#dahliasdiary

[dahliagothdoll]

I was a fucking fool for loving you.

[dahliagothdoll]

we could have had such a beautiful life together.

now we're both destined to wonder the same thing-

"did I fuck up?"

[dahliagothdoll]

I miss you every night and I hate it.

we should still know each other.

but now we're just fucking strangers again as if I'm supposed to pretend nothing mattered between us.

🖤🗡

🩸

[dahliagothdoll]

it's frustrating when other parts of us are so desperate for love but I personally can't imagine.

our ex bf is gone.

this is just a fact.

they will probably never come back.

but that doesn't make it easy to move on.

giving them up was hard enough.

being vulnerable and opening up again is a new challenge.

other parts may be ready after the rebound.

I.

am.

not.

[dahliagothdoll]

I miss you deeply.

I do.

I think about you before bed and hold back tears.

as if anyone were here to see them.

I wake up alone with no direction.

for every day without you feels like I'm lost in an open sea of bleak darkness.

I feel the waves get less and less intense but that doesn't mean I stop hurting.

I still feel them.

I feel every shake.

Every moment that I begin to drown, only to gasp for air when my head resurfaces again.

I feel you so close to me.

I miss you.

I miss your laugh.

I miss your smile.

I miss your eyes.

I miss your wisdom in times of need.

so how could you just leave?

was I not enough?

was my love not enough?

you were the first and the last connection like this I'll have.

you were everything to me.

so how could you leave me as if I'm nothing?

as if I'm a stranger to your heart?

a stranger to your soul?

how could you leave me alone on this island where I know nothing but waves?

and like a ship's light in the night, I can't help but desperately wait.

and yet I'm losing hope.

I'm growing thin.

I'm growing tired.

I've lost my will.

and should a large enough wave hit me I should let it drown me this time.

for this island without you is just another prison.

🖤🗡

🩸

🩸

[dahliagothdoll]

you told me your feelings were real.

but.

then you obviously just stopped trying.

stopped sharing.

stopped caring.

you shut yourself off from me.

from Me.

the one who took better care of you than anyone ever had before.

and you pulled away like I was just another abuser.

and that.

was in itself emotional abuse on a deep and painful level.

you left me like I did something wrong.

you left me like you rehearsed it a thousand times.

like you had to destroy me in one message.

it was foolproof.

and I was the fucking fool.

I was a fool for you.

and you destroyed me in one fell swoop.

and couldn't even let me speak.

you left like a phantom.

will you ever appear again?

my anxiety grows at the thought.

for what if it's when I'm so weak?

what if it's at a time where I need somebody, anybody, and you show up haphazardly towards my heart.

as if my feelings still don't matter.

they never did.

did they?

fuck you, love.

fuck you.

🖤🗡

🩸

🩸

⚰️

[dahliagothdoll]

what's the fucking point?

I give my heart, nobody wants it.

I share my love,

nobody appreciates it.

I fuck someone's brains out,

they avoid me and any feelings we could share together.

am I just fucking stupid for letting people in?

am I fucking stupid for thinking there are people out there who will see me and want me and meet me in a romance?

I swear I'm so fucking close to doing it.

I'm so detached from everybody and everything that it would be so easy to do it.

punching my chest just to feel something.

hurting my body to distract me from the pain in my head and my heart.

is this really what life is supposed to be?

fuck this.

I don't want to be here anymore.

🖤🗡

🩸

[dahliagothdoll]

oh darling, you're still surviving.

of course you couldn't take the risk.

I'm sad to know life has been so hard for you.

you didn't deserve any of those things from your past.