#dan smith angst

[castawxayaway]

an absence of her

inspired by happier. (I like the vibe, but I can’t quote replicate it itno writing like others but eh, gave it a go.)

realising it’s hard to writ about falling out of love when you’re not in it- especially now with a few things going on lol. 

thank you to the anon who requested, and if you have any suggestions drop me an ask or message!

collection of writing

The last time I saw her smile, I can’t remember it anymore. And that is where the issue lies. 

She wasn’t herself anymore, and neither was I. Those people who lie together in this bed that was once too small for two adults to lie in began to fill the room so contact was impossible. 

It began with small details, she would silently get up rather than kissing my cheek before she went. I began to disassociate myself from her when I was out with friends. She was shutting herself up, and I no longer had the key unlocking her heart to pour open what she is bottling up inside. 

I suggested it. It was when she was away with her friends for a few days and I lie awake in the middle of the nighalone with my thoughts. 

At first I thought it was just my mind playing tricks on me, trying to make me turn on those closest to me. But then, the longer I thought about it, the more sense it made. 

That was the beginning of those sleepeless nights for me. 

Each night a new prospect came into my brain, slowly nawing away until it left me with a decision. 

I could see her with other people, her hand intertwined with someone elses. She would laugh, she would learn to live again and not remain silent in a place she should be comfortable. She willl get to learn about their life, their family and have new experiences all over again. 

Just not with me anymore. 

*

She would be expecting me to be in the flat, just like any other Sunday when I wasn’t needed in the studio. But instead the only thing that would be there is a note. 

By the time she would be back there, settled into the sofa and reading the note I’d be gone. I would be sat on the tube with my bag packed, trying to block out everything and not focus on her face. 

But every time the doors opened I hoped to see her, that she would willingly take me back, tell me she needed me like I needed her. 

Except we werent meant for each other. The keys dont fit the locks. We can’t force it to work anymore and break anymore keys. 

I know she won’t appear. She won’t call in anger, or cry down the line in the middle of the night. Because I know her too well. Instead she’ll do what I really want her to be doing- moving on. 

Deep down I know I have accepted she can be happier without me, but will I without her? 

*

Waking up in my new place still doesn’t yet deserve the title of my new home. Everything remains in boxes, cans of paint my Mum brought over remain lined againt the wall with test patches painted across the dull off white walls. 

Every morning I better knowing she’s better off with me not being in her life like I was. 

I get the odd update from our friends, and as I lie in bed scrolling through social media I scroll back up. 

And there she is. 

The girl I fell in love with. The brightest smile on her face as she sits on someone else’s lap, he’s laughing in the photo. I can almost hear her. That sweet laugh I heard from across a bar that night all those years ago. How confidently she wobbled towards me, introduced herself and said ‘you need to be my boyfriend for tonight, okay?’ 

And then the night turned into two, and then into months and years. 

She seems different. Maybe, just mabe this is what genuine happiness looks like on her. 

I climb out from my bed, leaving my phone foace down on the duvet and walk towards the cans of paint. 

Picking up the pale blue I grab a brush and begin to make progess. 

I need to learn to be happier, even if that means without her in my life. 

[castawxayaway]

no turning back

prompt 98: “I’ve had enough.”

a very lovely reader has requested no. 98 from this prompt list I reblogged with dan. as always, you ask and I deliver. if you want to see the list for yourself and maybe request one *nudge nudge* feel free to! enjoy this, this thing (I haven’t got a lot to say really, lots and lots of angst- which was actually really refreshing to write)

oh, and to the anon who requested a few days ago- if you’re reading this the piece you asked for will be going up tomorrow night! :)

prompt list / collection of my writing / requests open

Unable to control the nerves that arose as I heard the announcement come through the speakers that we would be landing shortly a smile crept up. “Visiting someone special dear?” Turning my head I saw the elderly lady who had been asleep for the duration of the flight, now awake ask me with a sweet look on her face whilst her husband read a book, half asleep still. 

Laughing to myself I could feel my heart beating faster at the idea, of the fact that I was so close to seeing him. “I’m seeing my boyfriend. It’s been five months since I last saw him.” She raised her eyebrows in surprise before settling back into her chair. 

“Well you better enjoy your time with him then, make every moment count.” She placed her hand on mine and I thanked her before she leant on her husband, drifting back off to sleep. 

Watching them together made me feel warm inside, that the removed warmth that has lacked for months will soon return. Just a matter of hours now. Texting Kyle I told him how long I’d be, thankfully he arranged to come and get me so I can surprise Dan. The image of him, surprise etched into his face as I stand there outside of his door makes my heart flutter at the same speed as the butterflies in my stomach. 

As I found Kyle after making my way through the arrivals lounge we talked about tour, about how life has been without seeing any of them. “I’ve missed having you around.” I see the truth in his words, they were written in his smile, the longing kind. 

Seeing the hotel in sight everything was resurfacing, I wanted to suppress it all. I didn’t want Kyle to see my smile faltering as he doesn’t know about the fight we had, the real reason why I haven’t been visiting. “Has Dan mentioned me much, whilst you’ve been on tour?” He hesitates to reply, focusing on the road. “Thought as such.” Sighing to myself I rest my arm against the window, Kyle glancing over when he can. 

