so I read this post courtesy of @bixgirl1, @l0vegl0wsinthedark and @o0o-chibaken-o0o three times this morning, nearly cried laughing, and here I present to you: dumb dad Drarry on Career Day.
Albus Potter really just wanted two things: that new edition of Hogwarts: A History that Rose had been taunting him with all summer, and for his father to stop being so weird about the Career Day next week at Godric’s Hollow Primary School.
‘Dad, you’ll be fine, it’s just coming in to talk to my class for half an hour.’
Harry paced across the kitchen. ‘No - but - okay. So. You’re saying that...many people...will be coming…do you know…who…’
‘Um.’ Albus lowered his piece of toast. ‘Scorp’s dad is definitely coming. Talking about journalism.’ Harry squeaked and a glass fell off the counter. Albus sighed and put down his toast.
‘You shouldn’t be nervous, Dad, it’s awesome what you do.’
‘Oh, it’s...not that…’ Harry waved a hand in a feign of nonchalance and hurriedly Reparoed the glass. ‘I mean, I’ll bring in some of my new pieces.’
‘Cool.’ Albus raised an eyebrow as Harry bustled around the kitchen, not looking at him. He didn’t know why this was such a big deal; Harry was an amazing woodworker, combining magic and practical skill to create cribs that sung infants to sleep, or picture frames that adjusted size depending on the photo, or tables that set themselves. It was super cool and he was way happier than when he’d been an Auror.
‘I’ll ask your mums to come, too,’ Harry said, hurrying out of the kitchen. ‘Yes, that will work, that should make it fine…’
Albus shook his head, refilled his glass of orange juice, and thought about how he was going to break it to Lily and James that their father was going insane.
‘Scorp!’ Albus grinned at his best friend as he and Harry entered the crowded classroom, a swarm of parents and children. Harry trailed slightly behind Albus, clutching his box of shrunken wooden objects and making a small whimpering sound when Scorpius and his dad approached. Albus thought it was awesome that he and Scorpius were friends, as they both had the only gay parents in school. Well, Harry was bisexual, which he’d described to Albus as being able to fall in love with anyone. Albus thought it was ironic that his dad could have anyone and was still single, but when he told his parents this at their weekly family dinner, Luna and Ginny just laughed at Harry for about ten minutes straight and Albus felt a bit bad.
‘Hello, Albus,’ Draco beamed. He’d been very firm on that name - Mr Malfoy is my father, Albus, don’t be so formal - and he was always interested in chatting to Albus about history and Hogwarts and all sorts of things that Harry didn’t know much about. Harry was an excellent father, and Luna and Ginny were great mums, but none of them shared Albus’ bookishness. Draco looked at Harry then, his mouth twisted in a smile. ‘Potter.’
‘Malfoy.’ Albus looked at his Dad. Harry was blushing. God, was he that nervous?
‘Dad’s been nervous all week about today,’ Albus told Draco. Draco smirked.
‘Is that so, Albus?’
‘Yeah! But I’ve told him not to be, because he’s obviously awesome at what he does, and there’s no reason he should be nervous.’
‘Indeed. Your father is exceptionally...talented.’ Draco looked calmly at Harry, who looked about ready to pass out. ‘He’s so good with a bit of wood.’ Harry made a high pitched noise and Albus looked at him, brow furrowed.
‘Oh my god, Dad, relax.’
‘Sure,’ Harry wheezed. ‘I’m very relaxed.’ At that precise moment, Ginny and Luna arrived, and Harry almost jumped behind them.
‘Sweetheart!’ Ginny pinched Albus’ cheeks and he rolled his eyes. Luna enveloped him in a patchouli-and-vanilla hug. ‘Thanks for having us. Hi, Scorpius, Draco.’ Ginny grinned widely at Draco - who, for some weird reason - winked at her.
‘Hello, lesbians. How are you?’
‘Oh, very good,’ Luna said serenely. ‘The animal sanctuary is coming along so well, and it’s so nice being closer to Holyhead for Ginny’s practices.’
‘Yeah,’ Ginny said. ‘And the kids love it there, right?’
‘It’s really fun!’ Scorpius said, grinning. ‘I love the Kneazles, they’re so cute.’
‘Yes, I’ve always been rather partial to pussies,’ Ginny said, and Draco spluttered a laugh. Albus looked over to his dad, who looked like he wanted to die.
