Who Said It Was Easy (Stucky x Reader)
Pairing(s): Dads!Stucky x Mom!Reader, (OC’s: Margaret Sarah and Elena Brookyln Rogers-Barnes)
Warnings: postpartum depression, anxiety, Steve being a bit of a dick, swearing Summary: People mention how wonderful life is when you have children. What they fail to mention is the damage is causes. Italics = thoughts
Y/N’s POV Weeks had passed since Steve, Bucky, and I brought the girls home. It was an easy adjustment going back home from the hospital. Neither of the girls seemed to be fazed by all the noise that went on around the house, especially when Steve and Bucky started going back on missions. But, I couldn’t help shake the feeling of uneasiness that rested heavy on my shoulders. It was probably the baby blues. It happens to most mothers after they have their babies.
I knew today wasn’t going to be that great. Waking up and getting out of bed felt like an almost impossible task. That was until I heard a shrill cry come from the room right across from me. The boys had been out of town on a mission, that Tony said would only take a couple of days. Sighing, I finally pushed myself out of the bed and walked over to the girls’ nursery, picking up Elena as her face turned bright red with every cry. “What’s wrong, baby girl?”
I tried everything: feeding her, burping, rocking back and forth. But nothing was working. And then Maragret started crying. Tears of my own welled up in the corners of my eyes as thoughts of doubtfulness pecked at my brain. “You’re doing it wrong. You aren’t fit to be a mother.”
I must’ve spaced out because the first thing I heard, instead of Elena and Margaret crying, Steve’s voice was ringing in my ears. “What the hell? Y/N. Do you not hear them?” I looked up just in time to see Steve carefully taking Elena out of my arms and Bucky picking Margaret up from her crib, their cries immediately quieting down. “See? They’re better off without you. Everyone is.”
“I had it, Steve.” Steve looked over at me like I head three heads floating on my shoulders.
“You had it?! Y/N, we could hear them crying before we even walked in the front door. You didn’t have it.” Steve’s voice was stern, a series of chills running up and down my spine. “J-just go. We’ve got it from here, ok?” Steve turned around, his back facing me as he walked out of the room, presumably downstairs to make bottles for the two girls. Bucky followed in suit, leaving me alone with the nasty thoughts swirling around in my brain.
~~Time skip~~ It’s been a couple of hours since Steve and Bucky returned home. After they had made their way downstairs to feed Elena and Margaret, I slowly, but surely, walked back to our shared bedroom and closed the door, having FRIDAY lock the door and make sure nobody got in. Not even the two loves of my life.
What Steve said kept playing in the back of my mind. “You didn’t have it.” He’s right. I didn’t have it. I didn’t have what it meant to be a mother, the sane thought of mind, the ability to take care of the two most important and vulnerable people in my life. Thinking about it now, it didn’t seem like a bad idea to just get up and walk away, act as none of this had ever happened. Act as if I never got recruited to the Avengers, met Steve and Bucky, had our children. None of it would’ve happened. Maybe that’s what’s best...for everyone.
“Look at you. Pathetic. Weak. A waste of everyone’s time. You don’t deserve this.” The darkness and quietness in the room only made me that much more aware of everything happening inside my body. I could hear the blood streaming through my veins, every little noise around me was amplified tenfold. My heart pounded against my chest at, what felt like, a million miles an hour. More tears spilled as my breathing picked up, becoming that much more unstable and rigid.
“Miss Y/N, your heart beat is much more elevated than it should be. I am showing signs of a severe anxiety attack. Would you like me to alert Sergeant Barnes and Captain Rogers?” I shook my head no before realizing she couldn’t see me.
“N-no! Don’t tell them.” I quickly declined her offer, knowing this would pass sooner or later. “Don’t.” There was a ringing in my ears that wasn’t there before and my vision began to swim, black dots surrounding my peripherals. My lungs felt tighter, like I was trying to breathe in salt water; dense, heavy on myself.
Bucky’s POV Steve and I just got finished laying Elena and Margaret back down when FRIDAY announced herself. “Sergeant Barnes, Captain Rogers, it seems that Miss Y/N is having a severe anxiety attack.” We quickly, yet quietly, made our way across the hall, closing the door behind us.
Steve was quicker than I was, getting to the door first, only to find it locked. “Y/N? Sweetheart, open the door please.” We knocked on the door, still not getting a response.
“FRIDAY, unlock the door,” I said, still jiggling the door handle as if that would just magically unlock the damn thing.