“Listen, if things don’t work out between the two of you, we all still miss you. Just because you two are in a rough patch doesn’t mean we can’t spend time together, right?” He pleaded before looking at me with a stupid grin, breaking the tension. “Either way, you’ve got three days with us, so let’s make them count.” 

Before I had the chance to respond he parked the car and all I could hear was the yells the night before he left, how deafening they were becoming. ‘What do you mean, you can’t do this? How the fuck do you think I feel being thousands of miles away all the time?’ His words thump in my ears, aching my brain as well as my heart as the love was draining out of us. 

In silence we walk through the lavish entrance the echoing of shoes against the marble sounded too many times as we both walked towards the lift whilst others hovered in the entrance, watching us go by. Standing in the lift it felt as if I had lost any touch or contact with life, despite Kyle being inches away. The uneasy feeling in my stomach only grew, it never ceases to build up moments before we are reunited. It only causes me unnecessary amounts of grief and consciousness not knowing what to expect from him, regardless of the outcome we’d become nothing more than strangers, but was it really worth it? Or was I merely seeking comfort? 

Now I question my own motives for being here as my eyes wander to Kyle who keeps his eyes locked with his own reflection in the glass whilst I cower from my own. Walking along the never ending corridor I try and shut out the smell of cleaning product, the stale smell that clings to the fibres in the carpet probably older than the cleaners who work here. I focus on the room numbers, wondering how many have passed through here for similar purposes to my own. When I was growing up I’d hate thinking of such a thing, about the invisible dirt they’d leave on the sheets, the act of knowing about others in the rooms either side. Now here I am, being my own worst hypocrite. 

Kyle points to the room three doors down from his own, before giving me a supportive hug and speaking in a low voice. “You know where we are, if you need us.” I thanked him and began to walk away, but he whispered my name causing me to turn around and face him. “Just keep the noise down, alright.” With a wink he chuckled to himself and went back into his room, leaving me alone in the empty corridor where unknown acts hide behind the wooden doors. 

Standing in front of it I lift the key that Kyle slipped into my pocket into the lock, slowly twisting it whilst trying to remain quiet. As it unlocks my heart stops, every feeling stands on edge like the hairs on my arms until I peer through the door whilst my bag remains outside. Smiling to myself I open my mouth to say his name, but before I have the chance do someone else does. 

I freeze as my eyes lock with his body. His body on top of someone else’s. Every worry, every fear I had about him touring rises from the pit of my stomach, I can feel it stabbing my heart repeatedly whilst my brain mutters ‘I told you so’ with too much patronization. Tearing my glossy eyes away I drown out the moans they make as the door shuts. 

Picking my bag up I pause as I collapse to the ground, unable to stop myself from shattering. With such force I stare at his door, wishing the heavy look in my eyes could burn it down, expose him to the truth of his actions, the pain he doesn’t know he has caused. ‘So what, this is it? Doesn’t look like you’ll respond anytime soon so that’s it then.’ The last thing he said to me in person as I went to bed that night, he didn’t join me that night, instead he just left. I always wondered where he went, but maybe now I know. 

Picking myself up I wipe my eyes forcefully with my sleeve, letting my skin burn momentarily as I walk up to Kyle’s door, trying my best to hide my pain. Composing myself I clench my fist as I knock on the door, patiently waiting for him as I take a few deep breaths. Hearing the door open my eyes focus on his colourful socks, the sort that I knew didn’t belong to Kyle. 

Lifting my head back up my eyes locked with the deep concern of green, of Will. He mutters my name and before he can continue I break, the image is burned into my memory and all I can hear is her moaning his name. ‘Dan, I’m sorry. We shouldn’t have ended things the way we did last night. Please, just ring me.’ That was the first of many messages I left him after he left, I couldn’t, I wouldn’t let things end the way they did. But now, now I want nothing more than to look him in the eyes and see how he reacts. Will wraps his arms around me and I fall into them, he helps me into the room identical to the one I had just seen, yet now it was in entirely different circumstances. 

It took them a few hours to get me to speak, to actually get words out of my mouth that weren’t muffled or concealed with sobs or confused remarks to myself. Once I had told them, once my brain allowed me to explain the split second of what I had seen they all remained silent, Kyle clenched his jaw whilst Will tightened his fists. Woody would find out soon enough, he was out having a meal with Chrissy. 

“That piece of shit.” Kyle muttered under his breath as he shook his head. “Piece of fucking shit!” He kicked the bed as his voice rose, and then sat down, holding onto his foot.

Will edges closer towards me as I blankly stare straight at the door as I perch on the very edge of the bed. Despite sitting on the bare minimum of the fabric I can feel the dirt climb and crawl over my skin, the secrets and shame that lies embedded into the sheets now infecting me, affecting my outlook on it all. 

