please just stay strong. I know it is really hard, but after the surgery you will feel better. please dont make any rash decisions now when you are obviously not healthy and just wait it out a couple of more days until after the surgery helps. live for the panic concerts, live for your friends. I know you can do this, please believe in yourself, because I believe in you. Hold on.
Oh how I wish it was just the gallbladder that was the problem. My stomach actually doesn't hurt at all right now, which is like the first time that's even happened in the past 2 months. It's everything. My whole entire life is fucked up at every turn and I'm in so fucking much pain in my knees and ankles and back that I really really do just want to give up and end this. I can't stand it. It's broken me down more and more brutally over the years to be in pain NONSTOP, not getting to go to middle or high school, having to drop out of college, not being able to work, having to give up COUNTLESS things that make me happy because it hurts too much to do them anymore, or I'm too exhausted and weak. This isn't how anyone should have to live. I know people have it way worse, but pain and suffering is all relative. It's all in "the eye of the beholder," if you will. I could stub my toe and barely be bothered because I'm used to so much worse pain, but you could do the same thing and be in agony on the floor. That doesn't mean you should feel bad or not complain about your pain just because I deal with "worse" pain every day of my life. I hate it when people say that shit. "There's people out there who have it much worse, be glad you're not them" or "suck it up" or of course "there's starving children in the world." It's infuriating. Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent like I always do. It's just so fucking unfair. My life is so awful in so many ways. And I really don't want to sound ungrateful or disingenuous to you and all of my incredible friends here who are so kind and supportive. I'm immeasurably appreciative. I just... I really think I'm having some kind of mental breakdown. I feel.. I don't even know. Indescribable. I want to be well again.