‘Adults are so weird,’ he said to Scorpius, who nodded in agreement. ‘Let’s go find Lily and Rose.’
…
The rest of the day passed fairly normally, although Harry huddled behind Ginny and Luna for most of it. That wasn’t too unusual - Albus knew his dad hated attention. What was unusual was the spluttering and choking sounds he seemed to be making a lot today.
‘Shh, for Godric’s sake Harry,’ Ginny scolded. ‘You’re fine.’
‘How am I supposed to be fine when he is there, looking at me like that…’
‘You’re so melodramatic. He likes you.’
‘No he doesn’t!’
‘Yes he does, Harry,’ Luna chimed in. ‘That’s why he’s flirting with you.’
‘But…’ Harry looked slightly hapless. Albus was deeply confused. He had no idea what flirting was.
‘I thought that much would be obvious after, erm, Albus’ birthday party.’
‘We said we’d never speak of that again,’ Harry hissed.
‘I’m just saying,’ Ginny held her hands up, ‘Draco only gets his co--erm, his dragon--out for men he actually likes.’
‘You think?’ Harry’s voice was very soft and Ginny snorted.
‘Yeah, you absolute fuckwit.’
‘Ginny!’ Luna scolded. ‘Children.’
‘It’s okay,’ said Albus, leaning back out of the row and whispering conspiratorially. ‘I know that fuck is a bad word. I won’t say it.’ Harry snorted in laughter and Ginny put her head in her hands.
‘We are not cut out for this,’ she moaned.
‘Agreed,’ Luna and Harry responded in unison.
…
At the end of Career Day, Ginny and Luna wandered over to collect Lily and Albus for the week. Albus was deep in a conversation with Scorpius about astronomy and was pleasantly surprised to see that Luna had his bag, too.
‘Come on, Scorp,’ Ginny grinned. ‘You’re staying with us tonight.’
‘No way!’ Scorpius looked thrilled and bowled his dad over in a hug. ‘Thanks!’
‘Behave,’ Draco smiled, and kissed his son gently on top of his head. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’ Harry was standing just next to Draco, cheeks very red and hands shoved in his old jeans.
‘I’ll see you on Sunday for family dinner,’ he told Albus and Lily, and kissed them goodbye. Luna and Ginny murmured something to Harry that made him make the weird choking noise again as they left, and Albus only heard one last sentence as Harry and Draco walked out the front of the building.
Written for @drarrymicrofic - prompt: “Dangerous” by Big Data ft. Joywave
Out of the Shadows - Drarry Microfic
“I swear they’re under there, Daddy. I heard them, they’re right under my bed.” Scorpius shuddered against Harry. His arms tightened around the frightened toddler.
“Well I’m here. And I can protect you from whatever it is, I’m sure. And if not, your dad is right next door and we all know what a furious temper he’s got. No monster would stand a chance.” Harry heard Draco scoff by the doorframe, watching Harry calm their son.
“But they come out of the shadows. It’s not safe, please can I sleep with you?” Scorpius little eyes were welling up, so Harry scooped the child into his arms and headed to Draco.
“Of course darling. Don’t worry, there’s no need to worry.” Harry cooed to Scorpius, watching as the little fist around his old t-shirt loosened. He gently pressed his lips to his temple and carried Scorpius to his and Draco’s room.
Draco rubbed Harry’s back and kissed his shoulder as their son fell asleep in his arms. All was well.
-
This is my first work for @drarrymicrofic, love this prompt, great song as well! :) it’s over 50 words but I hope that’s okay 🤍 any feedback is appreciated x
praying for the day someone would be inspired to write a long fic from your new dads spotted art. i like that piece a lot thank you for continuously sharing your wonderful talent
Aahhh thank you! It's one of my favourites too and i've always wanted to draw them getting spotted by the paparazzi!
Harry was positive that, one day soon, September 1st would stop feeling like he was forgetting something. He'd wake up, and not run around the house, looking for his trunk and Hedwig. He'd relax before grabbing his wand and casting a quick summoning charm on all his belongings. One year, he'd manage to remember that he was an adult, finished with school, and did not have a train to catch.
It just wasn't going to be this year.
As he stood in the middle of the room, naked and wand outstretched, a sleepy mumbled voice murmered a counterspell, making a ragged pair of black trousers fall out of the air and land on his shoulder.
