dobermans have reputation for a reason
you used to make sweet remarks about how i was a lucky charm, how you 'could only hope to be worthy of being my partner'. asking me to be yours-
you called me Lucky, like the skittish dog my family rescued when i was 13. Lucky is still going to be the dog nickname i own, i like it.
we had a running joke; asking you to light the match with your mind because i repeatedly needed three strikes for it to catch flame. since you'e been gone; i've struck it on the first try every time. i lay the matches in the ashtray you made me. ride on inscribed on the back.
the playlist you made details the soft intimacy we shared in lyrics;
heart keeps driving me crazy, there's nothing much I can do, I'm aware
can't help but stare how I love you, and it just ain't fair
my baby here on earth, showed me what my heart was worth
try to smirk, but you're smiling, know I'll stick with it
I like to hear your voice, I like to see your mouth
typing this; i remembered i had yet to hear the last song you sent me. the lyrics cooing like a farewell just out of earshot:
got myself a ticket gonna board this lonesome train
i gave my man a broken heart and things will never be the same
leavin' this town no use hangin' 'round i may be wrong
but we can't get along and I'm goin' back where I belong
i really love my baby and I know he loves me too
i'm leavin' this town with a broken heart tell me what else can I do
i scoff and wonder to myself if this song was premeditated; you sent it minutes before sharing the poetry you wrote me:
if i could plant little seeds in the furrowed valley between your eyebrows, id water them every day, til the valley turns to an open meadow, and every day after that, too
if i could open your scalpulas like windows, id air out the aching stress that stagnates on each side of your spine, singing as softly as billowing curtains as it goes
if i could live between the gap between your ear and your skull, id hum you to sleep every night, and id confess all the sweet secrets my heart carries about you as you roused from bed every morning.
why do people say they love me things before comprehending that they dont love me the weight of what they are saying??
a mere 5 hours after the last time you called me baby, you start messaging like we just met that day, it's almost patronizing:
hope ur having a good day so far !!
7 whole hours later you call to let me know:
you really enjoyed getting to know me, this relationship is no longer fulfilling for you, you no longer want to be dating, and you don't want to get into the reasons why.
for what felt like a whole minute of silence, i was frozen, stunned.
after several days of inconsistent communication and little processing, i had come to learn that you would be in my building while i was out. you hadn't thought to tell me until the day of..
...some of us actually communicate! :)
thats a crazy thing to say to me, dude. hope you feel better soon.
i unleashed a long paragraph venting my frustrations, in a passive aggressive tone. then blocked your number the second it sent.
when i got home later that night, i opened the bag of my things at my door, i saw my favorite crewneck and the shirt you left in. winced at the memory of one of the last pictures i took of you wearing it
a show pony you were indeed
days later, in a moment of weakness, i look up your tiktok
you made a video about not being able to kiss someone, you have a new pinterest board titled: **** thing, and i fucking called it
mind you, we're both poly. i KNEW you and them were talking, and also DIDNT FUCKING CARE if you wanted to pursue it or whatever the hell.
but you told the internet... before you would say it to me.
i've said what i can, i will be grateful to you for that month eternally. at the same time; that was fucked up dude. i will always think of you when i see a doberman, and stare too long and lovingly at the painting you gifted me.
stay safe out there dobey, i loved you when i remember it
-One-Eyed Willy a.k.a. Lucky a.k.a. dandie
