Warnings: sexual content, mentions of mental illness, language
Rating: Mature
Word Count: 3037
Summary: Ethan and Casey’s rendezvous at Dagger mountain becomes the talk of the hospital. The fallout from this will be explored.
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Pixelberry
Authors note: So you are all thinking, didn’t Tash already do a rewrite of book 2 ch14-20? You would be right but this was one of the first things that I wrote and I have developed the story and characters so much more since and there are elements of some parts that don’t really fit the narrative and also parts that I want to build on to enrich the story.
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June is alone in the diagnostics office, making a coffee on Ethan’s coffee machine. June had been frustrated for awhile now. She knew that Naveen had directed Ethan to put Dr Casey Valentine in the vacant position on the team when Dr Valentine, along with one of the other interns figured out what was wrong with Naveen but she could not stop the feeling she had when she found out that it was not on merit. Ethan had given a short version of the events that lead to Dr Valentine being installed on the team but she was not convinced. Ever since Ethan had started working closely with Dr Valentine, his demeanour at work had changed in subtle ways. When he rage quit before the Ethics hearing, she was convinced there was more to the story. A conversation she had overheard with Harper Emery and Dr Tanaka before the hearings confirmed her suspicions when overheard that Ethan Ramsey was not allowed to testify on her behalf. From then on June made it her business to know about Casey and to try and get her on side as she needed an ally in the room but she saw through the ploy. This only fed her suspicions when she was told by Casey that their history does not affect their work. She was convinced that there had to be an arrangement. Ethan had not had a relationship since Harper and yet that ended up being more of an arrangement. Tobias Carrick, was now convinced that his feelings were genuine and she was determined to find out who was right and also if the relationship could be used to further her career ambitions.
After having trouble finding proof, she landed on a gold mine. She overheard Ethan and Casey start a conversation about a patient but then stated that he wanted to continue the conversation somewhere more private. June followed at a safe distance, ensuring that she was not seen. They then entered his room. June quietly snuck in to the room next door and listened in. She found the the conversation initially somewhat droll, I mean who talks about other careers then she heard it,
“You’re not using this game to escape what is going on are you?”
“I promise I’m not, I am taking it one day at a time and right now I feel this is what I am meant to be doing.”
June ponders on this for a bit then she hears another interesting snippet.
“Casey, will you stay with me tonight?”
“What you don’t want to be alone in the storm?”
“Why would I choose to be alone when I have the woman I have been yearning to spend every night with?”
June sits there in shock. Tobias was right. If it was only an arrangement as she thought what was asked would not be asked…right? She messaged Tobias and did her turn at watching over their patient.
June is still sitting in the office, thinking how best to deploy what she knows when Baz walks in. He gives her an update on how Paula is going then gets to work on his own patients. June decides to leave Baz to it and starts to plan her next move. She is walking past a nurses station when the phone rings. It is Tobias. He apologises for not returning her text sooner. June tells Tobias what she heard. June was asked what she was going to do. She was again frustrated
Meanwhile, Casey is catching up on her patients after the night away. She is glad to see all are stable. She is checking on Dr Ortega’s patients when she gets a page. She goes to the nurses station to get lab results for Paula. Casey notices that one of the nurses looks at her oddly but thinks nothing of it as she reads the results. She heads to the diagnostics office. Whilst on the way to the office she overhears a voice saying “yeah she slept her way on..”
Casey ignores this for now and she arrives into the office.
“I have Paula’s results”
“You see what I see?”
“The lithium yes.”
They go to chat with Timothy and he tells them what happened. Ethan than decides to go and see his mum and Casey follows Timothy. She stands outside the room while Timothy tells Paula. A few interns walk past her and they start snickering. That’s odd Casey thinks to herself. Timothy then pops his head out and asks me to come in. Paula looks upset but is also somewhat relieved that she knows what is going on finally. Paula wants to know what is next and I explain that we will ensure that she is on a correct dosage. It will require regular checks. I also advise Paula about some mental health support services as well but leave this up to her if she wants to use them.
The gossip reaches the ears of Naveen and he is mortified at what he is hearing. He had his suspicions whilst he was being treated by Ethan and Casey that there was something between them. When he announced that Casey was awarded the Junior fellow, Ethan’s reaction was telling and when Ethan met with him to tell him about Brazil, his suspicions were confirmed. He had seen Casey work and he knew that she certainly got to where she is on merit. He goes to track down Ethan, despite the maliciousness of what he had heard, if the happenings of the night before were true then he was very happy that Ethan had found a way around his principles. He finds Ethan, standing out of sight of a patient.
“I have never seen you so anxiously at a patient, Ethan”
“That patient is my mother Naveen. “
“Oh.” Naveen had been told about Louise and Naveen knew it was not a topic to push him on.
“Would you like to come to my office?”
Ethan nods and they make their way. A few odd looks were noticed by Ethan. They make their way to Naveen’s office. Ethan was bracing for questions about his mother so he was surprised when Naveen congratulated him. Ethan was perplexed.
“I suppose you have not heard any gossip today, but if the rumour mill is to be believed then I can presume yourself and Casey are an item?” Questioned Naveen.
Ethan is mortified that his relationship was apart of the gossip.
“After the funeral, I told Casey that I was done with the reset, we had agreed to keep our relationship out of work as much as possible, reporting lines and so forth….”
“Well I know that Casey is on the team on merit and her work more than speaks for itself, there are naysayers obviously…”
Ethan pinches the bridge of his nose.