"Potter," the voice sneered, louder and clearer now. "It has been nearly two decades. Are you seriously still packing for the platform?"
Harry turned and grinned, facing Draco's wrath full on. The man really hated being woken up.
"Get back in bed, you silly arse," Draco grumbled with a scowl, before he put down his wand and threw himself back into bed, facing away from Harry.
Harry laughed and crawled into the covers, curling himself around Draco's back.
"I mean, I was," he said against his husband's back. "But Draco?"
"Hm?"
"You do actually have to take the children to the train. It's your turn."
Harry laughed and ducked as Draco bolted upright and flew out of bed.
From the desk of Draco L. Malfoy, President, Diagon Alley Parents of (Future) Slytherins Support Community
Dear "James" "Stagson",
Thank you for contacting the Diagon Alley Parents of (Future) Slytherins Support Community (DAPFSSC). We encourage you to attend our next meeting (Thursday, August 12, 8pm at the meeting room in Flourish and Blott's) to discover the magic of our community first-hand. We believe that all children can grow and thrive if they are given the gift of parents who treat them as whole humans and who employ thought, loving discipline, and firm-yet-loving limits. It is our goal to empower our members to set such limits—a task that is difficult when your beloved child possesses that famed Slytherin cunning! All prospective members must commit to the community after one (1) trial meeting. Continued attendance, submission to Privacy Incantations, and active participation in meetings is expected of all members. We reserve the right to remove members from the group for any reason, and a copy of our operating procedures will be presented to you upon your decision to join our community.
Potter, you must be an utter idiot if you think I am fooled by your pseudonym. If you are right that one of your children is a Slytherin—and Merlin and Morgana, l hope you are right, because I can think of no greater karmic retribution for your excessive Gryffindorness—you can be sure that you need to step up your game. Had you signed your letter "John Smith," I probably would not have scrutinised the powerful magical signature the parchment was emitting, but with a ham-handed attempt like "James Stagson," you had no chance of fooling me. You have the subtlety of a hippogriff wearing a tutu trying to steal from a china shop, and your Slytherin child will find every such instance of weakness and poke holes in you until you resemble a block of swiss cheese. A block of swiss cheese that has been attacked by mice.
There is no possible way that DAPFSSC can give you advice by owl. For one, every parenting situation requires a thorough understanding of context. Our community is so successful because we are able to ask each other questions, refine our understanding of problems, offer anecdotes about what has worked for us, &c. It is a community effort, Potter; no one-size-fits-all-Saviours response is possible.
Moreover, and better to learn this now than when your Slytherin reaches his or her teenage years, you must consider how this will look to your child. What if he or she were to find correspondence in which you poured out your parenting woes to a group of strangers? He or she would not take kindly to such a revelation, I can assure you with some authority. Parenting a Slytherin is a job that requires absolute discretion, which is why we use Privacy Incantations to ensure that our members cannot go blabbing about other members' problems. What is discussed at DAPFSSC stays at DAPFSSC.
I hope you decide to join our community, Potter. Nothing would give me greater joy than to hear in detail your struggle to understand and to parent your Slytherin child.
Please let us know if you have any further questions, and the community looks forward to meeting you and hearing about your DS (DAPFSSC lingo for "Dear Slytherin," you'll catch on quickly!) soon.
In solidarity,
Draco L. Malfoy, President
On behalf of the membership of the DAPFSSC
I wrote a ficlet today about the chicken dance. Wtf. Better than lice, I guess.
The Potter-Malfoy children learn a new dance, and they can't wait to show Lucius and Narcissa.
This is for @callingdrarry, who created the verse. Read it here or on ao3.
“Can I please bring a video camera?” Harry asked with equal parts excitement and horror.
Draco, who was sitting in an armchair with his hand covering his face in resignation, sighed. “No you may not. This is going to be bad enough without you intentionally prodding them.”
James and Scorpia, dressed in their Fancy Manor Clothes, shouted, “NA NA NA NA NA NA NA!” with linked elbows and spun each other around in circles. Again.
*
When the Potter-Malfoy family tumbled out of the Floo into the Manor (and they did tumble: James ended up in some sort of somersault and Scorpia pulled Harry down into a tangle of limbs on the marble floor—only Draco managed to stay upright, his family strewn around him as if in a metaphor for the state of his Malfoyness), they met a disapproving house-elf.