After a while of listening to the two of them discuss what to do, how to react I stand up at the sound of a giggle echoing through the hallway. Walking to the door I peer through the peephole as she glides on by, blowing him a kiss. I can feel my blood boiling yet I feel as if any warmth in my body had been truly drained, wasted by being filled with love for someone as heartless as him. 

My eye remains glued to the glass as I see a figure walk to the door, backing away I stare at the two of them, wide eyed. “It’s Dan.” I mouth and they both stand up, the three of us desperate to find somewhere for me to hide. Kyle opens up the single door wardrobe and helps me climb up onto the suitcases, giving me a small smile before closing it. 

I sit in silence, hidden amongst cloth and denim whilst outside I can hear mumbled conversations spoken in one voice that I once termed as heartwarming, mixed with two cold tones. As I sit still I can feel my heart trying to pick itself back up, trying to mend itself after the unexpected need to shatter at a sight I never thought I’d witness. ‘Please, whatever I said, I didn’t mean. We were both tipsy, things were accused and I take it all back. I could never hate you, Dan. Never.’ I shake my head as I think back to the messages I left to an empty line on the phone, how I told him I’d never hate him. Now that is all I feel with a splash of pain thrown in for good measure. 

After my legs go dead and the smell of Kyle’s aftershave is embedded into my nostrils the door opens, resulting in me ungracefully falling out. With their help I get back to my feet, the shared look on their faces only growing; a pure look of fury. “He was so relaxed, so chirpy.” Will shakes his head and lies down on the bed whilst I stand still on the spot. “How does he think he can get away with this? With hurting you, still?” 

An idea pops to mind as I zone out, focusing on the industrial buildings outside, the never ending sea of brickwork and hard working lives that are being lived just beyond my view. “I think I know what to do,” Speaking up they both focus on me as I take a seat in front of the mirror, not wanting to concentrate on my appearance. Explaining the idea they both smirk to each other, it is a bit dramatic, it’s a bit unexpected from me, but that is why it is genius. 

“I’ll believe it once I see it.” Kyle scoffs lightly and with that I walk over to my bag, picking through the jumpers to find them. Holding them up unashamed their jaws drop whilst I raise an eyebrow. “Yep, I believe you.” He swallows heavily and all I can do is chuckle to myself. 

“He won’t know what’s coming.” Will remarks nodding to me. 

*

Looking at my reflection I turn, checking myself out in the different angles before focusing on the shoes behind me, resting on the toilet seat lid. Picking them up I place the uncomfortable platforms on, magically growing a few inches taller. I proceed to tie the ribbon up at the front, forcing my chest closer, tighter, already knowing he won’t be able to take his eyes off of me. 

Peering my head around the two of them lie on the bed, scrolling through their phones. “Is he in his room?” I call out and the two of them pause and glance my way. 

“Nope, he’s gone to get coffee. He should be back in about ten minutes” Kyle replied and with that I took a deep breath and revealed myself to the two of them. “Holy shit.” 

Glancing up at them they both remained still, silent, but still. “Well if I’ve got that reaction from the two of you then I have high hopes for Dan.” Walking with some difficulty over to my bag I try to bend down, but the lace around my waist constricts me. Will walks over and picks it up for me, trying his best to focus on my eyes and not wander elsewhere. “Be back soon.” I blow a kiss to them as I pull an old jumper dress on, take a smaller bag and shut the door. 

Standing in the hallway I can feel my own words about what I’m doing burning my brain. How I said this was a low blow, that when people did this in films I would feel uncomfortable, looks like I’m my own biggest hypocrite now.  With my body concealed by the front of the door I try my hardest to control my breathing, it gets hitched in my throat as I stand with the key in hand. Slowly I unlock it, moving the key until it clicks.

Walking inside I try not to focus too hard on the bad, on that bed. It’s still stained, covered in his wrongdoings, in his deceit. I start by walking over to the bed, making it a little bit neater. Then, I walk over to the bathroom, checking my appearance in this attire I never thought I’d wear. The black lace bodysuit, how it dips right down into a harsh V nicely paired with some red heels that were so high I could stab his heart until he felt pain like I have done for months. 

Taking a seat in the small chair hidden behind the wardrobe I sit and wait, all whilst trying to keep calm as I keep my bag behind my back, out of sight. As I glance around the room I see some odd things of his, I notice a notebook and pen, something I got him before the last tour- incase he had any ideas, any new inspirations to write down. My eyes trail the desk, his contacts messily piled up, an odd sock followed by a couple of pennies- what else was I meant to expect? 

Sitting still I hear the door unlock and my mind goes into overdrive. Forcing myself to sit upright I try and position myself in a seductive manner, one leg crossed over the other as I twirl my hair, hating myself for it but secretly liking it. He comes closer and glances my way, barely noticing me until he pauses, turns and collapses onto the bed. 

He lowers his glasses as his eyes wander over the sight before him, the left side of his mouth rising. Standing up I kick the heels off, and take slow steps towards him, trying to relive the last time we were in a hotel. Taking his jacket off I let it fall to the ground before kissing his neck, whispering into his ear, “Miss me?” He moans a yes, making me smile to myself as I push him onto the bed. 