“How did it get out…I mean the only people in this hospital that were on the mountain besides the team are our patient and her son…”
Ethan pinches the bridge of his nose. He does not articulate it but he has strong suspicion as to who is responsible. Naveen urges him not to jump to conclusions but with how manipulative he knew June to be and Casey having expressed prior concerns about what June knew, well it was not a large conclusion to jump too.
Meanwhile, Casey is doing some paperwork and is spotted by Sienna. She is excited.
“Is what I have been hearing about you and Ethan true?”
Casey stops what she is doing.
“Ok all the strange looks I have been receiving and comments about how I made it onto the team are now all of a sudden making sense.”
Casey then groans in frustration.
Not everyone thinks you slept your way on to the team Casey.”
“I know that Si, but the gossip was apart of the reason why we decided to keep it secret.”
Casey looks despondent.
“I can only imagine what is going through Ethan’s mind right now.”
At that moment, Casey receives a text from Ethan to come to his house for dinner. Casey reluctantly accepts and th hen makes her way to the office.
Casey arrives to find June sitting at Ethan’s desk, again and Casey notes she is looking more smug than usual.
“I have heard a few interesting rumours about you and our esteemed leader today, I just want to know are they true?”
“You know what June, do me a favour and leave me the fuck alone. The only people who were on the mountain besides Rodney, Paula and Timothy was the team, and as well all know Baz and Ethan would not go spreading such.... well anything really so just cut the fucking bullshit and just tell me why you did it.”
“What you think it was me who spread the rumours?” June says shocked.
“Cut the fucking bullshit June! I know you would do anything to manipulate this team into what you want it to be. I also know that for some reason you feel threatened by me, why else would you get my file? I have said it before and I will say it again, whatever history me and Ethan have has no bearing on our working relationship!” I say, getting rather angry at this point.
“Your ass must be sore from riding that high and mighty horse. How is going into the boss’s pent house suite at a ski lodge late at night keeping things professional?”
“Its called having a private discussion June and what was discussed was none of your god damn business!”
Casey starts to feel her blood boil. June is quite contemplating what to say next.
“Well if you were having a discussion then explain why some of the noises I heard sounded more than just like talking...hmm?”
Rage flashes through my body and the next thing I know I have grabbed a book and thrown it at June’s direction. I leave.
Later that evening, I press the buzzer to his apartment. I am more nervous than usual. I am sure he has heard about the rumours, and also my confrontation with June. The front door clicks and I make my way to the lift. I don’t even have to knock on the door as it is already open. I enter his apartment.
“How are you feeling Casey?”
“Aside from all the shit I have had to endure today I am fine”
“No your not” he says handing me a glass of wine. I down half the glass in one gulp. I look at him, a mix of desire, care shock and hurt swirl in his eyes and face.
“You heard the rumours today then”
“Not so much heard but informed by Naveen and congraulated” says Ethan. “What I do not get though is how people knew”
I clench the stem of my wine glass. He can see the anger brewing.
“So You did not hear what happened in the office earlier this evening?”
“What happened?” He asked, looking rather concerned.
“First name June, second name Hirata and one guess as to the source of today’s gossip was.”I finish my wine and I tell Ethan about our encounter. I can tell he wants to be shocked but he knew about June having my file and my suspicions that she knew something. Ethan gives me a hug.
“I heard some of the gossip is not so friendly…”
“There have been instances today where I have heard quite clearly the phrase of she slept her way on Ethan. I know this was some of the gossip you wanted to protect me from…”
“And surely your work and results should speak for themselves, surely”
“Ethan there was rumours about us intern year, he’ll even Landry assumed we were when we weren’t.”
“I like you thought time had passed enough to quell the thought and obviously not, hell even June’s reasoning for having my file was to find out if our history had impact on our work.
Ethan looks nearly as upset as I am. He cups his hand on my cheek.
“I am so sorry you had to endure it today
He kisses me gently. I try to pull away but he lifts me onto the island bench and kisses me again, this time more deeply.
“Ethan...” I whisper as I rest my forehead on his.
He kisses me again, with longing and pain. I return the kiss and he deepens it. Ethan’s hands makes its way up my thigh and moves to my centre. A moan escapes my lips and I kiss Ethan again. My hand moves to the front of of his trousers and I can feel how stiff he is. I undo his belt and unbutton his trousers to let his cock out. I rub my hand up and down his length, savouring each stroke.
“Fucking hell rookie!” He whispers into my ear and then kisses down my neck. I move my head to give him more access. He moves my panties aside to allow him to enter, he looks at me with the unasked question and I nod. He enters gently at first then thrusts in hard. I moan. The sensations continue more intense with every thrust, the pleasure builds. I can feel his movements get more erratic too. He goes harder and deeper “fuck Ethan...” I scream as I reach my climax and follows soon after. We hold each other and hot tears run down my face. He asks if I am ok. I look at him.
“Am I ok? seriously Ethan!!! that has to be the most redundant question you could ask me right now. Today sucked. The weird looks, the whispers, the not so subtle voicing of opinion. And when I was dealing with that, I was wondering if you heard the gossip, how you were feeling and more importantly was there going to be an is.”
I hop down off the bench, pour myself a glass of wine and make my way to the window to look at the view of Boston whilst Ethan stands there in shock.
The oven timer goes off and Ethan checks on dinner. He calls out, dinners ready.
I make my way to the table. “Smells and looks delicious.” I say.
Tuscan chicken he says. We start to eat in silence.