“Master Lucius and Mistress Narcissa is waiting in the guest drawing room,” Tipsy announced.
“Thank you, Tipsy,” Draco said, taking a breath and arranging his face into its Manor-worthy facade.
The elf disappeared, and Draco immediately held up a hand at Harry, who had a crinkle at his eyes that indicated imminent joking. “Don’t,” Draco warned.
“Don’t what?” Harry asked innocently.
“Don’t make a joke about how you wish you were Tipsy.”
“I would never!” Harry objected with a fair bit of hyperbole, as he made that joke every single time they visited.
“It’s culturally insensitive,” Draco claimed, reaching out a hand to try to keep James in one place as he raised a teasing eyebrow at Harry. “You mustn’t let another species’ naming practices be the butt of your joke. I’m going to tell Hermione.”
“House-elves aren’t the butt of the joke!” Harry said, reaching his hands under Scorpia’s armpits and hoisting her up onto his hip. “The fact that your parents drive me to drink is the joke!”
Draco pressed his lips together, trying and failing to hide a smile. “Alright, Potter-Malfoys. Is everyone ready?”
“Yesssss!” James and Scorpia hollered.
“Is everyone on their very best Manor behaviour?” Draco asked, his voice becoming imperceptibly posher each time he opened his mouth since stepping through the grate.
“You BETCHA!” James yelled, reaching up to high-five his sister’s foot.
*
“Grandad! We learned a new dance!” James cried with gusto ten minutes later.
“Indeed?” Lucius asked with a bored drawl. “That’s lovely. Draco, have you taken them to see Madame Wexcombe?”
“I say,” Narcissa added, “if they’ve learned the Wizard’s Waltz I’d be tempted to host a small ball.” She turned to Lucius. “Remember how darling Draco looked dancing when he was small? Children, would you be so kind as to give us a performance?”
James smiled and Scorpia began bouncing up and down excitedly. “Yes!” Scorpia enthused. “We’ve been waiting all day, Grammamama.” Scorpia’s little mouth tripped over the syllables.
“It’s ‘Grandmother,’” Narcissa corrected with a smile that teetered on the line between fond indulgence and impatient vexation. “Come here, darling,” she said, holding hand out to Scorpia.
Scorpia looked at her dads, unsure what to do. Harry nodded his most encouraging smile, which, at the moment, came off as quite manic. Reassured nevertheless, Scorpia walked to Narcissa and allowed her grandmother to cast Charms at her hair, bringing the strands off of her face and into a tight chignon. Scorpia winced, but didn’t complain, and Harry squeezed Draco’s hand so hard that his fingernails left marks. Had it gone on one moment longer, one suspects, Harry would have exploded and stopped the madness either with screaming or with magic.
As it was, Narcissa finished her officious hair Charms, brushed down Scorpia’s itchy frills, and patted her back towards her brother. Narcissa looked briefly at James’s hair, but seemed to give that up as a bad job before she’d even begun.
“Can I make the piano play the song?” James asked, eyeing the grand piano that always stood, unused and dustless, in the corner of the large room.
Lucius raised a skeptical eyebrow. “You may try,” he drawled.
James, at seven, was much too young for a wand, or to have much control over his magic. And yet. He scrunched up his eyes, his little cheeks red and still slightly chubby as he stood on the threshold of older childhood, and suddenly the piano began to play, like one of those Muggle player pianos.
Narcissa’s face burst into a delighted smile for one brief moment, until she heard what the piano was playing, at first simply a kind of strange, insistent beat, and then her jaw fell in horror.
The children had their hands in front of them in the air, opening and closing their fingers like little mouths. Then they tucked their hands under their armpits and flapped their elbows.
“What in the name of Salazar’s spirit do they think they are doing?” Lucius seethed.
“It’s called the Chicken Dance,” Harry offered happily, watching his in-laws greedily as if this was the best programme on telly.
The children wagged their bottoms with exaggerated vigor, crouching down toward the marble floor, then sprang up and clapped their hands, all the while singing, “NA NA NA NA NA NA NA” at the top of their lungs.
Lucius had to avert his eyes.
Draco faked a sneeze in order to hide the laughter that he couldn’t keep from his face.
