Warnings: ****trigger warning- this series deals with issues of addiction and abandonment- reader discretion advised:
*****trigger warning 2- a suicide attempt occurs in this section- if this is triggering please do not engage with this work*****
Language, references to drug use, references to a bio-attack,
Rating: 18+
Category: angst
Summary: Ethan tells Alan about the feelings of resentment he has towards him in relation to Louise. Ethan comes to a realization and Louise sets her plans in motion.
Disclaimer: characters, plot points and dialogue (actual and paraphrased) belong to Pixelberry.
Authors note: so as mentioned this chapter deals with a a suicide attempt. Most of you do not live in Australia so it will be useless for me to mention our support services for this. I also know that some of you have been dealing with and I will presume others will know someone with depression so I will perfectly understand you not reading this installment. It is sad that people feel that they have to resort to this action as a way of escape but there are people and services out there that are there to help. We all have our struggles and it is our choices of how we deal with these struggles also.
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Ethan opens the door, knowing who is on the other side. Alan breathes a sigh of relief. “ I am relieved to see you are alright, son” said Alan as he entered Ethan’s unit.
“I have been busy, dad” said Ethan. He knew it was a lie as he had been avoiding him deliberately but it was the best lie he had.
“I know Ethan, I understand that but you still normally take my calls.”
It was then that Alan noticed Casey.
“I see I am interrupting .”
Casey insisted they were not. Alan could see Casey mouth something to Ethan which made him feel like he was indeed interrupting.
Ethan ensured Casey knew what was happening with the chicken and guided down to the living room.
“The truth is dad is that I have been avoiding you. When myself and Casey followed mum, it made me realize that part of the reason why I have kept a distance from you is that I could not understand why you still loved her, especially after what she did to us, to me.”
“I always knew you were angry son but I thought it was at her, not me.”
“I could never understand how you still loved her after what she did.
“We’ll love is a complicated emotion, I thought you knew that.”
Ethan internally winced, his own struggles with that emotion became all too apparent not to mention trying to figure out what his exact feelings were for Casey. He sees her leaving. He excuses himself and walks Casey out. I place a hand on her shoulder and say thank you. She leans in and we kiss. All the pent up emotion is poured into it. It is long and deep but finally we separate. She looks up at me.
“Ethan, what does this mean?”
“I don’t know, we will talk about this.”I do know what it means,even though I do not tell her. The reset is to be damned. I genuinely want to explore what we could be but my dad has ensured that it is not a discussion for tonight. I kiss her again, tenderly this time and I watch her as she walks down the street and drives past in her uber.
I head back upstairs to my unit.
“Are you sure I was not interrupting, Ethan?”
“No dad, the discussion we need have needs to continue.” Said Ethan as he punched the bridge of his nose.
“As I was saying before I saw Casey off, I at the time and now can not understand why you loved her. It was as if her leaving had little impact on you.”
Alan winced.
“Of course it did, I may have not outwardly showed much emotion, but I was hurt.”
“Why? How could you still love her? She just up and left with no warning?”
“I know it was without warning, Louise was always one to shy away from deep negative emotions so even though I do not know why and possibly never will know. Is it frustrating? Of course it is but I fell in love with and married Louise knowing this full well.” Alan sighed. “Love can not be switched off like a switch. Yes we married young but we had known each other before we even started dating. Those type of deep connections never leave us, Ethan.”
Ethan sat there deep in thought. He thought back on his own life. Tobias, Delores, Naveen, how deep the endings of those relationships had cut when they had ended or were on the cusp of in the case of Naveen. Then the thoughts turned to Casey and his cowardice. How he had done what Louise did, ran off without a word. Yes he came back eventually but he ran to rid himself of what he felt but it did not work, if anything as time had marched on, his feelings had only gotten stronger.
The timer went off and Ethan went to serve dinner.
