even though my character level is 28. Everyone's asking me, "You're level 28, so why can't you do the most basic warlock skills?" Like. Listen. I'm great at using the barbarian rage skills whenever I want, but they're not all that helpful because strength has always been my lowest stat. And since I can't cast spells in a barbarian's rage state, which was my only main ability until this most recent levelup? I'm not very familiar with the entire concept of spellcasting as a whole.
Don't get me wrong, I'm SO GRATEFUL that I was able to receive a diagnosis and treatment. This is a much, much smaller problem to have than untreated narcolepsy was, and also it's one that I know will improve with time. BUT. I got through all of K12, all of uni, and several jobs before being diagnosed. For years I was told that everyone's tired, or it's just a motivation issue, or it's my sleep hygiene, or it's a symptom of a mood disorder. Even as I saw several doctors about the level of fatigue? When I was 16 a doctor heard my explanation and told me, "I don't think a sleep study would help you right now." In 2013ish as a minor? I had no idea that I even COULD protest that assessment.
So I just did the shit I needed to do anyway, and made it work. My whole life I've been able to fall asleep with no issues. Well-lit room full of people, TV blaring, no AC, sitting up in an uncomfortable chair, wearing jeans & a chest binder & boots? I'm still drifting off. During uni, I would crawl under the benches in the hallways outside of my classrooms, curl up around my backpack, and take a nap until I felt awake enough to commute home and actually go to bed.
The first day I took my narcolepsy meds, I was drifting off on the couch around sunset. When my roommate turned a lamp on, I sat up, looked around, and asked, "Is it normal to feel more awake when there's more light in the room?"
I used to have a pretty damn good attention span. I had already taught myself how to concentrate and what focus methods work for me. Turns out when you're fully awake and aware for, uh, the first time ever? It's a LOT easier to get distracted. By anything. Hypervigilance hits really different when you actually have the energy to physically look over your shoulder. My IRLs have been saying that it seems like I suddenly developed ADHD, and I think it probably does look that way to other people. But internally, I don't feel like an adult with ADHD. I feel like a nearly-30 adult with bills and errands and a full time day job, but who happens to have an attention span subpar to the average 10yo's. I don't think it'll stay that way, but until a year ago I had almost zero experience trying to focus while actually fully awake. I'd focused plenty, but I'd NEVER been fully awake.
tl;dr: Sorry for the huge slowdown in writing and overall responsiveness. Redistributing skill points can be a very slow process when very few of your current abilities are transferable to your current job class.
(See also: unlearning trauma responses when you find yourself safe for the first time in your life and have no idea what to do about it)
