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nothing i do to myself hurts enough

#tw sh destructive behaviour #tw sh implied #sh vent #tw sh related #depressing shit #vent tw #vent post #vent #vent blog #tw vent #vent blogging #actually mentally ill #mentally tired

i want to make this blog cuter and cuter but i dont know how, or even what i want to do

i want to meet new people and have new mutuals but im so scared and unsure how

im so useless

everyone seems so excitable and bright, i feel overwhelmed with my quiet and lackluster nature

some1 actually k1ll me bro i have a pacer test on wednesday (i have asthma and POTS) and the minimum score just to get a fucking D is 26. TWENTY. SIX. YES ITS GRADED. last time i took it i got 27 and fell on the ground and went legit unconscious for a second or two... it's only gotten worse in the last two years... if i get anything lower than a B on even js one assignment or test my mom will yell at me, so i might have to somehow get like 33 on it. im gonna end up doing an accidental kyu-kurarin doing this shitty test

.

#vent post #vent blogging #Seven’s Public Diary #motivating myself to study for my driver’s permit by thinking of the Freedom and independence a license would grant me? ❌ 1/10 ineffective #motivating myself to study for my driver’s permit by imagining all the new & different possible ways i could become injured in a car crash?#✅ 7/10 it just might fucking work!!!#the only true cure for OCD is to face one’s fears. but i just might be able to find a loophole via my ever-worsening mental health #because you don’t have to Face your fears if you don’t Have any fears #and in order to rid myself of my fears regarding harm coming to myself. i simply have to stop fearing being harmed #and what better way to stop fearing it than to actively crave it!#or at the very least become so overwhelmed that i lose the capacity to feel any particular way about it #i’ve found a new OCD cure everybody - Just Stop Caring™️ /sarc #well. sarcastic or joking for everyone else. but im serious when it applies to me #bc so much of my anxiety comes from feeling unsafe. so i just have to reach the point where i stop caring if im safe or not. easy peasy #like yes i know this is flawed and unhealthy logic but i’ve resisted more compulsions via this method lately than i have via anything else #and even outside of OCD stuff even just for all my other anxiety disorders it’s also worked. im actually making a modicum of progress now #need to make a scary phone call? just get into a 3-hour family argument and then you’ll be so upset that you don’t feel fear! :)#genuinely worked very well. scared of a home invasion? well at least it’d mean you’d have some different company for once!#you might make a new friend! or if they **** you at least you’d have some Real trauma for once. it’s a win-win honestly …/hj #so. scared to drive? well even if you Do crash at least it might lead to a hospital visit and then you’ll finally get that attention you-#-want so fucking badly! you’ll finally get a break from everything while you recover. or even if you don’t survive- well. i shan’t say.#anyways. the ‘you’ in those tags is me talking to myself for the record. i wouldn’t speak to anyone else like this. i just speak in the-#-wrong tense/person sometimes. don’t know what’s up with that. just another reason i need to stop speaking altogether. as i’ve learned #i’ve been trying So fucking hard to be nice lately. letting them walk all over me. and it’s still not enough. cause i’m always-#-‘using the wrong tone’ and ‘if all im gonna do is say smthn negative i just shouldn’t speak at all’ ..okay! gladly!!!#sorry for being autistic and unsocialized and under immense stress and being unable to keep my ‘tone’ under control. my bad.#i just need to get blackout drunk with Venti at Angel’s Share. that would fix me.#that or heading down to the bottom of the Fortress of Meropide and curl up like a dog under Wriothesley’s desk. head empty no thoughts #not sexually. just. in a pet-regression sense. i can’t stop thinking abt it. i wanna write a oneshot for it but i can’t focus these days #anyways. the delusional maladaptive daydream dissociation will continue until morale improves. and brother it’s only getting worse.

I think I figured out why I just generally don't want to share anything right now.

I didn't write to compete with anyone, you know? I write because I like to write.

As soon as someone bitches about "competing" with other writers, using them as a measuring stick and saying that they must be shit look at this and the thing they're waving at is mine, I shut down.

Creating isn't a fucking competition. I'm not your enemy. I'm not someone you are being beaten by. I am a fucking person, doing something I love and you just used me to explain that my existence makes you feel like shit.

Fuck off.

It's not some fucking competition, and you made me feel like shit. You made me stop wanting to share. Fuck off.

#state of jate #vent blogging

oh, still you take up all my mind

i dont even think that you care like i do

i should stop

heaven knows ive tried

one day, i will stop falling in love with you

some day, someone will like me like i like you

until then, ill drink my coffee, eat my pie

pretend that we are more than friends

then of course ill let you break my heart again

im just tryna understand

what i am to you

more than songs weve exchanged

midnight calls

sunset views,

promise i dont mean to cry

but i get overwhelmed and confused

if only you knew

what i felt like.

My wife has an after work event to say goodbye to one of her coworkers and it’s important to her so I totally get it

But her commute is long so she’s not gonna get home til like 8:30, and she’s gonna be hungry, so I have to not only handle kiddo all day, but also try to juggle taking the dog out AND cooking dinner. It’s a lot, and I’m annoyed about it.

#tbd #bitch blogging #vent blogging #do not reblog/

#vent blogging

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