“Another reason why I did not show much emotion when everything happened is because I needed to step up. I was the sole parent. A part of me felt it the easier option to bury the emotions deep and just get on with trying to parent the best I could. I realize now that was in detriment to you of course, the turmoil you had to be going through would not have been easy to deal with. I am sorry I was not there for you then, Ethan.”
“I do understand why you needed to carry on Dad. I was the one who closed myself off. It was me who has had the trust issues and feelings of unworthiness since then. How could I expect someone who was not a blood relative to stick around when my own mother saw fit not to.”
“I do not think you were the cause of her leaving, Ethan.” Said Alan.
“We will never know why Dad. For all we know it was me.”
Alan knew that Ethan was right but he did not believe it. He knew how wanted Ethan was, even before he was born.
“I don’t think I was ever fully angry at you dad, much of it was the situation and at Louise, you were just convenient to take my anger out on and not understanding where you were at too…”
“It is ok Ethan. I am glad we have had this chat.”
“Me too dad.”
Ethan told Alan about the day he and Casey followed Louise and how she had shop lifted. Alan was saddened to hear what had become of Louise. Alan then left. Ethan stayed up for a bit, thinking about the discussions that he had just had. It was long overdue he admitted and it felt freeing to finally not only understand where his dad was coming from but the feelings he went through at various break downs. His thoughts then turned to Casey. He replied to her message thanking her for letting her know that she was home safe. He was genuine in wanting to explore what they could be. He reflected on how easily he has trusted her in the beginning, especially with Naveen. How she was willing to be more than professionally cordial after his cowardice and what appeared to be a reciprocation of feelings. He had shot his main arguments for not pursuing anything in the foot a few ago when he admitted to her that she is just a resident but a peer. Then he realized he was scared. Scared of being hurt, also doing the hurting. He still felt that he did not deserve a chance but if Casey felt he did then he was going to take it.
The next day comes and I am at Mass Kenmore. I get where Casey is coming from, needing to feel in control of something but surely there had to be a better way. We kiss again. It was so we were not caught finding out where the senator was but there was no denying the emotion behind it. We get the senator to come to Edenbrook and I make the decision to hold out until after we have figured out what is making the senator unwell.
We figure it out and start treatment. I admit that there is a feeling of pride having one upped Tobias but once the treatment is done I know it means that Casey and I can have a long overdue discussion of our own. We are at a TV studio to do an interview. I can not help but marvel at her humbleness given the diagnosis was hers and then proud when she gets him all flustered and committing to some very progressive legislation. I then become mortified when I am asked if I am single. I state that I am not. Casey asked me about it after and I said what do people say, it’s complicated as I brush my lips against hers. We then head back to the hospital.
It had been a day, there had been stares from various staff and I had thankfully avoided Naveen. I make my way to the office and I see Casey’s laptop open. I look at the screen, my heart is in my throat and my stomach drops. I make my way to the senator’s room. My heart stops as I see the chaos inside. Casey tells me what happened. I assure her that I will fix this. I get staff to evacuate the floor, get Casey and her friend to cover off the vent whilst I call the CDC. The come and rig up the proper quarantine tent. Casey had the least exposure but we do not know what was deployed. We begin the search. It is tedious and so far coming up empty. Dr Trinh then states that she knows where the senator is hiding and we track him down. We get access to his aide. He is not much help but the FBI are able to share with us what they have ruled out which helps us. I make a mental note of the symptom progression and that enables us to hopefully buy us more time. I also come to a startling revelation. It is indeed love I feel for Casey and now I am extra motivated to ensure she is cured.
I am a mess of emotions so when Tobias Carrick comes walking up stating that we have the best of what Mass Kenmore has to offer as well I am shocked. Appreciative as well. They came at a great time too, we know that it was a maitotoxin. I stay with Casey, not caring what others may think. I tell her that I regret pushing her away and that I cared about her. The teams come up with an antidote and I administer it. I chat briefly with Tobias before he leaves, thanking him for helping us out. He said I would have done the same, he is right. A part of me is bitter that we have not reconciled, more time has passed and we have gotten older and perhaps wiser but that is not a chat for today.