“No I do not fully know what it is like to have gone through what you have endured today. All I know is that I never wanted to you to have ever gone through it, thus why I insisted on the not at work rule and why I denied myself for so fucking long.” The pain is more than apparent in his voice.
“Of course it is more than my reputation isn’t it? It is also yours.”
“Oddly enough I care more about yours than mine. I thought the work you have done with the team so far this year would more than quell any accusation however it appears I was wrong.” He pinches the bridge of his nose.
“Are we over Ethan?”
Ethan is not surprised by the question but he is torn. He has not said it but he loves Casey but the malicious gossip he knew was going to make plenty of people question her professional accomplishments and she did not deserve to ever have that questioned.
“I know we were keeping us on the private side but you deserve so much more than a clandestine affair, I do not want you to have to go to that…”
“I have wanted us for so long Ethan…”
“Me too Casey, me too but you do not deserve to have your reputation tarnished before your career has even begun.
Casey starts to cry. “I suppose some things are not always worth the risk.”
“I wish it was different, honestly I do.”
“I know” says Casey, voice breaking in between sobs. “Good night Ethan.”
Casey gets an Uber home and she messages Ethan to let her know she has arrived home safely. She is greeted by Sienna. She tells Sienna what happened. She is saddened, she knew the whole story but she knew what Ethan felt and it saddened her that the only good thing to come out of the attack was now over.
Meanwhile, Ethan is about to hop in the shower, all the events of this evening running through his head. His phone goes off, a text from Casey stating that she arrived home safely. He turns the tap on and has his shower. He stands under the the shower head, kicks his foot into the wall and yells FUCK! He is angry at himself more than he knew possible. Then he starts crying as he knows he has let the woman of his dreams once again slip through his fingers.
Before going to bed he sends a text thanking Casey for letting him know that she is home safe and goes to bed, falling into a troubled sleep.
It is the next day. Ethan is expecting not to see Casey today so when he enters the office he is surprised to see her there.
“I wasn’t expecting to see you today Dr Valentine.”
“Believe me I was tempted, however I did not want to delay the inevitable. I will not lie, it will suck working together after what happened. A part of me will always care for you beyond words but we can do it.” Ethan can see Casey holding back the tears and it takes all his self restraint to not comfort her.
“ I am in no doubt you are right, would you like a coffee?” Asks Ethan
“Coffee will be great, thanks.”
“Oh and by the way Dr Valentine, if you are here on your own and want one, feel free to make your own.”
Casey lets out a chuckle “what your trusting me with your holy caffeinated grail?”
“I have trusted you with things that are much more important and despite last night, will continue to do so.”
“So friends then?”
“It will take time for it to get to a non awkward point I am sure but yes, friends.”
We smile sadly at each other and continue with our work.
———
Authors note: well that was what was chapter 14. All parts that I have written prior will be reworked. I hope you will all enjoy the rewrite of the rewrite.
Warnings: swearing, mentions of past sexual indiscretions
Category: Angst
Rating: PG
Word count: 1441
Summary: Tobias questions some decisions he has made in his life after a heated confrontation with his dad.
Authors note: So I have Tobias as being a single man. There has been the occasional time where he has questioned this but generally he is happy with his decision. This is set when Tobias is 35, so before book 1. This is the time he questioned his decision the most. Thank you @jerzwriter for the Totally Tobias Tuesday that inspired this work.
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Christmas 2017, Philadelphia.
For the first time in what seemed like an eternity Tobias was heading home for Christmas. Tobias loved the Lewis family Christmas. He has many fond memories of Christmas spent with his mum’s family and later assisting with the food drive at their church when he was old enough. It was with his mum’s side that he was able to truly enjoy and appreciate the joys of Christmas. His mother’s neighbourhood was a far cry from the South End of Boston but he always enjoyed coming back.
He pulled up to his mum’s house and she was sitting on the porch.
“Good to see you ma,” said Tobias as he embraced her.
“Good to see you, Tobias. You are looking well.”
“I am always happy to come back here, no matter how brief. You know that.”
“I am, how is work?”
“Busy, being a trauma doctor and on a another team makes for being busy. My latest article in the New England Journal of Medicine seemed well received.”
Tobias sat down to afternoon tea and was caught on all the happenings with his mum’s family.
“And daddy dearest?” Asked Tobias.
“I wish you would not call him that…”
“I have called him worse ma.” Said Tobias.
“I know.” Said Beth, “he is still your father at end of the day, Tobias.”
“And a bang up job he did, barely bothering to try and make an effort in attending things, and when he does bringing his latest conquest and when he is not working or sleeping around, spent the time criticizing me for my choices in what I did at college.”
“There has always being expectation of preferred college courses within that family and I am so proud of you for choosing your own path…”
“And I have always appreciated that, Ma.” Said Tobias.
They had a light dinner and prepped some of the food for the next day.
“It would be nice if you bought someone home with you one of these times.” Said Beth in jest.
Tobias winced. He knew one person who would have loved a Lewis family Christmas and they were still not friends.
“I know the two directions you are angling ma. I am happily single, my life is full and I am not missing not having a serious relationship.”
“And Ethan?”
Tobias again winced. “He has his own life ma.”
Tobias was not lying but he knew that it took a lot for Ethan to trust him back in college and that was ruined in a moment of stupidity.
“Well I am still sad that after all this time you have remained on the outer. Life is too short for such grudges.”
“I know ma, I know but if you are someone who has found trusting people difficult…”
Beth nodded in understanding. They finished the preparations and they turned in for the night.
