a battle fought, a battle lost
when i look back on old tumblr posts, diary entries, photos, memories starting from the very beginning, i think "what happened that lead us to this end?" "where did we go wrong?" at what point, in these blissful moments in your company, did i realize it just wasnt what i wanted anymore? when, as you said it, did i "change"?
i remember those moments of looking at you like the stars shine in your eyes. I remember seeing you under rose-tinted glasses, loving every single moment i had with you. I remember how happy you made me, how complete, and how content i was. I also remember those moments in between, where i got so irritated with your idiocracies, man, how petty i was!
I dont remember everything but i remember this, i know exactly where in our relationship i lost the interest and will to put my everything in us. Do you? Because if not, here it is: the day i discovered you met up with someone else. Before that day, i'd put all my bets on you, i'd put everything i have in us. Youre the only person i wholeheartedly trust, but you broke that. You broke that image i have of you, that perfect guy who would never ever hurt me that way. Not in a million years. Because i remember you saying, "what kindness did i do to deserve a girl like you?" But i also kind of know why you did that. My guess? I simply became too much. Too irritable, too crazy, too warfreak, just plain old too much. And im sorry. Im sorry that i didnt choose to be more understanding or more patient. I wish i chose to not do the same thing you did. But i was really vulnerable was i? And that isnt an excuse, was it? But it all happened anyway. And this is thebattle we fought hard to win, eventually a battle we won. This is a big hurdle we overcame and i couldnt be more thankful that we tried again.
Getting back to our feet, finding our ground, rebuilding our crumbling tower were the hardest things we had to do but we did all that. The process was slow and we were getting a bit impatient but we try to get by. We try, and thats what matters, right? Wrong. Because you chose to hurt me again exactly the same as before. And i chose to hurt you. Just. Like. Before.
Everytime this happens, the table turns on me because what i do after getting hurt is always so much worse than what you did when you hurt me. I think there are times you forget the starting point of all of these. You were that first pushed domino that toppled everything around you. But who pushed you? I did? I think.
We tried again didnt we? But it all started becoming too complicated because we were not the only players in this game anymore. But this battle is a battle we won, remember? I do, we barely survived.
So bruised and battered, we tried to go on. But i couldnt do it anymore. And you... You gave up too, didnt you? Because i became too much again or in other words, i changed. and im sorry for that.
You said that you were NEVER my happy pill but that wasnt true in the beginning, before all these things happened. You were, but by doing what you did, youre also the one who caused me pain. You broke me but you tried to fix me. And for some time it worked.
You said i have changed. Of course i have. I have learned to be stronger. I have learned how to not depend on you. I have learned to let you go. Thats why, i guess, when you said "i dont want to do this anymore", i wasnt at all surprised.
This time, we raised the white flag and surrendered. This is the battle we lost.