A week later and it is time for the funerals of Danny and Bobby. I am relieved that there were not any more funerals from the attack but I am concerned about Casey. I had not factored in the mental anguish she is in. We had a fiery encounter earlier at the wake. I know that she needs to feel in control but there is a time and place. I end up staying and taking her home. I tell her that I am done hiding outside of work the feelings I have. We have an intense session and she stays with me for two weeks.
She discovered one of the letters I had written in the Amazon. I still could not bring myself to admit the truth, that I was in love with her. She was relieved that I did not regret the times I was intimate with her. What I did regret was my actions. She could sense I was holding back but she let it go.
Meanwhile Louise puts the final steps of her plan in motion. She has given up hope of Ethan reaching out. She now knows that he works at Edenbrook. It would seem logical just to go and see him there, apologize for the emotional damage she knows she has caused and walk away one last time like the coward she is but when you have gone without so you can save what little money you have to get the one last hit you know will end it all you do not think rationally.
She meets her dealer and makes the purchase. He admits that he is shocked at the size of the dose. Louise mentions nothing of her plan. It takes her a few days to work up the courage to take the heroin. Even at the end she is still a coward. Her hands are shaking.
“Fuck” she says as she misses a vein. She tries again more successfully this time. The hit is strong and for a brief moment she feels invincible. She roams about, not knowing exactly where she was until she collapses. She is not aware of what is happening until she is in hospital. She hears someone saying, “it is your mother” then briefly clear as day she sees Ethan before slipping again. She feels the compressions then feels an injection then she is taken away.
Ethan is thrown. After that day with Casey he consciously chose not to reach out, fearing she only wanted contact for financial reasons. Never did he expect for her to come into emergency in the throes of an overdose. Casey follows him. He did not want to burden her with his issues, even though she was aware of Louise. He needed to be alone. He was angry at her for being here, upset that she was an addict. He storms out of the on call room to the diagnostic team office. He knows that Louise will be here for at least three days as was procedure. Too many questions as to what to do. Does he send her to rehabilitation? Would that be a waste? His head is ready to explode. He calls Alan, letting him know what has happened. Alan is shocked and saddened to hear what had happened. When Alan had spoken to Louise she never mentioned what she had been upto all these years. He knew she was a hard worker bordering on workaholic before she had Ethan but drug addiction seemed unlikely. He was busy the next few days but did say he would come up.
The next morning Ethan spots Casey leaving Louise’s room. She says that the pain she is going through is genuine. I sense she is holding something back but I do not push her. I am still at a loss at what to do and the perfect distraction comes my way. The team is requested by my old friend Rodney to come up to his resort at Dagger Mountain. We leave for the mountain. The case is perplexing, on the surface it looks like altitude sickness but we are not that high up for that. We decide to take turns observing Paula. I go first then I join the rest of the team. I give an update to Casey and we head to my suite so we can discuss in private.
We touch on Louise, I state it is disconcerting and that I share personality traits with an addict. We then play a game of pretend and I pull Casey up asking if she was using the game to help her ignore what I know she is still going through post attack. She states it is what she wants to do and she is not using it as a means to escape. We kiss and I ask her to stay. The snow is a romantic backdrop and if I am here with the woman I want to be with then I am going to take that opportunity. We go multiple rounds. I am physically sated but still mentally awake. I think how lucky I am to have Casey in my arms, not just after the attack but after everything. How I wish to tell her I love her, surely her work on the team would quell some of the rumour mill? Ethan decides that it best to see how things go before going public. He goes to sleep happy, both blissfully unaware of the storm they will walk into the next day.
Authors note 2: ok we have reached where Tashland diverged from canon. My 14-20 rewrite of book 2 can be found on my masterlist here. There is a happy ending I promise.