Taking his glasses off I climb on over him until I’m straddling him. His hands roam around whilst I take off his jeans, trying not to shake as I undo his belt. “Oh, one second.” I mutter to him as he looks in awe at me, already I know I have him wrapped around my finger. 

Walking to my bag I take out the handcuffs, holding them up to him. Already I can see the hesitation lie heavy in his blue eyes, but I laugh stupidly, “Oh come on, it’s a bit of fun.” I convince him way too easily, he complies and his hands are locked. 

“You sure have changed.” He laughs to me as I lower my head to his.

My lips hover about his, then I make direct eye contact to him, “I know.” A single kiss is all I allow him, knowing he craves more but I lift my head up, enjoying the torment more than I had expected. Moving my head down I pull his trousers down with ease, then giving him an innocent look as I hold onto his underwear. 

“Do it.” He says, licking his lips. Already I can see how desperate he is, which only makes this all the more fun. 

Lifting my hands away I go to my bag, finding the last thing I wanted. Before he has the chance to notice my bag slams down hard onto him, a loud groan of pain spreading through the room- not the sound everyone would expect to here for a change. “That is for being a cheating arsehole.” I can see the veins in his arms popping as he clenches his fists in the cuffs, unable to pull them from the restraint. 

“What’re you talking about?” He speaks through gritted teeth, slowly pulling himself together whilst I sit down next to him, my hand now resting on his cheek. 

Smiling to him he glances up, eyes full of confusion. “I think we both know. I hope you enjoyed it though, as I’ve had enough of trying with you.” Kissing his cheek I can see the red lipstick mark left, standing up I pick my bag and shoes up and head towards the door. 

“Wait! How am I supposed to get out?” He yells out and all I do is pick my coat up and slip it on. 

Wearing a sweet smile and doey eyes I reach into my pocket for the keys. “Oh you mean these?” I can see his face lighting up, the fact that he thinks I’ll release him that easily? Please. Throwing them out of the window I can see any hope fade from his face. “Oops. Have fun explaining this one.” Walking out I can hear him yelling my name, swearing at me but as soon as the door shuts it stops.

Approaching Will and Kyle’s room I can’t help but smirk as I walk inside. The two of them eager to hear. “You might end up having to search for some keys on the side of the road, sorry ‘bout that.” I thank them both for their help and support before taking my long coat and laying it out whilst I put my converse back on. 

“So, what now?” Will asks as he looks at my packed bag. 

Standing up I reach over for my coat, ensuring it is fully wrapped around my body before tying the waist up. Pulling my hair out I contemplate my response, “I’ll probably get some food, have a wander, then see if I can get an earlier flight home.” 

They both exchange a look, “You’re more than welcome to stay for another night. I mean, your flight is tomorrow night.” Kyle suggests and Will agrees. I simply hug both of them, unable to repay them for their generosity. 

“It’s what friends do.” Will states, muffled in my hair. 

“That and you look good in lace.” Kyle remarks as he chuckles to himself. 

Picking my bags up they walk me to the lift, “Oh, one last favour?” I ask them as I wait for the lift to arrive. “Take a picture, can’t have him forgetting the wrong girl to mess with.” They agree to it and I give them one final hug before getting into the lift. 

As the door closes I lean back against the mirror, staring at my reflection rather than avoiding it. The heat of the moment is over and I’m left with the reality; the reality that I am truly alone now. Reaching into my bag I pull out some sunglasses, the sort that are big enough to hide any emotion in my eyes, to disguise tears. 

Walking into the main entrance I may look like I have it all together, but that is the misleading thing about covering half your face; they’ll never see you cry. 

[castawxayaway]

meant to be

okay so this is my second go at writing this, the first time it got super weird and I was not happy whatsoever but hey that happens. so this is a different version from the anon who asked for angsty dan, and apologies if its shit, so yeah. 

also as I’ve said ( a lot) I am not writing until july after tomorrow, but would you like a masterlist of sorts posted or kept until july? (it is just a way to sort of have them all in one place if you’d like)

and this may be too much to ask but of late I’ve received a lot of positive comments about my work and if you have a favourite piece or moment I would love to know before I go. thank you :)

hope you enjoy

The hard reality of falling for someone is knowing that the options and outcome are limited. Sitting on the edge of my bed I waited for him to come round to watch a film, something we would try to do at least once or twice a month when he’d be off from touring, time to catch up with my best friend. All I could hear was my heart beating through my chest, the pressure becoming overwhelming as I pictured his smile, the one I’d missed and only seen whilst he was anywhere and everywhere. 

I’d kept in touch with Will more than anyone else, informing me of how he’d lull around on nights out and slur drunkenly about me. About how he felt. I’d always had a gnawing in the back of my mind when he sat next to me, the way his hand would just sit on my thigh as if it were nothing. Unable to keep still my mind wanders to the thoughts of us, what if we were an ‘us.’ 

“Just keep your cool, it’s only Dan.” I tell myself as I stand up, brushing my clammy palms against my pjs. 

