Lyric Gifboard || Dave Karofsky and Tina Cohen-Chang || Warbler Ships
I'm fired up and tired of the way that things have been
The way that things have been
Second thing
Second, don't you tell me what you think that I can be
I'm the one at the sail, I'm the master of my sea
Don't have work til Saturday. It's great to relax every once in a while. It's also great to have family and friends that feel comfortable enough to actually talk to me about their problems. When my roommate Melissa told me that she wanted to talk to me first about an issue she was having, I felt trustworthy. I felt really good. This person I've known for a little less than 6 months finds me trustworthy with her problems. Now I just need to work on being more sociable.
Journal #4 - More rambling. Cuddling with my roommate, bedtime hell, and nightmares. Sort of long. Pretty long.
So Sunday night I was lying in bed with my roommate (let's call her Jade) and she steals my glasses and starts tickling the hell out of me. As I fight back and constantly giggle, she then puts us both in a spooning position with me being the little spoon. After the fan was put on the lights were turned off, she snuggled her head in my back and instantly fell right to sleep. Needless to say I was uncomfortable as hell but I was enjoying every moment of it. I still wonder if she heard my heart pounding in my chest as she cuddled with me. As for being uncomfortable, I have this paranoia that makes me stressed or scared whenever someone or something is near my chest whenever I try to sleep. So I have a hard time cuddling or hugging someone when I'm trying to sleep. It's been an hour or so and I'm desperately trying to force myself to fall asleep and I realize I have to use the bathroom. I get out of bed and end my cuddle session with my Jade who snores like a bear to go to the bathroom. I get out and go back to my spot that I was in earlier. It gets worse. I still can't sleep. Whenever I get to the verge of nodding off, something makes a noise and wakes me up. It happens through the night. My now ex-cuddle buddy also moves around a lot in her sleep so I'm getting hit, my hair gets fingers in them (I enjoyed this part), eventually my butt gets some rubs as well. I'm continuously trying to get comfortable and I can start feeling my body hurting. I tell myself one more noise or hit and I'm moving to my own bed. I don't remember what happens but I get fed up and move to my bed. My soft hot as balls bed. I strip off all of my clothes tiredly and turn the fan on. Masturbate to get myself tired and hope no one bothers me in the morning. If I remember correctly the whole thing started at 11 or 12 at night and I remember not even getting into my own bed until 4am. I slept til 7am or 9 and threw on some clothes, greeted Jade and told her about the whole thing that happened in her bed. I think she laughed and brushed it off saying that I took her favorite side of the bed. All I know is that she's a clever devil and I'm fairly certain she knows something's up.
For the past couple of weeks I've been having a mixture of good and bad dreams. Good dreams involve places that I've been to and me performing famous plays. Bad dreams involve me being forced to hang out with/encounter my ex-psycho-roommate, my roommates and I like to call her "you know who". For instance we had this road trip or something that involved me and my roommates to go to her new house and pick her up to bring her with us. I have no idea why. I think she was invited to the event or something but in real life I'm pretty sure we would've told her to fuck off. Anyways we drive to her house and end up sleeping over because someone was tired or something stupid. Her mom is still a bitch or I remember her mom being a bitch. I just remember her trying to talk to me and me ignoring her. When we went to leave she stuck herself with Jade and I remember that just pissing me off. I think she was just latching herself onto Jade to make me jealous. My other roommate, let's call her Jacquelin or Jackey, I remember was begging me to stay in her car with her. For some reason we had 3 cars to drive and one of them was a big camper or a big van. I remember telling her that she was being unreasonable but she kept saying that if you-know-who gets to be with Jade the whole ride then she has to stay with me. I think I woke up at this point being upset and angry. It was Sunday night because I woke up early and told Jade about the stuff that happened in her bed. The dream from last night sort of scared me a little. My family and I went to Disney World for a vacation. I was enjoying myself. I don't remember going on any rides, I just remember telling people that I had to explore the Victorian area because whenever we go there I always never explore the whole park and I always miss that part. This dream was strange and I'm pretty sure that the park was a combination of some places in other dreams that I had. Like there was an outdoor zoo/aquarium by a mountain side, a theater like building that was being swarmed by people that went to a prom. I don't think it was a theater though. There was a kids area on the other end that had castle playsets in it, a giant computer lab area, and an English class that I was a part of. I apparently got an 9/10 on a paper which was a perfect to him. I also remember that I had to drive to a building that had multiple restaurants within it. There my parents told me that we were staying for more than a day and that we'll get to visit the castles across the street tomorrow. The dream then cut to my work. We were trying to close up shop and you-know-who comes in and tries to get me to hang out with her or something. She kept touching my arm. I remember I kept flinching and mumbling for her to "please go away". I think I actually told her to leave me alone once or twice but she either ignored it or brushed it off. My co-workers saw that was very uncomfortable with her being there and they kept trying to distract her so I could get away. Whenever I tried to run or fast-walk away she would come up to me and laugh like it was some kind of game. For some reason she just couldn't see how obviously uncomfortable she made me. My co-workers distract her long enough for me to get to a second story store room (we don't have this) and I met up with another co-worker of mine. I think he comforted me or something. I remember us talking. When my manager called over the intercom that we were done I rushed over to my locker in hopes of quickly grabbing my things and getting the hell out of there. When I was undoing my lock, she was there next to me again. I know I keep telling her to "leave me alone" and "go away" under my breathe. I think I woke up after this. If these nightmares continue I'm going to start talking to Jackey or Jade about them.
