#d-bag

[living-for-fiction]

My friend who I legit thought was dead has turned out to not be dead. Rejoice! I mean I'm killing him myself, BUT!

[living-for-fiction]

So my friend D, who has been homeless on-and-off for years, who does survival sex to keep a roof over his head, who is HIV positive and doesn't keep up with his fucking meds (istg I'm going to wring his neck) and who has gotten into hard drugs (meaning meth and heroin) is missing. Again. Last time I talked to him he swore he wasn't using, but the last time he told me he wasn't doing drugs was right after he started meth, and he's a shit liar anyway. I know he was doing drugs again. Last time I talked to him he said he had some stuff lined up with psychiatric help that he desperately needs and he was planning to stay out where he is because they have better services than our state (which I kind of doubt, but I'm not using state services so I could be entirely wrong) but that things were getting better. That was back in May. I've messaged him a few times since - calling isn't an option, since he doesn't always have a phone and he can't pay to keep the same number when he can get a phone. And according to his brother, he sold his phone.

His brother, who messaged my brother-in-law to see if we knew ANYTHING about where he might be and what's going on. My family and I do not have a good relationship with D's brother. He's a piece of shit, honestly. He beat the shit out of D when he found out D got into hard drugs despite the fact that he himself deals them. He treated D like trash when he came out. He's got a bunch of other issues that I'm not getting into because it is very much not my white ass's place to unpack his weird internalized racism... anyway, point is, dude sucks and we don't talk to him, my sister and bro-in-law only keep him around as a Facebook friend so that if something happens to D, we'll know because he'll post about it. Except now he's messaging US to see if we know anything about where D is or what's going on.

I just... fuck. At this point I'm used to not being able to get him on the phone. I'm used to sporadic contact that mostly turns into "I'm not dead." But every time it reaches this point, I do wonder if he's dead. If he OD'd, or went home with the wrong guy, or managed to get a car and thought he'd be able to turn his life around because now he could get a job, only to crash the damn thing.

There's not really anything I can do. He's an adult, he chose to go halfway across the country for some reason I don't remember, he's said he's getting help and I hope he is. But knowing what's happened before when he's dropped off the face of the earth and moved several states away with no warning, I'm very concerned for him.

If I didn't have a roommate, if I didn't need to keep having a roommate to afford my damn condo, I'd tell D to just shut the fuck up and move in with me next time I heard from him. A part of me hates that I didn't do that already. I let him crash with me for 3 weeks when he was homeless, unfortunately couldn't let him stay any longer due to rental agreement bullshit, but just...

I can't afford my home without a roommate, or I'd have offered my other room to D, I think. I can't have drugs in my home though, is the only other thing. And I don't believe him when he tells me he's clean. He's a shit liar.

I just really hope he isn't dead, that's all. I just want to hear back from him. And if he needs a place to crash for a few days I'd be happy to offer my couch, I think my roommate would be ok with that.

Most of my friends have done the upward spiral of moving up in the world. My brother-in-law got his massage therapy certification, my sister got her master's degree, other friends have gotten degrees and certifications and moved forward in life. I have too. I've been moving up in my career, in my kinda, getting experience and stuff, doing the adult thing. Buying the condo when my landlord offered to sell it to me. Very privileged to be able to do that even if I need a roommate to make the mortgage.

D hasn't been able to do that.

If I just had the means to fucking fully support myself without a roommate, I could have put D up here. I should have put D up here. I should have told him he could move in with me, everything else be damned.

I swear if we find him again, I want to be more of a resource for him. Let him stay with me for a few days, a week, I don't care. Help him find a fucking support system.

I feel helpless right now.

[zombii-pose]

[deklo]

Yahhhhh the new mobile theme slaps😳😳😳💚💚😌

eee thank youuu!! 🖤🖤🖤

[deklo]

3 and 22❤️

🥰🥰 this is so perfect because all of my photos of my dog (3) make me laugh (22)

i’m obsessed with him!

[faeparrish]

I always be asking myself am I going to reread trc and it's always yes unfortunately😔 good luck babes❤️

frrrr this shit has been on loop in my brain since i was like 16 🧎🏻💔

[deklo]

67 and 85!❤️

67: good luck charms?

I keep a saint anthony necklace charm in my wallet!! it was from my grandma and he was her fav saint. i’m not super religious but i keep it with me for good luck/a reminder of my grandma/he’s the saint you pray to when you misplace something so i think it comes in handy :) I also have a claddagh ring that i wear all the time no matter what that i kind of consider a good luck charm, but thats mostly because i feel wrong without it on!!!

85. fairy tales or mythology?

this one’s tough cause i like em both!! i was definitely raised with fairytales more and was interested in them as a kid, but i feel like now i’m more into mythology. i’ve always been into astrology which is rooted in mythology. i’m also a psych major :/ so i learned a weird amount of mythology in college because of that :/ and it definitely influenced me :)

thank uuuu <3

[living-for-fiction]

The more I watch The Good Place, the more Jason reminds me of this one friend of mine... while my friend is certainly not on Jason's level of wtf-ery, they have alarmingly similar energy.