As I paused the doorbell rang, my eyes went wide as I realised he’d be behind the door. Through the panel of wood the one person I’d silently wished to see for months was there, but I stayed still. My feet felt as if they had become glued to the ground, that any attempt I had of reaching out, putting on a smile was lost. The bell rang again and I snapped out of it, quickly moving towards it. 

Opening the door I prepared a smile, something realistic to my normal one. Standing before me I struggled to hide my wide eyes, his hair had grown marginally, the bright blue of his eyes only increasing as he focused on me. The sweet smile he wore hidden amongst his stubble that he had grown across the months he was gone. “Hi.” I beamed, unsure how else to hide my awkward self that he had grown to accept. 

“I’ve missed you.” He smiles, and I can already feel the tension surround us. Unsure if he knows what Will told me I remain quiet as he walks into the main space, a collection of films in his grip. “Before we start watching anything I think it is best to talk.” Rubbing his forehead I stand still, taking a small breath. 

“Say what you’ve got to say.” I state and await for his mini speech. 

The way he stands is different to others, especially when he has something to say or exclaim. Unlike singing or performing he doesn’t have the confidence, instead it just streams out like the tears I cried when he left, knowing I’d missed my chance to tell him. 

“Will, he erm, he called you didn’t he.” His first move is pacing around, avoiding eye contact. “And you don’t have to tell me he did as I know he did and there were so many better ways for me to tell you, I had it all planned and now my drunken arse ruined it.” He groaned and clutched at his hair. 

Moving closer to him I reached out, but he snapped out of it. “Why, why does it matter so much?” I reply, it didn’t matter to me how he told me. The fact that I had to wait this long, he said he had feelings for me for years. 

“Because I have been in love with you since I first performed in front of you, just you. And, and knowing you I was afraid you wouldn’t commit.” Pausing he looks to me, my heart slowly sinking like the Titanic. “You don’t have to tell me I’m wrong, I know you.” 

Collapsing down on the sofa I bring my legs close to my chest, unable to deny his claim. After the last time I allowed myself to let my barriers down I got hurt, the pain I went through and the aftermath Dan witnessed was all too much. I was afraid of getting hurt so I didn’t allow myself to get too close with Dan, yet somehow my heart let this happen and over ruled my mind. 

Sitting down next to me he placed his hands on my knees as I started at the blank TV screen, not wanting to look at him. His eyes are too enticing, the way they hold too much emotion for my heart to take, to accept and allow willingly. It pains my very soul to care for him the way I do, my barriers are just too strong. 

“Why can’t you just let me in?” He cooes as I sit still, tilting my gaze to his. 

Immediately I break off eye contact, sighing. “I just don’t know how.” Choking back the silent sob he pulls me in and I rest on his lap, his arm wrapped over my frame. “I love you too much to risk getting hurt. We both know it, we know each other inside and out and at some point we would get sick of each other. I’d hate you being away and you’d hate the need to check in on me.” The more I explain the more damp his trousers become from my tears. 

“Don’t you get it?” He asks meaningfully, shuffling I look straight up at him, sniffing loudly. “You are not like the others, you are the one who I would never tire of. I love you.” I search his eyes for anything, something misleading or that’ll cause me pain. 

Except there is nothing but love laced in those blue orbs, the smile that reflects my own as he leans down. Just before I let him I hold him back, “This is it? After all this time?” I sarcastically remark to him, receiving a light chuckle in response. 

“And I never thought I’d see the day where I’d thank my drunk self.” 

[castawxayaway]

burning isolation

so I was asked to write an angsty Dan piece which does happen, but I got really invested in something slightly different. basically read it to understand my point. 

if you like this and want to read more search for ‘bastille’ on my blog and it should come up, hopefully :) 

thank you to the person who requested and if you have a request of any kind of writing feel free to ask!

Sitting upright I struggle to hold back the groan as I stretch against the soft fabric lacing our pillows. I turn to the side and frown, he’s still not home. Unable to remain still or accept the fact that he is not home I climb out of my warmth and into the bitter chilled air that hangs heavy in the premature morning. 4:12am. Sighing loudly I pick my phone up and creep down the stairs where silence echoes through each room proving my suspicions that he isn’t even crashing on the sofa. 

As I scroll through my contacts to find him I pause, instead I pick someone who I know would answer regardless of the time or circumstance. The ringing bores into my soul, it feels endless like the amount of times I’ve left the door unlocked for him only to find it never being opened until I’m awake again. “Hey Will.” I mumble as I wander through to the kitchen, if I’m up I might as well get some caffeine into my system. 

Turning the kettle on I walk away from the deep rumbling but as I do the sound behind Will becomes more clear. “Hey,” He shouts followed by a long pause whilst the heavy bass drop explodes my eardrums. “Dan passed out like half an hour ago but he’s fine!” Standing still I try to comprehend what he just said. 

Taking a deep breath I close my eyes, trying to remain as calm and collective as I can. “Are you lying to me Will?” I ask unable to depart from the bitterness in my voice. 

“What? Why would I?” He can’t help but slur his words, who’d of thought the club would still be open at such a time. 