The next day was Christmas. His aunts, uncles and cousins all converged and enjoyed a feast. Tobias had not remained overly close to his cousins but it was always enjoyable catching up with them all. Tobias was the only one who worked in the medical field, many of his cousins were teachers or social workers working within their communities. Tobias always found their stories of their work fascinating as they did his.
The meal as always was enjoyable and the grown ups all sat down and watched the kids play with their new toys. One thing Tobias loved about his cousins is that none of them questioned him about his lack of children or when he will have any. He enjoyed his cousins kids though and they seemed to appreciate him.
The next day came. Tobias was enjoying his time at home until he saw a car pull up. He had not seen his dad since he graduated medical school but he knew it was him.
“Tobias, son, how are you?”
“As if you fully care, father but I am well.”
“Well Boston seems to be agreeing with you.”
“It has. Now please leave.”
“I thought you would be happy to see me.”
Tobias rolled his eyes.
“Seriously, my feelings towards you have not and will not change.”
“No Mrs Carrick?”
“Ma is home.”
“Not what I meant, Son.” Said Edward, curiously. “You are 35son…”
“And what does age have to do with it? Huh?” Stated Tobias, rather annoyed. “Just because you had 2 failed marriages and I shudder to think how many affairs by the time you were my age…”
“What, don’t you want to continue the family name?”
“What some pretentious tradition of alternating between Dwight and Theodore? Or more lawyers to make all our lives difficult? Surely any illegitimate children you have could carry on the legacy just as well.”
Edward was taken aback.
“You need to settle down, Son.”
“No, I fucking hell do not have to, especially if it is at your behest! Again please leave.”
“A man of your age should be settled.”
“Who says I am not, I own a nice house, a fulfilling career, I have all I need.”
“You need a wife, son.”
“No I do not and even if I was seeing anyone whom I thought I could and would settle with, I certainly would not be informing you.”
“Why not, you are still my son.”
“Yeah well you could have fooled me!”
Bethany could hear the escalating voices and she came out to investigate.
“Edward, what brings you here?”
“Came to see Tobias since I heard he was coming down.”
“Where are your manners Tobias, come in Edward.”
Edward enters and Tobias follows.
“Seriously father, why now? If memory serves, you have made no effort to see me since I graduated medical school and the only two things you did was show off your latest conquest who if I recall was same age as I was when I started medic school at the time and state how much and I quote “a fucking failure because I graduated second in the class.” I had a GPA of 3.97. I found a niche in trauma, I have been published and in the process of being the head of trauma and on a diagnostic team also so again, how is the being in your words a fucking failure?”
“Well you were not the top, you did not get into a top notch residency and your lack of wife…”
“Not a top residency, it was and still is a top residency program and it was a great experience and stop being a hypocrite. If marriage was all it was cracked up to be then you would still be married to my mother and honoured your vows.”
Tobias gets up to leave the room and stops at the door. “For the record father, I am happy with my lot in life.” He walks upstairs and packs his bag. Beth follows.
“Leaving already?”
“Well if he is going to just sit there and criticise my life choices then I will leave. Sorry ma but there is only so much of that man I can take.”
Tobias packs his bag and heads to his car.
“I hope you are happy, once again ruining what has generally being a happy time. Since I did not make myself clear enough the last time I will repeat myself and I would much appreciate you doing something that is obviously against your principles and honour my request and do not contact me again.”
Tobias started his journey back home to Boston. He was annoyed that his trip had been cut short. What was bugging him more though was his dad’s opinions of him. It was something he generally ignored. Nothing seemed to be good enough and he accepted that and he was also happily single so why was it bothering him. He put it down to the initial anger but when it had not subsided he knew that he needed to seek help.
A few weeks into the new year Tobias started seeing Dr Rasmussen. Over the coming months they discussed Tobias’s childhood, his dad’s extra marital affairs, his dad’s expectations, medical school, and non-work aspects of his life. As time went on he again became happy in his decisions to remain single and not settle down and get married.
He had a strong role model in Beth who never remarried and who had a happy and fulfilled life without another man. He knew career was not everything but he also knew settling down for the sake of doing so was also not healthy or a reason to do so and he was more than happy with that.
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Authors note 2: A little history. Tobias walked in on his dad having sex in his home office with someone who was not his mother. He was 9. Bethany divorced him. He married that woman and they eventually divorced. Tobias was expected to be a perfect son who would go on to study law at UPenn. Tobias had other ideas. Edward was not a faithful man, he bought a woman that was not his second wife to graduation, and had a different woman it seemed whenever he saw him. He has one half sibling he is aware of that is older than Tobias, from a relationship before Beth. Tobias would not be surprised if there were others.
Warnings: ****trigger warning- this series deals with issues of addiction and abandonment- reader discretion advised:
*****trigger warning 2- a suicide attempt occurs in this section- if this is triggering please do not engage with this work*****
Language, references to drug use, references to a bio-attack,
Rating: 18+
Category: angst
Summary: Ethan tells Alan about the feelings of resentment he has towards him in relation to Louise. Ethan comes to a realization and Louise sets her plans in motion.
Disclaimer: characters, plot points and dialogue (actual and paraphrased) belong to Pixelberry.
Authors note: so as mentioned this chapter deals with a a suicide attempt. Most of you do not live in Australia so it will be useless for me to mention our support services for this. I also know that some of you have been dealing with and I will presume others will know someone with depression so I will perfectly understand you not reading this installment. It is sad that people feel that they have to resort to this action as a way of escape but there are people and services out there that are there to help. We all have our struggles and it is our choices of how we deal with these struggles also.
