CW mental health/emotional/super religious (lol) post
over the past few years, learning to cope with and understand my depression and the way it overlaps with my spiritual health, i think i learned a couple helpful things. one thing i know now (that i didn’t always know) is that sometimes i have thoughts that aren’t mine, and aren’t God-breathed, and so i can recognize them as coming from the other side of the spiritual battlefield so to speak. i used to tell myself things (you’re unlovable, you are beyond healing, you are inhuman, etc) and consider such lies about myself to be true, and i thought it was just my thought-climate, how i was wired. depression certainly makes one susceptible to thoughts like these, and in my experience (being a person of faith) they become deeply exacerbated by spiritual pressure. and so in my current low-swell of unhealthy thoughts and feelings these past couple weeks, i’ve felt very alone and isolated. the realities of starting a life in a new city far from home on your own can be very lonely, yes, but i must remind myself of the incredible community i’ve been welcomed into.
this weekend is canadian thanksgiving. even a day ago, i felt so embarrassed and lonely because i don’t have any family to spend it with, and nowhere to be for this celebratory meal centred on family, friends, and communal support. i felt forgotten and ashamed of how bad that made me feel (anyone recognize that cycle of thought? it’s a bitch).
of course, i wasn’t forgotten. i got a call from a friend inviting me to her house for a friendsgiving meal, and after peeling myself off the floor at work last night i biked over and was greeted with hugs, wine and a seat at the table. i thought i’d be alone on monday (the actual holiday) but chris got back from BC last monday, and we’ve cooked up a plan involving breakfast at my favourite diner, hikes in the dundas valley, and maybe even a bike ride. on that note, i am incredibly happy to have him back on this side of the country. i do this thing where i don’t realize how much i’ve missed a loved one until i see them again, that’s when it hits me.
well. i just wanted to type about what i was thinking. today is good, today. i get to go to the beach tonight and eat donuts and drink whiskey and apple cider with some wonderful women from church. this is how it always goes, i get in my head and sad and then when i poke it up out of the sand i see how many good things are happening all around me, and directly to me, and i forget what was making me so upset, or i realized that the upsetting thing really has no power over the good life-giving things, and i think that that’s called gratitude, or is somehow related to it. anyway that’s all i have to say about that