“I have been authorized by Miss Y/N to not let anybody enter the master bedroom.” I sighed, moving Steve out of the way and pressing my forehead against the cool metal that separted the three of us.
“Y/N. Fata dulce. Te rog deschide ușa. Cel puțin pentru mine.” I knew Steve wasn’t very well versed in Romanian but Y/N and I were.
“Îl doare pe James,” her hoarse voice was distant. I could tell she had been crying with the thickness in her words.
“Știu că doare, iubito. Dar trebuie să mă lași să întru ca să te pot ajuta, bine? Așa cum faci tu și Steve pentru mine, nu-i așa?” Even from outside of the room, I could hear her heartbeat speed up, like she’d just ran a marathon.
“Nu Steve. Nu-l vreau.” The fear in her voice made my heart sink down into my stomach. Turning back, I looked at Steve, a look of confusion on his face.
“What did she say,” he asked, clearly concerned for her wellbeing.
“She...doesn’t want to see you right now. I’m sorry, bub.” Steve looked at me like I was crazy.
“What do you mean she doesn’t want to see me? I-I didn’t do anything. Right?” Listening to Steve made my heart sink even more.
“I’m not sure what’s happening with her but I’m gonna find out, ok? Why don’t you just go sit with the girls until I come back out and get you, alright?” Steve sighed but nodded, heading back across the hall and going back into the girls’ nursery, closing the door behind him. “Dragă, mă poți lăsa să intru acum. Steve s-a întors în cameră cu Margaret și Elena, bine? Sunt doar eu aici.”
The clicking of the lock was what brought me out of my thoughts. I quickly pushed my way inside of the room, only to close the door and ask FRIDAY to lock it again. “Of course, Sergeant Barnes.” The lock clicked back into place as I looked around the room, my eyes immediately landing on Y/N’s shaking figure, planted dead-center on our bed. “Oh sweetheart.” The quietness of the room made my voice sound ten times louder than the actual whisper that came out of my mouth.
Quickly making my way over to Y/N, I kneeled in front of her, taking in her disheveled appearance: red blotches from the tears, lips swollen from constantly biting them, hunched over while quiet tears streamed down her cheeks. “Y/N? Can you look at me, dragă?” Her head stayed in the same place it was when I walked in, eyes locked on the blanket below her yet staring off into the distance, like nobody was home. “Baby, please look at me? I can’t help if I don’t know what’s wrong,” my voice begging, hell pleading, with the girl I love to let me in.
“I-I didn’t have it.” Her fingers fidgeted with the blanket before I grasped her hands in mine. “He was right.”
I scoffed, letting go of her hand and hooking my fingers underneath her chin, making her look at me. “Is that what this is all about?” Y/N nodded, the tears finally falling. I sighed, pulling her against my chest as sobs racked through her body. “Baby, don’t listen to a word that asshole says. He will never understand what you’re going through, neither will I. Ok? He never should’ve said that to you. It was completely out of line, especially for Steve.” I ran my hands up and down her back in a comforting motion as her cries slowly turned into sniffles nad hiccups. “I’m gonna go talk to him. Maybe beat some sense into his dumb ass.” Y/N chuckled quietly as she pulled away from me, her face blotched red from crying so hard.
I wiped away any left over tears she had with the sleeve of hoodie and got off the bed. “Why don’t you try and get some rest? I know you must be exhausted.” As I headed towards the door, Y/N made her way underneath the covers. I turned off the lights before opening the door. “I love you.”
“Love you too, Buck.” Her voice was hoarse and she sounded exhausted which seemed about right.
Walking into the hallway, I closed to door quietly as not to alert Y/N nor Steve. I made my way across to the nursery and gently opened the door, seeing Steve standing over Margaret’s crib, watching on as she slept. “Steve, I need to talk to you. Now,” I said, my voice low as my anger rised.
He sighed and walked away from her crib and into the hallway. I walked down to the kitchen so that neither Y/N or the twins would hear us arguing, Steve following in tow.
We finally made it to the kitchen when I turned around and grabbed Steve by the collar of his shirt. “What the fuck is wrong with you, Rogers?!” A look of fear and confusion passed over Steve’s face at my outburst. “Have you lost your goddamn mind?”
“What the hell are you talking about, Buck,” he asked as he pushed my hands down, away from his shirt.
“What am I talking about? Oh let’s see, telling Y/N she didn’t have it. That’s the reason she locked herself in our room. Do you even realize how hard it must’ve been for her, alone with both twins for the first time since they were born?" Looking at Steve, I immediately saw the regret hit him like a shitload of bricks fell from the sky. "That's what I thought."