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Ethan opens the door, knowing who is on the other side. Alan breathes a sigh of relief. “ I am relieved to see you are alright, son” said Alan as he entered Ethan’s unit.
“I have been busy, dad” said Ethan. He knew it was a lie as he had been avoiding him deliberately but it was the best lie he had.
“I know Ethan, I understand that but you still normally take my calls.”
It was then that Alan noticed Casey.
“I see I am interrupting .”
Casey insisted they were not. Alan could see Casey mouth something to Ethan which made him feel like he was indeed interrupting.
Ethan ensured Casey knew what was happening with the chicken and guided down to the living room.
“The truth is dad is that I have been avoiding you. When myself and Casey followed mum, it made me realize that part of the reason why I have kept a distance from you is that I could not understand why you still loved her, especially after what she did to us, to me.”
“I always knew you were angry son but I thought it was at her, not me.”
“I could never understand how you still loved her after what she did.
“We’ll love is a complicated emotion, I thought you knew that.”
Ethan internally winced, his own struggles with that emotion became all too apparent not to mention trying to figure out what his exact feelings were for Casey. He sees her leaving. He excuses himself and walks Casey out. I place a hand on her shoulder and say thank you. She leans in and we kiss. All the pent up emotion is poured into it. It is long and deep but finally we separate. She looks up at me.
“Ethan, what does this mean?”
“I don’t know, we will talk about this.”I do know what it means,even though I do not tell her. The reset is to be damned. I genuinely want to explore what we could be but my dad has ensured that it is not a discussion for tonight. I kiss her again, tenderly this time and I watch her as she walks down the street and drives past in her uber.
I head back upstairs to my unit.
“Are you sure I was not interrupting, Ethan?”
“No dad, the discussion we need have needs to continue.” Said Ethan as he punched the bridge of his nose.
“As I was saying before I saw Casey off, I at the time and now can not understand why you loved her. It was as if her leaving had little impact on you.”
Alan winced.
“Of course it did, I may have not outwardly showed much emotion, but I was hurt.”
“Why? How could you still love her? She just up and left with no warning?”
“I know it was without warning, Louise was always one to shy away from deep negative emotions so even though I do not know why and possibly never will know. Is it frustrating? Of course it is but I fell in love with and married Louise knowing this full well.” Alan sighed. “Love can not be switched off like a switch. Yes we married young but we had known each other before we even started dating. Those type of deep connections never leave us, Ethan.”
Ethan sat there deep in thought. He thought back on his own life. Tobias, Delores, Naveen, how deep the endings of those relationships had cut when they had ended or were on the cusp of in the case of Naveen. Then the thoughts turned to Casey and his cowardice. How he had done what Louise did, ran off without a word. Yes he came back eventually but he ran to rid himself of what he felt but it did not work, if anything as time had marched on, his feelings had only gotten stronger.
The timer went off and Ethan went to serve dinner.
“Another reason why I did not show much emotion when everything happened is because I needed to step up. I was the sole parent. A part of me felt it the easier option to bury the emotions deep and just get on with trying to parent the best I could. I realize now that was in detriment to you of course, the turmoil you had to be going through would not have been easy to deal with. I am sorry I was not there for you then, Ethan.”
“I do understand why you needed to carry on Dad. I was the one who closed myself off. It was me who has had the trust issues and feelings of unworthiness since then. How could I expect someone who was not a blood relative to stick around when my own mother saw fit not to.”
“I do not think you were the cause of her leaving, Ethan.” Said Alan.
“We will never know why Dad. For all we know it was me.”
Alan knew that Ethan was right but he did not believe it. He knew how wanted Ethan was, even before he was born.
“I don’t think I was ever fully angry at you dad, much of it was the situation and at Louise, you were just convenient to take my anger out on and not understanding where you were at too…”
“It is ok Ethan. I am glad we have had this chat.”
“Me too dad.”
Ethan told Alan about the day he and Casey followed Louise and how she had shop lifted. Alan was saddened to hear what had become of Louise. Alan then left. Ethan stayed up for a bit, thinking about the discussions that he had just had. It was long overdue he admitted and it felt freeing to finally not only understand where his dad was coming from but the feelings he went through at various break downs. His thoughts then turned to Casey. He replied to her message thanking her for letting her know that she was home safe. He was genuine in wanting to explore what they could be. He reflected on how easily he has trusted her in the beginning, especially with Naveen. How she was willing to be more than professionally cordial after his cowardice and what appeared to be a reciprocation of feelings. He had shot his main arguments for not pursuing anything in the foot a few ago when he admitted to her that she is just a resident but a peer. Then he realized he was scared. Scared of being hurt, also doing the hurting. He still felt that he did not deserve a chance but if Casey felt he did then he was going to take it.
The next day comes and I am at Mass Kenmore. I get where Casey is coming from, needing to feel in control of something but surely there had to be a better way. We kiss again. It was so we were not caught finding out where the senator was but there was no denying the emotion behind it. We get the senator to come to Edenbrook and I make the decision to hold out until after we have figured out what is making the senator unwell.
We figure it out and start treatment. I admit that there is a feeling of pride having one upped Tobias but once the treatment is done I know it means that Casey and I can have a long overdue discussion of our own. We are at a TV studio to do an interview. I can not help but marvel at her humbleness given the diagnosis was hers and then proud when she gets him all flustered and committing to some very progressive legislation. I then become mortified when I am asked if I am single. I state that I am not. Casey asked me about it after and I said what do people say, it’s complicated as I brush my lips against hers. We then head back to the hospital.