Sitting on the edge of the sofa my eyes lock with the beautifully framed photo of me and Dan on our first anniversary. The innocence that we wore then, now I barely get a second glance as we sit in seperate rooms most of the day, well the hours in the day when we are both conscious. “What club are you at?” I ask bluntly, but he hums down the line as I hear someone shout something in the background that is unclear due to Will having the phone pressed against his ear. 

“We left the club an hour ago. Dan stayed there to sleep it off.” Inside I could feel my walls breaking down, the ones I had tried so carefully to build and feel secure with. Now it feels as if my efforts are useless, the walls are crumbling like my ability to hold back tears. 

Just as I open my mouth to speak the kettle boils. Standing up I wipe my eyes, holding back the sniff from Will as I walk through to the kitchen. “Did someone stay with him, at this other club?” It was too sweet, too innocent. No wonder he’s never here. 

Pouring the boiling water slowly into the cup Will zones back into the conversation, “Oh yeah, some fit blonde.” His words echo and I barely notice the water making direct contact with my hand. 

“Mother fucker!” I yell at the top of my lungs as I rush over to the sink, immediately feeling the burn that reflects the pain in my heart. The permanent pang when Dan doesn’t come home or even bother to tell me where he’s gone. 

“Hey is everything alright?” I can sense his urgency and worry now, the music is becoming more faint and he is becoming more serious. With too much raw emotion he calls my name out and the bricks give way. The wall is broken. 

“I’m not sure how much longer I can do this Will.” I sob down the line as I keep my now numb but burning hand drenched in ice cold water. 

I can hear some kerfuffling down the line as I try to blink the tears away, my ears starting to tingle from the build up of pain in my eyes. “I, just hold on, okay?” He says with full intent and I nod. 

“I just need him to come back home.” Breaking down the whimpers become violent sobs to my dear friend, our dear friend. What is going through his mind right now? Will, just enjoying a night out and then having it ruined by his friend who can’t help but worry about her boyfriend. The boyfriend who never spends time with her anymore and is out with a new woman every night at some club I can’t name due to the mass amount he wanders in and out of. 

Collapsing down against the cupboards I hold my hand close to my chest, leaving the water run with heavy force and let the tears run their course. My sobs become silent, then non existent. I am broken. The tears fall as I blankly stare at our photos on the fridge of us, of all of us. We look so happy, genuinely happy. So what changed? 

Outside I hear some noise but don’t bother to move. The door opens and my heart doesn’t even accelerate, it remains at a constant low rhythm knowing there is nothing to get excited over anymore. I hear someone vaguely call out my name but I don’t bother responding, the light burn becomes more intense as I rest my hand against my chest exposing the pain to the suffocating air. 

“There you ar-” Stopping himself halfway through his sentence I can see those heavy duty boots strapped around his feet coming closer. I can see his hand resting on my knee but I don’t feel it. “Look at me okay? Over here.” He moves his hand in front of my eyes, trying to direct my gaze away from the distant memories. 

Slowly my eyes roll up to meet his, I can see he is coming back to the world of reality where our perception and actions are no longer hazy. He wears concern too heavily in his eyes as he focuses on my eyes, then to the tears that roll down my cheeks and then to my hand where he sighs loudly at the sight. “Come on.” He stood up before me, holding his hand out which I blankly stare at. “Seriously, if you don’t get up I will pick you up.” He remarks and laughs lightly. Inside I can hear myself faintly chuckle but instead I remain silent and accept his grip. 

With one swift pull I saw stood up within a close proximity to him. Lifting my head up to face him he grinned, the smell of booze emerging from his light breaths. Taking a cautious step back I stand still as he walks over and turns the tap off for me. “I’ve got some ointments or creams somewhere for burns.” Rubbing my head I struggle to clear my mind from the image of Dan with someone else. It feels like it is etching every detail until the image I see in my mind will be reality, I’m preparing myself for the worst. 

Quickly he marched upstairs whilst I hovered by the front door, as if I expected Dan to just appear mumbling apologises and forget the past four months had ever happened. But no, the door remains shut and the lingering ache in my heart is still there. With heavy steps Will pants as he stands in front of me. “Let’s sit down, yeah? See to your hand.” The two of us walked over to the sofa and collapsed down into it. “Want to talk about it?” He piped up as he smoothed the ointment over my hand, yet I remained emotionless. 

“I’m not sure how much longer I can take him lying to me.” My voice remains monotone, it sounds how empty I feel inside. Yet the tears keep falling down my face, following the predetermined path they’ve created from late nights alone without someone to hold me close. 

Putting the lid on the ointment Will picked my hand up in his and blew lightly against the surface, raising an eyebrow to him he chuckled. “Help to cool it.” He shrugged and this time the sight of his smile made me smile. “Hey there’s that smile!” He cheered. “Want to know a story, it’ll help.” 

Shrugging my shoulders I sighed, “Why not.” We both relaxed back into the sofa even more, I was now sat cross legged next to him but facing him. 

“I remember the day I first met you, it was odd.” I couldn’t help but laugh in response, knowing it all too well myself. “You just sort of appeared and were too quiet to say hi and Dan just sort of stood there too.” 

