Currently - June 6, 2014
Currently. Currently, I am in my hometown in Texas, and nothing could feel less like home. I guess it's like I'm realizing that the world continues to turn without me, and trying to jump back into that world even though I've been away for so long is just hard to do. I mean, I still have the same friends I had when I was in high school ( it's still not many) and I still have the same enemies (that number is quite large), but nothing feels the same anymore. I don't feel the same anymore, and I think it's because I'm not. I am not the same. Being in Chicago, I was finally on the path to truly finding myself. For the first time in my life, I felt happy and determined all the time. Sure I had bad days, but walking outside for half a second would remind me what an idiot I was being and I felt better. I can't explain how Chicago makes me feel. It was like finally making it to the place your were always meant to be even though you had never been. I was literally living the only dream I'd ever had, and that opened my whole world up to creating new experiences there and discovering...well... Discovering me. And i was very awesome. I came to terms with a lot of aspects of me that, before, I hated. The environment of the city allowed me to experience feelings about myself that I had felt impossible to do in Texas. I was finally able to look in the mirror at my naked body and say "damn, I look good!" I was so proud of myself and my accomplishments, and I had taken the first step to living the rest of my life the way that I want to live it. And coming back to Texas was like taking 69 steps backward. Here, I am constantly unsure of where my friendships stand and what I am doing with my life. I am super insecure about the dumbest things, and I just don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like I'm trying so hard to fit a mold I've already grown out of. I had never worried about it before, but now I feel the constant need to fit in and to be liked and I don't know why. No one is asking me to, but for some reason I'm super worried about everything all the time. I think I am just worried about losing the relationships I have left because I am different. But I am not the same person I was when I was in high school, and there is no way I can move back in time and be the guy everybody once enjoyed. I am just me, currently. I think my goals for this long and gruesome summer "vacation" are to just focus on me and get in touch with the things i gave up when I came back to this awful place. I want to see my friends and show them the new me that I have turned into, and I think the new me is pretty awesome. And I just want to do things that will make me happy. I know a lot of my summer will be wasted just sitting on my couch, but I am going to try and actively write here along with songs and stories and other side projects but I also want to sing and dance and do everything I learned in college. I'm so ready to go back to Chicago, and to go back with a vengeance, and I will keep you all posted on my summer journey! One thing is for sure: I can't wait to go back to my real home. I love y'all! Stay classy (or become classy in the first place)! Peace, love, and my current life, - Daramore