It had been a day, there had been stares from various staff and I had thankfully avoided Naveen. I make my way to the office and I see Casey’s laptop open. I look at the screen, my heart is in my throat and my stomach drops. I make my way to the senator’s room. My heart stops as I see the chaos inside. Casey tells me what happened. I assure her that I will fix this. I get staff to evacuate the floor, get Casey and her friend to cover off the vent whilst I call the CDC. The come and rig up the proper quarantine tent. Casey had the least exposure but we do not know what was deployed. We begin the search. It is tedious and so far coming up empty. Dr Trinh then states that she knows where the senator is hiding and we track him down. We get access to his aide. He is not much help but the FBI are able to share with us what they have ruled out which helps us. I make a mental note of the symptom progression and that enables us to hopefully buy us more time. I also come to a startling revelation. It is indeed love I feel for Casey and now I am extra motivated to ensure she is cured.
I am a mess of emotions so when Tobias Carrick comes walking up stating that we have the best of what Mass Kenmore has to offer as well I am shocked. Appreciative as well. They came at a great time too, we know that it was a maitotoxin. I stay with Casey, not caring what others may think. I tell her that I regret pushing her away and that I cared about her. The teams come up with an antidote and I administer it. I chat briefly with Tobias before he leaves, thanking him for helping us out. He said I would have done the same, he is right. A part of me is bitter that we have not reconciled, more time has passed and we have gotten older and perhaps wiser but that is not a chat for today.
A week later and it is time for the funerals of Danny and Bobby. I am relieved that there were not any more funerals from the attack but I am concerned about Casey. I had not factored in the mental anguish she is in. We had a fiery encounter earlier at the wake. I know that she needs to feel in control but there is a time and place. I end up staying and taking her home. I tell her that I am done hiding outside of work the feelings I have. We have an intense session and she stays with me for two weeks.
She discovered one of the letters I had written in the Amazon. I still could not bring myself to admit the truth, that I was in love with her. She was relieved that I did not regret the times I was intimate with her. What I did regret was my actions. She could sense I was holding back but she let it go.
Meanwhile Louise puts the final steps of her plan in motion. She has given up hope of Ethan reaching out. She now knows that he works at Edenbrook. It would seem logical just to go and see him there, apologize for the emotional damage she knows she has caused and walk away one last time like the coward she is but when you have gone without so you can save what little money you have to get the one last hit you know will end it all you do not think rationally.
She meets her dealer and makes the purchase. He admits that he is shocked at the size of the dose. Louise mentions nothing of her plan. It takes her a few days to work up the courage to take the heroin. Even at the end she is still a coward. Her hands are shaking.
“Fuck” she says as she misses a vein. She tries again more successfully this time. The hit is strong and for a brief moment she feels invincible. She roams about, not knowing exactly where she was until she collapses. She is not aware of what is happening until she is in hospital. She hears someone saying, “it is your mother” then briefly clear as day she sees Ethan before slipping again. She feels the compressions then feels an injection then she is taken away.
Ethan is thrown. After that day with Casey he consciously chose not to reach out, fearing she only wanted contact for financial reasons. Never did he expect for her to come into emergency in the throes of an overdose. Casey follows him. He did not want to burden her with his issues, even though she was aware of Louise. He needed to be alone. He was angry at her for being here, upset that she was an addict. He storms out of the on call room to the diagnostic team office. He knows that Louise will be here for at least three days as was procedure. Too many questions as to what to do. Does he send her to rehabilitation? Would that be a waste? His head is ready to explode. He calls Alan, letting him know what has happened. Alan is shocked and saddened to hear what had happened. When Alan had spoken to Louise she never mentioned what she had been upto all these years. He knew she was a hard worker bordering on workaholic before she had Ethan but drug addiction seemed unlikely. He was busy the next few days but did say he would come up.
The next morning Ethan spots Casey leaving Louise’s room. She says that the pain she is going through is genuine. I sense she is holding something back but I do not push her. I am still at a loss at what to do and the perfect distraction comes my way. The team is requested by my old friend Rodney to come up to his resort at Dagger Mountain. We leave for the mountain. The case is perplexing, on the surface it looks like altitude sickness but we are not that high up for that. We decide to take turns observing Paula. I go first then I join the rest of the team. I give an update to Casey and we head to my suite so we can discuss in private.
We touch on Louise, I state it is disconcerting and that I share personality traits with an addict. We then play a game of pretend and I pull Casey up asking if she was using the game to help her ignore what I know she is still going through post attack. She states it is what she wants to do and she is not using it as a means to escape. We kiss and I ask her to stay. The snow is a romantic backdrop and if I am here with the woman I want to be with then I am going to take that opportunity. We go multiple rounds. I am physically sated but still mentally awake. I think how lucky I am to have Casey in my arms, not just after the attack but after everything. How I wish to tell her I love her, surely her work on the team would quell some of the rumour mill? Ethan decides that it best to see how things go before going public. He goes to sleep happy, both blissfully unaware of the storm they will walk into the next day.
Authors note 2: ok we have reached where Tashland diverged from canon. My 14-20 rewrite of book 2 can be found on my masterlist here. There is a happy ending I promise.
Warnings: ****trigger warning- deals with abandonment and addiction- reader discretion advised.****
Language, sexual references
Rating: Mature
Category: Angst
Summary: the rest of medical school. The betrayal and fallout.