“To be fair I’d only been on four dates with him at that point. Plus Kyle couldn’t help but make jokes to me which made me more anxious.” I wonder if the others remember too? It’s weird not thinking of them all being in my life, they’ve just been there that long now. 

“Just some stranger weren’t you.” He nudged me lightly and we both laughed, leaning back and forth. 

I uncrossed my legs and he shifted himself to face me. His gaze went between my eyes to my lips, “I always relied on the kindness of strangers.” I paused for a breath as I saw him coming closer and closer. “A quote from A streetcar named-”

“Just,” His lips were softly kissing mine, adjusting myself I could taste the hard liquor in his kiss. Moving my arms around his neck his hands wrapped around my waist and lifted me on top of him. 

It was soft, delicate but slowly becoming more intense. My hands rested on his shoulders as I remained straddling him, our lips not separating. “Will, I think we shouldn’t.” I moaned as I pulled away for breath. 

“Yeah. I don’t think you should mate.” My eyes shot open as Dan stood in the doorway, fury alive in his eyes as he stared straight at me with such an intensity that the burn on my hand felt like ice compared to that look. 

Getting off of Will he too stood up next to me, “It’s not what you think, I-”

“Oh you thought you’d just snog my mate did you? And for all this time I thought we could get through this.” He scoffs and struggles to contain his anger. The veins in his arms are popping out now, I glance up to Will as tears blur my vision. 

Will steps forward closer to Dan, holding his hands up in defense. “Listen she is really upset that you’re not home. This wasn’t intentional, you know I’d never-” With a sudden groan Will was staggering backwards towards me whilst Dan wore pain heavy in his eyes and his fist throbbing. 

“Dan!” I yelled as Will leant against the sofa, clutching his eye. “You know I thought you were different. Do you know how many nights I’ve not slept worrying about where you were. The amount of conclusions I’ve come to or been told. All you do is come home then leave without saying a word, where’d you go? Is there someone else?” My voice breaks and I force the tears away with harsh wipes from my sleeve. 

He laughs and clutches his hair. “You have no idea do you!” He yells and just stares at me, the light in those blue eyes has been diminished, replaced by something unrecognisable. “I’ve been planning for months, trying to keep it a secret.” His voice falters, unable to keep back the tears that brim behind his glasses. “I’ve been planning the dream you’ve always wanted.” He whimpers. 

I can feel the rubble from the wall disperse, my vulnerable heart unable to take any more hits. “As in, seeing it all?” I sound too weak, too innocent. It’s happening all over again, and this time I can’t prevent it. 

“If only you could’ve kept it together for three days. Three days.” He mumbled and turned his back on me whilst I stood still, unable to process it all. “I can’t.” Glancing over his shoulder he faced me, the rage gone but in its place just pain. The sort of pain worse than the heartache, it’s the betrayal. “I’m sorry.” Before I had the chance to step forward and stop him he was out of the door. 

Standing still I stuttered, my heart was unable to withstand it all and I instantly fell to the ground sobbing. Will came behind me and placed his arm around my back. I turned around to face him and buried my head into his neck, the silent sobs returning. “He’ll come back.” He murmured to me. “Dan always sees the truth, even if it takes a bit of time.” 

Sniffing loudly I lift my head up and face his throbbing face, “I love him Will, I can’t imagine life without him.” My voice cuts itself off before I can say anything else. Standing up I run outside, silently screaming his name as any trace of him is gone. 

Instead I’m left standing in the middle of an empty road, the sun breaking through in the distance, distorting the night sky. The stars return to their slumber and I feel the tears continue to fall except there’s no one to hold me anymore. I’m truly and utterly alone like the stars millions of light years away. 

[castawxayaway]

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​ oh if you want to read more of my bastille pieces just search ‘bastille’ in my blog they should be in amongst it all :)

“Why'd you let him go?” Her words echo as I stare blankly at the two empty glasses. Reflecting how full of life they were and the laughter consumed less than 45 minutes ago. Now I look at them and just think of despair.

Lifting my head slowly I can feel a smile form on my numb face. "He was strange, yet wonderful." My mind casted back to the memories and late night conspiracies we had. "Sometimes when you love someone that much it's best to let them go."

I could hear her sigh loudly, intentionally. “You didn’t have to let him go.” She bluntly stated and stood up, picking the two glasses and the bottle with her, shame hanging heavy around me. 

“I was holding him back.” Retorting I turned to face her, she hovered with the glasses in one hand and the bottle in the other. Scrunching her face together she just shook it off, as if my reasons could never justify it. “Look what we had wasn’t perfect, but it had an expiry date. I knew it the second he kissed me.” Even saying it aloud and the memories flood back. 

The moonlight breaking through the dusty clouds, being in my pjs covered in tea stains and holes due to their age. How I couldn’t help but shiver as I refused to budge whilst I waited for the stars to break through from the sheets that allowed them to rest for the night. I sipped at the fourth cup of tea he brought me, patiently being the friend I needed as we talked about all sorts. We spoke of our memories before they toured, before I met all the guys but moreso before our lives got so crazy. Slowly the conversation went down a path of confusion, about being alone. He told me that I’ll never live life alone, as he couldn’t allow it. We never got to see the stars that night, but he said he could see constellations from the freckles that dotted my skin just before he kissed me. 