“I-I did this to her?” I nodded, folding my arms over my chest. He ran his hands over his face as he started pacing around the room. “What the hell do I do? She probably doesn’t wanna see me.” Steve continued to ramble until I walked in front of him, stopping him from burning a hole in the ground.
“Well, you can start by going upstairs and apologizing to Y/N. Make things right with her,” I stated in a matter-of-fact voice. “Then, you can do whatever she needs you to do; hold her, go check on the girls, whatever she needs. Because that was a dick move you pulled, Steve.” He nodded before taking in a deep breath, calming himself down before making his way up to our room.
Y/N’s POV The room was dark and quiet as I tried to fall asleep, like Bucky suggested. But my mind couldn’t stop racing. A plethora of thoughts filled my brain, wrapping their venom-filled whispers speaking directly in my ears. You’ll never be enough, they said. And I believed every word.
Teetering on the edge of unconsciousness, I was pulled back into the land of the living when a sudden knock hit the door. “Y/N?” Steve. “Sweetheart, can I come in please?” Without letting me answer, he walked in, a quiet sigh leaving his lips.
Making his way over to me, Steve kneeled in front of me, a look of pure dread and utter regret crossing his features. I took a quick look at him before turning my attention to the oh so interesting beige wall straight ahead. “Baby, I am so sorry. I never meant t-to hurt you in anyway. It’s just...we came back and you were just standing there. It’s like you were a zombie; there wasn’t any emotion on your face when I walked over to you.” Steve gently ran his hand through my tangled hair, pushing it behind my shoulder.
“So you had to tell me I didn’t have it?” My voice was nasally from all the crying that’d happened before Steve came in. “Do you know how hard it was to deal with not one but two babies Steve? All by myself. A-and I couldn’t call anyone because I would’ve bothered them. And you and Buck weren’t here to help and I just...” I couldn’t even finish my sentence as I broke down again, sobbing into the shared covers of our bed.
Steve immediately hold me, pulling me close to him. “Doll, I cannot apologize enough. I will never be able to know exactly what you are going through. But things are gonna start changing around here, ok?” He pulled back from the hug, grabbing a tissue and wiping the tears off my face. “I’m gonna stay home more, spend more time with you and the girls. Hopefully Bucky too but who knows?” Steve threw the tissue in the garbage before sitting me up and sitting himself on the edge of the bed.
“Well, I’ve already talked to Fury and he’s willingly agreed to send us on less missions,” Bucky stated with a matter-of-fact tone in his voice as he stood in the doorway. He walked closer, settling himself right next to me, and wrapping an arm around my shoulders. “Y/N, you know you could’ve called us. It doesn’t matter if we were on a mission halfway across the globe or at the grocery store. We would’ve dropped everything, and I mean everything, to come back to our girls. There’s no shame in needing help. Even if it’s hard to admit it.”
I nodded, sniffling away the tears that had stayed behind. “I-I know. I just...wanted to prove that I could do this on my own, I guess,” my voice quiet against the emptiness of the bedroom walls. "I wanted you guys to be able to go back the way things were; you two going on missions, doing debriefings, hell even having team nights. I didn't want to bother you."
Bucky's right hand ran up and down my arm in a comforting motion. "Sweetheart, nothing is going to go back to the way it was. And honestly, I don't want it to. Cause now I have two more reasons to come home in one piece. Before you got pregnant, it was just you and Steve I had to take care of. Now, I get to take care of my two best girls. So, if that means going on less missions, less debriefings, spending less time with the team, hell, I'm all for this. I'd rather be up here with you four then downstairs with people that I still barely know. Ok?"
I nodded, feeling him press a chaste kiss to my temple. His way of saying that everything's going to work out. Even if it took some time.
Translations: 1. Fata dulce. Te rog deschide ușa. Cel puțin pentru mine. - Sweet girl. Please open the door. At least for me. 2. Îl doare pe James. - It hurts James. 3. Ştiu că doare, iubito. Dar trebuie să mă lași să întru ca să te pot ajuta, bine? Așa cum faci tu și Steve pentru mine, nu-i așa? - I know it hurts, baby. But you have to let me in so I can help you, okay? Like you and Steve do for me, don’t you? 4. Nu Steve. Nu-I vreau. - Not Steve. I don’t want him. 5. Dragă, mă poți lăsa să intru acum. Steve s-a întors în cameră cu Margaret și Elena, bine? Sunt doar eu aici. - Honey, you can let me in now. Steve went back to the room with Margaret and Elena, okay? It’s just me here.