Disclaimer: Characters (except Estelle Campion) belong to Pixelberry.
Authors Note 1: No we have not moved to saraland with the title of the fic, this song gets into my head when there is angst and The pain Ethan feels in this chapter he knows all too well so it seemed apt.
🥃💔🥃💔🥃💔🥃💔🥃💔🥃💔🥃
Second year of medical school was now upon Ethan and Tobias. Both were eager to maintain being at the top of their cohort and continue their study hard and play hard agenda.
Ethan took on some tutoring work. He enjoyed it more than he thought he would. Juvenile errors irked him immensely but not everyone was him and he hoped that those he tutored were able to learn. Being a tutor also enabled him to get onto research projects also which was going to look fantastic on his residency application. Tobias did not take up a tutoring role but a combination of him being second and Ethan working he got in too.
The friendship between Ethan and Tobias flourished and Ethan even embarked on social relationships with tutoring and research colleagues. It was here that Ethan and Tobias met Estelle Campion.
Estelle was a year ahead of both of them. She found both of them attractive but found herself more drawn to Ethan, especially since they worked on a study together. A friendship between the three flourished. As Estelle got to know both of them better she fell for Ethan more. Ethan did have romantic feelings but he shoved them down deep. A part of him wanted to act but a greater part was scared. Scared of being hurt, abandoned like he had been with Louise. One night between Christmas and new year however, everything changed. Ethan decided to stay in Baltimore for the holidays. All of a sudden there was a knock and Estelle was there. He lets her in. She had gone back home to New York for the holidays and she had gotten into another fight with her family about her career choices. They talked and shared some drinks and she kissed him. Ethan was shocked but returned the kiss, after all it was something he had been wanting but did not pursue. They eventually ended up in his room. Ethan was left physically sated but his mind was on overdrive. His main concern was his friendship with Estelle. They had a great friendship despite the feelings he had buried deep. He presumed that Estelle must have felt the same way given that she instigated but he was still a little unsure. Ethan finally fell asleep. Estelle woke up before Ethan. She had suspected that Ethan had feelings of more than friendship for her but she was relieved that she was right. She knew his history, how the events of when he was eleven had impacted him. She hoped that they would have a happy relationship. She got out of bed and put on Ethan’s shirt. She was surprised to see Tobias. He got coffee ready and Ethan woke up, he was happy to see Estelle and surprise to see Tobias. The three had breakfast and Ethan walked Estelle back home. He was scared that he had ruined their friendship but Estelle assured him that she wanted this. Ethan was apprehensive but he wanted to give a romantic relationship a go. That is what he did. It was unchartered territory for Ethan and as such he was still somewhat guarded, little did he know that this was annoying Estelle but she was convinced she was falling in love with him so she stayed. Ethan knew that there was feelings of something more than friends, but he was not sure if it was love, he was not even sure he would even know what love is.
This all came to a head just before summer break. Estelle was coming into her final year, she was in the process of residency applications and she wanted to know where to apply. Being top five of her cohort afforded her a wealth of choice but if there was a chance that her and Ethan were still going to be together then the east coast was going to be her main preferences. She went to Ethan’s unit, he was cooking dinner like he always did. She decided to come right out and ask if he saw a future for them. What came out of his mouth was a shock. He said he should not be a consideration when picking her residency. Estelle is hurt, asking if he even cared about them, after answering her question she then asked is care all he felt.
Ethan was was shocked with that question. Of course he cared about her but as to anything more he could not answer truthfully, how can you when you are not sure yourself, which led to him to say he was having trouble imagining it. Estelle in her state took that to mean that he did not see a future. He tried to reach her before she stormed out but did not.
“Fuck!!!” He yelled. He finished cooking dinner and ate in silence. His head was a mess. He had always shied away from relationships so the fact he was in one was a big deal. He had a feeling he had really fucked things up but he decided to wait until the next day. He thought how to better clearly express where his head was at. He was not getting too far as his thoughts kept circling back to his childhood, how he had since then felt unworthy of love. He poured himself a drink to try and kill that thought and that is when Tobias walked in.
He said he had heard about him and Estelle breaking up. Ethan was annoyed, angry and betrayed. Not only by Estelle but also Tobias. He stormed out and went to Estelle’s to ask if it was true and it was. He then made it very clear that they were over.
The events of that night stung Ethan. Betrayed by the two people whom he let in. Things were strained with Tobias from then on. It was summer break and Ethan decided to head home for a few weeks. Alan was shocked to see Ethan, happy but shocked. When Ethan told him about what had happened, well Alan did not know what to think. He understood why Ethan was angry and upset but he also knew that there was a major lapse of communication. The break came to an end and Ethan headed back.third year was upon him. Ethan had to admit at being surprised that Tobias was apologetic for what happened still and was also hoping that they could work things out. Ethan did not know how he could forgive him, his trust once again broken in the cruelest of ways. He kept up the charade and so did Tobias but neither man was willing to address the Estelle Campion shaped elephant in the room and their competition became toxic. By the fourth year, when things were not going Tobias’s way he blamed Ethan but refused to address it, fearing that he was right. In reality Ethan was not behind it but he was not going out of his way to help him either. Both were happy when Estelle left, and none of the reasons were good. Tobias was annoyed at her for lying to him, Ethan was betrayed by her and he even wondered if she did love him as she claimed. If she did then why was she fucking someone else at the first sign of trouble. Final year came and the toxicity and the mistrust went into overdrive. Especially when it came to residency applications. Ethan had his heart set on Edenbrook since undergrad and when Ethan found out that Tobias had deleted a message from Edenbrook he was beyond furious. That was the final nail. Both were upset at how things turned out but the whole sordid affair only reinforced to Ethan that he was not worthy of love, and clowns friendship. It was a feeling he knew all too well. He was convinced right then and there that he would not let anyone in again.