*
For the rest of the visit, Lucius and Narcissa were both abnormally quiet as they contemplated the depth of their descent into ignominy. They did manage to muster their society death glares for Harry.
Draco would try to explain that Harry was not responsible for the Chicken Dance blunder—that, in fact, Draco himself was the one who made the grave and irreversible error to introduce the dance to his children. It had been a low moment—before toothbrushing, like many low moments of parenthood—and Draco had grasped for anything to bring the children back from the brink of chaos and destruction. It was unfortunate that, in his desperation, he thought of the ridiculous dance he’d seen at Dudley and Greg’s non-wedding. Since then, the children hadn’t stopped doing the blasted dance for two weeks, and it was all his fault. But when he would try to explain this to his parents—because he may have been an arsehole but he was not a feed-the-spouse-to-his-horrible-parents type of arsehole—they wouldn’t believe him.
“It was worth it,” Harry would say later, once the children were asleep and their poultry-themed festivities were confined to dreams. “I only wish you’d let me bring a video camera. You have to buy me a Pensieve now.”
“Consider it purchased,” Draco would say. Because if there was anything the Malfoy coffers were good for, it was buying things for his husband that would be used to poke fun at his parents, and to ensure that the Potter-Malfoy children’s fowl dancing would be preserved for all time.
"Dad, please, you have to make him stop," Scorpius sighed, exhaling dramatically as he entered the room.
"Why hello, darling son of mine that I've not seen since Christmas," Draco deadpanned. Scorpius sighed again, and Draco smiled. "Fine. What is he doing?"
"He he found a joke book at Rose's primary school fair! He and Uncle Ron said them all the way home from the train," Scorpius looked so unamused that Draco was tempted to laugh, but managed not to. Scorpius looked incredulous. "I'm serious, Dad! I swear he's memorized the whole thing!"
"Darling," Draco smiled, putting down his book. "I'm saying this with the most love, but do you think maybe this is the end of term talking?
"What? No, Dad, seriously....just wait till he starts with you. They're terrible jokes."
"I mean, you're always just a bit short with us the first few days of holidays." Draco shrugged.
"Ugh. Whatever," Scorpius cried, throwing himself into an arm chair. "You'll see."
"Hey, you didn't kill the kids," Draco smiled as Harry trudged tiredly into the room.
"Never do, but you don't trust my driving," Harry smiled, sitting beside Draco and stretching out. He looked exhausted.
"So, Scorpius tells me you've acquired a new skill?"
Harry grinned wickedly and sat up.
"Hey, Draco," Harry said, glancing at Scorpius as he groaned. "This is my stepladder."
"Um....what?" Draco said, quirking his eyebrow and looking between Harry and Scorpius.
"This is my stepladder." Harry repeated. "I never knew my real ladder."
Draco just stared at him, opening his mouth and closing it several times.
"See? Do you see??" Scorpius groaned.
"Draco," Harry continued, unfazed and unblinking. "What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday?"
Draco cautiously smiled a small smile, more because of the glee on Harry's face and the exasperation on Scorpius' than anything else.
"What did the pirate say?" Draco replied, suppressing his grin.
"Aye matey," Harry said, barely containing his giggle and making Draco snort.
"Dad!" Scorpius shouted. "You're laughing! I don't believe you two!"
"Draco," Harry gasped through his laughter. Draco gave up pretending he wasn't laughing; it had been years since he'd been able to resist a smiling, laughing Harry. It was frequently very annoying, since Harry had figured this out disturbingly quickly and from that point on, Draco had found it very hard to stay angry at Harry for long.
"What, you nutter?" Draco laughed, ignoring Scorpius' exasperation.
"Why aren't koalas real bears?"
Draco just shrugged.
"They don't meet the koala-fications...." Harry howled as Draco laughed lightly at him.
"Merlin, you two are the worst! I need a new family!" Scorpius shouted again, storming away and slamming the study door behind him.
"Well, you've succeeded in pissing off the teenager. You can stop with the bad jokes now," Draco grinned, curling back onto the sofa and leaning on Harry.
"For sure," Harry agreed, running a hand through Draco's hair. "Hey guess what?"
"Hmm?" Draco said sleepily.
"A new type of broom came out."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah," Harry said. Pulling Draco's chin up until their eyes met. "It's sweeping the nation."
He pushed Draco off his lap and laughed heartily the whole way out of the room.