Slowly turning away from her I lean back into the chair, feeling a light buzz spread through my body as I recall how many glasses I did drink. Closing my eyes I can hear her creak across the broken floorboards, I really should get those fixed. Breaking through my thoughts she called my name, forcing me to pay attention. “What about the time you went to the lake with your niece? Didn’t you say that in that one moment you knew what you’d want in life?” She is trying to grasp straws now, I can see the desperation ache in her eyes. 

My thoughts swirl like the remainder of wine in the bottle, the lake where I fell in after being chased by a geese. A lake where my little niece made him dance horrifically- something he now does in front of thousands everyday. He’s out there, somewhere doing what he loves and what am I doing? Wallowing into a bottle of wine because I let him go live his dreams; one I could’ve been apart of. 

“So that’s it? You let him go so he can fulfill his aspirations?” She sounded so final, finished with my excuses. Yet all I could do was nod, too afraid to admit to myself the truth let alone someone else. 

The fact that getting too close to him terrified me, I boarded myself up unintentionally and find it too difficult to let myself feel something too real for him. I feared that when we were at the lake, the way he swayed with my niece and the little joyous laugh she shrieked to him. When he turned his head shyly beaming to me with those eyes, I knew I was in trouble with own self. The fear of falling too far for him in the abyss of those blue eyes was evident, that I was quickly approaching the point where I wouldn’t be able to come up for a breath before being swept back under in the easiness of being in his company. 

“That,” I spoke up, my voice breaking. My eyes still watching the liquid slowly swirl, blurring slightly the longer I tried to focus. “that’s it.” Coughing lightly I stood up but stumbled resulting in her quickly being at my side. “I’m fine.” I mumbled but she merely pulled an unimpressed face in response.

Helping me walk towards my room she mumbled, “How much did you drink before I got here?” I didn’t answer. The truth hurts too much. 

Slowly she helped me get into my own bed, vacant of company that I longed for yet resented. It is a constant battle between my head and my heart, the rational and irrational side of my soul. “Please just get some rest. I’ll see you in a few days, get on with the writing. You do have deadlines.” lethargically nodding I rolled over, facing the empty space besides me. 

I waited long enough to hear the door close, then until the silence echoed throughout the flat. Creeping out of bed like a child on christmas eve I found my phone and collapsed into the sofa, careful to avoid eye contact with the empty bottles of judgement and bad decisions. Struggling to focus I fumble around to find my old glasses, so old and unused they have infamous scratch marks from late nights of intense reading at home. Finding his name easily, still the same name in my contacts. 

Funny, I assumed he’d be gone. That he’d vanish out of my phone as well as my life. Sometimes I don’t think far ahead enough, I knew I didn’t when I told him to go, the silence that followed my yells. The pained look in his eyes as he turned around and apologised. Trying to shake the memory was difficult, it clung to my guilty conscience with all it had remaining a permanent reminder that I was wrong, that I don’t understand my own feelings. 

Clicking on the button I stare in disbelief as it dials. The feeling of being a teenager returns in my stomach, but that may be the alcohol. “He-hello?” Tired, grumly. But nevertheless missed voice. 

“Dan?” I giggled. Why was I giggling? I’m a teenager again, the awkward girl who struggled making three sentences without trying to be humourous. 

A light confused sound came from the other end and some mumbling in the background. “Are you drunk?” It wasn’t harsh, more entertained. I can picture him now, cramped on that tour bus smiling into his phone. But he shouldn’t, he should hate me for what I did, sending him away, shutting him out like that.

“Does 3 bottles of wine count?” I bit my lip knowing he could sense my guilt, he didn’t even have to look at me let alone be in the same room as me to know I felt bad. Why else would I call him weeks later? 

“Pissed.” Someone shouted from behind him making me laugh too hard, why was I laughing like this? Some more noise came through and I pulled the phone away until it was just him, the gentle calling of my name. “Can you hear me?” 

Nodding reluctantly I placed the phone back to my ear. “I’m here.” 

“Why’d,” He sighed, that same defeated sigh with those lowered shoulders like he had been a dismissed puppy after causing havoc when really I was the one to blame. “is everything okay?” Even now he cares. 

“How can you do this? How can you still care this much?” I curled up into a tight ball, my thighs slowly suffocating my chest. “I broke, I hurt you and made you leave. Yet you still want to know if I’m okay? How are you this okay?” Blinking I felt the stains being replaced by the new, fresh pain and the cycle that I take alone continuing with him as a mere witness.

“What do you mean? Of course I care, I, I still lo-”

“I can’t.” I sat upright, the emotion gone from my voice. “Goodbye Dan.” Hearing his protests I hung up. 

I let the tears fall, creating small perfect marks on my legs. Standing up I picked up the bottles along with the rubbish I left behind until I felt clean again. Until the guilt would be removed. If only.