New roommate that moved in last month has been gone for three days. I'm going to call her Melissa. She's recently gotten a new boyfriend and spends a lot of time with him. I'm not saying it's bad or anything. I'm happy for her! Kind of freaks a person out when someone goes missing for three days without a line. She showed up last night with her boyfriend and we had orange snow cones this morning. Not used to this kind of roommate. I'm used to everyone around me being a sloth and staying indoors.
Journal #1 - Just me going on and on about my life until now. Long.
I feel as though I'm not a very interesting person sometimes. Most of the time my thoughts are just blank and I catch myself not thinking about anything at all. I can't really start conversations very well or I'm at a loss of what exactly I want to talk about. My friends and family really like me and I have no problem getting along with anyone. I'd much rather listen to someone go on and on about their day and who they're hanging out with then me asking questions about topics I'm trying to pull out of my head. Even when I was younger I hated inviting people over because I always thought that I wasn't that interesting or that my house had nothing fun to do in it.
I always hoped that someone would come up to me and just spill their life out. I would enjoy that story. I love listening to people talk and I love hearing their stories. Drama is my favorite when it's not happening to me. I love hearing about friends' problems and how their life is going. Of course I'll give a slight input from time to time but I like to let them do all of the talking. Then there's the question of 'why don't you go read books and go out to see plays?' and the answer is I have trouble just reading in general. Unless I'm completely in solitude, it takes me forever to read a book. I love going to plays but usually no one wants to go with me or I'm too nervous to go alone or I just feel as though I have something better to do with my time.
As for my problems, there's this older woman who keeps harassing my roommates and I. Her daughter was the original problem. She was my friend for over 10 years and for the past 6 or so years she has been, in retrospect, abusive both mentally and emotionally. She would make me feel guilty whenever I hung out with my friends and not her, constantly have emotional fits over the stupidest things and get everyone involved, and, in the end, threatened me by going to harm herself. I think letting her be my roommate was one of the worst ideas I have ever had. She left our apartment with one less friend. I always wonder what would've happened if I didn't introduce her to my friends. I feel a bit responsible for the way things have progressed. Anyways, the woman I mentioned earlier is looking for money even though her daughter left her possessions in an unoccupied room. It has gotten to the point where I'm considering a restraining order. I just want to be done with the entire situation and be done with her and her daughter. I don't want to hear anymore about it. It's strange when you feel comforted whenever someone calls the person you don't want to hear about "you know who"
Now I move onward! My current roommates are awesome. One of them is a friend from high school, another is her childhood friend, and the last is a co-worker. We all work at the same place together, which is pretty cool. We all like Star Trek, video games, Hannibal, Fairy Tale like things, etc. I feel as though we are just one big nerdy family. I feel genuinely happier as of recently. I'm trying to come more and more out of my shell each day. I fear as though I'm going to say something that will annoy or piss off someone. Though, if anyone knows me they'll know that I'm a pretty chill and relaxed person. It's really hard to make me angry but slightly easier to upset me. It's hard to annoy me but I feel like I can very much easily annoy someone else. I'm also trying to let my feelings come out freely. For instance, if someone upsets me I can go up to them and tell them. I don't know why this is a hard thing for me to do. I know that I'm very agreeable with everyone. I guess I'll just have to keep updating my progress as the days go on.
I also have friends over the internet. I talk to them on stuff like skype and ventrilo. We met over video games and the friends have grown since then. The only thing I have a problem with is online dating. It's really weird to me. I want to sit with a person and have physical contact with them. I don't think I can stand not being in their presence for too long. There's another thing. I can't just date people, I feel more comfortable being their friend first then move onto dating. In the past, dating has just been me awkwardly asking questions and by the end of it I've been so emotionally drained by being nervous that I don't really find the person to be good company anymore. There has been an online friend who obviously likes me and is emotionally attached to me but I just don't want to deal with that. Recently I've been jokingly telling myself that the right person for me would be someone who is on the same dull emotional level that I'm on. Someone who's really relaxed, goes with the flow, and doesn't care just like me. As for people crushing on me, I have been told that there's been a lot in the past. About 3 guys in the past year. I just honestly can't return the feelings.
Speaking of crushes. I've been on an on and off crushing cycle with one of my roommates. It's one of the most awkward situations I have ever been in. It doesn't help that she likes to cuddle with me for warmth and always invites me to hang out with her. I'm pretty sure she thinks I like her more than a friend and just brushing it off. I don't really mind either way if we end up doing anything or not. As long as I'm with her and making her happy in my presence, I don't mind not being romantically involved. Though, it would make me happier if I could just get romantically involved with someone but I don't think I'm trying hard enough to go out of my way to find someone.
So far my life is going alright. I just hope that this blog will keep my mind clear and free of all thoughts that involve terrible things that have happened in the past.