Authors note: well that was college Ethan and his feelings next up residency and this will be the happiest chapter for awhile….
Summary: Ethan has apologised and given for context for his Amazon sojourn but they have a more in depth, no holds barred discussion to clear the air so they can move forward in their romantic relationship.
Disclaimer: Characters belong to Pixelberry.
She had been at his apartment for the last 10 days. Even though the circumstances had been less than ideal, Ethan had finally admitted that he was done hiding, outside the hospital anyway that he did indeed have feelings. After finding a letter addressed to her she was taken aback. The elusive “L” word. The fact that Ethan thought it could be love was an eye opener but the lack of clarity bugged her. What was he waiting for or was it exhaustion from the work that was done in Brazil that lead to that thought.
Many questions were running through Casey’s head and she did not know what to think.
Meanwhile Ethan was cooking dinner. The cat in a way was out of the bag now on the type of feelings he knew he had for Casey but now he wishes he had not placed that letter in that book, mind you he had no way of knowing that she would ever grab that book of the shelf and find that letter but still. How he wanted to tell her the truth but a part of him still felt that Casey was not ready to hear it so soon after the attack. When he decided to tell her after she survived, he should have known that she would be going through hell after but for some reason it did not factor until now. He also telling her right now would be a knee jerk reaction to what she found and he did not want that clouding the first time he says it.
Dinner is ready and Casey emerges from the study. They sit down, the air thick with feelings unsaid. Finally Casey breaks the silence.
“Do you regret it?”
Ethan was taken aback by the question. When he met with her to give her more context to his actions he did speak about his regrets.
“Do I regret what Casey?”
“I know you said that you regretted being a coward and not telling me you were going and your actions at the time but do you regret everything or anything after coming back?”
“So much, I do not regret what has happened between us since the funeral, what I said still stands, I am done hiding outside of work, I would love to be able to shout it from the rooftops and that time would come. I regret pushing you away, I regret giving you false hope, there have been times where I regret my actions after the time of your hearing. The amount of times I wish I just manned up and told Naveen and organised a different reporting arrangement so you could still be on team and in a relationship…”
“But you do not regret me?”
Ethan winced, it pained him to hear that Casey could ever think that he ever regretted the times they were together.
“Never. I could never regret the times we were intimate, what I regret is hurting you.”
“Would you have still run away if I had not avoided you from the day after your hearing?”
“I would have still gone, I did not regret the work that was done down there. But I would not have done the cowardly thing. As to any differences in our relationship I do not know.”
Casey appreciated Ethan’s honesty. She still was not any clearer on whether he truly loved her but at least she knew that it was his actions and not the times together.
She got up and gave him a kiss. I am going to go to bed, I am exhausted. Good night Ethan”
“Good night Casey, I will be in later.”
Casey went to sleep right away. Ethan sat in the lounge, angry that at this point in time saying I love you would be tainted not only by the aftermath of everything but also the discovery and the letter. He knew he meant it but he did not want to put undue pressure on Casey to say it back, given the circumstances, even though he both felt and thought that she did.
He got up to go to have a shower. He stood at the door between his ensuite and bedroom and stared at Casey fast asleep in their bed, he quietly whispered I love you so much before making his way over. He leaned over and kissed the top of her head and laid down putting his arm around her. Just as Ethan fell asleep, Casey half woke and smiled. She was with Ethan and even though those three words totalling eight letters had not been said, she had never felt more loved or safe with Ethan than with anyone else. She cuddled closer to Ethan and went back to sleep.
Authors note: Submission for September monthly challenge, prompt is in bold.
Casey definitely. Ethan whilst not being full helicopter will be the most protective and highly anxious parent. Not saying Casey would not have her moments of parental anxiety but Ethan would be worse for sure.
77. Who has more songs on their IPod.
I do not see Ethan ever owning an IPod, so Casey wins by default but in terms of their playlists on Spotify or Apple Music still Casey but in terms of play time Ethan’s is longer as he has full operas on there.
83. Who is the big picture and who is the finer details.
Both see big pictures but it is Ethan who is more likely to get into the more finer details of everything. Casey is not incapable of this by any stretch as it is finer points that get the diagnosis but Ethan does have the edge here.
45. Who makes the other breakfast in bed.
Ethan. He is the early bird in the relationship so it is him doing the breakfast In bed.
50. Who is the forgetful one?
Casey. Never anything too crazy but if there is someone who will forget so,Ethiopian g when out shopping or misplacing something it is Casey.
At their wedding they did their first dance to Can’t help falling in love by Elvis. They chose this one because no matter how hard Ethan denied it he could not help doing so. Casey also when she moved to Boston and started at Edenbrook did not think she would fall in love but especially with Ethan.
Other songs that remind them of them are I will always Love you by Whitney Houston. This is poignant for them because despite all their hardships to get to where they are, love was at the root of it all, whether it be the love for each other or even the mentor/mentee relationship also.
Maybe I’m amazed by Sir Paul McCartney is another, especially for Ethan towards Casey. She always amazes him and also he is amazed she stuck by him especially after the Amazon stunt
